Day 623 A Memorial Day I'll Never Forget

Day 623

A Memorial Day I’ll Never Forget

I woke this morning feeling really good. My daughters would be joining me for a trip to Stillwater for Memorial Day, with plans including a dinner and a trip to the cemetery where many of our loved ones are laid to rest. It would start with a good breakfast and workout, writing, the trip to Stillwater, and end with my reunion with dad. The soft and sensitive emotions of the day were completely over-powered by the joy of it all. This wouldn't be an ordinary Monday.

The plan for our dinner out with family included a buffet restaurant. I successfully talked everyone out of the buffet---and then convinced the fam that a calorie friendly trip to Taco Mayo would be perfect. You see, it’s not about the food, it’s about the company, the conversation…that’s what makes this time together special, not the price or quantity of the food. We’ve always gathered for holidays (except Christmas and Thanksgiving—we cook for those days), birthdays, anniversaries, and other special occasions at a big buffet place. Not today, and seriously---I think everyone appreciated the change and enjoyed the visit…and the food, I mean really---163-calorie beef tacos are awesome!

Our visit to the cemetery to place flowers on the graves of loved ones was good. It’s so hard to believe it’s been nine years since we lost Shane and three since we lost grandpa. Time moves so quickly, doesn’t it? We also stopped by and placed flowers on Irene’s grandparents Oliver and Bertha’s headstone. I showed the girls their grandfather’s name on the War Memorial Wall—and they were fascinated. There were so many memories and emotions swirling.

I think about Shane a bunch. My little brother wanted to be just like me. He looked up to me with an admiration I’m not sure I fully deserved. Like big brother, Shane struggled with his weight---and I know, without a doubt, if Shane were here today---he’d be losing weight right along with me. He would understand and follow me in whatever I would do. I love him so much and I miss him dearly. When I think of him, I always wish I would have taken more time with him…I thought we had more time.

We left the cemetery and headed North to Ponca knowing that my dad would be waiting on our arrival. My dad. My dad. It’s been 17 years since a troubled 21-year-old visited Alabama---trying desperately to enjoy the first meeting while being tormented by the issues and anger of the past. I wasn’t ready for any kind of positive relationship at that point in my life. I’ve written about this before. So for the sake of background information---here’s an excerpt from early on this journey:

One of the important things I knew I had to accomplish along this journey was reconnecting with my father. I did late last year and it was a wonderful thing. I completely let go of the past resentments and along the way discovered the meaning of real forgiveness.

The following is an excerpt from Day 106 titled “Physical and Emotional Health-Both Important”:

Today I did something that's very important to my emotional growth. And although it may not seem like it would make a difference on this journey, it does. This journey is about getting a complete understanding of everything that has made me who I am. To be the best person I can be inside and out, I need to fill some voids that have been with me way too long. It's a very long story, and extremely personal, but I'll try to give a quick abbreviated version.

The relationship between my Mom and Dad never survived long enough to see my birth on October 23rd 1971. My father was not a part of my life ever. As a kid, my mom would show me a picture of a man in uniform that “looked like” my dad. So at 19 I decided to find him. Armed with a couple of clues and a telephone, I found him within 45 minutes alive and well in Arab, Alabama. Any resentment and hard feelings over his absence in my life completely disappeared the moment he spoke. It was the most awkward moment of my life. What do you say to your father for the first time in your life at 19? I said “Whatever you do, don't hang up!” “I'm your son.” Well, he didn't hang up and we talked for a really long time that night. We exchanged pictures and phone calls several times over the course of a few months, then we planned a meeting.

My first trip to Alabama was too much to handle. We turned around after coming within 150 miles of his house. It wasn't until a couple of years or more later that we made the trip. We spent two weeks in Alabama and met almost the entire family. It turned out I had an aunt living in Midwest City, so we also visited her family down there. It was a wonderful experience, but still I just wasn't emotionally ready to handle it in a positive way. After that trip, I completely fell out of touch, and haven't really pursued contact since.

I've never met my two half brothers, and that's something that I really want and need to do. As for a relationship with my father? I'd really like to at least talk occasionally. I don't want to someday find his obituary on the Internet, and realize I don't have another chance to know him in some way. Over the last several months my father and I have exchanged e-mails, phone calls, and he even occasionally reads this blog. I just had a wonderful thirty-minute conversation with him this afternoon. His message to me was simple. He doesn't want me to live a life of regrets, he wants me to excel, and leave no stone unturned on my journey to a wonderful life. It's amazing how wonderful our very simple relationship is now, after letting go of the past. I'm learning that my dad is a very real, very good person, and like all of us, he's struggled with good and bad choices. He understands that choosing to not be a part of my life was a mistake. It's one that he regrets deeply, but we're past that now, and with the slate wiped clean with complete and total forgiveness, we can move forward to a mutually wonderful relationship.

I never got a chance to meet Danny, my older half brother. Before we could reconnect, he died from aortic dissection, a condition caused by years of uncontrolled high blood pressure, he was 42. I've haven't met, but I've connected via telephone with my younger half brother Silas. We hope to get a chance soon to meet face to face for the first time.

The drive home tonight was good. I didn’t have too much anxiety over the reunion we were driving towards. I just wanted to hug dad, tell him I love him, and spend some good times with him this week. And that’s exactly what we did and we’ll do. Sitting across the table from him tonight, as a man, is very different from the 21-year-old kid so long ago. I felt an undeniable comfort in that we had arrived at this moment. It’s a moment where the only thing that matters is the future. And it’s a future of communications, understanding, and most importantly---unconditional love.

Courtney and Amber both had a chance to meet their grandpa tonight. Amber was only 3 years old before and Irene was pregnant with Courtney. It was a wonderful moment. The girls are fascinated by the different characteristics that are similar between all of us. The eyes, the eye brows, my ear lobes that connect instead of hang down…little similarities that are very cool to discover. The girls will be staying with their mom this week as dad and I reconnect. They'll get to spend time with us too throughout the week, they'll just be sleeping at mom's place.

I can’t wait for Thursday night—when I get my mom and dad in the same room for the first time in my life. That picture we’ll take, the three of us, will not just live on a hard drive---it will be enlarged and properly framed and proudly displayed in my home for the rest of my days.

This journey has been so much more than just a physical transformation. It’s a physical, mental, and emotional journey---one day at a time, with good choices continuously evolving and transforming everything in it’s path. Without a doubt, life changing.

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and…

Good Choices,
Sean


Born on Valentines Day 1977. He was so very special. Love you brother!


Grandpa’s name on the War Memorial Wall


Shane and Me


This is a “Lost” before picture. I’m sporting a mullet, I do believe---oh my, how embarrassing! With Shane and Mom.


With Dad just minutes after we arrived home tonight.

Day 622 Mother Nature Had Other Plans and Some Very Special Pictures

Day 622

Mother Nature Had Other Plans and Some Very Special Pictures

I slept late today, I did. I even tried to sleep longer, but my body wouldn't let me. We had a Sunday in front of us---so it was up and to the coffee pot. I would really like to cut way down on my coffee dependency, because it is a dependency---one of those things that I choose to enjoy out of pleasure, and as much as I hate to admit it...out of addiction. I'm addicted to coffee! You know how I am with my calorie budget, and yet---some days, I might spend as much as 150 to 200 calories on creaming that coffee. Usually, most of the time, less than 100 calories are allotted, but some days---oh, some need more coffee than others!

I enjoyed my coffee with a 200 calorie egg white, cheese, and veggie breakfast wrap. It was so good, so filling---and a great calorie value. I spent some time writing and then started making plans for a good workout and dinner with my daughters later. I talked with Courtney and she invited me for a pre-dinner workout with her and her boyfriend. It was set: We would meet at the trail for a good two mile walk/jog, followed by swimming in the big pool at the home of one of her friends. This was going to be a great workout day! I know that I was trying to make Sunday a rest day---but with my crazy schedule, the best plan is to make a rest day fall on a busy workday. I have no idea why I didn't think of that before.

After writing yesterday's post, my mind was in need of rest and relaxation. I took a little break, knowing that a great workout and evening was ahead. And then the storms started brewing. Oh wow, I didn't plan on that! I'm on call for severe weather coverage, so I checked the radar image, and sure enough---I had to head to the studio. I called and canceled my workout plans with Court and Brad, and headed for the studio.

These were slow moving storms. We're talking ten, fifteen miles per hour---in some parts of the storm, five miles per hour---slowly drifting toward our listening area. This is a very recreational area...tons of people are around these parts for this holiday weekend, and many have their radios tuned for coverage, just in case. We had to be on the air with the latest storm information. It was a four hour detour of my evening plans, but it's my job, so I can't complain---or feel bad about missing a great workout. This can happen.

Tomorrow we're traveling to Stillwater for Memorial Day. We'll visit with family and spend some time at the cemetery where my little brother, grandpa, Irene's grandparents Oliver and Bertha, and so many other family members are laid to rest. We'll leave flowers on the granite markers and remember them with love, before heading back into town for a Memorial day dinner.

Everyone in Stillwater is planning on going to the big buffet, The Sirloin Stockade, but I'm trying to influence them in another direction. I'm not afraid of the big hot buffet, not at all. I just have no use for it anymore. Nutritionally and economically---it doesn't make much sense to this 250 pound version of me. Now, 505 pound Sean? Oh yeah, a food addicts dream---because when you're a raging food addict, sometimes...quality doesn't matter. It's quantity over quality---and I'm pretty sure that's in this buffet's and most other buffet's mission statement. The only thing I like about the big buffet is all of the family memories we've shared while dining. I can't count the number of family get-togethers we've enjoyed at this place...it's like a tradition. Time to start some new traditions!

I found some excerpts I wanted to feature from a year ago yesterday, but saved them for today:

One of the things I've learned about losing weight is, sometimes what you perceive to be correct isn't. Some people think that in order to lose weight you have to starve yourself. It's very difficult to convince them that eating more will actually help them lose more weight. I use to think that whatever “works” was good. It depends on your definition of “works.” Most everything works. If you follow any of the “system” plans, you'll lose weight. Even fad diets work, if losing weight is the only goal, sure they can work. But until you wipe the slate clean, until you throw away all of your pre-conceived notions about losing weight and break it down, opening your mind while getting really honest and simple , until then, every weight loss success is temporary. There isn't a need for any special plans or pills. Losing weight doesn't have to cost a penny, in fact you can actually save money on the grocery bill. But this way of thinking goes completely against what many of us have been conditioned to believe our entire lives, that's why the weight loss industry is a 33 billion dollar a year business, because if it doesn't have a price tag then it mustn't work. This perception regulates that the higher the cost, the better the plan or pill. That's why some people will pay upwards of five thousand dollars to lose 30 pounds. Try telling someone that just wrote a five thousand dollar check for the “Zone” plan that they could have saved every penny of that money and lost the weight forever, instead of temporarily. Because when the pre-packaged meals stop coming everyday, then what? Have we learned anything about handling food responsibly in everyday life situations? Have we dug deep and honest enough to really address our bad behaviors with food? Or have we just followed the directions and opened packages to another attempt yielding temporary results? There's a reason why so many people have lost and gained over and over in pure yo-yo fashion. They were only focused on changing the scale and not their mind.

You might think, huh, pretty bold words for someone that hasn't even reached his ultimate goal. If you feel that way, then go back and read this daily blog from the beginning, every single post in the archives, then come back here and see what you think. When I say “another 6 pounds gone forever,” I mean forever! It doesn't hurt my feelings to have doubters, I realize that some people might secretly believe that I'll eventually trip into a giant vat of ice cream and it will all be over. The saddest thing isn't that some people are just naturally cynical, no, the saddest thing is that sometimes the most cynical are the ones you hope will understand this simple and honest approach the best.

Oh my---most of the weight loss industry isn't going to like me someday. I can't help but to be vocal about the understanding and clarity I've gained along this road. There are only a few organizations, people, or companies in the industry that impress me: Weight Watchers, Richard Simmons, and TOPS. Maybe I haven't met them all, so there could possibly be others---but I know those three are the real deal, absolutely. I don't use Weight Watchers, I rarely use Richard's DVD's, and I haven't attended a TOPS meeting since I was 12 years old...but I have tremendous respect and admiration for all three and what they do for people.

Speaking of tremendous respect and admiration---I've posted below some very special pictures in honor of this special weekend of remembrance. I'm a proud son and grandson to veterans of World War 2 and Vietnam. Both of my grandpas--on each side, served in WW2, and my Dad in Vietnam. Their bravery in battle amazes me and fills me with the utmost respect and pride.

My little brother Shane passed away at 24. I remember some wonderful times with Shane---and I sincerely wish I could have had more time with him. I've included a picture of him and mom below.

Today was good on several different levels. Tomorrow will be even better. My dad called and informed me that he'll be here earlier than expected, arriving around 6pm Memorial Day evening. He's staying a week with me and I'm so excited for this time together! Get ready for some amazing pictures. I've never had my mom and dad in the same room together, ever---and it's going to happen. I can't wait!!

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


My grandpa, mom's dad---World War 2


Grandpa enjoying some free time with his shipmates during the war. I love this picture! Grandpa is the one on the right, closest to the camera.


My dad in Vietnam. He served two tours of duty, the second---in an effort to keep his younger brother safe at home in the States. That's amazing brotherly love.


One of my most prized possessions. My dad's Vietnam Veteran hat with the pins and patches that were attached to his uniform in battle.


Here are some random pictures of dad all on one scanned sheet. The bottom picture is Irene, a three year old Amber, and me---above 500 pounds---visiting Dad in my early twenties. It was the last time I saw him. And that's about to change---he'll be here by 6pm tomorrow for a visit! Can you tell I'm excited?


My little brother Shane and Mom. We lost Shane in 2001 at the age of 24. I miss him horribly and love him always.

Weekend musings

Who's counting Points?!

Yes! That would be ME! After two mediocre weigh-ins in a row, I decided it's seriously time to get my game on. Yesterday's weigh-in was a paltry 0.4 pound loss. I can do better than that!

Not counting my Points for two weeks resulted in a total loss of 1.2 pounds. I weigh 163.6. I've been up and down a few pounds from this for years!

Well, actually my four months of traveling last fall had me with a gain of 25 pounds, and I was up to 180.4 January 9, 2010, so in five months I've lost 17 pounds. I'm happy about that, but still, I really should be at goal. 

Exactly one year ago on May 31, 2009 I weighed in at 155.2. I honestly don't know what I've been doing the past year. Gaining, losing, gaining, losing. Semi-maintenance. Not a terrible thing, but darn it, I'm not at goal! This means I really shouldn't be in maintenance mode yet.

Big Results Require Big Changes

So this keeps popping back in my head. It's something my Weight Watcher leader has said over and over. If you want big results, you have to make big changes. I even read the same thing in a magazine lately (Shape, Women's Health or Weight Watchers - can't remember which).

This means I need to change things up. What I'm doing simply isn't working. I haven't been tracking my Points with gusto for months. I start the day, then I give up. Mainly because I'm pretty limited on Points now. I get 20, and even though I eat all of my 35 weeklies, it just doesn't feel like much food. I think I don't track my food because then it makes it easier to cheat.

I usually track my food on-line on line, at work and at home. I also carry the 3-month tracking journal in my purse, and I have the Weight Watchers mobile app on my Blackberry - there is simply no reason not to track. Other than I'm lazy, and I have a secret desire to cheat.

So I have a new tactic. I'm eating almost all Filling Foods. This is the suggestion of my Weight Watcher leader, Janis (who I totally LOVE!). I'm still tracking, not quite ready to give that up, but when you look at my tracker, it's almost entirely green diamond foods. It's true what they say, they do help with a feeling of fullness.

I'm still off added sugar 100%. I almost gave in after hearing about the new pretzel-chocolate-caramel 2-Point bars at Weight Watchers. How they're the best ever bar Weight Watchers has ever made. I was in line with a box in my hand, I glanced at the label. First ingredient, enriched wheat flour (bad, never eat anything with the word "enriched" in front of it), second ingredient, SUGAR. OH MY FREAK! NO! I quickly put the box back on the shelf and left. That stuff would be crack for me. Pure and simple, I'm a sugar addict. I can't have it in my possession.

Amp Up Your Activity!

This week's Weight Watcher topic was Amp Up Your Activity. Anyway who reads my blog knows I'm a gym rat. I hit the gym six days a week, every week unless I'm out out town.

Lately though, my workouts have been kind of lackluster. My heart (literally) just hasn't been into working out. I go, I do my thing, but sometimes I don't give it my all. Sometimes I do it half-hearted. Sometimes I even leave the gym early, before my minimum required hour is completed.

Last week I made an effort to try swimming. That didn't work out too well for me. I kind of hated it. So that's off my list.

Yesterday's workout was fabulous. I did an hour of cardio, a new weekend rule for me. An hour of cardio and 40 minutes of strength on the weekends. I have the time, and yesterday I had the desire. It was probably my best workout in weeks.

Preferably I'd like to be outside on my bike, but our weather here in the Northwest sucks lately. As soon as I see some sun, I'll be back on my bike. Right now it looks like it's going to downpour any second. It's been like this for weeks, and the forecast is more of the same. I'm so jealous reading every one's blogs about the great weather they're having. Even Fairbanks, Alaska is having weather in the high 70's with sun. What the heck?

Blogging

I'm not sure why or when this happened, but I've kind stopped posting on my blog on a consistent basis. I know it's key and what's helped me keep on track for the past three years. It's essential I post something every day.

 Not being accountable is my downfall. I can hide a 5-pound gain from my husband, but I can't hide it from you. Weird how that works, but that's just me. I feel the strange need to be 100% honest here about my struggles, my failures, my successes. People who only know me through this blog, know more about my daily struggles with weight than anyone in my non-blog world.

My goal weight?

Not sure why I'm wordier than normal today. Maybe because I'm hyped up that I'm determined to get to goal. I'm not even sure what my goal is going to be. It was 135 pounds when I started, but as I get closer and this gets harder, I'll have to see where I land.

Technically at my height, 5' 6", Weight Watchers high end of the scale for a healthy weight is 155. That's tempting, but it's not where I want to be. My goal has always been a size 8, but truthfully, size 8's are a lot bigger these days than when I started trying to lose weight 30 years ago.

Truthfully, I love the idea of losing 100 pounds, which would be 139. I guess I'll have to see how it goes.

**********

Mickey, helping me enter my food into the online tracker. So cute. :)

Day 621 What Is Willpower? and Everyday, We Write The Book

Day 621

What Is Willpower? and Everyday, We Write The Book

Yesterday at my Oklahoma Blood Institute broadcast, a regular listener said to me, “you must have amazing willpower, I don't know how you do it.” I smiled and replied, “Thank you, but it took many years of having zero willpower to get to where I am today.” But what is willpower? To me, it's that “iron-clad” decision to change, it's letting everything that life can throw at you along the way, bounce off of that “steel curtain zone.” But how do we install this imaginary curtain? What do I believe that makes this decision and zone so powerful?

I've thought about that a bunch over the last 24 hours. It's strange how, when you're thinking of something with intensity, confirmations and examples of your beliefs make themselves very clear. During this philosophical dip below the surface, into the “how and why,” I chatted with a friend that has a most amazingly triumphant story---a powerful path, that would leave 99.9% of everyone else waiving the white flag of surrender. She refused to surrender—and took control, navigating a recovery still unfolding. She's making her way forward and free, without hesitation, without fear---just the pure raw power of an iron-clad decision to live, survive, and take back what was taken. She's demanding the best, and refusing to settle, refusing to give up. She's fighting for herself and winning. It's a beautiful thing to witness, it really is amazing. The full scope of her story and victory, when told, will ultimately inspire and give countless others hope.

When I noticed a facebook friend had posted a video of Elvis Costello singing “Everyday I Write The Book,” I listened, and it brought me back into this intense study. It's a cleverly written love song, but it was the title that struck me in a deeper way.

I've written before about how we're all authors of our own story. And let me say this before I go any further: I fully understand and believe that we're at the mercy of a most divine and powerful editor—who ultimately decides when and how our story ends. But at the same time, if we're fortunate, we're given the freedom to take control of our story and rise to the challenge of making it whatever we want it to be.

Will our story be tragic or triumphant? Will we take control of the plot, accepting 100% responsibility for our actions, complete with a self-honesty level that clearly stares down what has held us back? We write the book everyday along this road. My life, or book, was headed for a very sad and tragic end at over 500 pounds. My “character” was depressed over his obesity. He was sad and out of control, feeling hopeless for change---playing and fully accepting the role of victim in so many circumstances, slowly drowning in the sinkhole of life, holding on to all that was good and right—the family, the friends, the blessings---but still sinking, almost giving up and letting go of himself, everything, and everyone. Almost surrendering in a way that would surely leave his family and friends heartbroken.

But wait! I'm the author of this story, you're the author of yours! Is it going to end this way? Nobody can write it for us. We have to be the one to turn it all around for the record. If it's ever going to change, we have to accept the challenge and rise above our circumstances. We make that iron-clad decision, we put up that steel-curtain zone, and we do it because we've decided that tragedy sucks. Our story can be a happy tale, full of triumphant victory---that happy ending where everything seems right with the world. And should our most divine and powerful editor feel the need to give it a tragic and sudden twist, for reasons unknown to you and me, then we can still feel good about and appreciate that we made a difference with our individual vision of how our story could be and what we did to make it that way.

That's what drives my willpower. It's much deeper than just being able to say no to overeating. That kind of control is just the surface. What's below the surface is the driving force toward freedom, a freedom I never knew and always believed was out of reach. Until now. Reach for it, realize that you're the author of your own story and write it with your actions. From someone who spent nearly two decades near, at, or above 500 pounds---I know you can really do it. It's in you--so grab it, write it, and live it!

Ok, this is the Daily Diary---so what about today you ask?

I overslept this morning. I really wanted to hit the 9:30am spinning class, but if you want a cycle, you have to be there by 9am. I chose to stay out a little late last night and I chose to sleep a little long this morning---so getting there by 9am, unfortunately wasn't happening today. I made it a great day by not dwelling on that misstep---and moving forward. I prepared breakfast, spent some time writing, and went out to buy a few much needed things for this apartment. By the time I returned, it was time to workout and think about lunch.

I grabbed the bike and made my way to that old familiar trail. The bike ride is always good---and my walk/jog, well---it wasn't really a jog at all. Just a good brisk walk. It didn't take long for the sweat to start pouring down in this 90 degree weather. I walked and rode to the tunes that inspire me---that speak to me, that empower me. I only did 1.7 miles, two times around, then hit the bike back home. I was actually feeling hungry by then.

I prepared a chicken breast on the Foreman Grill, opened a can of green beans, and baked a serving of fries with ketchup. I thought about making the chicken a sandwich, but I didn't want the extra calories. Yeah, it was a great lunch----I loved it! And at just under 400 calories, my calorie budget loved it too!

I had so much more to write today, complete with an excerpt from a year ago, but I think I'll save it for tomorrow. I had a wonderful evening that started with my oldest daughter and ended with a late night shopping trip at Wal-Mart. I have mushrooms again! I feel complete! Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 620 A Long and Rewarding Friday, A Year Ago, And Look at My Ears!

Day 620

A Long and Rewarding Friday, A Year Ago, And Look at My Ears!

I knew good and well this day would be busy, by work obligations mostly, then by choice later. I didn't hit the snooze button this morning, even though I set it for 3:50am, knowing that a one snooze would take me to 3:59...I had to jump up, because this day was going to need me making all the right moves in a timely fashion.

I started with making the coffee before hitting the floor for a quick morning warm-up routine. I must admit, even as simple as it is to just drop in the floor and do these movements, I sometimes just don't really feel like giving it my all. Today was like that. Why? Hmmm, don't know---because it's the most convenient part of my workout plan on any given day. Squats, sit-ups, push-ups---and I usually kick myself with a solid--- come on Sean, this will take 15 minutes tops, let's get it done! Unless I wake up late and need to rush to the studio, there really isn't a good reason to ever miss these non-weighted strength exercises. I did 'em good and hit the kitchen.

Breakfast was a couple of eggs in a low-cal whole wheat tortilla wrap. I'm out of mushrooms!!! How did I let that happen? I swear---I hardly ever run out---I grab some almost every time I'm at the store...but not the last time, and that was a mistake! Oh well...scrambled eggs with salsa---wrapped up with an 81 calorie edible container, made it 231 calories. I chose the wrap over the cheese today. I'm also out of pears---wow, I need to grocery shop. This wrap and a sliced pear on the side is right at or just a tad over 300 calories---and it's one of my favorite breakfast combos.

The schedule today was simple and full. My show from 6 to 9am, production from 9 to around 10:35 or 10:40, then racing to pay my electric bill (I need to learn to do these things online---geez) and off to my first remote at 11am. I ran into the city hall office to pay that bill today. Literally ran in and out---I mean running. Not a light “I'm in a hurry jog,” but a “let's see how fast this body can move,” kind of run. Being able to do that when needed---oh wow, and not be out of breath and almost dead after? That my friend is an amazing feeling.

My first broadcast of the day was at The Oklahoma Blood Institute. We were co-sponsoring a big blood drive with OBI and the Oklahoma Pork Council. Yes, pork. Each donor was given a pulled pork sandwich---including me. I made it myself---I wanted to be in control of the size. The bun was 120 calories, and I was very careful about the meat---guesstimating the sandwich at 250. It was a fair guesstimate, it actually was probably a little less.

I haven't donated blood in a while, so it was time---and today was the perfect opportunity. They took my vitals and I was thrilled with the numbers. My pulse was 60 and my blood pressure checked in at 120/78 ---I said, “That's pretty good, huh?” and the nurse replied, “It's perfect.” I haven't needed blood pressure medication in a very long time---I can't even begin to express how wonderful it feels to see numbers like this...120/78---a pulse of 60....I told a friend of mine about the numbers today and the reply was simply, “you've added years to your life.” Yes sir—absolutely! They'll be checking my cholesterol too, I'll get that in the mail in a couple of weeks or so.

I had a chance to see many listeners of my show at this broadcast---and the “wow” reactions started coming fast and furious. Every single one makes me beam with pride and confidence. My favorite was from a guy I haven't seen in well over a year: “My wife said you had lost some more weight, but I didn't expect you to look like a completely different person, good thing your voice hasn't changed.” Yeah, good thing! My voice and my heart of hearts---two things that remain the same, everything else is Sean 2.0!

I traveled back in time to a year ago today and found the following excerpts:

This morning was a little more routine. I woke up at 4:45 and felt the base of my sternum. I love feeling that. I never knew it existed before I lost the first 100 pounds! I mean I knew it was down there somewhere, but to see it stick out of my chest and feel the bump, that's really cool. It's amazing how many wonderful things like this I'm experiencing. When I look down I can actually see my feet! It's the most wonderful thing! After a few minutes marveling at my smaller body, I jumped up to greet the day. I know I only did it once, yesterday, but I kind of missed not walking this morning. I may try to do that at least a couple of times a week. I think I'll skip the iPod too for these early pre-dawn walks. I'll just soak up the sounds of the early morning scene. It'll give me time to think about where I've been and where I'm headed. I love working out to music, you may have read what I've written about that, but there's room for calm reflection and future gazing without the tunes every once in a while. Spending alone time with your thoughts can be very therapeutic.

Irene prepared a fantastic breakfast. I had a high fiber tortilla with a scrambled egg and salsa. Not bad for 150. I also had a serving of Cheerios with a quarter cup of 2% milk for 130. We're out of our steel cut oats, and I miss them horribly! I must buy some more tomorrow! If you're wondering what's so special about steel cut oats, Google it, and you'll see! Courtney calls them “Horse Oats,” because I told her it's what they feed race horses, and you've never seen a fat race horse, right? Horse oats are definitely on the shopping list tomorrow!

When I arrived at the studio, I was greeted by the morning personality at the country station down the hall. Him: “Hey, I had a horrible dream about you last night.” Me: “Really?” Him: “We were doing a broadcast from an elementary school and you died on the sidewalk.” Me: “Thanks for that.” Him: “You were all stiff and everything.” Me: “How long was I out there?” Him: “I don't know, I woke up.” Me: “Did somebody kill me?” Him: “Uh, I don't know how it happened, you were just dead.” Me: “I need a cup of coffee.” What a wonderful greeting to my workday. I haven't worried about dying in a very long time. I use to worry about it daily at over 500 pounds, but now I'm too focused on living and doing the things that will keep me living as long as I'm allowed. So all day long I had that lingering thought in my head. I tried to laugh it off, but it still bothered me a little. He didn't mean any harm by telling me about the dream, he was probably just happy to see me standing up, and not stiff on a sidewalk in front of a bunch of elementary school kids. I'm over it now. But really, it bothered me all day. On the way to the YMCA for my workout I thought about it again. Of course it didn't help that I had a voice mail from the friend meeting me for a heated racquetball match that said “I got a new racket, new balls, and you're gonna die in there.” Maybe that isn't an exact quote, but it was something to that effect. It was hardcore trash talking indeed. Now I was really worried. What if I exert myself a little too hard and collapse? OK enough! I had to wipe it from my mind. I did a little bit.

The first broadcast was 11am to 2pm, the second---from Wal-Mart, was 2 to 6pm---and after that I had some choices to make. I ended up accepting a poker playing invitation from friends. I know, it was crazy---because I was tired after a long day, but maybe I needed to wind down and enjoy some cards. I was the DD---and we played until just after 11pm. The better choice may have been---stay home, eat dinner, workout, and go to bed early. But I don't always make the better choice. But I do make it enough of the time to get the job done, and really---who's to say that relaxing with some friends and playing cards isn't the best choice after a long work day?
I've been feeling good the last couple of days. Staying busy and really appreciating the journey traveled and the lessons learned along the way. My goals are in sight. I'm strong, capable, smart, and very thankful for so many wonderful blessings.

I took a picture during my second broadcast from the drivers seat of our remote broadcast vehicle. You know what I look for in a good picture? My ears. I love seeing my ears---not hidden anymore behind my giant face. I look at those ears---and, well---I smile from ear to ear. A good day indeed. Not the best in some regards, but sometimes good is good enough. I'm happy.

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


Where are my ears? One of my biggest before shots! 505 or maybe more!


There they are! I like my ears showing...I'm strange, I know---but it's the little things that are so huge along this road.


Kind of blurry---but very cool. Vitals: Pulse—60, BP—120/78!!! That's what I'm talking about!!! Not a little thing at all, these numbers. It's life my friend!

Day 619 Welcome To The "Crossing Point," Next Stop: Goal!

Day 619 Welcome To The "Crossing Point," Next Stop: Goal!

