Day 682 and Day 683 The First Double Day Post and Plenty of Pictures

Day 682 and Day 683

The First Double Day Post and Plenty of Pictures

07/29/2010

Thursday was the start of a really busy weekend for me, I mean seriously--I'm literally booked through Sunday night. The madness starts today! I love it, so don't get me wrong---this is living, maybe a little too much, but living like I never could before.

Back in the stand-up days, I had this bit---it totally relied on my 500 pound plus size to be funny, and some other morbidly obese people never laughed---because they knew that I was hurting myself for the laughter that made me feel loved, respected, and totally valued. The bit was about me walking into a Mazda dealership and asking to test drive a Mazda Miata. The bit worked about 97% of the time---it was a guaranteed laugh, and sometimes it became an applause break---it just depending on my delivery and the mood of the audience. Why do I bring this up? Because I took a test drive in a used Mazda Miata today. It was a convertible, but the top was up---and I fit perfectly. It was amazing. I was driving a Miata!!!! This little car is so me right now---I've always wanted to drive a little car, own one, because it would be such an amazing thing. And if you're remotely familiar with my old stand-up material, then you know exactly how meaningful this is to me. It's huge!

I had a full workday today, capped with a five to seven pm remote broadcast from The Ranch Chiropractic Wellness Center. The Ranch grilled homemade authentic German brats. These bratwurst were the absolute leanest brats I've ever enjoyed! Yes, I had a half with a bun and plain yellow mustard--and later had another half a brat minus the bun. I was so impressed with the flavor, despite the lack of fat. It was amazing! But a little hard to calculate the calories...I decided on 225 per. This isn't your typical bratwurst! 225 was an honest guesstimate, yeah---I'm pretty sure.

Dr. Amy commissioned miniature cupcakes with the Ranch Chiropractic Wellness Center logo in icing. These tiny things were the cutest---and seriously, each one had to be about 60 calories. I finally decided on 80, but really---I think that's an over estimate. 60 looks and feels so reasonable.

Kenz is flying into OKC tonight. I plan on meeting her at the airport, although she doesn't know that part. I'm surprising her at the terminal exit. I'm so excited to see her!

I'll add more to this post as I can. In the meantime---I must run! More soon---please, enjoy the pictures!

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OK--it's soon...and as promised...

07/30/2010

This morning was met with a nervous energy that refused to stop until late afternoon. It was performance day at the OCTA festival. I'm very happy we had such a wonderful performance on Monday night in front of the Poncan Theatre audience. If we can just do that again, we'll be absolutely fine!

The hotel breakfast was premium stuff. Real scrambled eggs, yeah...you could tell. And a bunch of other things like biscuits and gravy, sausage, and bacon. It's almost boring to write about, you know, how I waltz in and completely, confidently handled that breakfast buffet. I'm really happy where I find my very natural habits. I was hungry, absolutely--but I was picky...some fruit and corn flakes, a little bit of scrambled eggs--even a slice of bacon. I naturally avoided the breads, the gravy, the sausage, the bagels, the cream cheese, the peanut butter...naturally avoided. It isn't a struggle to make these choices. I'm not missing out on anything. I do not feel deprived. I enjoyed what I wanted and nothing I didn't. I love the feeling I get after making good choices so naturally. I often remind myself later, hey--you didn't even have to think about those choices, way to go!

The festival this afternoon was a very interesting experience. Everything is timed. You have ten minutes to set up, an hour to perform, and ten minutes to strike the set. Any violation of these limits and you're disqualified from the competition. We had a bunch of extra time to play around with--we even considered positioning the set in slow motion, for sheer entertainment value. We didn't, but I think we should have.

Before we took the stage, I gazed one last minute into the dressing room mirror. My thoughts go to my 505 pound days, where something like what I was about to do would have been completely unthinkable. Oh, I'd secretly dream about it, but actually doing it? Not as a 505 pound man--no way. But here I was...in a dressing room, with a lead role in a comedy, waiting for my moment under the lights. This is living.

Kenz and her dad Wayne made the performance too! I was so happy they could be there, and really---it didn't make me any more nervous than normal. I was confidently cool by the time we took our places. I'm so glad I couldn't see the audience very well through the lights, but they were there---the laughter and applause let us know.

After the performance, Kenz, her dad, and I enjoyed the Golden Palace Mongolian BBQ and Chinese Buffet. Wow, this place was crazy good. And it wasn't bad at all. It sounds horrible, and I guess it could be if you made it that way, but really---the choices are there for the choosing. I picked my veggies and meat and then a cook takes those ingredients and cooks them on a large rotating platform. It's a site to see really...and it ended up being a plate that wasn't too much at all.

I grabbed a few things from the chinese buffet, an egg roll and a few other favorites, and enjoyed my meal. An experience like this isn't about being exact on the calorie count, because really---it would drive you crazy if you tried to be exact, because you just couldn't. It's about trusting yourself, it's intuitive, it's normal portions, it's smart choices. It's looking at the options and making responsible decisions you can be proud to own. It's drinking the water, it's pushing the plate away and realizing that you're satisfied--not stuffed. It's walking out of that place knowing that it was handled in the best possible way--and feeling absolutely incredible for the experience.

I've really allowed this trip to change my writing dicipline---and that really bugs me, but it shouldn't. This blog is so important to me, and what it's done for me over the last 683 days is nothing short of incredible---so missing a post, or catching up later by having this "double post" day, really bothers me. Then I remind myself that it's OK because I'm living the fruits of my consistent dicipline...and wasn't this the goal from the beginning? To live to the fullest? And sometimes that means not being able to post the page on my regular schedule. I'm fine. Everything is absolutely fine!

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


The dash of the Miata--with me behind the wheel...It felt amazing to fit in that little car! And it was so much fun to drive! Zoom Zoom Zoom!


Authentic German Bratwurst at The Ranch Chiropractic Wellness Center


Miniature cupcakes...so cute!!


We Rock the water challenge all day and night!


Hurry, take the picture---I can't flex for too long here....wow---this tattoo makes me feel tough, and VERY accomplished!


Still from "Wanda's Visit." Morgan Ham plays Marsha!


Another picture from the play during festival...


Kenz made it!


We're having a blast together!


With Stephanie Williams as "Wanda" and Morgan Ham as "Marsha"


With Director Chris Williams


With Andrea Storm--a PEWC member, Lose To Win Member, and now 30 pounds lighter!!! Way to go Andrea!! Andrea plays the waiter in "Wanda's Visit," and has one of the most memorable lines in the entire play!


With Stage Manager Amanda Lyons!


With Tom Cowley, founder of ReAct. Tom's in costume for a fantastic walk-on role in "Wanda."


With Bobbie Carson--President of The Ponca Playhouse


With Morgan Ham

So how's that working out for you Diana?

I was raving to my girlfriend about God Women and Food, about how wonderful it is to not be consumed by thoughts of food. I eat when I'm hungry, which is a really new concept for me. I eat what I want, and surprisingly I don't crave sweets. I eat healthy food, and I don't weigh or measure my portions.

As I'm telling my girlfriend how great this is and how free I feel, she asked the inevitable question, so how's that working out for weight loss? The honest answer to that question is that it's not working out at all for weight loss.

I've been home for four days. I'm still on vacation if you call cleaning house, doing mounds of laundry, vet visits, and a Costco run and grocery shopping a vacation.

I've been eating pretty much when and what I want, including handfuls of Thai Curry Cashews that I discovered in the bulk foods in the "nutritional" food center at Fred Meyers. My recommendation is to stay away from those things because they are addictive (and full of calories and fat).

Here's the strange thing. My weight on Monday morning after nine days of eating out, desserts and really eating what I wanted, was 173 pounds (up seven pounds). My weight this morning is still 173.

Now that would be a wonderful thing IF I was at goal. I am NOT at my goal weight.

My conclusion is probably pretty obvious to anyone reading this. Although the theory of eating when you're hungry and eating what you want sounds really good, it's not really working out for me. I want to LOSE weight, not maintain my weight and especially not at 173.

I'm not giving up on Geneen's ideas in Women Food and God because I think they're valid and most of them can work for me, I just have to be a little more restrictive in order to lose weight. I don't plan on torturing myself with a strict 100% on plan "diet" or starving myself. I do plan on going back to counting Points, starting today.

It's also back to the gym six days a week since that seems to work out best for me. I've been going every other day this week and it makes me feel lazy and like I'm cheating. When I work out really hard I want to eat better (no cashews).

I'm on Chapter ten of Women Food and God, The GPS from the Twilight Zone. This is the chapter where she talks about The Voice. I really like this chapter so far. Here's an excerpt from pages 130-131:

The Voice feels and sounds so much like you that you believe it is you. You think you are telling yourself the truth. And you are utterly convinced that without The Voice as your conscience, your wild and unruly tendencies would run amok.

Let's take an example that probably occurs with alarming frequency, possibly many times a day. You are humming along with your morning routine when you try on an old pair of pants. Uh-oh. You can't get your right leg into the designated hole.The hole that just last year was already a size bigger than the year before. The Voice says, Look at you! You are pathetic! Your thighs are the size of the Rocky Mountains. You look down at the appendages in question. Hmm, you think, my thighs really are taking over my body, the living room, the neighborhood. The Voice says, You should be ashamed of yourself! You agree. You think, I am ashamed of myself, look how I've let myself go. The Voices says, Bad bad bad. You think, Bad thighs, Bad me.

A few minutes later you notice that you feel as if you've been vaporized. In the space that you once occupied there is a ghostly dread and a vague feeling of being needy, weak and fat. Within minutes, you've ricocheted into feeling as if your life is not worth anything.

Yet.

Nothing--not one thing--has changed since earlier this morning when you felt spunky, feisty, irreverent. The objective fact is that you can't fit into your pants. The reality is that you've gained weight in the last few months. But why should gaining weight have the power to devastate every last shred of your well-being? Why can't you realize you've gained weight and make some decisions about how to proceed with some degree of wisdom and self-worth?

Sound familiar? It's like a chapter taken right out of my life that I've repeated over and over for decades. Geneen continues on with how to deal with the voice. I'm only half-way through this chapter, but so far, it's one of my favorites.

Day 681 The Mental Part Is The Biggest

Day 681

The Mental Part Is The Biggest

Out of every single day along this road, one stands out for me above all of the rest. Lately I've been getting a bunch of email asking about the mental aspects of this journey. So today, a day that I have very little time to write, I've decided to re-post that one special day. From August 7th, 2009 here's Day 327:

The Emotion Ocean and The Mix Tape of Our Mind

Since crossing the 200 pounds lost milestone on Wednesday, I've talked about the major elements of my success. It's been an amazing journey so far. But in talking with a struggling friend today, I realized something. I realized that talking about the mental changes being 80% of this battle, and talking about all of the little and big psychological gymnastics I've done to stay consistent, well, it just doesn't go deep enough. So take a big breath and let's go diving into the deep waters of our emotion ocean.

Is your past in complete command of your future? Have you given it control of your life? What are you afraid of? What is your biggest fear? Whatever your answer to the last question is, that's what's holding you back. I've always had a fear of not living up to my potential. Never following through. Never becoming what my teachers, family, co-workers, coaches, and comedy colleagues just knew I could be. Potential. Do I fear my potential? Or do I fear not living up to that potential that everyone is so certain I hold within? I've never had a problem convincing people to believe in me, but I've had a devil of a time convincing me to believe in myself. It's like I've had a mix tape playing over and over in my head for so many years. That mix tape would say horrible things to me, and it made me believe them. You'll never live up to your potential. You'll always be fat and ugly. You'll never realize any professional success in broadcasting beyond a small market level. You'll pass your horrible behaviors with food onto your children. You're worthless and not worthy of success. Who do you really think you are? You're just a poor kid from the projects that will never amount to anything special. And you're stupid, an uneducated buffoon just faking his way through life, trying to convince everyone that you really have a clue. What does the mix tape in your brain say everyday to you? I guess what I've done is this: I've hit the eject button on that old mix tape. Then, I destroyed it. It will never play in my mind again. Never. I've made a new mix tape. What I hear in my head everyday now is this: You will exceed your potential in ways you can't even fathom at this point. You will be healthy, thin, and handsome. Your success in broadcasting, motivational/inspirational speaking, and anything you decide you want to do is only limited by your imagination. Your example and guidance for your family is exemplary. You're worth is immeasurable and success is yours for the taking, go ahead, you deserve it. You are a man of integrity with amazing abilities of communication. You're a kid that was raised through humble beginnings completely surrounded by love and acceptance. You're a self-educated intelligent human being who doesn't have to convince anyone of anything. Big difference huh? What we tell ourselves everyday is what we become. It's true my friend. So why after a lifetime of fighting obesity am I breaking free so wonderfully now? Because I destroyed that old tape and replaced it with something worth listening to. How do you make a new mix tape for your brain? Write it out, memorize it, burn it into your brain, and most importantly...Believe it. Maybe it's too much to replace everything all at once. Replace one at a time...transform how you think about yourself at whatever pace you're comfortable. This is what Mr. Ralph Marston is speaking of when he talks about no outside force holding you back. You're holding you back.

Your old mix tape was made over time. It is the product of your past. And if you continue allowing the past to determine your future, then you'll always get the same result. Don't allow your past to own you, OWN IT. Put it in it's place. Let the past know that it's effects on your future are over right now. Don't try to completely forget about the past. A good friend of mine told me, very recently in fact, that you can't amputate your past and walk freely into the future. Your past is your story. It's made you who you are today, good or bad. But you can immediately decide that it will no longer control your future. And someday, that complete story that is you can and will shine as a light of hope to others. Letting them know that anything is possible, anything at all.

I honestly didn't know what I was doing when I started. But I was doing these things, accidentally stumbling upon epiphanies that would prove to be life changing for me. It wasn't until recently that a couple of good friends clarified exactly what I've done by sharing “the mix tape” analogy. Something else that they shared was something I've done without realizing for the last 327 days: I've been “acting as if...”

I've acted as if I was a normal responsible eating individual. I've acted as if I was someone who cared about exercising. I've acted as if I was someone that could share my story and help others along the way. Three very powerful words: “Acting as if.” Why are they so powerful? Because you become whatever you put into your brain. When you're “acting as if,” you're training your brain to accept and transform to what you desire to become. And you will.

So now you know where my resolve comes from. Now you know why my consistency level is unwavering. Now you know why I'm so passionate about sharing my story, my triumphs, and my struggles. Is it perfect? No. I've said that many times along this road. It doesn't have to be perfect my friend. Striving for perfection is the quickest detour to disappointment. But if we continue with a positive consistent effort, and we change the way we think about ourselves...then our success is practically guaranteed my friend. You will not be able to stop it from happening. And don't be afraid of success. Go ahead, you deserve it. And the great thing about weight loss success? It happens slowly over time, allowing you to adjust to the new you. You're going to absolutely love it.

After meeting with the cast and crew of "Wanda's Visit" and "Proof" tonight, most everyone decided to enjoy El Patio Mexican Restaurant. My strategy is simple--water, no ice--and a straw--Easy on the chips, I avoid the rice and beans, and I go straight for the "side" menu. I ordered a small guacamole and a crunchy chicken taco. With the chips, we're still talking 500 calories minimum. I guesstimate at a local place like this, but it's educated---I compare to national brand restaurants that have listed calorie values. It may not be exact, but it's close for sure.

Oh--I almost forgot! For lunch I prepared a 220 calorie pizza that was a little different than the norm around here. I used another Joseph's product---it's the big rectangular shape lavish flat bread. The entire thing is two servings, 50 calories per, so 100 calories total. With the sauce, a scattering of mozzarella, and some mushrooms---it was amazing! I actually rolled it up into a huge mushroom pizza burrito. I couldn't believe it was only 220 calories, just amazing! i regret not taking a picture---I'll make another soon--and post it here of course!

I'm rushed! Better run now. Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


My dinner at the restaurant tonight.


A blurry still from "Wanda's Visit" I'll try to get some better real soon! Stephanie Williams Center and Morgan Ham on the right!


The latest picture of me with Kenz. She's flying in tomorrow night! Yay!!!!!!!! ;)

Freedom from myself

For as long as I can remember I've felt like I was trapped in a body I hated. Over the years I've constantly berated everything about myself, from my fat thighs, flabby upper arms, saggy stomach, hair that's always too blond or not blond enough or too long or too short, and the many imperfections of my face, always too fat or too thin, too long, not pretty enough. Nothing could escape my critical eye. Basically, my entire self was flawed regardless of how I tried to fix it.

Recently I've been reading Women Food and God bye Geneen Roth. I won't say it's changed my life but it has certainly given me a lot to think about. She tells the story of when she "lost her face". Basically, she had a severe allergic reaction during the second day of a six-day retreat. Her face became extremely swollen and almost unrecognizable. She thought it was the end of the world. It wasn't. People hardly even noticed. She was still the same person, even though she lost her face for a few days. It really didn't make any difference in who she was or how people saw her.

I've constantly criticized myself with The Voice (again, from the book). This is  my own highly critical devil that lives inside of me, that's always yelling at me that everything about me is bad or broken or just wrong. The Voice tells me I'm fat and ugly and how could anyone possibly love me. The voice. It's time to shut it up.

It's like I've been released from myself. I realize that sounds slightly schizophrenic, but it's exactly how I feel. I feel like it's okay to just be me, flaws and all. Even if I lost my face, I'd be okay.

Getting back into the swing of things
Exercise. It's so hard to get back into the workout routine after ten days of vacation and only three workouts (with my sister at her gym in Fairbanks which has the coolest cardio equipment). I blew off exercising yesterday. First full day back from vacation, the house needed a thorough cleaning, I was tired, and blah blah blah. I was full of excuses for skipping the gym. Surprisingly, I talked myself into not going.

Today was almost a repeat of yesterday. Suitcases still packed, laundry to the ceiling (well, almost), house still dirty, and I was still tired. Yet I told myself exercising really isn't an optional task. Just like doing laundry, even though I don't really like it, it has to be done.

It was 80 degrees in the shade when I took off on my bike at 4pm. I was heading to the gym. The ride, round-trip, is only 9 miles, but there are lots of hills. It was absolutely perfect bike riding weather. With the sun at my back and the wind in my face, it couldn't have been better.

My maximum heart rate was 156. I did seven upper body exercises at the gym, three sets each. It was ridiculously hot in the gym (it felt like a sauna). With the 50-minute bike ride and 45 minutes of weight training, I burned 637 calories. Not bad.

The food
Being conscious of what I'm eating is entirely new for me. I'm use to eating in front of the TV or eating standing up. Sitting at the dining table while I eat, without a TV or a magazine or book is difficult. I'm starting to actually taste my food. Although I still enjoy eating, it turns out I don't really love food as much as I thought. I've always said it's not my fault that I'm fat, food just tastes good.

Sure it tastes good, but it's kind of boring just sitting there eating, tasting each bite. Being conscious of my food. Sometimes I eat alone, sometimes with my husband. Either way, slowly eating food with no distractions sort of seems like a waste of time.

Conscious eating is a new mindset for me, one I'm still trying to grasp.

Day 680 Not The Same Guy and This Isn't A Plan, It's Living

Day 680

Not The Same Guy and This Isn't A Plan, It's Living

A friend of mine brought it to my attention that someone leaving a comment on the AOL article suggested that the story was a fake. I'll be honest, I haven't read all of those comments. Why? I guess I need a little thicker skin. After reading the comment from some guy who was trying to calculate the calories I must have consumed to reach 505, I decided that it was best not to continue reading. I can't help it sometimes, I'm sensitive. That's just me. But this yahoo who was arguing the authenticity of the before and current pictures, saying that you can tell that it isn't the same person if you look at the eyes...this guy, wow...I guess I shouldn't be offended, because in a way it was a compliment, and in another way...he's right.

I'm not the same person as 505 pound Sean and you can see a difference in my eyes, absolutely, that's called joy my friend...pure joy. But seriously, how crazy funny is that? Someone arguing the authenticity of my transformation. Well, I've lived it every single day. It's real--that's me--and there are many like me with equally dramatic transformations. Some people just have to be negative...it must be a very miserable existence in their world. Poor guy...

I started the day with my normal routine of non-weighted strength training exercises. I just couldn't bare another day without these very simple, yet effective exercises--all of them, not just the squats. And perhaps they do just as much good for me mentally as they do physically. I enjoyed my coffee and a scrambled egg pita wrap with mushrooms. I really love this breakfast. I think I was getting burned out on omelets. I'll fix omelets again next week!

I received two different emails today, both talking about my "plan," and both mentioning the Atkins Diet. For one, my "plan" is simply called living, eating, and moving like a normal healthy person. It reminded me of a day early on this journey---and it took a little while to find the exact day, but I did. The following excerpt is from Day 54:

A listener of my morning radio show came up to me today at the store and congratulated me on my weight loss. Then came the question. “So, how are you doing it?” I told him “1500 calories a day and exercise.” Then he asked me “What plan is it?” I told him “oh, it's my plan”, This really confused him. “So like Atkins?” This guy wouldn't quit. “No, it's just 1500 calories a day and exercise—no special pills or plans or crazy strict food list.” He then suggested I try the Atkins diet, because “who can live on 1500 calories?” I was very polite and thanked him for the suggestion then I told him that 1500 calories was working just fine for me. He then proceeded to tell me how he lost 30 pounds on the Atkins plan. He was a very nice man and a loyal listener. And I appreciate that! But man, he was convinced that I had to be doing some kind of special plan or book or service or pills or something!

He's not alone, many people are convinced that you need to buy the solution. The multi-billion dollar weight loss product industry thrives because of this way of thinking. So many people struggle with obesity and have for so many years, all the while waiting for that perfect plan or drug to save them. Many of the “plans” will help you lose the weight, but do they really teach you how to eat after the plan?

That's my biggest problem with the Atkins diet. I actually gave it a try back in 1995, but the grocery bill was just too much! And I quickly realized how fast you remember how much you love bread and other carbohydrates when you're filling up on meat, eggs, cheese, and more meat. But my love for carbs isn't the reason I will not do the Atkins plan. It wasn't teaching me anything about portion control. I wasn't learning anything except the science of why it works. That came in real handy when I would explain why I could eat two pounds of hamburger meat, a half pound of bacon, and a block of cheese and still lose weight.

I'm in this for the life change, the long haul, the permanent results. I'm learning how to handle food in every day life and enjoy real portions, instead of monster size portions. And because I can eat whatever I want within my calorie budget, there isn't a situation or special circumstance that can trip me up.

Remember the crazy boiled eggs/bananas/hot dog diet? I think that was the “special” combination. One day you ate just boiled eggs, the next bananas, and the third day hot dogs. Then on day 4 you started over with the boiled eggs. Oh, it works! Sure it works! But I'll tell ya, I don't plan on eating those three things exclusively for the rest of my life! Maybe it wasn't bananas...I'm pretty sure about the boiled eggs and hot dogs, but that third item may have been something else. Anyway, it doesn't matter, that's nuts! And really it's just another form of calorie counting, the only difference is you don't have the choices. The unlimited choices are what makes calorie counting so great!

I don't spend too much time explaining or defending my "plan" these days. It's all documented right here in these writings. And it's not something you can buy, it's something you live. It's real change, the kind that sticks. And when you fully embrace this change, it's a joyous experience. Are there tough days when the Steel Curtain Zone must be activated? Yes, of course. But seriously, let me tell you something...the taste of triumph, of overcoming a tough day with your resolve and calorie budget in tact, taste much better than any binge or trigger food.

I prepared a fantastic meal tonight. Chicken breast, green beans with cheese, and a serving of hash browns. It was 460 calories of incredible.

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


Jodi--Proud member of the PEWC--drinking the water at Cheeseburger in Paradise. Jodi writes: I drank two of these at dinner which equates to 40oz! How cool is that? Literally. LOL! We were out at Cheeseburger In Paradise where I made good choices! I had a grilled chicken sandwich on a whole wheat bun with one slice of cheese with broccoli on the side instead of their fries. Also, I wound up only eating half of the roll. Too much bread. Instead of any sauces I asked for lettuce, red onion & pickles. Great choices Jodi, and thank you for the picture! Very nice!! You can check out Jodi's blog at: http://www.elvismoodyblue.blogspot.com


Me--using the "straw-no ice" strategy for rapid water consumption!

This message was in my email:

I plan to keep drinking long after the deadline, thank you!! An avid reader--Tami

I don't have a water drinking picture of Tami, but her decision to keep drinking the 64 ounces a day long after this coming Sunday, is something I'm hearing from others too. I know I plan on continuing---and really, that was the idea of the PEWC anyway...Kind of like the challenge that never ends! The healthy benefits are simply undeniable.


A big before picture with Courtney, my youngest...


With Courtney---almost a year and nearly a hundred pounds ago--not sure when exactly--anyway, pictured with my size 64 jeans. These jeans were the biggest the big and tall store carried---and when I first bought them, they were tight!!!!!!!! Scary, to be that close to special ordering or custom sewn clothing...


Before picture with my cousin Debbie--this might have been shortly after I started along this road.


Dinner tonight!


Recent with mom

Day 679 Confidence In Me and Double Pita Pizza Calorie Value--Rocks!

Day 679

Confidence In Me and Double Pita Pizza Calorie Value--Rocks!

The alarm sounded at 4am, so I reached over, turned it off, and just laid there awake. This is Monday, the first workday of a busy week, and the first day of week three in the Positive Effect Water Challenge. So many things were going through my head. My radio show, production projects at work, a business trip Tuesday in Tulsa, "Wanda's Visit" tonight and again on Friday at festival, working out, Kenz arriving Thursday night. Yes, this...this is going to be a big week.

But still, I just laid there, as if to say give me a minute here! I'm so happy these days, like genuinely happy...and it's not like everything is perfect, it's certainly not. I just have this incredibly positive vibe I carry, a place mentally where anything is possible and obstacles are only speed bumps along the road, positioned perfectly to keep my feet on the ground while giving me a nod to move forward with confidence. This is a very nice place to be, and it's not about being 13 pounds from goal. It's about being happy and confident in who I am and what I do, something that hasn't always been as clear in my life as it is right now. Ok, enough of this introspective feel goody stuff, Monday is waiting!

I made my way from the bed to the bathroom, then to the coffee pot, and then to my chair. I decided that before my email was opened or my blog was checked, I'd do a minimum of 60 non-weighted squats. Wow, I can tell that I've allowed myself to fall out of the habit lately---the burn starts way too soon.

I enjoyed a banana early, then I prepared breakfast to go: Two whole eggs with mushrooms in a Joseph's 60 calorie pita, the whole thing was 210 calories and I was set for a good morning! I also found some time to make a couple of pita pizzas for dinner! I love those things, I do...and they're so easy. I love mac and cheese too. I didn't have any today, but I read about it today. From July 25th, 2009:

I spent 400 calories today on mac and cheese. This is very unusual. I can count on one hand how many times I've had mac and cheese in the last 315 days. I love it too much! I started out with a very small portion, then decided to “invest” a little more. It tasted amazing! So, nearly a third of my calorie budget in mac and cheese---then I tossed the leftovers in the trash. There wasn't that much left, and it sounds wasteful. I can't add the amount of calories I've consumed before in the name of “don't waste it!---here, let me put it on my waist!” We actually have changed the way we cook around here. We simply cook less. Much less actually. We're saving money and saving calories. We've had several meals that look like it's not enough, but then everyone gets a serving of this and a little of that, it's all gone, and everyone is satisfied. No seconds, no leftovers, and no picking while it's cooking---because, hey...there's just enough! It's taken some getting adjusted—because we always cooked so much! But our perspective has changed, our focus has changed, our lives have changed.

Getting in front of an audience tonight with this production was a wonderful experience. Last year's "Call Me Henry" was so dramatic, and it was a wonderful experience--but the laughter I heard tonight took me back to my stand-up days. The audience was amazing, so in tune with our every word and expression, that they were laughing in places I hadn't expected. That feedback from an audience is something you just can't get in rehearsals, and it felt incredible. It put any doubt to rest for me, and I think the rest of the cast and crew feel the same way. We have a serious contender at the theater festival. The performance will be Friday afternoon at the Nancy O'Brien Performing Arts Center in Norman, Oklahoma. Can't wait!

Dinner tonight was late. I had over 600 calories coming, probably a little too much by this time of night, but I was actually hungry--and I'm hardly ever hungry. I could have had dinner before the performance, but I've never been a pre-show eater. I'm too consumed with the performance to relax and eat. I prefer eating when the show is in the books. A couple of ham, mushroom, and mozzarella pita pizzas sounded perfect.

I used two of the Joseph's 60 calorie flax, oat bran, and whole wheat flour pitas, 30 calories worth of pizza sauce (1/4 cup) total, one thin slice of black forest ham between the two for 25 calories total, an ounce of mozzarella on each for 160 total, and 15 calories worth of fresh mushrooms. Look at that picture below...wow, looks like more than 350 calories for sure, but no---that's it! 350 total for both together! That's an amazing calorie value! I added a banana and a little peanut butter to reach my calorie goal tonight, and everything was wonderful!

The PEWC is becoming almost effortless for me these days. At first, it wasn't easy, I'll admit. But now, I haven't a problem hitting at least 64 ounces--often getting the first 40 down relatively quick. The benefits are incredible--I feel it in so many ways. A bunch of people are participating---and if you're a proud member, let us know how you're doing! I had really hoped to post more water drinking pictures---and I'll post some more soon, I've just been moving so fast lately. I'm excited to post yours, so email them--please! We're on the last week of this challenge, but the hope is--that this three week challenge will develop a healthy water consumption habit that will continue to benefit long after this Sunday. I know it will for me.

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,

Sean

Breakfast at the studio

Makeup! Just a little for the stage...More pictures coming soon with cast and crew, absolutely!


350 calories of pita pizza goodness!


