Okay, maybe it's not my worst weighin ever. When I weighed 240 pounds I practically cried every time I stepped on the scales (and I weighed 240 pounds for over a year).
Maybe it's because I'm out of tears that have been shed over other things, or maybe it's because I know this is temporary, and I can and will lose the weight, but I'm not terribly upset with myself. It's more like, oh well, shit happens. I gained ten pounds in twelve days.
So here it is, available for public viewing, my weighin this morning, at home, buck naked, before breakfast or coffee:
188.0
I knew it was going to be bad. In fact, I shut my eyes before I looked down at the scale and tried to guess my weight. You're not going to believe this but I guessed exactly correct. I guessed 188.0 and that's exactly the number I saw on the scale. Weird.
The last time I stepped on the scales was January 12, that's only twelve days ago when I weighed 178.2. Normally I weigh every day, yet I stopped for 12 days. During that twelve days I was dealing with my sister's sudden move to Seattle and my totally insane niece, fallout from other family members because I basically kidnapped my sister and moved her, and of course, the snowstorm, ice storm and the power outage. All great excuses for eating like a fool (at least that's what I told myself).
Not only have I been eating poorly and eating too much, but I also cut back on my gym workouts drastically. I didn't even go this morning, claiming I was just too tired and too beaten down. That's exactly when I should go, but I just couldn't do it this morning.
No worries though, I have plans to get back on track. I'm not beating myself up too bad because I have lots of other people that do a great job of beating me up mentally (okay, really only one person but she has many personalities).
Tomorrow I meet with an attorney to file court papers to stop my niece's crazy antics. Even though I'm dreading the whole legal maze I'll have to go through to stop my niece, I have a sense of relief that I made the decision to follow through on what I've been talking about for months.
Thank you for all your supportive comments on my sad day post yesterday. It really helped. I agree that I need to seek help from a professional. I know this, but right now I'm swamped with all the financial, medical and now legal facets of my sister's life, not to mention my real life job.
Until I get things straightened out for my sister, I have to put myself on the back burner, but just temporarily. I know someone I can see that can help me. She's a therapist I met years ago in Toastmasters and she's awesome. We've kept in touch and as soon as things calm down a bit I'm calling her for an appointment. I think she can help me sort out this craziness. Thank you again. I love you guys. You make me feel somewhat normal (and not the wicked witch of Washington).
I've been on an emotional downward spiral all day today. After a 15-minute phone conversation with my craziest niece this morning about her mother (my sister) while on my way to work, I came into my office shaking, my heart pounding and very close to bursting into tears. It was a horrible conversation with a crazy person, and not a good way to start my day.
I feel like my heart has been ripped out and stomped on. Even as I write this ten hours after the conversation, I can feel the pain like a knife in my chest.
I won't rehash all the evil things she said to me, but I have retained a local attorney to help me stop her from ever contacting me again. It's a sad situation and a path I didn't want to go down, but my mental health is too important to me to keep living with this kind of insanity.
I really want my old life back. I didn't know how good I had it, when life was simple and my biggest concerns were exercising and losing weight. I'm trying to make the best of things, but the sadness is overwhelming me.
After 54 hours without electricity, we spotted the Puget Sound Energy trucks at the end of our street around 6 p.m. yesterday. It was cold, dark and wet out but there they were, restoring electricity to our street. I seriously love those guys. They were working around the clock, 24/7, restoring power to over 300,000 homes in the area. It was a cold and rough 54 hours without power, but we made it.
Funny story, about three hours before the power came back on, my husband hooked up our generator. We plugged in the refrigerator, the coffee pot and we had TV. While my husband was at the store to buy more gas for the generator, the power came on. I knew as soon as he hooked up the generator, we'd get power. He should have done it three days ago!
Thank goodness for our gas fireplace which kept the family room warm and toasty, and our gas hot water heater so we could still take showers. I even washed my hair and then sat by the fireplace trying to dry it. You don't realize how much you rely on electricity until it's gone.
I couldn't even go to the gym because because their power was out too even after the streets cleared up. I thought that was a pretty good excuse for not working out.
We were house-bound Wednesday and Thursday because the snow was so bad we couldn't get out of our driveway. My husband has a four-wheel drive truck so he could have made it, but he decided it wasn't worth dealing with all the other drivers and the mess out there. When the ice storm hit on Thursday, I'm not sure the 4x4 would have done him that much good.
It was truly an amazing sight this past week. Here are a few pictures from the Snowpocalypse or Iceaggeddon (everyone had a name for it). Most of the ice and snow are gone now with temperatures in the 40's, but it was fun while it lasted.
My car, encased in ice. I had chipped the ice off the back and side windows, but I couldn't get the doors open because of the 1/4 inch of ice had frozen them shut.
A Tree in front of L.A. Fitness
The parking lot at Fred Meyers (grocery store that was open).
A tree in front of Fred Meyers
Another ice encrusted tree
Close up of the ice on branches - it was just beautiful
Our Japanese maple tree in front of our house
View down our street. My husband was trying to get his truck cleaned off so he could take me to work on Friday. It took him about 20 minutes. Luckily he has remote auto start so it could thaw from the inside out or he might not have been able to open the doors because of the sheath of ice covering it.
More ice encrusted branches on our Japanese maple. I had a fascination with the ice.
The bamboo in our front yard. It's usually about 15 feet tall and completely blocks the view of our neighbor across the street. Now it's only about three feet tall since the ice made it fall, and we can see our neighbor from our front window (which I hate).
I made it to the gym yesterday, but my eating hasn't been stellar these past few days. A lot of eating out which I'm not accustomed to doing, and sometimes I didn't make the best food choices. We went to the movies Friday night and I had popcorn and candy. I haven't done that in years and my husband was shocked. I told him to leave me alone, I was going through a bad spell. The whole sister/niece thing, and now the storm and no power, who gives a shit anyway about what I eat. I know. Silly me. Of course I care. Now it's back to the grindstone, eating right and exercising. Life goes on.
I've been reading Pamela's blog, Uncovering Pamela, for almost four years, when I first started blogging in February 2008. She was the first person to post a comment on my blog and she was always there to support me. Pamela doesn't post much these days. She's discovered a life outside of the blog world, and has a busy social life these days. I miss her, but I'm happy for her.
Pamela wrote several posts about a movie that she loved, Lbs. She even went to the premiere in New York and met the director, writers and the star of the movie. She raved about it and I couldn't wait to see it.
Last night Pamela posted that her beloved movie, Lbs., was available on Amazon.com to rent. I'd never rented a movie from Amazon. I didn't even know that was something I could do. I have a Roku box (actually, we have three in our house), so I was thrilled to find out I could download a movie from Amazon to my Roku. It was only $3.99 for a 3-day rental. I didn't even bother to see if it was on Netflix yet because I wanted to see it immediately.
The IMDB gives this description: A 315-pound man decides to kick his food addiction by moving to the country.
I'm sorry Pamela, but I hated this movie. I mean H-A-T-E-D it. I found it depressing, boring, and left me with a feeling of hopelessness. I didn't love the main character, in fact, I sorted hated him too. I didn't like the story line. I just didn't like anything about it.
I almost didn't write this post because I respect and admire Pamela a lot, but this is one thing we disagree on.
I advise you to go ahead and rent Lbs. It was rated A+ by yahoo users, and won a New York film award and was a Sundance feature film, so maybe it's just me. It's only $3.99 to rent for three days through Amazon, and maybe you'll get something worthwhile out of it, I didn't get anything out of it except a bit of sadness (and I sure don't need any additional sadness in my life). I prefer happy movies. Lbs. did not make me laugh or feel good about life, that's why I didn't like it.
Part of my lunch today, plain old green beans with Pam butter flavored spray and a dash of sea salt.
I haven't eaten green beans for years. I've never really liked them much. I've always thought they were boring and tasteless. These aren't bad, in fact, I'll probably eat them again.
I eat too many Brussels sprouts. Seriously, I eat them several times a week. I've had an ongoing love affair with Brussels sprouts for years. My favorite is fresh Brussels sprouts, roasted with olive oil and sea salt. I could eat these every day (heck, I have eaten them almost every day for months!).
I've decided to branch out and only eat Brussels sprouts a couple times a week (this will be hard), and start eating a greater variety of fresh, green vegetables. I know this would be healthier.
Do you have a favorite green vegetable? How do you prepare it?
The view out my home office window (on break at lunch, working from home), Federal Way, WA - 22 miles south of Seattle:
This isn't a view I see very often at my house. I love it. It's gorgeous! It's a very gray day so it's doesn't look as spectacular as it could. However, when the sun comes out the snow will melt. It's suppose to stay below freezing all day today, but warm up tomorrow and then all the snow will melt.
I made up with my niece this morning, the one that's been calling me a bitch and a liar. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
I sent her an email and told her I wanted to get along and not fight anymore. I didn't want to have to deal with lawyers and restraining orders. I didn't want to have to go to court again. I just wanted to work with her.
A few hours later after I knew my niece had read my email, I called her. After she burst into tears and asked why I hated her so much, we talked (well, she talked) for half an hour, and I listened, trying to calm her down and listen to her grievances against me. I simply can't live with the hatred and fighting any longer. This is one more attempt at peace, and I hope it sticks this time. I know she's mentally ill, which makes this all very difficult. I have much more empathy for those that deal with the mentally ill. This is the most challenging thing I've ever had to deal with in my entire life.
It's time to grab some lunch. Breakfast was on track and is in the Weight Watcher tracker. I'm drinking water, and focusing on the healthy eating guidelines. I still feel like I'm starving again today, probably from the carbs in the pizza last night (or the wine). I just want to make it through this one day eating entirely on plan (and stay within my 26 Points...not 80 like the last few days!).
If you've been watching the weather channel you've probably already heard about our snowstorm here in the Pacific Northwest. They're not kidding! It's really bad. I live on the south end of Seattle (Federal Way), and we got a six inch snow dump early this morning. It's amazing, and I kind of love it. I wish it would stay for more than a few hours. Since it's 31 degrees I'm pretty sure it'll be gone by noon.
Like an idiot I got dressed and headed out to the gym. I scraped off the six inches of fluffy, dry snow from my car, the most snow I've ever seen fall here at one time. I really wanted to make a snow angel in the front yard, but I had to get to the gym (or so I thought).
I should have had a clue that it wasn't a good idea to drive anywhere when I got stuck in the street in front of my house where there's the tiniest incline. On my way to the gym, about a two-mile drive, I saw two cars in the ditch being pulled out by tow trucks. Then a semi-truck on the hill up to my house stopped in the middle of the road putting on chains. This sort of scared me so I drove right past the gym, and took the long way home (an extra three miles), to avoid the treacherous hill up to my house.
Just like everyone on my team, I'm working from home today. Maybe when the snow melts I can head over the gym this afternoon.
Last night was a real bust on the diet. I ate 3/4 of a California Pizza (frozen - I had bought two last weekend), barbecue chicken on extra thin crust and a then a big glass of red wine.
Yesterday I felt like I was starving to death all day. I'm pretty sure it was my body's reaction to the 800-calorie workout Monday night. Thirty minutes on the StairMaster and then an hour cycle class just about killed me. My eating was good all day yesterday, then last night I spotted the pizza in the freezer (something I haven't bought for years), and I succumbed. Exhausted physically and emotionally drained (niece junk all day yesterday--will it ever stop?), I just couldn't seem to stop myself.
Today I feel better, more in control and more like I care. Last night, I just didn't care. My health didn't seem to matter. I just wanted comfort and sought it in food and alcohol. Stupid, yes. Regrets, no. Sometimes you just have to do what feels good, even if it's bad for you.
Okay, so I'm moving on today. My plan for the day: Weight Watchers! I will track my food even if it kills me and work on getting in the healthy guidelines. Exercise this afternoon, after work and after the snow melts.
I'm exhausted. My visits with my sister drain me. I saw her Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. It shouldn't hit me so hard, and I don't know why I don't handle it better. The truth is that there is a lot of brain damage from the stroke. She's very much like a little child, maybe five years old. She's fussy, bossy, and throws temper tantrums if she doesn't get her way.
She doesn't remember people's names that she's know for years. When I tell her someone called and asked me to give her their love, she often just shrugs her shoulder, and puts her hand out like she doesn't know what or who the heck I'm talking about. I'll asked, "don't you remember -----?" and she'll shake her head no.
Yet when she holds my hand, squeezes it and looks at me with a smile, I know it's all worth it. All the hassle with her children (one in particular who is now calling me a liar and bitch to the rest of the family), the court system, lawyers, and trying to figure out her finances (Lord help me on that one), and all the time spent, it's worth it
After my visit yesterday I headed to the gym. Thirty minutes of StairMaster love and then I was going to hit the weights. It was late, almost 5:30 p.m. and the weight section was packed with men. That's the thing I really don't like about L.A. Fitness, the free weight area. It's tiny in compared to what I had at Ballys where I had three free weight lifting areas and one of the areas was huge. L.A. Fitness only has about six workout benches and a ton of men (where are the women in the free weight area?!).
Then I noticed the spin cycles had people on them, but more than just a few, a lot of people, and there were available bikes! I was so excited that I ran in, jumped on a bike, adjusted it a bit and off I went for an hour of intense cardio. About thirty minutes into I realized it wasn't a wise decision to do the StairMaster and then an hour of cycle, but it was too late. I couldn't quit in the middle of class. No one does that, right?
I made it, but I'm paying for it this morning. I'm exhausted. I didn't get home until almost 7pm. I'm just really tired today. I wish it was Friday.
It was a 70-Point day yesterday. Wow! What's so crazy about it is that I thought I was doing okay by not going totally overboard.
I eyed all the Valentine's Day candy last night at the grocery store, but walked by it without picking up a single package. I thought I was doing a halfway decent compromise with the somewhat healthy California extra-thin crust pizza and the caramel popcorn as my big splurge. I'm pretty sure if I had calculated out the Points first I would have chosen something different. I have all the Weight Watcher apps on my phone so there's no excuse other than I was very tired and hungry. Lesson learned.
Dinner was an entire package of the Caramel popcorn and 3/4 of an entire frozen pizza (it was sort of small on very thin crust but it was 21 Points). Breakfast and lunch were healthy. Oh, and let's not forget the two glasses of sweet red wine. I normally don't have alcohol, but it was just that kind of day. Crazy niece threats, police involvement, brain-damaged sister, snow, fireplace, tired, sad, hungry, husband asleep so no one to vent to = wine on the menu.
I didn't even go to the gym yesterday, because I was too rushed with crazy niece/sister stuff. I know that's just an excuse, but it's true.
In case you're wondering, I didn't get on the scale this morning. I'm not that crazy!
I know it'll take a few days to undo the damage from last night. My goal for this week was to get down to 176 by next Saturday. I just made it a lot harder with losing my mind last night. Funny how I can talk myself into anything when I'm tired and feeling sad.
I'll give it my best shot this week. Healthy eating, tracking, focusing on the healthy eating guidelines and lots of exercise.
PointsPlus® Tracker entries
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Morning
1 large banana(s)
0
Diana McMuffin
8
Subtotal
8
Midday
1 item(s) Light Multi-Grain English Muffin
3
1 serving(s) Kirkland Salmon Burger
4
2 medium pear(s)
0
1 serving(s) Litehouse Dressing & Dip, Lite Bleu Cheese
I keep telling myself things will get better, that I will be able to enjoy my old life again. I never thought my life was that great, but after all the BS I've gone through recently I realized I had a pretty decent life. It's funny how you never appreciate what you had until it's taken away from you.
I spent yesterday morning talking to the local sheriff's department and the Fairbanks police department. I was trying to find out what I could do to protect my sister from my crazy niece until I get a court ordered restraining order against my niece (which hopefully I can get this week).
Everyone was very kind and helpful. They told me to write up a brief synopsis of my niece's issues, along with her physical description and a picture of her, a copy of my guardian papers and strict instructions to call 911 if they see my niece on the premises. Then give the synopsis to the police. I felt like I was putting together a "wanted poster" on her. It made me sad that it has come to this, but she's forced my hand by threatening to get on the next plane and fly down here to see her mother. Luckily it's an adult family home with only six residents and one caregiver, plus the owner that lives across the street and pops over all the time. It's not a huge facility so they can easily keep an eye on who comes into the home.
Then I spent three hours visiting my sister yesterday. I cut her bangs short, which she prefers. The hair stylist that cut her hair last week made long bangs that swept to the side. I knew my sister hated them because she kept fussing with them. Then I put makeup on her and gave her a manicure with pretty pink polish. She's still a beauty, even at 73 and all she's gone through. I sat at the dinner table with her and two other ladies as she ate her food perfectly with her left hand.
Although my sister was happy when I got there, she was not having the greatest day. For the most part it was good, but she gets really frustrated that I can't understand her. I get frustrated because she gets mad and starts to cry. I can't figure out what is wrong, then she scrunches up her face and tries to hold back the tears. I hate it. I know there's going to be a transition time for both of us and we just have to get through it until things settle down and we fall into a routine. I really wish we could communicate better. That's the hardest part.
After dinner she went to bed, which is her normal routine. Under the instruction of the home caregiver I lifted my sister into bed. She weighs almost nothing. Maybe 130 pounds. I expected her to be much heavier. I dressed her in her soft, new pajamas that I had just bought and washed the night before. She was complaining her back hurt her but she'd been up since 7am and it was 6pm. For a woman that had been bedridden 24/7 for the last four months it's pretty amazing that she's up and in her wheelchair or the a recliner all day for the last six days. She takes her meals at the dining room table and not in her bed. She likes to wheel around he huge house in her wheelchair or sit in her favorite recliner in the family room and watch a little TV.
By the time I got home I was mentally and physically drained. I'd had a really healthy breakfast and lunch (about 500 calories total), and I was starving. I had stopped at the store to get some groceries. BIG MISTAKE. I was so tired I wanted something easy for dinner. I bought a frozen California Pizza on thin crust, some Orville Redenbacher Caramel microwave popcorn, along with a ton of there stuff, but the pizza and popcorn were going to be my dinner.
By the time I got home it was 8pm. My husband was asleep. I ate 3/4 of the pizza (810 calories) and a bag of the popcorn (850 calories). Today I'm actually going to go back and put all this in my Weight Watcher tracker. I know it was more than I was suppose to eat, but what can I say. It was a hell of a day. I'm not use to talking to police departments and putting together wanted posters. I overate. Big deal. Today I'll be back at the gym and back on track (I went to the gym four out of five days last week). I'm not sweating the small stuff anymore, I have too much big stuff to get freaked out about now.
My main goal is to settle into some type of routine visiting schedule with my sister. Spending most of my day on sister stuff isn't really working for me. I want to spend time on some Diana stuff too. I just need to find the balance.
I’ve noticed I have a lot of belly fat, which we all know is the worst kind of fat. It’s better to carry it on your hips and thighs, and not the belly.
Even as my weight goes down, my waistband seems tighter. The thighs of my pants are looser, but my waist and abdomen are bigger. The video from a couple days ago showed me just how bad it looks. Not only is is visually unappealing, but I know it’s killing me from the inside out.
I have a sick feeling the growth of my abdomen has a lot to do with the incredible stress I’ve been under since September 21, 2011, when my sister had her stroke. We’ve all heard how stress produces a hormone called cortisol that causes belly fat.
I’m 56 years old and have never dealt with a mess like what I’ve gone through with my sister. I didn’t know my family was so totally screwed up, including my own brother. If I hear him say “Poor Linda, you should be nicer to her” one more time, I think I will just freaking lose it. Linda is the crazy niece that continues to torture me with her insanity.
The latest is that my other niece called me last night (the one I’m having evicted from the apartment complex my sister owns) to tell me that Linda is on a plane to Seattle this weekend to see her mother. She was crying and apologizing for being such a loser herself, she sounded drunk, so I don't even know if it was a true statement.
Regardless, this means I have to head down to the Sheriff’s department this morning and see what can be done to stop craziest niece if she shows up at the home this weekend. I can't have her causing a disruption at the home or upsetting her mother. As my sister’s legal guardian I have control over who can see her and who can’t. For now, craziest niece is on the “can’t see my sister” list.
Since this is such an odd situation, the Alaska Courts granted guardianship to me, Alaska Adult Protection Services and Alaska State attorney general’s office are involved, and my sister is still technically a resident of Alaska, it’s not easy to secure a restraining order against my niece that lives in Alaska. I have to hire another attorney down here to help me, and he didn’t call me back yesterday. Stress level at the moment, off the Richter scale.
Even if I could take crazy niece out of the picture (which seems to be outside my realm of possibilities), I still have the stress of managing sister’s fiances. She has some money left, but at the rate it's going, it's being quickly depleted which is scaring the hell out of me.
I paid $7,000 of bills yesterday for my sister's basically abandoned apartment complex in Fairbanks (just the niece and grand-niece still live them and of course, haven’t paid rent for two years). This is only the tip of the iceberg of month bills. There's tons more, bills for her house, medical bills, credit card bills, property and car insurance, property and income taxes (did I mention there's a possible $39,000 IRS bill looming over my head for my sister?). I pray the sale goes through the end of this week for the apartments. Otherwise, my sister is only good for a few more months. Even down here the cost is $4,800/month just for her room and board (it was $7,500/month in Fairbanks).
Since my stress level isn’t going down anytime soon, what do I do about my belly fat that seems to be growing by the minute? It’s actually kind of frightening. I measured my waist this morning and it’s 34 ½ inches. My abdomen is 43 inches. That's really dangerous, especially at my age. I can imagine that my internal organs are covered in a really thick layer of disgusting yellowish fat, and that my organs are struggling to function.
Obviously, I need a plan. I’ve read many times that cardio will melt belly fat. Almost every day I do at least 30 minutes of cardio. I do an Intense, hard core cardio workout on the StairMaster or elliptical. It’s a crazy-fast interval program on both machines (on alternating days). And I do mean crazy fast where the sweat is pouring off of me and my clothes are wet with sweat within the first two minutes. After my cardio, I lift weights, alternating different sets of muscles on different days. Obviously the exercise isn’t the answer to melting my belly fat.
I just searched “Belly Fat” on Amazon.com. 3,387 matches. Where to start? I’m not really sure, but I have a feeling the answer is out there. I need to do something different. Eat different food, change my exercise. There has to be something that works. If anyone has any ideas for melting the belly fat, please post a comment. I know there are “melt belly fat” pills, I’ve seen them advertised in weight loss magazines. I’m not a pill person so I wouldn’t even consider trying a belly fat reducing pill. I’m sure it’s false advertising. There aren’t any magic pills.
I'm thinking about starting yoga. Not for exercise but just so I can calm the hell down for at least a few hours a week. Not hot yoga which I hate, but the regular kind that focuses on breathing and stretching. I like that kind.
Of course, I strongly suspect if I just lose the weight, the belly fat will be reduced significantly. That’s probably the real answer.
You've probably had this happen to you. You're kind of going along in life, lots of things pulling you in different directions, and you're not really focused on diet and exercise. You're trying to make the best possible choices, sometimes you do and sometimes you don't. You think you're eating right and you're squeezing in the exercise when you can.
Then it happens. You see a picture of yourself. You can't believe your eyes. That can't be YOU!
Actually, my moment of realization that I'm fat was even worse. It was a video taken by my husband last night. It was suppose to be a video of my sister but since my husband was handling the camera there's several minutes of me wheeling around in my sister's wheelchair at her new home (really kind of fun too). But when I saw the video, all I could see was a very fat Diana:
I "thought" I was doing okay. I was weighing every day and was even down a few pounds recently, weighing 178 yesterday morning. I knew I wasn't skinny, but what the hell is that thing around my waist. It looks like I have an inflated inner tube under my shirt around my middle.
How did I not see this when I looked in the mirror? Maybe because I don't look in the mirror when I'm sitting down. Maybe I should look in the mirror when I'm sitting down. Honestly, I had no idea I looked this bad. If I didn't know better I'd say I was well over 200 pounds. I wonder if my scale is broken.
Okay, so I'm upset about how bad I look. I guess what really bothers me is that I didn't think I looked that bad. Boy, what an eye opener. Videos get me every time. They do not lie.
Now I'm really serious about losing this weight. It's ridiculous I've waited this long and goofed off. I should have been at goal years ago. Plus, with all that fat around my middle I'm a strong candidate for a heart attack, or heaven foribd, a stroke!
My tools of choice to lose weight, Weight Watchers of course, and my Polar heart rate monitor, as well as my BodyMedia. I'm going to track Points, starting today.
Pictures of my sister's new home Lastly, a few pictures of Arbor Rose, were my sister is living now. I love it. It's an adult family home with only six residents. Those are the flowers my niece Camille sent her. Camille is the sweet one.
Please, Let's Go Behind The Curtain: The SCZ Examined
I have spoken and written about the “Steel Curtain Zone” many times. The SCZ is simply a barrier I have erected between me and my old behaviors where food is concerned.
It was born from necessity when I made my ICD, or “Iron-Clad Decision” to choose change.
This ICD meant I wasn't going to allow any person, place, thing, emotion, circumstance, celebration, misfortune, stress, or whatever else, be used as an excuse for failure. This time, I wasn't letting myself off the hook easily, or ever again.
It also forces me to naturally make better nutritional choices, because it's my intent to get the most value from my calorie “dollar.”
I started thinking about how many times I have used the term “Steel Curtain Zone” and how you might get the wrong impression. The term “steel curtain” brings to mind something unmovable, as it should.
However, it was never my intention to lead you or anyone to believe that behind the steel curtain stands a man of steel. Nothing could be further from the truth.
It dawned on me that out there somewhere, reading my words, might be someone else who sees the term steel curtain zone and feels "I could never do that. I don't have the willpower. I'm not made of steel"
If that's you, then you really need to know this right now: I'm not made of steel either.
The curtain is steel, but I'm not.
Maybe you think I'm just playing verbal gymnastics with you, but no, honestly, I'm not.
There is a world of difference between me being a man of steel and me being behind a steel curtain. You see, it is precisely because I am NOT made of steel that I need the steel curtain.
The SCZ protects me.
I am weak. It is recognizing my weakness that has brought me victory. There has been a lot of struggle behind the steel curtain. Inner changes that had to take place in my mind to allow me to change physically. The steel curtain didn't just keep food out, it kept me in.
While food was out there on the other side of the steel curtain, I was left on this side doing whatever I had to do to not violate the steel curtain.
I was no longer battling food. I was no longer fighting the wrong battle, and I didn't have to, because I was safe behind the steel curtain.
I had to watch myself and learn all the different ways my inner self would try to rip away the safety of the steel curtain.
There, safe behind the curtain, I was finally free to learn about myself. Learn my weaknesses AND my strengths. I don't know if this helps you, but I know it helps me to look at this. Mainly I just wanted to let you know and remind me, that I am not a man of steel.
If I ever actually believe I'm a man of steel, I would quickly become lost again.
Before this transformation I saw myself as helpless, hopeless, and a lost cause. I believe one can be just as lost on the other side of the road if they start thinking of themselves as invincible.
I know that I am not and that is why I, Sean A. Anderson, a mere mortal, still need the “Steel Curtain Zone.”
Thank you for reading, goodnight and...
Good Choices, Sean
It would be an honor to personally ship you a signed copy of my book "Transformation Road-My Trip To Over 500 Pounds and Back," available for purchase directly from my website www.transformationroad.com
So much has happened in the last twelve days I almost don't know where to start.
My Fairbanks trip on New Year's Eve was a disaster. Remember how my sister wouldn't stop crying that evening? It continued into the next day when my husband and I visited in the afternoon. Nothing but tears and squeezing my hand until I thought she was going to break it.
I asked if she was okay. No. I asked her if someone had hurt her, yes and more tears. I looked at my husband and I felt my heart stop. My worst nightmare was for someone to hurt my defenseless sister and she could never tell us who hurt her.
This was Friday, December 30. I called APS (Adult Protection Services) in Fairbanks and told them they needed to do an immediate investigation with my sister. They did and concluded my sister had been hurt, arm and ankle twisted, by my crazy niece, and threatened. There was a restraining order put in place (at least that's what the owner of the home told me) to prevent my niece's family from seeing my sister.
There's more to this story that I'm going to leave out, mainly because my niece is suing me, or at least she is threatening to sue me.
A lot happened my since my last post on December 30 to Sunday, January 8. Things I'd like to forget, but will probably haunt me the rest of my life.
Bottom line, my sister now lives here in Seattle, about fifteen minutes from my home. She's happy, and can't stop smiling. She went from being bedridden, living in a hell hole assisted living home in Fairbanks to a gorgeous adult family home with five other residents. In only 24 hours she was scooting herself around all day in her wheelchair.
She went from wearing the same shirt and Depends all day and night, and eating in bed to getting up (with help of course), getting dressed in real clothes and having breakfast, lunch and dinner in the dining room where she can look out large windows. She eats with the other residents. In her old home she was in a basement room with a little window she couldn't even see out of and had her meals in bed. It was horrible.
She's even making friends. They told me that she and the Alzheimer's lady (a former teacher with a masters in education) talk back and forth in their own strange secret language (can't wait to see that).
I can't tell you how much lighter my heart is these days. I know my lovely sister will never be like her old self, there was too much brain damage. I do now that now she is having the best quality of life she can have for someone in her condition. She's happy. Which makes me happy.
I'm in the Anchorage airport, waiting for my flight back to Seattle. Even though I made the trip from hell with my sister just two days ago when I basically kidnapped her and brought her to Seattle (I can do that as her legal guardian per the District Attorney's office), I had to go back to Fairbanks last night to testify in court against another niece about being evicted from my sister's apartment complex (which sold!).
I've written a bunch of blog posts over the last few years. Some were short (Seriously, there was a time...Okay, come on---stop laughing!!!), Some were epic, some were so full of different thoughts and ideas, it was probably hard to maintain focus on any one subject (I know it was often that way for me). And some are my very favorite posts, because they were paramount in my understanding of me. Day 327, Day 135, Day 60...all important marks along this road. The night Courtney burned her girdle, the "Wrong Battle" analogy...and the pictures, oh my---at some point, and I'm not sure when it started, I felt the need to post 137 pictures at the end of every blog post. And if I could also add a video in there or an audio clip of something, I'd do that too.
Well, tonight, I'm not doing what I've done lately. I'm not talking about the book (okay, maybe a little at the end of this post--I mean, I am promoting a book these days!), and I'm not posting a single picture with this entry.
I'm not railing against the "industry" or making comments about the content of mainstream shows and magazines. Nope, not at all. Tonight is a back to basics approach, where we just talk. Uh---Okay, I guess we're not talking really...but I'm just writing and you can comment later, if you so desire.
From the very beginning of this trek, I've tried to keep the fundamentals very simple. The food and exercise, from my experiences--could be made to be so crazy complicated, it would frustrate and risk me wanting to give up. So I kept it simple. I never wrote down my daily food, because I didn't want to mess with the paper work. This is an individual preference, because I have friends who MUST write everything down. My attitude was simple: Compared to the amount of food I was eating to maintain at over 500 pounds for so long, eating only 1500 calories should be easy to keep track in my head. And for me, it was. I had a running total every day and I always knew where I stood.
Exercise was kept as simple as possible. Too simple, you might say. I've never been a P90X'er kind of guy. I'm more a "walk in the park" and "Okay, I guess I'll try to jog a little" kind of guy. And that was okay, right, and perfect for me.
Could I be some massive muscle bound guy by now? Sure, if that's what I would have chosen. But it wasn't. I know, I know...If you've read every day of this blog, then you remember my often times exhausting tone of disappointment over my lack of discipline in the weight room. The truth is, I'm not, nor will I ever be the perfect beach body looking guy with abs of steel. I'm just me. And that's all I want to be.
Will I ever have skin removal surgery? Probably not. I once talked all about how I would and how I deserved it, and perhaps I do. But I really don't care if I ever have the procedure.
For the first time in my entire life, I'm finding a beautiful self-acceptance and peace about who I am, what I'm about, and where I'm headed. I'm loved by the close friends and family around me and by wonderful people all over the world---and it's truly a blessing. Most importantly, this journey has brought me to a place where I love myself more and more everyday. Is it a full embrace? No. It's kind of a warm embrace with an awkward ending--Because I'm still growing and learning, about me, and about these changes making my life what it is today.
How do I maintain? The question has come up often since hitting goal in November 2010. The answer is: I eat normal portions of what I love and I exercise occasionally (and always striving to change the word occasionally to regularly to "loving running" or something like that...).
There's of course, much more to it, and I'll get into it on my next blog post.
Thank you for reading, goodnight and...
Good Choices, Sean
P.S.--You can pre-order your personally signed and shipped copy of "Transformation Road--My Trip To Over 500 Pounds and Back," on my website. My personal inventory is currently sold out, but I'm receiving a refill before the end of the week. At that time, another shipment will be mailed--including the five wonderful people who's pre-orders are waiting and of course, your copy. Coming soon: ereader versions and an audio version! I just voiced Chapter 505 and Chapter 1 tonight! Very excited about the release of these options!
It Can't Be Installed Like A Computer Program, Reviews, and More!
A long time reader writes: "No worries Sean, there will be shows and magazines for you someday."
Before moving further into this blog post, let me clarify something. My last blog post wasn't me whining and complaining or throwing a jealous fit about not making the cut for a major television show or magazine issue.
It wasn't about me. It was my experience/perception of how the weight loss industry seemingly controls mainstream media with its magic wand of cash. Now, with that said--do I love the show mentioned? Yes. Would I jump at the chance to share my story with their viewers? Of course! Would I absolutely faint into my morning egg white omelet if the magazine mentioned ever decided to feature me? Yes, naturally.
But not in a "fame seeking" kind of way. Simply in a "how many more people can I reach with what I've learned along the way?" kind of way.
You see--My goal, my mission, my passion in life is pure and simple. And it's all about sharing my experiences and philosophies. It just so happens, these messages are not yet attached to a billion dollar company capable of writing huge advertising checks to mainstream media outlets. And my simplistic yet deeper understanding of the dynamics involved in my liberation do not require special products, plans, or anything in which you can affix a price tag. Featuring what I have to say, might very well offend one of these giant check writers, and people's livelihoods are at stake at that point.
The wonderful thing is, I understand! I've been a member of the broadcasting media for nearly a quarter of a century (oh my, that makes me feel really old). When a listener hears me voicing a commercial detailing the amazing flavor and awesomeness of various restaurant menu items, it might sometimes sound very strange and contrary. But it's my day job. It's part of what I do. And to me, I know from experience--it all comes down to our personal choices. It's not the restaurant industry at fault for the obesity epidemic--it's always, every time...our individual choices. Very few menu items exist that can't be enjoyed in a reasonable portion size--in a normal way. It was always my internal influence that turned what could have been reasonable and manageable, into crazy-unmanageable--and over-board excess. My choices...every time.
I'll keep on doing what I do---writing what I write, saying what I say, delivering my message the way I do...and the only thing that will ever change it, is my ability to grow and learn along the way. Because I'm always learning, that never stops. I'm not an expert on anything or anyone but me.I'm not a weight loss guru. I'm a weight loss "you-ru," because these changes I write and speak about must come from within each of us---it's not about me, it's about you. You and your amazing power to choose change. And when you do choose change...try to put a price check on it. It's very hard...because it's priceless and relatively unique for each and every one of us.
I owe a big thank you to the many family and friends who often show up in these blog posts and of course in my book.I have many loved ones and I'm eternally grateful for their love and support. It's no secret, many of my friends and loved ones struggle just like me, with obesity and all of the dynamics involved. A few wonderful people have lately expressed a puzzled perception of how I can be so close to my family and friends, and while I have seemingly overcome, many of them still struggle. As if my family and friends individual success is somehow guaranteed by virtue of our close relationship. Let me explain a thing or two, please...
We're all at different points along this road. And we all have different experiences, emotions, behaviors, likes, dislikes, and the list can go on and on. We're each a snowflake, different and beautiful in our own wonderful way. There's only one person in the world who can do it for anyone. It's not Chris Powell, or Jillian, or Bob, or Richard Simmons, or me, or my book, or any product or service glaring from the billboards along this road. This one person is very easy to find but often difficult to connect with deeply, because of the conditioning developed over our individual lifetime experiences. Easy to find, by simply looking into any mirror, harder to understand without a concentrated effort of self-discovery.
So why do I do and share what I do? Because I have hope. I hope and pray that my experience and example can shift the perspective of someone just enough--that they might find their own "click" within themselves. Because it must come from within. No person or product can do it for anyone, ever. And if they do, it's most always, without fail--temporary.
When someone, like me, discovers the answers do not exist outside of themselves, that's when amazing transformations take place. And once this epiphany happens for someone--look out, because their transformation is as sure as night turns to day. It's empowering in the most fantastic way possible.
The internal changes for each of us, can't be installed like a computer program. If that were the case, I'd have IT specialist all over it, designing the perfect program available for instant download---and I'd become a multi-gazillionare overnight and the World's obesity epidemic would fade away into a distant era in history. Wow, wouldn't that be amazing? It can't be done.
And it can't be done, for anyone, by anyone else other than themselves.
What we can do is this: We can focus on ourselves and our individual transformations. We can write and speak about what we're learning along the way and how it applies to our situation. We simply do what we do---and as we do, people close to us or in tune with our message---may or may not pick up and relate in their own way, and being "tuned in" just might shift something---and then, their personal "click" might happen. Or not.
And it doesn't matter one way or another, because we love them regardless of size or scale or someone's ability to "get it." And since it can't be installed like the latest version of Windows, it gives us peace. Because the only person we're ultimately responsible for and able to help, is staring back at us in the mirror.
Thank you for reading, goodnight and... Good Choices, Sean
Reviews have been pouring in for my first book "Transformation Road-My Trip To Over 500 Pounds and Back," and I'm beyond grateful for the incredible words from these amazing people. You've given me a tremendous gift, thank you! Here are some:
Judy H.D.--
"Sean, just finished your book last night... read it in a day, I just couldn't put it down. I could hear your voice while reading it, so it was like you were talking to ME. I cried within the first 10 pages. There are so many things I could connect with. I was a 'husky' child. And I was also a single mom, and I have a mama's boy who is 26 years old now. Oh gosh, I could go on and on and on about how much I love your book, your story. (and I might lol) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing this, for sharing this. There are so many people I wish would read your book now, Sean. They may not feel the hopelessness of never losing weight when they read your words. The words 'thank you' just don't do it.:)"
Paula L.--
"rec'd my book in the mail today! so exciting! read the first 148 pages, taking only a break for dinner, and putting the kiddo's to bed. really enjoying it!"
Cathy L.--
"Hi Sean, I just had to write you a quick note. I just opened up my package that contained your book. I am so excited. I almost want to go home sick just to start reading it, but I won't. I have been following you since AOL did a pop up story of you a few years ago. You are amazing. What you have done with your life, and you have helped so many of us struggling with the weight problem you have given us hope. Keep up the much success. Thanks for everything."
Michelle R.D.--
"Sean, I finished reading your book this morning. It was awesome!! Once I started reading, I couldn't put it down. I would highly recommend this book to anyone with any kind of addiction. As I read, even though our lives were different, I could start to see the excuses in my life that have stopped me from losing weight. It had to be so hard for you to reveal such intimate details of your life. But that's where the honesty part comes in and total accountability. You are such an inspiration!! I believe this book will be a #1 best seller!! I wish you the best of luck! I look forward to reading your blog. I plan on starting with Day One tonight."
Wendy Landes--Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
"I just finished ur book in a car ride to northeast Oklahoma! It is absolutely amazing! So moving, engaging and right on point! I am ecstatic about ur accomplishments and even prouder to have u as a friend! Congrats…"
Gloria J.—(after watching the quirky little video found below and reading the book)
"Good morning to you; I just cut up two apples, squeezed lemon juice all over them and sprinkled cinnamon and Splenda over them...got my "apple pie" ready for my lunch. Getting ready for work. Thank you so much for this idea. It is scrumptious!!!! Yum!! Have a great day. I finished your book last night. Awesome, awesome!!!! Thank you..for sharing your story and reaching out to others and allowing us to keep in touch with you. I have lived in Ponca for 7 years but never heard about you until I saw the ad in the Ponca City News. Thank you Ponca City News!!!!"
Coming soon: Kindle, Nook, and three other ereader formats. Plus, an audio version I get to voice!!
Combining my broadcasting career with my new career as a writer was destined to create this: "Sean In The Morning" interviewing Author Sean A. Anderson (Note: A delicate balance of humor and truth can be heard in the below audio clip):
More photos from my recent book signing at Brace Books and More! Photo credits: Cathy Cole
Some more photos from my personal collection:
Triumphant stance in front of marquee!
Finally holding it my hands!
At my dining room table signing pre-orders. Kelly snapped this shot when I wasn't looking...genuine happiness on that face there, my friend!
Amber is a pro at organizing the packing and sealing of the shipments. She supervised Courtney, Bradley, and Dylan too---and they all did an amazing job! Thank you!
Ready for the post office!
On the back dock waiting for post pick-up. The initial shipping of pre-orders took an hour and a half inside, in front of a waiting mid-day crowd who now, thanks to me and your orders, only had one postal employee to handle the rush. My apologies!! Really wasn't a good time to take up a counter position! Great thing is this: No reason for a future back-log again. I'll be able to ship as I receive new orders.
A recent dinner I prepared for Kelly and me. It was incredible, if I do say so myself!! And the calorie value was awesome! Just under 350 calories on this plate!
Always keeping a supply of snacks I love ready in my man-purse---I mean, European Shoulder Bag--enables me to navigate my day without feeling famished at the end of the afternoon!
I'll be featured on www.blogtalkradio.com Monday January 9th with Cyrus Webb and his show, "Conversations LIVE." The show airs at 5pm central, 3pm Pacific, and 6pm Eastern. Here's the link.
To watch the "What's In The Bag?" You Tube Video, just click the link below:
