Day 1,209 A Dream Come True and A New Year Message

Day 1,209

A Dream Come True and A New Year Message

Well, lookee what we have here. The end of another year and the beginning of what will surely be another spectacular twelve months. What I experienced last night was a dream come true, and I'm so happy it happened in 2011, such a breakthrough year for me.

Last evening from 4-8pm, I sat at a table inside a bookstore while a steady stream of wonderful people flowed through to have me sign their copy of my book. The night was filled with emotions and somehow, I made it through without melting down into a puddle of joyful tears.

And it wasn't just joyful tears, also--compassionate emotions for the people described in the stories of loved ones who were there, buying my book as a gift to someone special, hoping that person might be inspired--praying their loved one might find themselves in my story, and through my experiences and eventual triumph, maybe--just maybe, their perspective might be shifted just enough, just enough, so they might find their own "click" within. Because it isn't found in my book. It's always from deep within each of us.

And hearing the stories and seeing the pain and fear in the eyes of these wonderful people wasn't the end. I had to then, process what I just heard, and write a personal message inside the book for that person. Several times, my bottom lip was quivering with emotion as I penned the message. Once or twice, I could feel my eyes growing moist with fluid emotion. I was there in the middle of my 500 pound self-imposed misery, I get it. I've felt exactly like what they're describing to me about the ones they love. And now, it's the greatest honor for me, to be asked to write them something personal, in hopes it will make a positive impression.

The truth is, it might. The truth also says, it might not make a shred of difference. And it's this element, this undeniable truth that will always bring out the most emotion in me. As people who generally love and appreciate those closest to us, we want them to "get it," and shoot, if we could, we would just do it for them. At my heaviest, I really wanted someone to do it for me too. But as I've learned, it can never come from anyone, any product or book, any magazine article or blog post, or anything other than from what you see in the mirror.

The only way for me to write my book and make the impact I was hoping to make, was to simply tell the story from the beginning and let each reader take from it what they will. And it's sometimes common, the reactions I'm hearing, and sometimes unique perspectives were gained. It all depends on where the reader is along their own road.

It might just be enough to shift their perspective, giving them a brand new way to look at what this journey is all about. There's peace, joy, reclamation, redemption, and many other wonderful elements. And, there's some not so wonderful elements. I'm sure you already know, change isn't exclusively unicorns and rainbows.

It can be painful looking in the mirror and realizing you're looking at the one person who can be your biggest enemy or your greatest ally. And once you start digging into your own experience, you suddenly see things you didn't before, and it can be emotionally overwhelming.

Now, nothing can stop you from achieving your dreams and goals. You've decided. Iron-Clad decision--CHECK Steel Curtain Zone--CHECK Calorie Budget--CHECK Simple exercise plan: CHECK.

My hope is, everyone who reads my book will see some of themselves and their experiences, and they'll recognize--acknowledge the power they have within. Because we all have it inside. The only difference is, some acknowledge and use the power they have to choose positive change and some find themselves buried in their condition and circumstance so much, they can't see it...like, it's covered up on top of a messy table. But it's there, underneath, always. And some of us have to dig a little deeper and go a little further down the road to find it, but we will find it if we want. And once you realize this power you possess, to choose change before change chooses you, suddenly weight loss will be one of the many things on a very long list of good things for you, made better, because you chose it for yourself.

Have a happy New Year, my friends. Thank you for reading this blog and thank you for buying my book! Your support is such a major blessing to me.

My New Years Resolution thought is a very simple one:

I never kept my New Years Resolutions in the past because I was fully expecting to go to sleep on New Years Eve and wake up on January 1st a completely opposite version of what I was. The struggle to maintain this different version of me would last for different lengths of time each year and it would eventually crash and burn, like I knew it would, but still hoped it wouldn't. Why did I think it was a good idea to magically change a lifetime of bad habits overnight, simply because the calendar changed to a new year?

Because that's what I always did.

But now I know. Now I know, these changes must be a gradual evolution of good choices, where limits are maintained, yet my focus and attention are strongest on the person in the mirror. And it doesn't wait until the calendar switches, or next Monday, or until after the holidays, or after the big party, or "someday," or after anything other than now.

It starts now, this second. It's not scary. It's living--finally living free from the self-imposed misery I called home for so long. A simplified, consistent approach to change...nothing complicated and nothing crazy. Real, honest, change.

Happy New Year and,

Good Choices,
Sean


In promotion of the book signing, I scored an interview with some radio guy named "Sean In The Morning," and it was a blast, although he really was irritating me. This fun little concept was born in the brain of Team Radio owner Bill Coleman and fine tuned by Dave May and Me. I post it here for your listening pleasure.


My name in lights! What an awesome thing to see. Thank you Brace Books and More! Sorry to have driven by 173 times. I wasn't being strange, I promise. Okay, maybe a little...and perhaps it wasn't that many times, more like 16. That's still too many, huh?


I was happily surprised by the appearance of my mom, grandma, Aunt Kelli, and Uncle Keith!!! I didn't know they were coming to the signing, I swear...but I should have realized, the chance of them missing it was about the same as me missing it. Zero percent. Kelli took some wonderful photos! Cathy Cole did too--and I'll be getting those back from her very soon! Great shots, thank you both, Kelli and Cathy, for your photo talents!


With Mom and Amber


My daughters--so precious---wow. So happy they could both be with me for this monumental moment!


My girlfriend Kelly and Me. We absolutely dig one another. ;)


A wonderful woman buys a copy--me signing hers. Thank you, my friend!