I couldn't find this PEWC member's name on her blog...so I'll refrain from using the name from the email...but---I love her strategy for effortless water consumption: She uses a straw! Very nice my friend. I also love her blog name and address, visit her today at www.immyfavorite.blogspot.com

It's Not About the Weight, but It's Not Not About the Weight.

I'm reading Geneen Roth's book, Women Food and God. After giving it a bad review without even reading it (just from what I saw on the Oprah interview), I picked up a copy before my trip to Fairbanks. I decided I wasn't being fair since I hadn't read the book and only caught 30 minutes of the Oprah-Geneen interview.

I'm on chapter five of the book and so far, I'm impressed. In fact, I'm so impressed I signed up for the Geneen Roth two-day workshop on October 8-9 in Seattle. Grace will be attending too, and I'm super excited to meet her (forget Geneen, I get to meet Grace!).

Women Food And God

An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything

with Geneen Roth

Holiday Inn Seattle SeaTac Airport

This is just down the street from my office so I don't even have to drive into the city, an added bonus.

If you want to sign up for the workshop, here's the  link:

 http://geneenroth.com/events_and_appearances.html.

Also, if you go to this link, there's a popup where you can sign up to get a free chapter from the book, Women Food And God, emailed to you. I signed up for it myself and was sent the free chapter, and it's chapter four, the best chapter I've read so far. I'm on chapter five, but chapter four was the one that really hit home with me.

The one paragraph that that's really struck me is in chapter four, page 52:

The bottom line, whether you weigh 340 pounds or 150 pounds, is that when you eat when you are not hungry, you are using food as a drug, grappling with boredom or illness or loss or grief or emptiness or loneliness or rejection. Food is only the middleman, the means to the end. Of altering your emotions. Of making yourself numb. Of creating a secondary problem when the original problem becomes too uncomfortable. Of dying slowly rather than coming to terms with your messy, magnificent and very, very short--even at a hundred years old--life. The means to these ends happens to be food, but it could be alcohol, it could be work, it could be sex, it could be cocaine.

I could practically quote the entire first five chapters of the book. I've highlighted and underlined many sentences and paragraphs because it seems like she's speaking about me. It seems the key is finding out the issue and facing it, not necessarily fixing it. This is a new concept to me. I know my issues but I thought I had to fix them, which seemed insurmountable. Geneen says we're not broken, and we don't need to be fixed, we just need to face the issues and feel the pain. It won't kill us. A very difficult thing to do. It's so much easier to run away from it, compulsive overeat and let weight become the primary issue.

Strangely, this book is giving me a sense of peace about my weight. I don't feel as freaked out about coming back from vacation and having gained six pounds in nine days.

When I stepped on the scales this morning, my first morning back home, I looked into the mirror first and told myself regardless of what the scale said it didn't make me a bad person. It didn't make me lazy or stupid or ugly. It didn't define me. I weighed, and I'm 173 pounds.

Yes, I'm up a few pounds, but considering I ate cookies, candy, and a lot of meals at restaurants, and I barely exercised (three gym visits and a few walks in nine days), the gain was expected. I'm surprisingly not upset, not shaming myself, not doing the negative talk that "I'm a fat, lazy, stupid pig and why did I do this to myself?"

Perhaps if I'd read more of the book while I was on vacation, the results might have been different, but I accept me as I am now.

One more quote from the book that had a profound impact on me, chapter four, page 53. I wish I'd read this before my vacation. :)

Sometimes people will say, "But I just like the taste of food. In fact, I love the taste! Why can't it be that simple? I overeat because I like food."

But.

When you like something, you pay attention to it. When you like something--love something--you take time with it. You want to be present for every second of the rapture.

Overeating does not lead to rapture. It leads to burping and farting and being so sick that you can think of anything but how full you are. That's not love; that's suffering.

Weight (too much or too little) is a by-product. Weight is what happens when you use food to flatten your life. Even with aching joints, it's not about food. Even with arthritis, diabetes, high blood pressure. It's about your desire to flatten you life. It's about the fact that you've given up without saying so. It's about your belief that it's not possible to live any other way--and you're using food to act that out without ever having to admit it.

I highly recommend this book, Food God and Women, and will be periodically writing about it as I continue reading.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The vacation

I had a great time in Fairbanks. Nine days with my family was bliss. I'm very fortunate that I have such a wonderful family. They're people I'd hang out with even if I wasn't related to them.

They're not perfect by any means (neither am I), and we have dysfunctional things just like anyone else, even some Jerry Springer shows could be made on some of it, but for the most part, they're awesome.

A few pictures from my trip (out of order, but I'm too lazy/tired to rearrange them).

Mt. McKinley or Denali (as they call it now). From the plane window flying to Fairbanks.

 Fairbanks, from the plane window. I actually stayed at my sister's place, 30 miles from town. But this is the town where I went to high school and college. I grew up closer to Shaw Creek, 80 miles south of Fairbanks.

My sister and I by the gravel pit where we go swimming. It was only warm enough one day to swim, 72 degrees. It was a very cold July this year.

My brother, Jerry, on our 4-wheeler trip to Shaw Creek flats, down the Alyeska Pipeline Road.

My brother, his wife and Goldie, the Alaskan Pomeranian. Sweetest dog ever.

Moose in the field next door to my sister's 400 acres, Eielson Farm Road.

My great niece, Joanna, and her daughter, my grand niece, Layla. Sweetest and smartest two-year old I've ever met. And she lovesme. :)

On our 4-wheeling trip, next to the pipeline.

Me in the rain. Official army rain poncho ($50), best investment I ever made. Kept me dry and warm.

More pipeline.

Trumpeter Swans, living on a little island in the middle of a lake. There were actually four adults and babies, but I couldn't get close enough to get good pictures.

A bull moose that ran out from a lake and then took off under the pipeline on the other side of the road. He had sense enough to duck down when going under the pipeline. Proof that the wildlife are doing just fine with the pipeline. We saw nine moose that day, cows, baby moose, and bulls.

Me and my niece Linda.

Osprey nest. I have pictures of the Osprey, but he or she wouldn't pose for me so not very good pictures. It did scream at us while we were taking pictures. Huge bird, with probably about a 10 to 12 foot wingspan.

Going up a very steep hill on the 4-wheelers. My 72-year old sister was driving. She's owned 4-wheelers for years she's never driven one. It was her first time. Even though my brother told us to be sure to be in 4-wheel drive he forgot to put his rig in 4W drive so he got stuck. We had to back all the way down this hill. I was sure the thing was going to flip over backwards and we were all going to die. Scary but fun times. :)

Day 678 Far From Perfect, Learning Everyday, and The Evolution of Good Choices

Day 678

Far From Perfect, Learning Everyday, and The Evolution of Good Choices

I started my Sunday morning with a big mushroom, ham and Swiss omelet. I say "big," and it was, with two 17 calorie egg whites and one 70 calorie whole large egg, extra mushrooms, 65 calories worth of Swiss, and a thin slice of Black Forest ham. The entire omelet checked in at 200 calories, certainly not big in the calorie department. Enjoying a big hearty and filling omelet like this for only 200 calories is the very thing I mean by "good calorie value." We're talking the most bang for my calorie buck!

I've received so many wonderful e-mails lately in response to some of my writing about over-coming food addiction and my methods and philosophy that have made this transformation road a joyous adventure. But you need to know, and if you've read the archives you do, I'm far from perfect. I'm learning everyday just like you. I feel without a doubt that the mental and food parts of the equation are certainly my strong suits. I'm not scared of food anymore. I control food, it doesn't control me...and those changes in me will last the rest of my life. It's one of those things that once you fully embrace, it sticks. We know too much to ever go back. But...

When it comes to discipline in the workout part of the equation---uh, yeah---I need serious help. Maybe after this water challenge ends in a week, Kenz and I can start working on an exercise challenge. Up until the start of this water challenge, I'd never consumed more than 64 ounces of straight water in one single day--at least that I can remember. I've been horrible with two very important elements: Water and workouts. So before you start doing exactly what I've done, just remember---the mental gymnastics to stay consistent and the food philosophy---yes, but when it comes to water and exercise---you can show me a thing or two.

I've said it over and over along this road...If I'm ever to realize the fitness level I dream about, I must change my lax approach to working out. I'm capable, I have zero good excuses for not giving 100% effort with exercise. I could rationalize that I've spent so much valuable time navigating and untangling a lifetime of food addiction and yo-yo dieting, that no wonder I haven't focused on the exercise as much as I should have, especially lately. Whatever...it will not make me feel better, because I know the truth. Here's that self-honesty mechanism kicking in: The truth is, I've become very comfortable with my transformation---and it gives me an out. I could also say that I've loaded my schedule to the point of exhaustion---but really, how long does it take to do a Richard Simmons DVD or my morning non-weighted strength training exercises? It was vitally important for me to get in that walk every single day in the beginning, it was absolutely necessary--but now, that urgency isn't the same.

You can go back 3 months, 6 months, and even a year and read this same kind of personal disgust in my workout discipline. So remember, I'm perfectly imperfect---and I've been that way this entire journey---and we're still 13 pounds from goal. I say that for a reason...Not to make me feel better about my lack of performance in the gym--but for a very important psychological reason:

Because we don't have to be perfect. If you're trying to be perfect, you're probably driving yourself mad. I can remember past failed attempts where I would allow myself to get discouraged if I thought I slipped up even in the slightest--it's all of the self-imposed rules we put on ourselves along this road that cause us unnecessary frustration. Where do they come from, these rules? They come from the conditioning we've had our entire lives on how weight loss is supposed to work. At the risk of sounding grandiose and boastful, the weight loss industry should get ready, because my success flies in the face of most conventional weight loss industry wisdom while making perfect sense. I've changed the way I look at weight loss and the entire industry, and I will keep writing and walking the talk everyday. Now, if I can just get a good workout...

I wasn't prepared food wise for a long rehearsal today. I had my water bottle and that's it. I really didn't plan on being there that long, so when an opportunity came about--I made my way to a convenience store for something good.

My good choices have evolved naturally and so wonderfully along this road. It makes it sometimes difficult to find something to eat in a convenience store. But I lucked out and found a banana and an all natural Clif Bar. It was more than just a snack really, at 350 total calories--it was lunch. I could have had some chips and maybe some beef jerky--but that would have been a good choice from early on this journey. Do you see how the definition of good choices must evolve naturally? And it's different for each of us. My taste have changed, improved really---it's one of the vital mental dynamics of my "nothing is off limits" philosophy. It's gradual positive changes in our choices that I believe have the best chance of sticking...and the only chance of delivering me from a lifetime of food addiction. No right or wrong foods, just right or wrong quantities---and that's where we have to be honest with ourselves.

Alan at Fools Fitness is a proud member of the PEWC. I was delighted to open this email from him today:

Foolsfitness is giving a thumbs up to the whole water idea in general. Fools Fitness even got the picture to prove it!!! We try to drink some daily… We even shower with the stuff ! A great story that came with this shot (see picture below), is immediately after a friend took the picture it started to sprinkle, then it started raining harder and harder. My impulse was to get back to the car, not that I cared much about being wet but I wanted my camera dry.

In the car I asked “Where’s the water jug?“ In my haste picking up my shoes I had forgotten the 5 gallon jug on the beach. It was down pour raining, but I shrugged to my fate and ran to get it. Look closely at that last sentence… see the word *RAN*? I had this weird epiphany half way through ,”Wait? I’m running…a distance?!” I got back to the car and gleefully giggle, “Did you see it… I *RAN*!” to the friend almost like a little kid says “Look momma! Look what I can do!” Let’s just say maybe it’s not a big deal for some folk…(and apparently not that person from that look of “so what?“ I got back) But if you can not remember the last time that you really sprinted, at least not vividly that feeling of flying, almost like there just be that slightest chance that you take one more step and just might float into the air… it’s like a little kid who finally takes those training wheels off their bicycle. I can run! Well, at least for a little bit…

It’s surreal… I guess I had this mental block telling myself “I don’t run” (which was very likely true for a very long time) but somehow I finally forgot to remind myself. I didn’t plan it and didn’t think about it and then it was almost like looking in as third person… hey, you know your running here, right? At Foolsfitness We are all about the water... we even swim in the stuff- Alan

Thank you Alan, very nice my friend! You win the award for the most water in your PEWC picture! Wow, a five gallon jug and a lake? You're rocking this thing like crazy! The sprinting--yes, I love it...let me clarify---I LOVE IT! When I go to the trail for a walk/jog 5K--I always do short burst of sprinting, because of that feeling Alan just described. After years of not being able to even imagine what it might feel like, it's the coolest thing to do. I'm right there with you Alan, maybe someday when we meet, we'll have a foot race. You game? ;)

I spent a bunch of time writing tonight and some other work in front of the computer. Some of my friends and family say I spend too much time writing, but seriously---what it's done for me is well worth the energy I've invested. This blog has, without a doubt, helped me change my life. It means a bunch to me. It's my record, it's my therapy, it's my escape from the prison of morbid obesity--it's my blueprint for change. A nice, comfortable evolution of good choices and a transformation that often leaves me in disbelief--and then I pinch myself, and yep---that's me and this is my life. I'm so very blessed. I give thanks everyday.

I'll be performing Monday night at the historic Poncan Theatre in downtown Ponca City. I play "Jim" in the ReAct production of "Wanda's Visit." If you're within driving distance, you're invited! I'll leave your tickets at the box office. Ok, actually it's a free performance--as we get ready for the state theater festival in Norman this coming weekend. I'm so excited that Kenz and her dad will be there in Norman for that big performance. I can't wait to post some stills from the play...And you know I will!

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


My 200 calorie omelet with mushrooms, ham, and swiss! It tasted much better than it looked!


Alan from www.foolsfitness.blogspot.com with a 5 gallon jug and standing in a lake. He's really serious about getting enough water! There's one week left in the PEWC, so email your pictures today!! Send the picture to seanboy105@hotmail.com or kenz@alltheweigh.com

Day 677 Not Exactly "Never" and Food Worries Behind--Free To Dream

Day 677

Not Exactly "Never" and Food Worries Behind--Free To Dream

Yesterday's blog was very special to me. I often times read what I've written, just to make sure I've written it in the best way possible. Effective communication is very important to me, and sorting out these thoughts, this philosophy, in a way that I can understand--has been crucial for my development along this road. I found an e-mail from Julie this morning, that made me wonder if I should have clarified a little better. Julie writes:

"...in today’s post you said you never went over the 1500 – I’m trying to read one day at a time to use your journey as my stepping stones along the way (I already have 8 pages of “Resolves” from your blog! – those mind blowing comments that hit me with YEA – THAT’S EXACTLY RIGHT!) – but can’t resist to read some of the current stuff too!"

Not exactly "never" Julie! The question from the gentleman was "Have you ever exceeded your calorie bank for days or weeks on end..." that may not be an accurate quote...but that was the question....

For days or weeks?...Never. For a day? Yes. I've written about it! ;)

I decided that Thanksgiving and Christmas were holidays where food seemed to be such a big part---that, yes---I would go over by 1000 on those days only. It had to be a planned thing for me. Had I just woke up and said---"everything out the window today," It would have had devastating psychological effects on me---and I probably wouldn't be where I am today. I decided to stick with my 1500 on my birthday and any other special day---because really, the food is awesome, but it should never be the number 1 focus---the family and friends around us, the experiences, the sites, the smells---the fellowship---that should be the focus. It was ALWAYS the food with me. I still love food, and food is still a part of celebrations, of course...But I don't make it my main focus. I gave food wayyyyy too much attention before this road.

I'm so happy for you my friend. You're the one changing your life, and that's a beautiful thing.

There have been other days when I exceeded the 1500. The Cracker Barrel meltdown from February 2010 comes to mind. The deliberate excess of cheese and crackers on a very early day along this journey also comes to mind. And I'm sure there have been days where I guesstimated something at a restaurant totally wrong. I hope you understand, we don't have to be perfect. But we do need to be careful not to let the "we don't have to be perfect" thinking become an excuse or rationalization for going off the wagon completely.

Catherine had nothing less than an epiphany. She writes:

I see it now; you surrendered to food, Sean. I don't mean that you gave up and relinquished your power to it, in the conventional definition of "surrender".....no, you took a big sigh and made the decision to stop fighting against it. To accept that food was there to stay, and like any other reality, it had to be accepted and dealt with, collaboratively. If you couldn't beat it (and yourself) into submission, conquer it, then you had to find a way to co-exist with it, in a way that allowed you both to flourish. That way, you're still you, in charge of you, enjoying and living with food which is free to be whatever it is.

Absolutely Catherine!!! "That way, you're still you, in charge of you, enjoying and living with food which is free to be whatever it is." Yes, yes, YES! We've been conditioned by a million different magazine articles and books over the years to believe that there's a proper way to eat to lose weight. These are the foods you need to eat, and here's how much...And it separates our food into categories---there's the "good list" and the "bad list." Can you lose weight by eating from only the good list? Yes. But by excluding some foods, or making some forbidden, especially the ones that played a major role in the lifestyle that promoted your obesity, you're setting yourself up for a needless struggle between right and wrong, where a "slip" leaves us feeling defeated and a retreat to those "bad" foods often means the end of another weight loss attempt---because "we messed up." When I fully embraced that food was just food, and my choices where dictated by calorie values and calorie management only, that's exactly when I was really set free along this road.

Once you've let go of your preconceived notions about food and weight loss, and this new positive attitude, friendship, and peace with food is firmly in place--then you start dreaming again, envisioning a future free of obesity. And that my friend can be a very fun-positive place! I found myself in that place exactly one year ago today as I sailed across the water on a jet-ski for the very first time in my life. Here's an excerpt from Day 313--July 24th, 2009:

Doing things like this that were once nearly impossible is one of the quickest ways for me to get really emotional about how far I've come in the last 313 days. This is what it's all about. It's living my friend. Really living. You know what I mean? Feeling that jet ski lift up and skimming across the water as the wind hurried through my hair was simply amazing. I felt like I could fly. As I rode atop the surface I thought about how things have changed for me and continue to change.

It would have been so easy to never have started on September 15th of last year. I did that my entire life. You know, think about starting, even plan starting, get excited about starting and then, when the day would come (always a Monday for me), nothing but fear and giant overwhelming feelings of I can't, it's going to take too long, how am I going to do this under so much daily stress?

It certainly wasn't that I didn't want it---Oh I did...but I was so busy trying to complicate the process, I couldn't get a handle on figuring out how to really do it. I always claimed “Oh, I know how to lose weight---just eat less and exercise more.” But there's more to it than that. Until I really analyzed the psychological part of the equation, I couldn't solve the problem no matter how bad I wanted. This time is certainly like no other for me. It's the real deal my friend. The way out was found because I completely surrendered the dishonesty within, the excuses, and the rationalizations that always gave me reasons to fail. I decided to give this mission the importance level it deserves, so it wouldn't be easy to rationalize bad choices---because it's just too important. And here I am 313 days later, flying across the top of a lake, viewing a perspective reserved only for those who choose to live.

I told myself that I would sleep-in this morning. Oh yeah, I was going to sleep until I couldn't sleep anymore. 8:15am...yep...not exactly my best effort in that direction. I needed more rest, so after a couple of hours, I returned for a little more. It felt good, except I turned my neck--or slept on it weird, something. I hurt myself! My neck has been bothering me all day and night. I called a chiropractor, a good friend of mine actually, and she directed me to ice it for twenty minutes at a time--and try to sleep without a pillow, or with the thinnest pillow possible.

Stormy weather settled in tonight and that meant work at the studio. I'm on call this weekend for anchoring weather coverage, so as soon as the storms started brewing--I was out the door and on the air--hurt neck and all. I filled my water bottle twice during the coverage, and still only made it slightly past the required 64 ounces of the PEWC.

The positive effects of this water challenge have been phenomenal to me. I'm more regular than ever, I feel less "puffy," and I just carry an over-all better feeling about me. I'm finally properly hydrating my body, and I'm confident that the benefits go far beyond what I've noticed. If you're participating in the challenge, I hope you're also feeling the positive effects!

I spent some time watching a movie with Amber tonight. It was so late, and she was so understanding when I gently fell asleep in my Lazy-Boy. I couldn't help it really. When the movie finished, she encouraged me to retreat to the bedroom--and I did, after going another round with an ice pack on this blasted neck. But really---considering the physical condition of my former 505 pound self---this neck thing is nothing. It will pass quickly. It's all good...ouch! seriously...everything is wonderful! ;)

Don't forget! If you're anywhere close to Ponca City, Oklahoma on Monday evening the 26th, you're invited for a free evening of live theater at The Poncan Theatre. Doors open at 7pm, with "Wanda's Visit" starting at 7:30pm, followed by the Pulitzer Prize winning "Proof." These are both festival pieces we're taking to the state competition next weekend. I play the male lead in "Wanda's Visit." It would be very cool to see you there!

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


One of my biggest before shots...probably in excess of 505, who knows?


Another recent tuxedo picture.


The most recent jet-ski video! I'm feeling all of those same emotions from a year ago. No words needed, just flight.

Day 676 Thirteen Pounds To Goal and An Email Exchange With A Friend

Day 676

Thirteen Pounds To Goal and An Email Exchange With A Friend

I absolutely let yesterday's schedule throw me off a little. I should never be so busy/exhausted that I miss my bi-weekly weigh-in. But I did, and really--it's not that big of a deal, so I'll refrain from beating myself up. I made my way into the doctors office today, fully expecting four or five pounds lost. I know that might seem like a little too much, but honestly, I feel it in the way my clothing fits. The pants I started wearing for the play "Wanda's Visit" have been replaced with some a little more snug fitting. I can tell you exactly where the last chunk of weight came from, not only because of my clothes, but I can actually see the difference in the size of my hips.

I walked into the doctors office and was immediately greeted by one of the nurses. He remembers me from my heaviest days. He remembers very well. He smiled and told me that he runs into people all the time who mention my weight loss, and it kills him that he's not legally able to tell them more of the story, because of confidentiality laws...but he does smile big inside, knowing that he has intimate knowledge of 505 pound Sean. Boy, does he ever...I had some very embarrassing moments in this office...all from complications of my morbid obesity.

I approached the scale with confidence today. My workout schedule of late has been horrible, I've let it get that way...so that was the only worry I had. Still, I could just feel and see the loss this time, so I was confident regardless. I love it at this point! Every pound can make such a big difference. I stepped on the scale and found 243! It was good for a three pound loss, and now we're only 13 pounds to goal! It was simply amazing! Sure, I was predicting four or five, but really---I couldn't be happier right now. I can clearly see 230 on the very near horizon, it will not be long...and that weigh-in will be something very, very special.

When I reach that point, when we're super close---my weigh days will be spent traveling to Stillwater, just like in the beginning, so I can weigh on the scales where it all started. Those are the scales (at the Payne County Health Department) where I always started on the countless weight loss attempts in my past. I imagine it will be a weigh-in filled with a range of emotions. I get excited just writing about it---so excited!

I treated myself to a 150 calorie serving of guacamole and chips this afternoon, after a most unusual lunch. I've never been big on frozen meals, never---and I can count on one hand how many I've consumed in the last 676 days. But today I tried something from the Weight Watchers line of "Smart Ones." The Shrimp Marinara checks in at 190 calories (3 points for WW members) and it looked so wonderfully delicious. Although I've always concerned myself exclusively with calories, I can't help but note the sodium in a frozen entree. This selection has 650mg, or 27% of the recommended daily allowance. I don't even know if that's good or bad. All I know is, the calories rock...and so did the dish! Wow, I honestly enjoyed this frozen meal. I prepared it in the oven instead of the microwave, because I think it makes it better---and I was impressed totally. At 190 calories, this absolutely qualifies as a "good calorie value." See the picture below...of course I emptied the tray into a nice bowl, in an effort to forget that I was eating a frozen meal. I have zero complaints--it was good. I probably will not make it a habit, but in a pinch--I could totally rock one of those from time to time.

I had an interesting e-mail exchange with a regular reader and someone I absolutely consider a friend. After receiving my weigh day mass e-mail, he replied with this:

If you can ever get around to responding to this one, I do have a question (you can include it to all of us in post, if it's easier). I am still focused on the long term goal and still show progress on a monthly basis. But you seem to show progress almost daily or at least weekly. Did you ever have times when you went for days or a week or two by going off your calorie bank? Again, congrats my friend.

I did reply to his e-mail with this:

Never. It's too important to just "go off." That's the pattern that kept me losing and gaining it all back for so many years. This time HAD TO BE DIFFERENT.
We have to evaluate our importance level along this road. It must be serious, life or death stuff---or else it's too easy to just "go off." The attitude of "Oh well---I'll do better tomorrow, or next week, or soon" is exactly the kind of excuses and rationalizations I write so much about....they're deadly.

My advice would be to take your focus off the long term goal and focus on each day---redefining your relationship with food...fully embracing the "nothing is off limits" philosophy, because it's that philosophy I credit with many of my breakthroughs along this road. It's eliminated any feelings of deprivation, I never feel like I'm cheating, and it's taught me to handle all foods in a responsible way---because I must stay within my calorie budget. And that calorie budget is giving me the training I need to someday, take off those training wheels and eat like a normal person, with normal portions---without counting anything...Just being me---a new relationship with food---that's what it's all about. I love food, I do---and I always will...and there's nothing I can't enjoy---But it will be enjoyed in a normal way, with a normal portion---do you see what I'm saying? There is no substitute for changing our behaviors with food. If this journey is a challenge every day---a struggle, where you're trying desperately to stay within your budget--focusing on the rewards of your transformation---while suppressing or avoiding the issues you have with food...then you're not in the proper frame of mind for the long term. Sounds harsh, but really---I'm just being honest. You don't want this to be temporary, you know that.

Understand that you can eat like a normal, responsible person...and food is your friend. It is! treat it that way. Control it---don't let it have so much power over you.

Putting food in its place is very important.

I wish you nothing but the best my friend...Sean

And he replied to that with this:

Thanks, Sean. I appreciate your honesty and wisdom, gained from your successes and hard work. I'll consider it carefully going forward.

I think what I have felt is that time like this past week for me, should allow some exceptions without feelings of failure. My family was away, except me and my 9-year-old. After a few days of healthy eating, he wanted things like waffles and some treats. He is super skinny and I thought it was a decent compromise. I guess I still think that I have room on this journey for a few pauses or stumbles. If it really is a fatal flaw, then I need to know. Is this what you are saying? Thanks, my friend, for your response whenever your time allows.

I decided to share this exchange and make this reply a part of the blog. Here we go:

My friend, when you said "After a few days of healthy eating," it showed me that you're still separating "healthy eating," or unnatural eating habits, from "whatever eating." It's all the same my friend. You're eating. And eating while living a normal healthy life isn't always perfect, and it shouldn't be perfect. The idea that we must eat only "healthy foods" to lose weight, completely by-passes the most important element of this transformation road, and that is, learning to eat anything and everything in a very normal, responsible fashion. Waffles are awesome! I love waffles too! "Treats" are absolutely necessary--I have treats all the time. But here's the difference:

If you have convinced yourself that these foods are forbidden for successful weight loss, and then you have them--you're making yourself feel unnecessarily defeated. You're over-complicating this process. You must be a very intelligent person. I say that, because I've discovered that really intelligent people are usually the first ones to over-complicate this entire philosophy. There can't be any "bad" foods, only bad quantity choices. And that's where your "calorie value" decisions come into play. Will I occasionally enjoy a waffle?--Sure, I could...but I would evaluate the calories--with butter and syrup, and then decide if it's worth it at that moment. Perhaps I would split a waffle if I found the calories a little too high.

I'm just saying--In my opinion, you mustn't separate "healthy eating" from "whatever eating," it's all just eating, period. As far as breaking the "Calorie Bank and Trust," I wanted consistent positive results, and that's exactly what I've enjoyed---and maintaining the integrity of my "Calorie Bank and Trust" is a huge part of that. When we start making the excuses and rationalizations that make us feel better about robbing that bank, that's the beginning of the end. That's when we start getting super inconsistent, that's when we gain weight back. At least it always was for me.

You understand, I hope, that my advice comes from years and years of trial and error. I've analyzed my past failures to determine the how and why they went wrong. And it always comes back to self-honesty. Because ultimately--that's what keeps us on the straight and narrow. When we start making excuses for ourselves and rationalizing bad choices---that's when we start telling ourselves the lies that keep us fat. We're the ones in charge of our choices, we're responsible, we have to decide our importance level.

Are we ready to really lose the weight once and for all---and this time make it forever? If the answer is yes, then stop complicating the process. Keep it incredibly simple. If your goal is to be a super healthy eater, great---you'll get there with a natural evolution of good choices. But remember--it must be natural, not forced. And what's natural is different for each of us. That's what I meant when I said "I eat what I like and nothing I don't." And even with that attitude--my choices have naturally and dramatically improved over the last 676 days---and now look where we are...thirteen pounds from goal.

How can this not be a constant struggle? Because we embrace a confidence that there isn't a food we can't enjoy at one time or another. We don't have to feel a sense of loss because "we can never eat that again," because we can and will eat that again. We can drop the resentment toward this process, that feeling of it all being unfair because we have to "watch it" constantly. We're learning how to handle food responsibly, and for me--it's the first time in my life. I'm eating like a normal person and not like an out of control 500 pound food addict. It's a new attitude toward food. It's a friendship, a peace with food that I've never known before now. It's a confident patience...and it all makes sense, unless you decide to over-complicate. Then it must be more difficult. And it can be, complicated or struggle free, either way--your choice.

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


My incredible guacamole snack. I picked up the guacamole from a local Mexican restaurant.


190 calories...and very good! The Weight Watchers Smart Ones Shrimp Marinara


Huge before picture, on the streets of Guthrie for the centennial celebration--November 2007


Big difference.