Day 475 Trying To Avoid A Tragic Irony

Day 475

Trying To Avoid A Tragic Irony

Today reminded me of the first couple of weekends of my weight loss journey. I woke up and realized that I didn't have the routine of a workday to keep me busy. I didn't have a set schedule to offer some structure to my day. I was so worried about weekends when I started. Too much time on my hands, too much time to think about my choices, good and bad. Day 6 was my first Saturday and Day 475 felt like my first Saturday all over again. I have two cigarettes left. I've slowed way down because I know that when they're gone, they're gone, that's it. I'm saving that last one for a picture that I really don't want to see, but it will not disgust me as bad knowing that it was the last. I can't let myself down this time, I can't let my family and friends down this time, I must do this now. That's the same thing I kept repeating to myself when I started down this weight loss road.

When I started on September 15th, 2008---I honestly felt like tragedy was right around the corner, following me, just waiting to kill me. I was really scared and I knew that if it did claim me, not one family or friend would have been the least bit shocked. I was a mess at 505 pounds. I was taunting and tempting fate with every pound I gained and carried. Everyday that I kept eating whatever and how much ever I wanted, was just another day closer to a very sad conclusion of a short life. I feel the same way about these blasted cigarettes. Every one I smoke, I can't help but think is this the one? Is this the cigarette that pushes me past the point of no return? And then I think about the tragic irony that would surround my story. Do you ever do that? Think about your story, your life? What will people say about you when you're gone? I think too much sometimes, perhaps. But---really, I've mentioned this before. How tragically ironic would it be for me to lose all of my weight in a pursuit to be healthy and live like never before, and then be killed from a smoking related disease.

What thought drives me right now, this second---as I sit here writing? I pray that it's not too late. It's the same prayer I held tight out on that walking trail in September of 2008. Just walking or waddling really made me hurt and at 505, any little twinge of chest pain scared me, is this it, am I about to drop dead? Please don't kill me, please give me time to get this weight off, I beg of you---don't let me be too late to change. Same prayer, different addiction. I'm quitting now in hopes that I'm getting out before it ruins my happy ending. I've often said that we are the author of our story. We decide what kind of story, life it will be. We decide. Of course I believe that we have a great publisher and editor that can change or end that story, reminding us that we're not completely in control. But we have to live our best in hopes that the life we choose, the story we've written, will be accepted as it unfolds, with very few edits. I don't like tragic endings, and I refuse to have one. Please don't let me have one.

As I got around today, I discovered that the OSU game against Ole Miss in the Cotton Bowl was a day game. For some reason I thought it was a night game. If I hadn't turned on the TV when I did, I would have missed the game. I wish I would have never turned on the TV. That was tough to watch. Talk about unhappy endings. But they started with so much promise, had a great season despite their flaws and unfortunate circumstances, but it wasn't the ending any Cowboy fan wanted. It'll be interesting to see how positive changes affect the 2010 season. One of these seasons they're going to get it right and win it all. I just know it! It all sounds familiar to me.

After lounging in the recliner and enjoying the game, it was time to get something done. I needed a workout. I needed to take my frustrations from the game out on that elliptical downstairs. I only did 15 minutes this time, but my performance on the treadmill was something special. I pushed myself hard. I didn't do a 5K---only two miles. But I jogged at least ¾ of that two miles. It was a better workout than any 5K I've completed recently. I'm thinking of doing a treadmill 10K tomorrow. I'll be completely free of cigarettes and dealing with the nicotine withdrawals---just might be a good time to push myself even further. I'll release so many endorphins, I'll have no choice but to feel great!

I was invited out to karaoke by my friends Skyler and Lauren tonight. Honestly, I didn't feel like going, but I did anyway. It was a last minute decision and it was all right. I never had the confidence to do karaoke when I weighed over 500 pounds---I could do stand-up comedy all night long, but for some reason, singing in front of people---I just couldn't do it before. I'm not the greatest singer, but the point isn't to be great, it's to have fun. I performed Joe Jackson's “Is She Really Going Out With Him?” When I was a kid I would blare that song to my neighborhood from my bedroom window. I loved it then, never dreaming that twenty-eight years later I'd be doing what I did tonight. Fun? Yes it was!

Thank you for reading. I'm going to prepare myself a low calorie omelet now with egg whites, low fat-part skim mozzarella, mushrooms, and tomato sauce. I call it a pizza omelet! It comes in at 170 calories, that's it! And it's so good! Have a great Sunday. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean