Day 473 New Years Eve Year In Review---2009

Day 473

New Years Eve Year In Review—2009

From Day 109 to Day 473, the year 2009 will go down as the most transforming year of my life. It was a year of dreams realized and dreams formed. It was a year of learning. A year of happiness and some heartache, it was the best of times and at times the worst, all rolled up into one remarkable 365 days.

It was full of milestones. I hit 100 pounds lost in 2009. I set a personal weight loss record of 119 pounds on February 18th. Every pound I've lost since has set a new personal record. I crossed the 150 pounds lost mark. My jeans kept getting smaller and my belts quickly went from the first notch all the way down to homemade holes---just to keep my pants from falling down. I crossed the 200 pounds lost mark and by September 14th---Day 365, I had lost 212 pounds. I finished the year with a total loss right at 233 pounds.

I was able to completely normalize my blood pressure to the point that medication is no longer needed. I no longer need a C-PAP machine to sleep normally. I fit in a booth, I went swimming, I enjoyed sitting in narrow chairs in theaters, I made my stage acting debut in a leading role, I drove a two seater sports car, I finished a 10K, I enjoyed a theme park with my family and fit comfortably on every ride, and so much more. There's even more I want to do in 2010. Oh yeah, we have some serious living to do!

The following is a bunch of videos and pictures from this most wonderful year. I hope you enjoy. Thanks for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


February 7th, 2009 Playing racquetball with the wall. Very boring video---but a great workout!


February 19, 2009 Lose To Win Seminar 119 pounds lost at this point.
This is just part one of four parts. You can watch the entire 36 minute seminar presentation by going to Day 165 Bonus Video Blog in the archives.


Eating ice cream and still losing weight!


The demise of the Uni-Brow


I was so impressed with 4 mph!


Taking a Plunge ---early March 2009


An amazing 240 calories


Amber and dad tackle the Olive Garden


Finally---fitting in a booth!


Teaching Ronald McDonald about healthy snacks


Enjoying, I mean truly enjoying a theme park for the first time. I fit on everything and anything I wanted.


After my first 10K---You can do it too!


Grandpa and me—Before


The two of us---Before




In progress---sometime in early 2009




big before


My girls and me


The Tux --May 2009


007 Sean


First ever adult picture of me wearing shorts


The Before and In-Progress pic that just blew me away. Couldn't believe I ever looked that big---or that small


Watchout---Sean's discovered sunglasses. Never wore them before because they looked funny on my fat face. They don't look so funny anymore. But it is funny because I'm trying to look tough!


Flying across the waves on a jet-ski. I always wanted to do that. Did it.


My biggest jeans ever.


We could probably both fit in them now.


Big before picture at Amber's graduation


The four of us! ---in progress!


Courtney and me backstage at the Candlebox concert Summer 2009


Before with sciatic nerve pain---in the motorized cart at Wal-Mart—excess of 500 pounds


Much smaller---re-creating the photo in the cart


In the weight room at the YMCA


On the Club Level baby! At Boone Pickens Stadium. For some reason I'm unable to smile and wear sunglasses at the same time. It's strange. I'm too cool to smile, I guess. Funny.




Acting on stage. Another dream realized thanks to this dramatic transformation.


Before picture with mom. Name in lights!


This photo from our theme park trip really showed me how dramatic the change had become.


One of the biggest before pictures on record. From November 2007—broadcasting from the Oklahoma Centennial Celebration in Guthrie.


Fitting in one of those desk!


Always wanted to act on stage. Here's the program page from my debut performance!




Dancing in the play


With mom at the Oklahoma State Homecoming Parade in October 2009


Another dream realized. Fitting inside and driving a two seater sports car---not just any little sports car, this is a Corvette!


The 10K. Oh yeah!


So proud of that number!


I don't know why, but I like this shot.


The profile shot. Not a bad transformation so far. What an amazing year.

Day 472 On Second Thought, It Is The Same

Day 472

On Second Thought, It Is The Same

Thank you to everyone who shared concerned and support over yesterday’s post. The heartbreaking stories of the loved ones lost too soon because of smoking really made an impact on me. I know for some of my friends, sharing the stories brought back powerful emotions. I sincerely appreciate the sharing and the understanding you’ve gifted me. The title of yesterday’s post wasn’t necessarily correct. “Often Times Avoided…” Should have been “Avoided At All Cost…” Because other than a few post from Day 96 to a few days, maybe a week later, I haven’t mentioned it until yesterday.

That anonymous comment came out of nowhere on Day 470. I don’t moderate my comments and I never will. If something is obscene or if it is clearly advertising spam, I do have the power to delete it, and I would. I’ll admit that my first instinct told me that it was a backhanded comment, perhaps someone that knows me, trying to knock me down a notch or two. Like they had secret information about this “good choices” guy---and just wait until his readers see this! But that’s the completely wrong attitude from me. The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced it was someone experiencing the same struggle and contradiction in lifestyle, and having read about my smoking habit, they were sincerely asking a legitimate question. They were looking for an honest opinion; an assessment and maybe some hope that it does get easier to lay the smokes down as we near our weight loss goals.

Regardless of their motive, which I now honestly believe was pure in spirit; I must thank them for forcing me to confront the issue. Thank you anonymous commenter. This is a subject I’ve been ignoring too long. It is a contradiction in lifestyle and let’s face it---it’s deadly. I’ve spent the last 472 days completely changing my life by losing and continuing to lose a massive amount of weight---with the overall goal of better health and a longer life, all the while smoking? That’s absolutely ridiculous. BUT---That nicotine is so addictive, it’s so hard to quit, I feel hopeless and stuck. And then it hit me.

I’ve spent so much time defending my habit by saying “Oh, its two different, completely different addictions!” If so, then why do I feel exactly like I did when I was hopelessly out of control with my eating habits and weight? I wasn’t hopeless in regard to weight loss, obviously, and I’m not hopeless when it comes to quitting the cigarettes. It might be two different addictions, but the same mental gymnastics and philosophies that I’ve used to lose so much weight---they can and will apply to me quitting. The only reason I’ve said they don’t apply is because I didn’t want them to apply.

You see, it’s real easy to start believing our own stories about anything. We can convince ourselves that we’re powerless to something. We’re not. But it feels like it if we believe we are. I convinced myself that I would never be able to lose weight. I convinced myself that I would die young, a morbidly obese young man---buried in a specially built coffin that cost way more than my grieving loved ones could have imagined. I was scared and hopeless over my obesity.

It was too hard---I wanted to lose weight, I did. I dreamed of losing weight! And oh how it was such a pleasant dream. Being healthy, fitting into places, things, and situations I always felt restricted from. That dream felt sadly out of reach my entire life until now. Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I be one of the lucky ones? Why do I have to be a 500 pound man? Why??? I use to drive myself crazy with these internal questions. When I realized that I had to set my importance level to do or die---and I had to really believe my demise, not to mention the complete destruction of my family unit was imminent—It dawned on me: Am I my own worst enemy? Is what I want being kept from me by none other than ME? It was a revelation in personal responsibility, accountability. I decided that I had the power to do this losing weight thing the right way. I had the power to change. I wasn’t being held back by anyone. I wasn’t a victim of society and a fat gene! I was a willing acceptor of my bad choices and me, only me. I did have the power to change, I did have the power to grab control.

I had to fight my food addict thoughts from derailing me---I had to set up that steel curtain zone and power forward—making the best choices I could despite any emotion, circumstance, person, place, or thing. This was a mission of utmost importance. Life or death. I didn’t want to die, I still don’t. I have too much to live for! I had to take baby steps in the exercise department, because I feared any bigger steps might kill me from the strain. I’m still too easy on myself to this day because of that irrational fear. But---I’ve proved that I’m not hopeless. I refused to accept it another day past September 14th of 2008. And there is no reason, not one good reason for me to think I can’t do the exact same thing with cigarettes. I have the power. I can do anything in which I assign this kind of importance level.

Do you understand now why I’m so attached to Ralph Marston’s “Set Yourself Free” and how it was like reading my thoughts exactly? I’ve reprinted it several times in these writings---being sure to give Ralph Marston and his www.greatday.com website credit, and Here it is again:

“Set Yourself Free” by Ralph Marston---"There is no outside force holding you back. You are holding you back and you are blaming it on someone or something else. The way you are able to continue holding yourself back is by maintaining the illusion that you're a victim. Once you realize that illusion, you will naturally and easily move forward. In fact, it is easier to fulfill your best possibilities than it is to avoid them. So let go of the blame and watch the limitations drop away. Certainly there will always be challenges that hold you back. For each challenge provides you with a pathway through which you can move toward fulfillment. It is your very nature to accomplish. Lovingly accept your destiny, and allow that accomplishment to be manifest through you. Set yourself free to follow your purpose. Set yourself free to truly live."

That is so powerful and so true---it gives me chills. Had I not experienced the revelation I had, it probably wouldn’t have struck me the same. I would have just had an attitude--yeah, yeah, yeah---whatever---positive speaking mumbo jumbo. But no---that’s real stuff. I’ve experienced it first hand. It’s so wonderfully true.

And so quitting smoking is now a priority for me. The time is now, not someday soon, but now. I will not buy another pack. I refuse. I still have three packs remaining. I’d be lying if I said I was throwing them away. I’m sure I’ll smoke ‘em gone. But I can tell---as I smoke each one my disgust will grow stronger. This nasty habit will no longer control me. I will control it- I will kill it before it kills me. I’ve always said I’m a survivor. I will survive. This sounds exactly like my attitude going into Day 1 of this weight loss journey.

This post was supposed to be about Wednesday. We’re nearly two pages in and I haven’t even talked about Wednesday in relation to weight loss. I’ll give you the scoped version and we’ll wrap this edition up.

I started the day realizing that we were out of breakfast items, except steel cut oats, and I didn’t think I had the time to prepare the oats. I ended up eating two whole-wheat toasts with homemade strawberry preserves. A little sweet for my taste in the mornings, but it was 250 calories of something. I wasn’t happy about it, but I failed to plan ahead. I grabbed a grilled chicken wrap for lunch, ordered without the loaded dressing---yellow mustard instead. It was good, low calorie, and as soon as the last bite of chicken was gone, I threw the rest of the tortilla away. I enjoyed a couple of hamburger patties for dinner and even allowed for a serving of french fries. It was a good food day. I snacked on a banana, some cheese, and some sliced turkey breast.

I had originally planned to meet a friend for racquetball today, but when work went way long and personal business after work took too much time, we had to cancel. I was beat. I went home and napped for a little while before jumping up and hitting the fitness room. But wait---I still needed to go to the store! I did that first, visited with a friend on the phone, talked with my mom---and before you knew it---I was deciding to workout at 4am when my alarm clock blares. I dropped in bed and realized that my nap was making it seriously tough to go to sleep. So I pulled myself up and quietly made my way into the fitness room for a workout. I didn’t do 30 minutes on the elliptical like a friend of mine challenged me to do---nice, but I’ll get there, I will. I did do 15 minutes and then two miles on the treadmill. I returned to bed at almost 1am and quickly fell asleep. I didn’t get up until 5:10am, not enough sleep for the night---but I did have a nap, so anyway. I’ll tell you---I really messed up my sleeping schedule on those vacation days! I’ll get it back, no problem.

So here we are. Day 472. We’ve come such a long way in a very short time. It’s truly amazing what we can do when we finally decide we can. It will shock you, the power we have to change when we choose change before change chooses us. 2010 is going to be an amazing year, I’m thrilled at the possibilities!

Look for Day 473---New Years Eve Year In Review coming soon right here. Thank you for reading. Goodnight and…

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 471 Another Dreaded, Often Times Avoided Subject

Day 471

Another Dreaded, Often Times Avoided Subject

I’m preparing for a big year in review post for Thursday’s edition of this blog. I’ll have pictures, videos, and more! It’ll be fun putting it all together. I’m really looking forward to that post. 2009 will go down as the biggest turning point of my life. It’s been a breakthrough year to say the least. The thought of 2010 being even better is really exciting.

I promised to cook omelets for the girls this morning and I did. It was a nice breakfast with the two most important people in my life. In yesterday’s post I talked about setting a good example for my daughters and always being ready with good advice. But you must know, I’m not perfect. I’ve never claimed to be. My daughters know I'm not perfect. I was reminded of this after receiving an anonymous comment on yesterday’s blog asking me about smoking.

OK---Well, we talked about loose skin recently, now let’s chat about another avoided subject. Let me start by saying this: I will not run, hide, avoid, or pretend this addiction doesn’t exist in my life, it does. I’m not proud of it and I rarely mention it at all. But I have written about it in these writings.

Here’s an excerpt from Day 96 titled “My Dirty Little Not So Secret”

This blog has always been about losing weight while counting calories and exercising and all of the mental aspects that go along the way. It's been about humorous experiences and serious decisions too. When I say “good choices” I'm talking about food and exercise choices. With that said, there's one thing I've never talked about in the previous 95 days worth of blogs. I make nearly forty, sometimes more bad choices every day. I sometimes make the bad choice without even thinking, I just do it. I smoke cigarettes. I have since I was 17 years old. How am I not dead yet? A twenty year smoker with a top weight of over 500 pounds? That's committing slow suicide my friend. And yet, as I've grabbed control over my weight loss world, I've allowed the smoking to continue without regard to the possible consequences. How is it that I can completely get in the zone and re-teach myself how to eat and exercise to lose weight, but I can't seem to go too long without lighting a nasty cigarette? I'm completely addicted to nicotine, but that's not a valid excuse...I've been completely addicted to over-eating too. I have to say that losing weight is much easier than giving up the smokes. A doctor once told me to quit smoking first, then worry about the weight. The exact opposite of what I've been doing. It was the exact opposite of what I thought he'd say. I was sure he would say lose the weight now, quit smoking as soon as you can. That's pretty scary when a doctor feels it's safer to be nearly 300 pounds overweight than to smoke. I haven't addressed this topic out of shame. Although many people who read this and know me already know I smoke. And even though losing weight and quitting smoking are two different things, I still have felt like a hypocrite.

I still feel that way. It’s been nearly a year since I’ve even mentioned my nasty habit. It’s embarrassing really. If you’ve read every single day, then you already knew. And you might remember what the doctor told me. He said to keep losing weight and let the wanting and need for smokes gradually and naturally decline as I become smaller and smaller. He feared that if I tried quitting at that time maybe I would’ve completely wrecked my weight loss success. He wanted to see me succeed at losing this weight and I have and continue to lose---so maybe now’s the time to address the issue of smoking. I’ll allow nothing to stop my weight loss efforts. That’s not a concern of mine. Hasn't been for a while. So why haven’t I done it before now?

It’s a horrible example I’ve set for my kids, this smoking. The minute I read that comment I knew that it was time to bring up this subject again. My first instinct was to pretend the comment didn’t exist. It must have come from someone that knows me personally, a longtime reader, or someone who has read through the archives like a book. I quickly decided to face the subject again without fear and with 100% honesty. That’s what this blog is all about. Honesty, self-honesty---being real. This blog is a weight loss blog, and I take great pride in what we’ve done here. But if I’m ever to realize my dreams of making weight loss motivational speaking and writing a career---I seriously need to give up the smokes too. How can I talk and write about losing weight and getting healthy if I’m still a smoker? It is two different things, but still---it all falls under the overall topic of good versus bad health.

Again, it is two different animals. I don’t know what kind of fallout if any I’ll have over this subject, but come what may---the fundamental truths of this blog remain. If you want a successful weight loss blog, you’ve found it. Look around, there are many more just like me. I’ve cut through all of the crud that kept me over 500 pounds for nearly two decades. I’ve discovered my past weight loss flaws and corrected a lifetime of horrible food addiction along the way. It’s not perfect---and I’ve never claimed it was.

Oh how badly I wish I could have simply replied, “Yes, I quit a long while back!” But I didn’t. Have I cut down? Yes, actually I have, but that’s not good. The only good thing would be to stop completely. Maybe I should seek out a good stop smoking blog. I feel a responsibilty to set a better example for my daughters, first and foremost, and also those that follow and support my weight loss efforts. I will make this something of a priority in my life.

I spent nearly an hour in the fitness room tonight. I did the elliptical for 15 minutes and then did 2.5 miles on the treadmill. I should have pushed the walk/jog to 3.1 for the 5K, but decided an hour was good work. I returned home and waited on Courtney to get home. I normally don’t worry too much, but she’s a new driver and it was snowing. When she called and said she was staying at her mom’s place…I dropped in bed. It took me a while to go to sleep. I’ve allowed my schedule to get a little messed up with the time off. Plus, I lay there letting this smoking topic drive me nuts.

We watched a home video from last January right before Amber left today. I couldn’t believe my eyes at the difference. I had lost just over 90 pounds at that point. To me, I still looked like 505, but anyway. It’ll be interesting to post the year in review on Thursday night. I’ll have pictures from throughout this journey from the start to the present.

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and…

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 470 Hiding The Weight?

Day 470

Hiding The Weight?

The outpouring of support and compliments from yesterday's pictures was nice. More than one reader friend asked “Where are you hiding the weight?” Well, trust me, it's there. My height has always allowed me to carry more weight. That's why some friends and family are shocked when they find out how much I weighed when I started. 420? Sure, they can see that...but 505? No way! Yes. It's like that now at 272. You don't look 272. Well thank you, you're kind my friend. I'm very lucky in that regard. Oh but I could and maybe I should take some not so flattering pictures. It would take some serious guts to post them, but perhaps I should. After all, my before pictures make me cringe sometimes, but it's OK, because that's not me anymore. The question I would have to ask myself is: What would be the real value in posting my worst current pics? Nobody wants or needs to see those pictures. Suffice to say, we still have work to do! And we're doing it and getting there one day at a time.

One reader, after looking at the Christmas day photos, asked about the progress of Irene and my daughters. They noted how I haven't given an update on them in some time in regard to weight loss. This is indeed a touchy subject. But, given the past openness of these writings—I should address that question. I can't speak for Irene. I know she has had tremendous success (over 140 lost) and is looking and feeling better than ever. But we don't talk about weight loss when we're together. I know she's learned some irrevocable lessons about weight loss, just as I have. We learned them together along this journey. So if she's struggling, and I'm not saying she is, but if she is---she'll be OK. She's going to be just fine.

The girls? Yes, they have struggled through this transition in our family. But they too are going to be just fine. It's been an unspoken struggle for the most part, but the signs are all around. Daddy knows. And I care, I do, and they know I do. But I'm not the calorie police for anyone, including my daughters. They're nearly 20 and 16. They're both honor students. They know where they stand along this road. They know how important they are to me. They know what they want and that they have the power to get there too. When the time is right we'll have a private father-daughter conversation concerning weight loss and health. In the meantime, I can only offer my fatherly support and love, and do my best to set a positive example in this pursuit. I love those girls so much, I can't describe how much, they're everything to me. We're so lucky to have such smart, beautiful, well balanced kids. They're each a true blessing.

It was wonderful to sleep in today. I'm taking vacation days before the end of the year. Just a couple, today and tomorrow. I'm really kind of looking forward to getting back to work. Is that crazy or what? I've had way too much time on my hands lately. It's routine that makes it a little easier for me. I'm a routine kind of person. And at this point I'm strong enough to navigate changes in that routine, but it's still easier when the routine is in place.

I got a call for a racquetball match today. I didn't reserve a court in time and we had to scrap that plan until Wednesday. Whitney is a fierce competitor in the court. But Wednesday just might be the day she loses. Whitney has followed this journey from Day 1, and I mean Day 1---September 15th, 2008---she read that post on that day. She's offered non-stop encouragement and has traveled her own weight loss road from right at about 200 pounds. I think she's at goal now. You're at goal, right Whit? Her and her husband Jim are friends and good people. Thanks Whit. Get ready to lose one Wednesday!

So no racquetball today, instead I visited the fitness center downstairs. Twenty minutes on the elliptical is all I can stand and all I did before doing 1.5 miles on the treadmill. It was a short workout really. No good excuse why. Just short and sweet. My level of workout depends on how much I jog. It doesn't take long at all for me to get an amazing workout when I'm jogging. So it may have been short, but productive with serious heart-rate and serious sweat indeed.

The plan was to cook at home tonight. Amber is leaving tomorrow ahead of our next possible snow event, so we all got together for dinner. But instead of me cooking, it was suggested that we all go to one of our favorite restaurants. JW Cobbs is not the kind of place you would think would be good for losing weight. But if I've said it once, I've said it a million times: It's not the restaurant, it's our choices. I've lost 233 pounds so far and that's included enjoying this place at least a dozen times or more in the last 470 days. I've written about how the staff, most of whom remember me at my heaviest, are always shocked at the progress. Of course they notice the differences in our ordering habits. Irene met us at the restaurant and we dined nicely.

The girls and I retreated to the apartment for a good movie and more visiting before we called it a night. It was good, so wonderful---a very enjoyable day for sure. I've promised the girls omelets in the morning. Egg white omelets! Low calorie and taste great? You bet! Load 'em up! Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

Reflecting on 2009

Today I looked at my old blog, the one on the right, titled "My old Diana's Weight Loss Journey". I don't even remember why I started a new blog in March 2009. I vaguely remember it was something to do with this guy. :)

I was in search of my 2009 goals, which I found in my January 1, 2009 post. I also found my old blog was black type on a black background which made it unreadable. No idea how that happened.

When I read through my 2009 goals I wanted to cry. My first thought was that I'm a big, fat failure. I didn't actually make any of my 2009 goals happen, and I only had four goals. Then I decided to try and look at the glass half full instead of half empty.

Some of these goals are still going to be on my 2010 list, but here's how I did for 2009. Fortunately it was a short list.

1. Get to my goal weight of 135 (28.6 pounds to go!).

~~~ This was a fail. Any way I look at it I failed. I don't even know how I can put a positive spin on this one. I was so close and then something happened. I just stopped and went the other direction. I weighed 163.6 when I posted this goal January 1, 2009. Today I weighed 175.4, a gain of 11.8 pounds in 2009. I suppose the positive is that I didn't go all the way back up to 240 pounds.

2. Maintain my 75-pound loss.

~~~See #1. Although I've managed to maintain a 64.6 pound loss, this goal wasn't met.

3. See a therapist for that nasty little compulsive overeating problem I have.

~~~I saw a therapist for three sessions. It didn't help. I suppose I didn't give it a chance, but it seemed like a total waste of time and money. I know I have issues, but seeing a therapist didn't seem to really work for me. I'm neutral on this being a failure.

4. Work on my marriage.

~~~I did and I didn't. I guess the positive on this one is I'm still married. We have our good days and our bad ones. Sometimes it seems all bad, then a glimmer of the old us shows itself and it all seems worth working on.

Well, so much for the positive spin. The only positive is that by being such a failure in 2009 I have an opportunity in 2010 to make these things happen. More to come on that later.

My workout today
Oh my gosh! I just about killed myself at the gym. I think I'm a bit of a showoff when it comes to lifting weights and I did a really foolish thing. I did all my concentrated dumbbell curls with 20-pound dumbbells (some guy was watching me), and then my overhead press with 25-pound dumbbells. I also added some new exercises today for upper body and now I can't lift my arms over my head. Ouch!

I've added a blog page on the the right, My workouts, where I'll keep track of all my workouts. I always carry a notebook with me to the gym and write them down. Now I'll transfer the information to a blog page. If anyone has any suggestions of new exercises or web sites with exercises, please let me know. I had some bookmarked on my old laptop that crashed last summer and now I can't find them. I really want to ramp up my workout routines in 2010. This is going to be my year!

Just another Monday (on vacation)

A blog worth checking out
I read a lot of weight loss blogs. I don't always comment because I don't always have something worthwhile to say or I'm in a rush, but that doesn't mean I'm not reading your blog. Many of you are really great writers with lots of ideas and suggestions on how to be healthy and fit. Even those of you that struggle, you still give me hope because you keep on trying.

Today I came across a blog that's I think is worth mentioning. Oh She Glows written by Angela Liddon, a beautiful young woman that lives in Milton, Ontario.

I have to admit when I first read her "about" story I was turned off because her highest weight was 147 (she's 5' 4"). Fortunately, I kept reading and realized the real difference between Angela and myself is that she figured it all out before she gained another 100 pounds.

I remember weighing 147 pounds. It was when I graduated college. I remember I felt as big as a cow, and how I thought I was so incredibly obese. I was repulsed by my fatness. It's also when I started my obsessive behavior towards food and exercise. An obsession that has continued throughout my life, resulting in me gaining almost another 100 pounds.

Check out Oh She Glowswebsite. Especially some of her older posts. She has a lot to say about society's obsession with beauty and being skinny. She's a pretty amazing young woman, and I like her way of thinking.

About my post-Christmas illness
I feel 100% better today. Thank you for all your well wishes...they must have worked! I really don't know what happened, or why I got so sick. It was scary and horrible.

The more I think about it, the more I think it might be related to having my gallbladder removed about three years ago. I was reading Dawn's post about how she can't eat fatty foods anymore since she had her gallbladder removed.

Normally, even when I overeat I don't eat fatty foods. I eat too many apples or too many grapes or too many ounces of broiled chicken breasts or too many roasted Brussels sprouts. Trust me though, I can easily gain weight from too much good stuff so it's not necessarily a good thing that I overeat healthy food.

Christmas dinner consisted of a lot of foods laden with butter. Real butter. Not the Smart Balance stuff that I normally use, but real, 100% dairy butter. Even the turkey gravy had, heaven forbid, drippings from the turkey, including a lot of the grease (made mother-in-law style).

I suspect that's what caused my "stomach flu" symptoms. Overeating really fattening food. In other words, that was self-inflicted pain. It's something I don't ever want to experience again. Ever!

Plan for the week
Today is just a lazy day. It's noon and I'm still in my PJ's. I often wonder if when I retire someday, if I'll even bother to get dressed. I could be like Hugh Hefner and just wear my PJs all day, every day. :)

I am going to get out of the house and hit the gym soon. I'm going to really make an effort to limit it to about an hour. Also, because of Fatinah's post about 10 health misconceptions, I'm going to change my workout.

I'm going to do a 10-minute warmup on the elliptical, then my strength training for 30 minutes, and then a 30-minute cardio. I've been doing this backwards for months (okay, years). I know it's suppose to be strength first and cardio second, I hate cardio so much I always want to "get it over with" so I do it first. It's time to do it correctly.

I'm also really going to try for muscle confusion. I was watching a P90X infomercial last night (at 3am...my sleep is really screwed up), and they kept talking about muscle confusion. I'm a creature of habit but I need to mix up my exercises and not do the same blasted exercises every day. I have exercise books and favorite websites so I'm going to try out some new things today.

Wednesday we're going snowshoeing up at Crystal Mountain. We bought snowshoes last spring when they were on sale and haven't used them yet. I'm looking forward to getting outside. I'm starting to feel housebound. A day trip to the mountains is just what I need.

Did I mention I love not working? Totally, completely love it. I don't miss one aspect of it. I'm just sorry I only have six and half more days until I have to return to the grindstone. Yes, I really need an attitude adjustment about work. Something to work on for the new year, among many other things.

Day 469 Perhaps I Should Save This For The Therapist and The New Shirt Picture!

Day 469

Perhaps I Should Save This For The Therapist and The New Shirt Picture!

I spent most of the day alone with my thoughts. I'm not complaining, sometimes it's nice to just think and think some more without any interaction. As I try to find the positive in this, because really---I can't stand being alone, I try to focus on the positive choices and plans that will take me where I want to go. The possibilities for me at this point have never been better or more exciting. 2010 is going to be a really good year, I mean incredible.

As positive as I try to be, it's easy to allow negative or depressing thoughts to filter into my little happy thoughts party. Being alone for me is like walking a tight rope of thoughts, attitudes, and emotions. I have to be real careful not to focus on the negative changes or I'll fall. A friend recently said “Sean, you have to look at these “negatives” as positives!” That's so true, but sometimes easier said than done. The crazy irony for me is this: The biggest motivator for me to get started on this road was to save my marriage and family. I'll never forget the night of September 13th, 2008. I could clearly see how my dangerous weight was scaring my wife and family and threatening our existence as one family unit. And now---even though I've been wildly successful at losing weight by getting to the roots of it all and digging my way out, our existence as a family is forever altered anyway.

Perhaps I should save this for the therapist. But this blog has been an amazing therapy for me. I've worked through some lifelong issues with food and obesity one day at a time. I've broken it down into very simple terms while weaving my way through extremely complex psychological exercises. Has it all been correct? Who knows, I'm not a medical doctor, or a psychiatrist—I'm just a professional announcer, morning personality, a radio commercial copy writer, a communicator. In my search to find the right words to convey the emotion and mental process of losing a lifetime of morbid obesity, maybe I've stumbled upon some universal keys to success. But still, some things are harder to figure out. I've always been so focused on the positive aspects of losing the weight, I didn't pay much attention to the possible negative affects of such a drastic, dramatic transformation. The problem is, I can only cut through, or attempt to cut through my own issues. I can't completely understand or cut through issues others might have or had through it all. And that is exactly where most of my frustrated thoughts live. But you know something? If this is the price of being free of morbid obesity, free of the psychological, emotional, and physical limitations of weighing over 500 pounds---then OK. I didn't realize the price could be so high, but I'm pot committed win or lose, there's no turning back. The turn was tough, but the river holds promise. We're going to be just fine.

I found it very tough to pull myself out of the recliner today to walk the twenty steps to the fitness room. I just didn't want to do anything. Some days are like that. But I couldn't allow myself to wallow in that place---I had to move. I walked into the fitness room with the intentions of doing a 5K---but I just wasn't in the mood. I hit the two mile mark and hit the stop button. I need to take a workout partner with me every time, I swear. Because sometimes, especially when you're alone, it's too easy to be lax. I quickly returned to the apartment and felt the renewal of a refreshing shower. I really felt better after that shower. I felt invigorated. I almost felt like going back to the fitness room, but I didn't.

Courtney called from her mom's house and invited me shopping. The Christmas Eve blizzard kept her from shopping for me prior to Christmas, so she wanted to buy me something nice. She knows that clothes are something I always need. She decided to buy me a shirt! I told her to save her money, but she wouldn't hear of it! She's so generous. It was fun shopping, it really was. I tried on several shirts. One style in 2X was too big! Can you believe that? The regular X-Large was perfect. Very strange feeling indeed. It felt amazing. It's moments like this when I'm completely convinced I'm doing this, I'm really doing this! We found an amazing sale on a Polo pullover. Half price, and then when you buy one—you get the next item of equal or lessor value for a dollar! I had never stepped foot in this clothing store before today, I never belonged here---but I do now. They had stuff that was too big for me!! I still can't get over that. Very cool. Pictures of this wonderful gift below!

I enjoyed a wonderful movie with my daughters tonight. We watched Wall-E. Amber loves this film, especially the unspoken social commentary that is constantly running throughout the story. It was a really good film indeed. I thought it was interesting how everyone is morbidly obese in the future because everything is done for them, all they have to do is ride around in their reclining seats. Hmmm.

Thank you for reading. Amber is staying until Tuesday, and I'm off work until Wednesday, perfect. I plan on hitting the YMCA on Monday for some racquetball and weights. I'll let you know how that goes, I'm sure it will rock! Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


The side view in the new shirt. Once dreaded, not so much anymore. I'm cool with the side view these days. Thank you for the shirt Courtney!


Horrible side view. Oh my...did not like this one one tiny bit. None of us did. But---it certainly serves as a wonderful reminder of how far we've come.


From Thanksgiving 2009.


Amber and me tonight.

Still alive after 36 hours of hell

I'm not sure what happened to me Saturday but after my two-hour workout at the gym I became really sick as soon as I got home. Room spinning dizziness, horrible nauseousness and dry heaves because I hadn't eaten anything before going to the gym.

It continued all day yesterday, throughout the night until 6am this morning when I sort of started to feel human again and could finally lay down on the bed. Prior to that the movement of the bed made me feel sick so I was either laying on the floor or sitting in a hard chair.

I couldn't even keep water down. I tried eating saltines and I threw up. I took Pepto Bismol and threw up. I couldn't watch TV because the movement and the noise made me feel even more nauseous. I couldn't even read because of the dizziness.

My husband found me curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor at 3am and tried to make me go to the emergency room. I refused. I told him if I was still sick in the morning, then maybe. The thought of going to the emergency room made me feel even sicker.

I'm not sure what happened but I suspect it might have been either 1.) some sort of stomach flu or 2.) that disgusting, fattening Christmas dinner. I swear I'll never touch butter again as long as I live. Even now just thinking about it makes me feel kind of sick.

I felt better today but still kind of dizzy and slightly nauseous. I was able to eat a bowl of homemade chicken noodle soup tonight and actually keep it down (no turkey, it makes me feel sick to think about it). I also drank a couple glasses of water today. I've been super thirsty because I couldn't drink anything yesterday and actually keep it down.

You never appreciate your health until you go through something like that. I'm so happy to feel better. I can't wait for tomorrow to feel even better. Plus I can sleep in my bed tonight and not on the floor or in a chair. Life is good!

Day 468 No Egg Nog---Shhh! and Jogging Into The Store

Day 468

No Egg Nog---Shhh! and Jogging Into The Store

Today has been a very lazy day after Christmas around here. We didn't accept any of the leftovers from yesterdays dinner, notably the pie, but I should have grabbed some turkey. Turkey omelets were so wonderful after Thanksgiving, what was I thinking? I really need to cook a turkey every now and then. I cook one twice a year, that's it. I have no idea why I wouldn't do it any other time, it just doesn't seem natural for some reason. It's so good and such a wonderful calorie value—I think I'll go get one right away!

We skipped the egg nog on Thanksgiving and decided to enjoy some at Christmas. You know what? We completely forgot to have the egg nog. Didn't even buy any egg nog. And, shhhh! Nobody has mentioned it yet. I can totally do without that horrific calorie value. It's good, but not that good!

I jumped up this morning ready to hit the treadmill for a 5K. OK, I wasn't really ready, but I needed to get it done. I decided to write my Christmas Day post first. After posting yesterday morning, I decided to lounge around a little first (big mistake) and I ended up going to sleep. This wasn't what I needed to be doing! I did make it to the fitness room for 3.1 miles and it did feel good, real good. I completely ignored the elliptical...pretended it didn't even exist. I was there for a 5K---not a quad burn. The elliptical and I still do not care for each other, even though we know we're good for one another. It's a love/hate relationship at best.

I made it to Wal-Mart today for some grocery shopping and wow---that place was crazy busy! I didn't have anything to return, good thing, I was just there to grab a few items. It was cold and slushy in the parking lot---so I navigated around the puddles of slush and lightly jogged into the store. That's right, lightly jogged into the store! Imagine that. Me, lightly jogging into the store after parking really far away. It wasn't always this easy. Remember Day 7? Here's an excerpt:

I made a trip to Wal-Mart this evening. Normally I drive around the parking lot until a space opens up as close as possible to the front doors. I've driven around that lot for ten minutes or more before, just to save a few extra steps. That's crazy! Today I found myself doing that exact same thing again! Old habits die hard huh? When I realized what I was doing, I immediately drove out to almost the Murphy Oil station and easily found a space. It was a nice little hike to the store, but really it wasn't that bad. We all have those moments when we know that it's time to really do something about losing weight and getting in shape. It's funny because one of mine happened just a couple of months ago in the Wal-Mart parking lot. I found a space not too far from the front doors that day, I got out at the same time a nice, little old lady was getting out of her vehicle. We were almost side by side. As we walked I noticed she was starting to get ahead of me! I was walking as fast as I could, and she was beating me!!! She was at least 80 years old and she had more spring in her step than me, a 36 year old man. I tried to catch her, and almost did, but as if she knew of the race I had created in my head, she accelerated as she approached the door, leaving me in her dust. “Wow”, I thought...”Did I just get beat by her?” Yes, yes I did. I don't remember what I was going to Wal-Mart for that day, but I'll never forget the realization that I really needed to do something soon. Oh, yeah, I remember...Ice cream and Coke-A-Cola. That's what I was after, and yes, even after getting beat by the nice older women, I still bought what I was after. Well, I did say “do something soon”. I've used the word soon way too much in my life. “I'm going to do that soon”...What is “soon”...How much time is “soon”. When does “soon” end? Not soon enough, I know that! My “soon” ended a week ago. Soon is here and NOW my friend.

I think of that little old lady every time I go to Wal-Mart these days. Every time I jog into the store. Every time I reach the front door without the slightest feeling of being winded. I think about her and how she beat me that day. She probably has no idea that I even exist, not to mention what kind of wonderful motivation she sparked in me that day.

Tonight was Team Radio night at the Festival of Angels. Several station employees volunteered to greet the cars and accept the donations at this most wonderful holiday tradition. It was good and cold. With the snow on the ground and the roads still pretty bad, the turnout wasn't great---but expected. I was so cold, and honestly I didn't dress warm enough at all---my fault, so no wonder I gave in and enjoyed some high calorie cider.

You know me---I do not like spending calories on drinks. Yeah, yeah, yeah---the coffee creamer issue...whatever! Let me re-phrase: I don't like spending calories on drinks unless it's a vital part of my morning routine. There. But it was so cold out there! And the apple cider packets were looking real nice. I picked one up and turned it over to the nutrition label. 80 calories! Ouch. For a small cup of cider? A hot steamy cup of cider that would warm me from the inside out? OK, I'm in---let's do it! Before my two hour shift ended, I spent 160 calories on hot apple cider. Hmmm. That's fine really---It's not like I do that all the time. ---OK---enough with the coffee creamer issue! Yes, if you're just now tuning in---I'm arguing with my conscious over my coffee creamer consumption issue. I spend entirely too many calories on that stuff, I do.

Courtney is taking me to the store tomorrow to buy me a couple of shirts for Christmas! She didn't get a chance before the blizzard struck, so we're doing that on Sunday! Have a great rest of your weekend. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

A new beginning

Christmas. Food. Lots and lots of food. After the last two Christmases of being a really good little Weight Watcher, yesterday I made the attempt but finally said to hell with it. The Weight Watcher recipes I made turned out disastrous.

The Weight Watcher stuffing recipe, the Smashed Buttermilk Potatoes from their Thanksgiving magazine issue, and the 3-Point pumpkin pie all tasted really terrible. The stuffing was dry, the potatoes, well, turns out I hate buttermilk, and the pie, I messed up and accidentally doubled the sugar. It wasn't even edible.

So I dug into the real stuffing that was full of butter (I know, because I made it) and the real mashed potatoes with again, lots of butter. Because doesn't lots of butter equal lots of love?

I also drank too many Pomegranate martinis. Actually, they were mostly juice. I love Pomegranate juice but it's very high calorie so it wasn't much of a trade off to have mostly juice instead of vodka.