Grandma and me. Grandma, my dear sweet grandmother--It's another dream come true having you with me at this event--I love you!


With Kelli Dee, or as I called her when I was a toddler, "Kelgee." She may be my mom's sister, my aunt, but we were very much raised like siblings.


Kelly and my girls by my side on this big night!

You can order the book from any bookseller (if they don't have it in stock), or Amazon.com, or directly from my website www.transformationroad.com and Brace Books and More still has signed copies available from their site or store: www.bracebooks.com

If you haven't sent me a friend request on facebook, please do! My personal FB page is:
www.facebook.com/seananderson505

My facebook page for the book is:
www.facebook.com/transformationroad

More exciting events are coming in 2012--Including a book tour (dates will be announced), more speaking events and book signings at YMCA's and other locations, and some exciting updates from my website---as we transform www.transformationroad.com into a must bookmark internet destination!

It's going to be a long and busy day

Just had breakfast of an egg, thin slice of Canadian bacon and English muffin. It as a frozen store brand, Fred Myers here, but probably Kroegers in the rest of the world. It was a "Lite" version at 220 calories. Not sure of Points since not in Weight Watcher scan app, and I'm too rushed (or lazy) to put in the PointsPlus app. Love these app. Sort of tasty, fast breakfast.

Great visit with my sister last night. She couldn't stop crying when she saw me. I told her I sure hoped they were tears of happiness and not sadness. She laughed.

Husband is here and we're heading out to see my sister this morning, then appointments and then the house (the dreaded house and mass of paperwork).

No internet until I get home on Sunday morning.

Happy New Year!

Fairbanks, Alaska...hell has frozen over

I'm in the hotel dining room and just had a quick dinner of a salad and a hamburger patty. I took off the bun, and just ate the patty with the lettuce and tomatoes. I said no fries and a salad instead, they still  brought the fries and the salad. They're the skinny, seasoned fries and look really salty. I didn't eat any, didn't really even want them. I honestly can't remember the last time I ate beef. Actually, it tasted pretty good.

About Fairbanks, the most God-forsaken place I've ever been when it's thirty-three degrees below zero. I can't believe I lived in the interior Alaska for thirty years before I left here. I forgot how miserable it is when it's this cold. It literally hurts.

It was pitch dark when I got here at 3:30pm, and so cold I thought I had frostbite by the time I got the car scraped off (covered in ice and snow). It has awesome heated seats...a new requirement for any future Fairbanks rental cars in the winter.

I had a bit of an anxiety attack on the plane. Actually, I had it at work before I left for the airport and it just continued on the plane. A sort of mental breakdown after reading an email from my brother (who I thought liked me). He said I was too hard on my crazy niece, and our sister would want me to be kind to her and help her. I couldn't stop crying. This same thing happened to me after I think my third trip up here. Where the tears wouldn't stop and my heart ached with pain.

Honestly, I'm out of kindness, forgiveness and love when it comes to my niece. She's attacked me for the last time, and I will not fall for the false sweetness which turns to mean, hateful and very hurtful behavior.

I saw a quote in the Oprah January magazine that I left up in the room. Basically, it was about running away from toxic people. I get that. My niece is toxic. If I was to put a label on her, I would guess it's bipolar. I'm not sure, but there's definitely something wrong with her.

My husband is flying in later tonight. Thanks to Sarah's comment, we'll be having a bonfire of paperwork outside at my sister's house. She doesn't have a fireplace, but she has a 123 acres of land, no neighbors and the house sits on a river. Lots of snow too. Of course, not sure how I'll be able to handle the -40 temperature since her place is always ten degrees colder than in town.

Thanks you guys for all your kind comments. Your support and kindness continues to amaze me.

I'm off to see my sister. I hope I don't cry when I see her. It's just so sad, but it's life and I have to make the best of it.

Really? Fairbanks again?!

I swear I have the most dysfunctional, crazy, weird family in the world, and I don't mean that in a good way.

After weeks of listening to the whining and complaining about cleaning out their mother's house, one of my nieces (the most crazy of the crazy) called me yesterday (the first time since she changed all her phone numbers a month ago). She demanded to be paid for her time for helping her mother by cleaning out her mother's house, as well as for her gas for driving the six miles to the house.

Oh.My.God. Are you serious?  Yes, she was serious and NO-FREAKING-WAY will she get paid. I don't get paid and darn it...you don't get paid. May I remind you, this is for your mother! I'm just totally flabbergasted over this latest event. Who are these people?! Their mother, my sister, practically dedicated her life to them and this is how they repay her?

After contacting my attorney, I decided to fly up to Fairbanks tomorrow night. Friday morning I'm having all the locks changed on my sister's house. Then I'm meeting with an auctioneer at the house to discuss how to go about auctioning off all my sister's personal belongings and household items, then to the realtor to sign the listing agreement. My brother will visit the house once a week to make sure it's okay.

The children...they are DONE. I don't want to hearing about it anymore. They seem to take joy in telling me what a mess it is and how they're mother had a shopping problem and how hard they're working. I've had enough. Keep in mind these aren't young people, they're between the ages of 46 to 49 and neither of my nieces even have jobs.

Here's the forecast for Fairbanks, and where my sister's house is located twenty-three miles out of Fairbanks it's always ten degrees colder. That would make it a low of -46 degrees. Yuk.


I'm probably going to stay at my sister's house, which is going to be very weird. No internet, TV, or phone (and my cell phone barely works out there), I had it all turned off to save money. The main reason I'm staying there is I'm on a shredding mission while I'm there, to shred as much paperwork as possible in a day and a half. My sister doesn't own a shredder. That alone should tell you something.


The diet and exercise
Still at it, gym every day as usual. I didn't track my food today, but I don't think I ate enough because my family situation was stressing me out. The worst thing about going to Fairbanks is that I'll miss my Saturday Weight Watcher meeting. Very frustrating.

The good thing about this trip, I get to see my sister, even if it is for a short time. I really miss her.

Giving Weight Watchers a chance

I went to my Weight Watchers meeting on Saturday. I adore, love, admire, respect and practically worship my Weight Watcher leader. Every time I go to one of her meetings I learn something new, and in the process, I get entertained because she's really funny (and smart and sweet). I'm very fortunate to have such a wonderful Weight Watcher leader.

A little history about me and Weight Watchers. I joined in February 2008. I'd joined before, a few times over the years, but I never stuck with it for more than a week. This time, I was on fire. My first blog post was May 13, 2008 (in my "Old Diana's Journey"...long story on what happened and why I had to create a new one). I followed Weight Watchers to the letter. I did exactly what they said to do and guess what? It worked!

It's weird to go back and look at those old posts. I kept writing posts, almost every day, putting my heart and soul into each post. Back then, no one read my blog and no one ever commented. It's pretty funny to go back almost four years ago and read how I was struggling and working so hard when I started out. No one ever commented for several months, and I didn't care. I was dead set on losing weight and keeping a record of it.

I really believed in Weight Watchers, even though I stumbled and fell many times. Gained back a few pounds, lost a few, gained a lot, lost a lot. Back and forth over the years. This year has been particularly difficult. I even completely quit Weight Watchers last August. I decided the BodyMedia was the way to go.

I've missed the meetings and the support. I've really missed my leader. I've missed the accountability. So why did I quit? This is so stupid that I hate to even write it. I didn't like the zero-Point fruit. Pretty silly in hindsight. I wonder if I'd followed the program faithfully and eaten the free fruit without worrying about it, where would I be right now? Probably at goal.

Instead, I made a big stinking deal about the fruit. "Oh my gosh! I can't eat all the fruit I want! I'll gain weight!" That is my lame excuse for wasting an entire year.

So I'm back. Back on plan, back to following the Healthy Eating Guidelines. Back to loving my meetings and my leader. Back to following Weight Watchers as perfectly as life will allow. Back to being on fire.

My weigh in wasn't great, but it could have been much worse. In the four weeks since my last meeting I lost one pound. Saturday's weighin:  183.4. No excuses because really, I don't have any worth talking about.

One other really important, at least for me, is blogging. I feel like I've been so wrapped up in my sister's mess, that I forgot about me. I forgot about my life and what I like and what I want to do. I love blogging and reading other blogs. It's fun and something I've enjoyed for almost four years. I don't want to quit and go off and drown myself in my sister's troubles. That's her life, not mine. It's horrible and sad and I wish to God I could change her situation, but I can't. I can only live my life the best I can, and enjoy whatever pleasure and happiness I can find in it.

In other words, I'm really back.

Merry Christmas

Instead of crying myself to sleep last night, I went on a house cleaning rampage. From 8:30 p.m. (when my went to bed) until 4:40 a.m. I cleaned house like I was on speed. I even had a cup of coffee at 10 p.m. to keep me going, and it worked.

The house is spotless, at least the kitchen, dining and living room. Cleaning isn't something I enjoy, but it's a mindless task that kept my hands busy (no night-time eating).

After three hours of sleep, I got up and we put up the tree. We can't find the angel for the top. She's missing. I need to go out to the store anyway to get a few gifts for my husband, so I'll pick up another tree-topper angel. I'm sure the old one is packed away in the garbage somewhere, but I can't find it.

I thought about my sister when I finally crawled into bed. It's truly a sad situation, but there's nothing I can do to make it better. Just make sure she's in a warm, safe environment with good medical care.

A few people mentioned maybe I should see about moving her down here to live near me. I really thought about that while I was in Fairbanks the week after Thanksgiving. I was ready to do it. Then I watched my sister's interaction with her youngest daughter (she's 46). When this niece would walk into the room, my sister would light up with the biggest smile. When my niece bent over to kiss my sister, my sister took her good hand and reached up and touched my niece's cheek and stroked her hair. The particular niece has always had a very close bond with my sister. She visits my sister every day and gives me updates. The other niece (the crazy one) that lives in the same town has only been to see her mother once in five weeks.

Because of the love between my sister and my one niece (the sweet one), I can't break them apart. Even though it would make me feel better to have my sister near me, it would break my sister's heart, as well as my niece. I decided moving her to Seattle wasn't an option I was going to pursue.

I did talk to my sister's doctor a couple weeks ago about taking an anti-depressant and she agreed it would be a good idea. She's been on one for almost a week now, and the non-stop crying has stopped, but she's still not cooperative in her therapy.

About the diet and exercise
Yes, this is still a weight loss blog, even though my sister's situation has consume me lately. The eating has been pretty good. No junk food except a handmade candy cane three days ago (and it was awesome). I started tracking my food about three days ago, using the BodyMedia website and phone app.

My exercise has been really good this week, with the gym every day for the last seven days, plus 55-minute power walks at lunch on two days. Did I mention I have a new gym? L.A. Fitness and I love it! They bought out Bally Fitness (my old gym) and closed the one near my home. The L.A. Fitness I go to now is actually closer and about a hundred times nicer than Bally Fitness. Plus they have THREE really nice, always in working order StairMasters. Love it.

The only thing I don't love  about L.A. Fitness is the free weight area. There's only one and it's too small with only about seven weight benches. Bally had three free weight areas and about fifteen benches. It's always packed with guys lifting super heavy weights. Really though, I appreciate it's new and clean, with nicer equipment.

I'm still going to Weight Watchers and need to get going for the 11:15 a.m. meeting, then the gym before they close at 2 p.m. today. I love the new Weight Watcher scanner app for my phone (see T.J.s post about it here). It's the coolest thing ever. Although I'm not tracking Points this week, doing calories with BodyMedia. Maybe next week I'll try Points again just so I can use the scanner.

Take care and everyone have a Merry Christmas!

Trying to find the spirit of Christmas

I'm not in a very festive mood this Christmas. After a lot of debate about whether we should go to Fairbanks, we decided against it. The trip would be rushed since I have to be back at work on Tuesday. We chose Christmas at home.

Home...were there isn't a single Christmas decoration or wrapped gift. I haven't sent a single Christmas card this year or purchased a single gift. I'm just not feeling it. My husband is following my lead. I guess my dark mood is contagious.

My husband has asked me numerous times what I want for Christmas. I keep telling him nothing because it's the truth. There's nothing I want this year. No cool new gadget, no new clothes, no jewelry, nothing. There's nothing that can make me happy.

I know Christmas is more than decorations and gifts, and that's where I'm really feeling sad. My faith is shaken. I can't find any explanation why such a dreadful, horrible thing has happened to my wonderful sister. None of it makes any sense.

The status of my sister isn't good. She's very healthy and eating well. The prognosis is that she will live for many more years. That sounds good, but it's not. She won't participate in any physical, occupational or speech therapy. She refuses to cooperate with the therapists. In fact, she gets angry, screaming gibberish at them and pointing to the door of her room, wanting them to leave.

She refuses to even get out of bed and into a wheelchair. True, it's quite an ordeal for her since she's completely paralyzed on the right side it takes two people to assist her into the chair. I just don't understand how she can just lay in bed 24/7.

Last week she demanded all the family pictures be removed from her walls. She kept pointing to the wall and the door and finally my niece realized she was pointing to the pictures and wanted them out of her room. Now her walls are bare.

I didn't mean for this post to be about my sister, but she's always on my mind. I worry about her. I feel bad I'm not there, cheering her on. I know she's lonely and bored. She doesn't even enjoy watching TV. Our brother bought her an iPad and she refused to even touch it. He bought her a Nook and she wouldn't even look at it. She use to love her computer and loved to read. The words don't make any sense to her and she doesn't even seem to understand the concept of the computer.

I guess not being in a happy, festive mood is normal. I'm still shell-shocked over losing my sister. Basically, that's what happened. She's gone. I can't call her and talk for three hours, finding out we bought the exact same item or did something exactly the same that week. We had a lot of strange coincidences where we did the exactly same thing or had exactly the same thought. I'll never forget when she picked me up at the airport one summer and we were wearing the exact same designer sunglasses, with the same rhinestone pattern. I remember laughing hysterically when we'd talk on the phone for hours. I really miss her.

Tomorrow perhaps I'll write a more cheerful post. Maybe we'll put up the tree, buy a few presents. Maybe I'll write about my plans to lose twenty pounds by the time of the Big Climb on March 25. Or about my Weight Watcher meeting I'm attending tomorrow morning. For now, I think I'll just go cry myself to sleep.

Day 1,201 The Way We Were and What's Changed: Christmas Weekend Eve

Day 1,201

The Way We Were and What's Changed: Christmas Weekend Eve

Holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas were always days where my abusive relationship with food faded from obvious and into "normal," or "accepted" behavior. Like a free pass to come out of the corner and just be me, in the name of whatever special date was on the calendar. I didn't have to hide my excess on these special dates because it was/is the norm in our society, and that's why I loved these red letter dates so much. My life revolved around food, so a day where everyone accepted this culinary "celebration" of sorts, was delightful to me. I could just be me--Eating, drinking, and being merry--and then, eating some more, and some more, and...wow, "Sean sure loves those cookies!" Yes, yes I do...and eating a half dozen at a time wasn't anything to hide on this day, because it's what we do. We're celebrating. Pass the pie, please.

I lived for days like this. Pecan pie with whipped cream for breakfast, why not? And the snacks, oh my goodness, the snacks were everywhere! And let's go get more! Can someone say "Cheese ball!!!" Say it with me, "cheeeeeese ball!!!" The port wine or sharp...just get both, and an extra just in case. Give me a sleeve of crackers, a knife, and a cheese ball and watch me delicately spread the joy all over the Ritz...This was living. Egg nog!!! Did we forget the egg nog?? I don't want to hear how insanely ridiculous the calorie count of egg nog is--I can taste every glorious calorie in this thick holiday concoction--ooh, and nutmeg...wow, that's amazingly delicious.

It was normal for me to fantasize about what and how much I would consume. I was planning. My day was: Eat, eat, nap, eat, eat, eat, watch TV, nap, eat some more and pile it high...and hey, who wants this last piece of pecan pie? Too late, it's on my plate now.

I was loaded with holiday cheer, sporting a big smile as I would dollop a giant mound of Cool Whip on my third piece. Okay, my fourth...but seriously, who's counting today? You know what I want? Gravy!!!! Give me a bowl of potatoes and gravy, I'll sip it like a fine wine---wow, love it!!!

In the blur of my accepted, "normal" holiday feasting...I rarely noticed or cared about anything else. Visiting with family and friends...sure, as long as it includes more food! Hey...Uh, You think mom has some more of her prescription Zantac? I hope so! We should pass it around the table--better, let's put out a little Zantac bowl next to the stuffing. Hey--we don't want to feel any pain today--Thank you Zantac 150, we love you!

On the eve of my fourth Christmas after choosing change, I have to ask...What's changed?

What hasn't? I guess I should be more specific.

Q: Will I still enjoy my favorite holiday foods?
A: Yes. But I will, in reasonable portions at appropriate times.

Q: Will I pay more attention to the people or my plate?
A: The people I love. The food on my plate will be good and enough. But I can never get enough of the people I love and cherish. I want to know how they feel, what they're doing these days, what excites them, what troubles them---how do they feel about the changes in their life. These are the important conversations, far greater than, "Who wants to do Redi-Whip shots??" And "Anyone gonna take the leftover gravy? because seriously, that's some heavenly gravy don't ya think? Heck yeah it is...wow, and on those homemade mashed..."

Q: Will I exercise?
A: You know, it's funny. Had you asked that question five years ago or prior, you would have received a puzzled look followed by laughter, followed by a joke or two about how..."the only exercise I'm getting is from walking back and forth to the buffet line!" Now--It's a crucial element of a day like Christmas. A walk. A very simple walk. Something, anything will help aid digestion and make me feel incredible...and if I can recruit other family members to join me---well, that's awesome!!! This Christmas--The Anderson Family Holiday 5K at Boomer Lake in Stillwater is on!!! I wouldn't dream of missing it. Like a tradition---eating, napping, football, and a 5K...

So what's changed?

The focus. The perspective has shifted to the most important joys of the season. I'll still enjoy the tastes I love in a reasonable and portioned way--But above all else, I'll enjoy the people I love in a most wonderful and joyful way. Wow...I can't believe I was missing the most joyful part of past holidays. I didn't know what I was missing, I guess. Family, friends, love, and laughter...Yeah, I'll take three extra helpings, please.

Merry Christmas and,
Good Choices,
Sean

I recently released a couple of videos from the Sikeston, Missouri YMCA speaking event---If you didn't have a chance to watch them on my facebook page--here they are:





My book "Transformation Road" will start shipping on the 30th! I'm thrilled to finally have the book in hand. Well--I'll actually experience that on Wednesday the 28th--having it physically in my hand. I might need tissues...It's been a long time coming, my friend.

Signed first edition copies are available from me directly on my site:
www.transformationroad.com

My first big book signing is scheduled for December 30th from 4-8pm at Brace Books and More in Ponca City, Oklahoma! Very cool!!!

If you haven't sent me a friend request on facebook yet--please do! We have lively discussions nearly everyday concerning various dynamics along this road many of us travel. You can find me here: www.facebook.com/seananderson505

And the special facebook page exclusively for the book is: www.facebook.com/transformationroad

By the way---I just went "live" on Amazon.com!! Yes--very cool---I think I'm officially an author now---because my book is setting in the top 100,000!! Nice start, very nice!
http://www.amazon.com/dp/193782912X/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_dp_FlY8ob1PFVQ5V

Amazon has it listed as "in stock," so theoretically, you might be able to hold it in your hands before I get the chance.

What you should know if you have a stroke

Please note:  if you don't want this entire post, I beg of you, scroll to the bottom and read the part about stroke symptoms. It's extremely important. Paste it into an email and send it to everyone you know and love.

Where has the time gone? I haven't posted for four weeks. Have I really been that busy? 

I have been busy with trying to keep my sister's medical and financial manners in order. It's not an easy task and not one I would wish on my worst enemy. Lesson learned from this catastrophic event: DO NOT HAVE A DEBILITATING STROKE! More on this later.

I've been busy with work. I'm back at it and have a giant, scary project in front of me. Scary, as in I don't know how the hell I'm going to meet my deadline.

I've also been getting back into a daily exercise routine, which is something that was severely lacking for the last three months. Since my sister's September 21 stroke, I have not made myself a priority. My sister was number one on my radar. I fell into second place.

I read my last post and actually laughed out loud. I was really in the spirit of weight loss the day I posted that entry. Then I went to Fairbanks for a week and got caught up in the circumstances surrounding my sister. Weight loss and my health weren't important anymore.

Then I came down with the flu while in Fairbanks.  Right in the middle of my week that was jam-packed with tasks. Somehow I made it through it, after holding up in my hotel room for 24 hours, living off of NyQuil.

Then it was back to work, to a world from where I'd been missing for most of four months. Since I broke my wrist August 6 I've either been out on extended illness leave for my wrist or on PTO for my sister.

I forgot what normal felt like. It's actually kind of nice to sit in my cubicle, in front of my computer and think about something other than my sister's tragedy. Her health and how I'm going to pay her bills, and function as her guardian and conservator have consumed me for the last three months. Stepping back into my real world was nice, but a shock to my system.

The last two weeks I've been exhausted. All I want to do is sleep. I'm not sure if it's the after effects of the flu or post traumatic shock syndrome of dealing with all things related to my sister. It's probably been a combination of both.

I didn't follow Weight Watchers nor did I count calories or track my food. Not even for a single day.

The past week I made it to the gym four times, two 30-minute workouts, one hour and 20-minute workout (Thursday) and yesterday for an hour. I feel my strength and energy coming back, although my left arm is still weak. Three months in a cast has pretty much decimated most of my muscle in my left arm. I still use 15 or 20 pounds on my right arm, but only 10 or 12 pounds on my left arm. Even the lighter weights are a struggle. I guess it'll just take time.

My weight today at home is 183.4. Since I was 184.4 at Weight Watchers four weeks ago, this means I've really gained a pound or two (since I weighed with clothes and after breakfast at Weight Watchers). If you're wondering, I'm going back to Weight Watchers today.

Considering all I've gone through in the last four weeks, there will be no "beating up of Diana" today. If there's one thing I've learned from the last four months, it's don't sweat the small stuff. There's enough big shit to worry about in life without worrying about the minutia.

Two pounds will come off easily, and the other thirty or so will come off too (albeit not quite as easy). I feel back in control of my eating and exercise. I care about what happens to me. I don't want to end up like my sister, stressed out about life, with high blood pressure and having a stroke. Trust me, you really don't want to go there. It's truly a fate worse than death.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Read this! 

I took the information below from www.stroke.org. A family member that talked to my sister at 10 a.m. on the day of my sister's stroke said later that she had slurred speech that morning. Since my sister doesn't drink, this was a definite sign of a stroke. The family member is a trained CNA, and has taken numerous nursing classes. Yet she didn't recognize the slurred speech as a symptom of a stroke. She has expressed great remorse about this, but it doesn't matter now. It's too late for my sister, but maybe this will help someone else.

My sister wasn't taken to the hospital until 10 p.m. that night. Twelve hours after her first sign of having a stroke. This unfortunately sealed her fate to a life of being unable to speak, paralyzed and bedridden. If only she'd been taken to the emergency room that morning, things probably would have turned out so much better.

Please read it and remember it. The most important thing is to remember is get to an emergency room as quickly as possible. Time is critical. There's a drug they can give you that will actually stop the damage from the stroke. It's called a t-PA drip (one of the clot-busting drugs, there are others). The doctors in Fairbanks told me about it, but you have to get it within three hours of the first stroke symptom. It doesn't always work, but it gives you a fighting chance. My sister got to the hospital too late, and it's ruined her life.

Every minute-and-a-half, on average, someone in America suffers a stroke.

Warning Signs of Stroke

Learn the many warning signs of a stroke. Act FAST and CALL 9-1-1 IMMEDIATELY at any sign of a stroke.

Use FAST to remember the warning signs: 

NOTE THE TIME WHEN ANY SYMPTOMS FIRST APPEAR. If given within three hours of the first symptom, there is an FDA-approved clot-buster medication that may reduce long-term disability for the most common type of stroke. There are also two other types of stroke treatment available that might help reduce the effects of stroke. Read more about stroke treatment.
Learn as many stroke symptoms as possible so you can recognize stroke as FAST as possible. Click here to download the FAST Wallet Card to keep a reminder of stroke warning signs with you wherever you go!

Stroke symptoms include:

• SUDDEN numbness or weakness of face, arm or leg - especially on one side of the body.
• SUDDEN confusion, trouble speaking or understanding.
• SUDDEN trouble seeing in one or both eyes.
• SUDDEN trouble walking, dizziness, loss of balance or coordination.
• SUDDEN severe headache with no known cause.

Call 9-1-1 immediately if you have any of these symptoms

Day 1,183 The Truest of My Goals Revealed in Less Than 1.8 Million Minutes

Day 1,183

The Truest of My Goals Revealed in Less Than 1.8 Million Minutes

The question comes in varied forms and often: "What was the catalyst for your change?"

A very good argument could be made that this catalyst wasn't actually one event in time, but the culmination of thousands built over thirty-six years and held together by time and fear of what it meant to really, honestly, for once--truly change in a dramatic transformation. But to answer more directly, I offer the following.

I'm only able to identify the date and time of this, because its occurrence marks the only time in my life where everything was still. In that moment, I died and was reborn, if you will.
The "moment" is sandwiched between two very different versions of me. There's an entire life of food addiction/compulsive/emotional eating and resulting morbid obesity before it and a profoundly changed existence after.

Here's the moment, in an excerpt from "Transformation Road-My Trip to Over 500 Pounds and Back," scheduled for release right before Christmas:

“I'm done.” Two simple little words. That's what she said. I didn't know what she meant, I thought she was just exhausted from the day, ready for bed. I had no idea of what was about to come from her lips.

“I'm done watching you kill yourself. I love you, I do, but I can't stand by and witness your slow suicide any longer, I want a divorce.” Her words were filled with several different emotions. Anger, love, hopelessness, fear, desperation, and she was serious, I could see it in her eyes. Never before do I remember seeing such a look from her. This was serious and it didn't matter that we were a guest in someone's home that night.

I immediately tried to make her feel bad about what she was saying. “So, we get one off to college and you can't hold it together long enough for us to get the other one out of high school? How could you do this to Courtney? Can't we talk about this later, why now, why here?” And as she collapsed on the bed, crying, I knew that she had reached her limit. It didn't matter where we were or what we were doing. It was like she had no control over this release of emotion. Maybe it was her last ditch effort to snap me back into reality. Maybe she loved me enough to walk away, thinking that it might spark the changes I needed to save my own life.

It didn't take me long to realize that I was wrong in what I was saying and doing in that moment. This wasn't her fault, she couldn't help it, she had reached her emotional capacity. That's when I started to negotiate with her, begging for one more chance to turn it all around. She had heard it all before, why should she believe me now? But just as I had never witnessed that look in her eyes, she must have noticed the same difference in my frantic proposal. Because she was listening to me. This was my chance to promise her one last time. I owed it to her, my daughters, and I really owed it to myself to make a change once and for all. This was it.

I asked for a day to get my plan together and figure out how I was going to make this happen, and on Monday September 15th, 2008—I would start. “This time is going to be very different,” I pleaded. “It's got to be, buddy, it's got to be.” And with those words from her, we embraced and cried, cleansing our emotions and sending us to sleep with a relief, different for each of us. Her rest was made better because she released all of the emotions that had been building for so long and I rested because I dodged a bullet that night. But now, the real challenge would start and I didn't have any room for failure. I had to get it right. Sunday the fourteenth was spent contemplating how I was going to make this time different from every other weight loss attempt. My family depended on it, and so did my life, but obviously I was more scared of losing my family than I was my life. I know that doesn't really make sense, but it does when you really think about the mental dynamics.

Dying young was something tragic that happened to other people. I was a survivor, remember? Every time my obesity would make me fear for my life, I would cling to something that would make me feel better about it all. Oh, so it's not a heart attack, just indigestion? Or, it's out of control blood pressure, but that can be treated, right? I always found the outs, I always found the thoughts or the solutions that would let me off the hook and make me feel better about my inaction in confronting the real issues. My weight was killing me and now it was killing my family. And there wasn't anything I could do or say that would make it all better, unless it was exactly what I needed, and that meant getting to the bottom of my issues with food and once and for all, losing the weight.

Waking up on Monday September 15th, 2008, was very different. This was my day 1. As I laid there staring up at the ceiling, I thought about how this was the day. It was very different, because many times I would start by completely forgetting that I had planned to “start.” It was typical for me to realize what I was supposed to do, only after the sugar of my morning Coke hit my tongue. Another false start, because I would have already “ruined” the attempt. Oh well, maybe next time, bring on the fried cinnamon roll! Not this time. It was so powerful, on the top of my brain, it was an all consuming thought as soon as my eyes opened that morning.

I honestly felt like this was my last chance. The changes that would come if I failed were too horrible. I would lose my family as I knew it and die young. I had to grab control and choose the change. I had to keep it together and be consistent like never before. But how? How would this time be different? I honestly didn't know the answer, but I decided that it would work itself out along the way. I knew that I had to constantly remind myself to stay on track and if I could successfully keep myself from blowing it, then maybe I could finally break free. The focus wasn't on the food, it was squarely on the mental dynamics, I was walking a tight rope, where it didn't matter how I stayed balanced—as long as I didn't fall. It was the beginning of, what I would later realize and appropriately name, my “Steel Curtain Zone.”
------------------

Many things have come to pass since my last blog post. I've celebrated my three year anniversary of Day 1, my one year anniversary of maintaining my weight loss, I turned forty years young on October 23rd, enjoyed my fourth Thanksgiving holiday since choosing change, and have brought the dream of my first book to the brink of release, where a new chapter surely starts.

All of these things, each and every one, would have once earned a spot within their very own blog posting. The daily writing for over twenty-two months was exhausting at times, but in the most wonderful way possible. I was learning, from Day 1, things about myself I never before considered because I wasn't willing to step outside of my self-imposed chaos long enough to appreciate or in any way understand what was ultimately happening. And what was happening was tragic: I was slowly fading away--headed to an early death, oblivious to the power within and completely void of the tiniest shred of self-responsibility and honesty.

This self-imposed chaos isn't always a thing of the past and with that said, it's understood how easy it can be to become occupied with many things, some very important, and others not as much. But regardless of their importance level, none of these "occupants of my energy" have had even a handful of the power this little old blog has gifted me.

If you haven't, I encourage you to read the blog archives from Day 1--every day, like a super long book of sorts. In doing so, you'll have a unique perspective into my thoughts, emotions, fundamentals, and the crucial mental dynamics along the way, as they were discovered--day by day, hour by hour, and often--minute by minute. My hope is, you may find similarities in our unique, yet surprisingly similar existence. And in seeing yourself, you might discover a shift in your perspective.

This "shift in perspective" is crucial to each of us finding our own "click." Because as I've learned--the moment of clarity, the "click," must come from deep within each of us. It can't be given to us by anyone or anything, and for me, every time I foolishly thought it could exist outside of myself--I was systematically slammed back to reality--over and over, time and time again, like a violently possessed yo-yo with really sharp spikes.

It wasn't enough to just take me up and down in an endless insane emotional game, it occasionally would poke me in painful fashion. Instead of it getting my attention, I would just hold it further out from my body--keeping a safe distance between me and the truth dripping all over the floor.

One million, seven hundred and two thousand, and eighty minutes have passed since I opened my eyes on the morning of September 15th, 2008.

I will proceed with loving devotion to my dear blog and I certainly appreciate your incredible support along the way. In fact, if you're a regular reader of these writings, you're rightfully appreciated and acknowledged in the opening pages of my book, "Transformation Road." Your support has been nothing less than a precious gift and I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my much healthier heart.

--Sean A. Anderson
-------

"What are your goals?" A simple question, to be sure, but the answer given isn't always accurate.

"I want to fit into normal size clothes--wear a size 36 or smaller jeans, wear a single XL instead of a 6 or 7XL."

"I just want my health to improve, yeah--that's it, my goal is better health."

"I want to show up at the reunion and stun everyone in the room!"

"I want to lose enough to look good in a bathing suit this coming summer."

"I want to fit into and be able to buy a small economy car."

"I want to run and play with my kids/grand kids."

"I want to lose XXX pounds."

"I want to set a better example for my children, family, and friends."

"I just want to love what I see in the mirror, once and for all, finally."

"I want to be considered cute, instead of hideous--not by others, (I have no control over what others think of me or how they see me--and it is of no consequence, nor should it ever be)--but considered cute, not hideously beast-like...by me."

And every single one of these are valid and wonderful goals. But oh my--I had no idea of the power time and perspective would/could have on my truest goals. Not the goals I stated in the beginning, but the ones having developed slowly, gradually over time---right along with the rest of this transformation of mind, body, and soul. A gradual evolution of good choices. That's it, yeah--that's what I'm talking about.

My truest goals are revealed by the awesome experience and wisdom of time:

"My goal is to improve my relationship skills with all people--including and most importantly, me."

Our whole lives are built on relationships along the road of life. And often, when these relationships aren't perfect, the resulting detours end up teaching us about life as we develop good and bad habits, dependencies, and shelters from it all along the way. (and lets face it--relationships rarely are perfect, or expected to be--and shouldn't be, honestly. But there's a difference between perfect and healthy, and healthy is just fine, desired actually, in my opinion.)

"My goal is to redefine my behaviors with all food one choice at a time."

For me, understanding food wasn't the enemy after all, was a life changing epiphany. Food's only job is to nourish my body, giving me nutrients I need to live. I can still appreciate food, love food, cook food, dine out on food, bring food to an occasion, and pull up a chair to a holiday table full of traditional favorites spread across an entire room---and still exhibit reasonable and sane behaviors. I can eat a portion and appreciate the experience and the nourishment.

What I could no longer do is use and abuse food. I could no longer try to make food do something it was never supposed to do. Food wasn't responsible for fixing me or anything broken inside of me. It couldn't do it if it tried--food wasn't/isn't capable of doing these highly complicated things--it already had the complicated task of providing nutrients to every cell in my body--a task it always makes look easy...and it does, because that's what food does, it's a natural thing for food to nourish us.

And on a lessor scale, but monumental still: Food wasn't an appropriate shelter from the issues I was trying to soothe, forget, or simply avoid.

Every failed weight loss attempt of my past had a common thread: It was simply a means to an end. A temporary diversion from who I was--just long enough to satisfy the first set of goals listed above. Ignoring my truest goals--the important acknowledgements crucial to change, meant--as soon as the temporary detour ended--I would return to the old familiar and foolishly trusted--"being me road." And since my goals along the detour were simply to change my size in a pursuit of shallow expectations and not my brain---and since what we think of ourselves is really is what we become--then, I was destined to naturally return to my previous level of obesity, even bigger--every. single. time.

You can squeeze a Nerf ball all you want, but toss it back onto the toy pile and you'll watch it quickly assume its natural shape.

"My goal is to share my experiences along the way in hopes of inspiring someone like me (Just kind of like me--Not Exactly like me--because we're all one of a kind) ...to do something courageous--Choose change before change chooses them."

It doesn't matter if you have ten pounds to lose or a hundred--twenty or forty, or three or four hundred. It's all relative--Unique to you and your experiences--and the road out cannot be exactly the same for any two people, because of our unique affected life experience. But we all can find common ground and similar truth in these experiences--and I believe it's where hope can be transferred from one person's success to another person's seemingly impossible dream. Because it is possible, for every single one of us.

"My goal is to become a best friend to me instead of a deadly enemy."


"I'm my own worst enemy." I said it so much in the past, I actually accepted it as rule. That's just the way it had to be--because it's human nature, of course!!! You can't change human nature!! Although there's some truth in that last statement--When the "human nature" excuses horrible choices and behaviors--relieving me from the responsibility of change, that's when it becomes nonsense.

Day 1 didn't find me contemplating this dynamic--it was too soon. My goals were stated but not defined completely. And that's okay, because, in my experience, the only way to define our truest goals is to add the element of time and perspective.

And for me--It was about time... time to change my perspective. Thank goodness.

Thank you for reading and your support along this road. Please friend me on facebook--because I'm there nearly everyday--and we have lively discussions about the topics explored in this blog and more. You can friend me on facebook here: www.facebook.com/seananderson505

And please--Visit and "like" my facebook page for the book. If you need--you could wait until you read the book before you give me the gift of your "like." The page dedicated to the book is: www.facebook.com/transformationroad

Also--On my website www.transformationroad.com You can pre-order a first edition signed copy of "Transformation Road-My Trip to Over 500 Pounds and Back," and I'll personally ship it your way upon release!

Good Choices,
Sean


The cover for the book has a bunch of cool symbolism, some obvious, some not so much. Christina Rich-Splawn is an amazing graphic artist!!

Some pictures from the recent Sikeston, MO speaking event:

At a recent speaking even in Sikeston, MO














This headline certainly attracted some attention. The story is correct--just the headline has it off by a couple hundred pounds. ;)


Back cover author photo credit: Darryl Cox


Posing with a promotional piece of the book cover.


Pink Heals Tour came to town---and the emotional power of it all, was just incredible. If you ever have a chance to see and experience Pink Heals, please do.


My facebook status update reflected my thoughts on this before the evening started:

"Too many times, I allowed my morbid obesity to hold me back, imprisoning me into an existence where certain things couldn't be enjoyed, simply because I foolishly decided these things were not for people “like me.” I never made it to the prom, or a formal of any kind, ever. Tonight, that changes. Suddenly experiencing the richness of life and all of its precious gifts, because now I can see: I was worth it all along, but I didn't believe it until now. Putting on a tuxedo and headed to The Winter Ball at the Marland Mansion. Pinch me, wow, what a dream." The beautiful woman pictured is my date, Ms. Kelly Rains.