Oh, and the pumpkin pie from Costco. It's ginormous so I'm sure a piece isn't 8 Points like a normal pie. Probably more like 16Points. Bad. All very, very bad.

A strange thing happened yesterday morning, my brand new scales stopped working. I stepped on them and nothing. These were my second new scales in about three months. They both stopped working for no apparent reason. A new battery didn't help either. On my list of things to do today is buy new scales so I can weigh in before the new year.

I started off today reading several posts by other bloggers. I was surprised by how many people said they ate poorly yesterday but they'd get back on program after the first of the year. What???

That sort of surprised me. My intent was to get back on program TODAY. After reading about other people waiting to start after January 1st, I thought, well, maybe that's not a bad idea. I have all this great food in the house, how am I going to resist it. Why not just give in and eat what I want for a whole week?

Then I read Jack's post, and I came to my senses. That was crazy thinking, eat what I want for a week?! It's like I went temporarily insane. I was 175.4 on Christmas Eve day. I probably gained a couple pounds yesterday, and if I continue to eat like yesterday for a whole week I could easily pack on another five pounds.

No worries. It's not going to happen. The gym opens at 8am, and I'm going to be there. I'm getting dressed as soon as I finish this post. After my workout I'll stop by the store and buy another new scale so I can weigh in today.

Day 467 Christmas Day 2009

Day 467

Christmas Day 2009

I jumped up this morning and finished writing yesterday's post. It wasn't long before everyone started getting up one by one. I promised everyone I would prepare breakfast, a grand feast indeed, and I did. I scrambled eggs, made breakfast sausage, and even put some pre-cooked bacon slices in the microwave. By the way, if you love bacon---the pre-cooked slices are the best calorie value. You can have four slices for 90 calories. That's a value compared to the kind you have to cook from raw, much less grease of course. It was a calorie laden breakfast—but only if the portion sizes were bad. I had a small serving of the eggs, a small sausage patty, and a couple of bacon strips. It still came in at 400 calories, and since I allow 2500 calories on Christmas, I didn't mind. I do think I would have felt better with lighter fair, but anyway.

We were headed to Stillwater today for Christmas with the grandmas and family. Last night's blizzard gave way to sunshine today, still freezing, but sunny. We'll take it! The roads were not too bad, although we did see some six to eight foot snow drifts along the highway. Some of these drifts turned the highway into a 1.5 lane, but we managed. Well, we managed until we arrived at our destination and got stuck in the driveway. Uncle Keith noticed our dilemma and rushed out with a snow shovel. After the digging and the rocking—we pushed the vehicle out—and finally made it up to the parking space.

The plan would be different today. We cooked everything at mom's house and then carried it all across the street to grandmas house. None of us wanted grandma to attempt the ice and snow covered trek across to mom's—it was best this way. We napped while the turkey cooked. Hmmm, isn't it suppose to be the other way around, with sleeping after the dinner?
My dear grandma is convinced that I do not need to lose one more pound. She told me repeatedly “Sean, don't you lose anymore weight!” I've been hearing this from grandma for the last couple of months at least. Every time I see her! I thanked her for the compliment and assured her that I still had a ways to go, but she wasn't buying it---she's so wonderful, I love her. Compared to where I was for so many years, this is a nice weight for me, but it isn't what I want.

I was very content with my food selections today. I had some turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, green beans with cheese, and a couple of rolls. Then I went back and grabbed another roll. I'm not big on bread, but these rolls were those Kings Hawaiian Sweet Rolls, and they're so wonderful, oh my...they're good. I enjoyed one small slice of pumpkin pie with whipped cream and one of Amber's chocolate chip cookies from the night before. By the time the feast was finished, I was almost finished with my calorie budget! I was satisfied completely, not stuffed, not miserable---just satisfied. And I still had 250 calories remaining. Notice I turned down pecan pie again. I just can't spend nearly 500 calories for one piece of pie, not even a half a piece---forget it. I'm so negatively impressed by the calorie content of that stuff---it's totally turned off my love for pecan pie. And I don't miss it!

The visit was short, as we needed to get back sometime around 9pm. But it was a wonderful visit—it was a good Christmas gathering. We departed with one thing in mind---avoid the drifts and get home! We rolled back into Ponca City around 9:30pm and delivered Irene to her house, then made it back to the apartment all safe and sound. I enjoyed some cheese and crackers and a little more visiting with Amber and KL. Courtney decided to stay with her mom tonight. The two of them plan on doing some shopping in the morning.

One thing that's missing from this Christmas is our annual Christmas Day 5K! Since none of us own snow boots, we decided to not even try hitting the lake today. I told myself that I would do a treadmill 5K in the fitness room upon our return home, but I must tell you---I didn't. I planned on it, then I got to visiting and my cousin Steve from Minnesota called and we talked for awhile. I decided to hit the fitness room in the morning instead. I must tell you, I really wish I would have hit the fitness room last night---I feel horrible for not. But that's the plan right now. (It's actually the next morning as I write this post)

Thank you for reading. I leave you with some pictures from Christmas Day. I hope you had a good Christmas too. My best to you my friend. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


A good amount of food. No seconds—well, OK---except for another roll...


Courtney, Mom, Me, Irene, Amber, and KL




Amber and Courtney


Aunt Kelli and me


Grandma telling me not to lose another pound!


Mom and me


I think we may have a new profile picture. I like this one. I don't look tired, no bags under the eyes. Maybe the lighting was just dim enough...whatever, I like it. Should have smiled, oh well...I like the smoothness and the facial definition. Yes, I'm ultra critical! I shouldn't be huh? I've come a really long way...


...from this. Oh my word. I love this transformation stuff!