I started today not really knowing how everything would work out. It was weigh day for me, but my schedule would have me in the studio until nearly noon and then on the way to Stillwater for the rest of the afternoon. I honestly thought that weigh day would need to be postponed until Friday, I wasn't sure what the schedule would allow, after all, tomorrow is actually busier than today.

I was headed to Stillwater, invited on an afternoon golf outing with a couple of clients, but I gracefully declined. Oh, I would still make the trip—as a designated driver, but I had my own agenda in Stillwater. I decided to drop everyone at the golf course and make my way to the YMCA for an amazing workout in the pool, followed by a semi-surprise visit with Mom, Grandma, and Aunt Kelli. I was in the locker room at the YMCA when it hit me, why not have what will surely be a major milestone weigh day, on the very scales that started it all? I'm right here in Stillwater! The Payne County Health Department isn't that far away, and those old familiar scales are in the same place they've been for the last decade. I would certainly miss the smiling faces at the doctors office and their congrats that come with every weigh-in, but how could I not do this at the PCHD? It was decided—after my swim, it was weigh day! Now, I needed to overcome some insecurities and change in front of these people and get in that pool.

I couldn't do it. I'm shy or modest or whatever I want to call it---insecure, embarrassed, whatever...Changing in front of anyone is still a hang-up for me. It doesn't matter how much weight I've lost or the fact that these people couldn't care less and are in their own worlds and probably not even noticing me. It's all in my head. But still, I changed inside a stall just like I did as a fat kid, and made my way into a pool I haven't been in since I was a fat pre-teen. Oh the memories of this place!

I quickly made my way to the far end of this Olympic sized pool, away from people and into my very own lane. The pool wasn't crowded, but I was warned that the swim team would be coming in an hour. I had plenty of time. I did laps. Doggy paddle laps, backstroke laps, really bad form straight swimming laps, --make that last one “lap.” I need to learn the proper breathing technique while swimming a traditional lap. I felt better with my head out of the water and the backstroke and doggy paddle worked really well. It was exactly what I wanted today. It was, without a doubt, an amazing workout! The only thing that could have made it better was maybe some water proof headphones for my iPod---I might look into those. It would be cool to swim with my tunes! I cut my swim workout at about the 45 minute mark and was hoping I could get back into the locker room and change before the place filled up with swim team members. I changed quickly, out in the open-empty locker room. I was risking somebody walking in and having to face my crazy insecurities. I've never undressed and dressed so quickly in all my life! And just as I finished---here they came...wow, perfect timing.

The Payne County Health department hasn't changed a bit, and neither has my pre-weigh in ritual of using the restroom right before stepping on the scale. Like that is going to help in some major way. I guess it does a little, but really, I'm just strange sometimes---or normal, I haven't decided. It was just like old times. I made so many 500 pound treks back to this scale---every time I would try to start losing weight, it always started right here. This was my moment of truth spot so many times. The moment and the place where I would face the scale. Unlike the first weigh-in along this road on Day 2, not a soul was back there to sneak a peak at the big guy's number. Not that they really did back then, nor would they really care today, after all, I'm no longer the walking-talking-smiling side show of an obese man like before...I look relatively normal sized. I'm not so sure the staff up front even recognized me as I walked past on my way back.

Here I stood---right back where I started, but light years from where I was. I knew I was only 1.5 pounds away from the “Crossing Point,” that wonderful milestone where I've lost more than I weigh. This was going to be so anti-climatic if I don't at least lose two pounds---that's what I was thinking. I climbed on the scale and immediately realized that today was going to be a good one. It almost touched 251---and then it couldn't decide between 249.6, 249.8, and 250 on the nose...it was constantly moving. I decided to try snapping a picture of the scale---and somehow lucked out, as it showed 249.6 pounds. I round up anyway...so regardless, I was taking 250---but really, it mostly was saying 249.8 and 250.0...for a loss of four more pounds---and completely powering past the wonderful “Crossing Point.” I was so happy, I swear...and nobody back there to share it with---uhg! The first one I told was Irene. We had discussed this magical place from the very early stages of this journey, and here I am! I've lost 255 pounds and really, this was the last major milestone before hitting goal. I'm extremely confident that 230 is reachable---and pretty accurate, despite pulling that number out of the air on Day 1. I still have the fat, enough of it to lose and get there...oh yeah, I'm getting there alright!

I was on my way to grandmas house when I discovered everyone sitting at one of our favorite Stillwater restaurants, Charlie's Chicken. My visit was a semi-secret surprise. I mentioned it in my blog yesterday, but wasn't sure if mom would read before I made it down. Turns out, Kelli had read it and knew I was coming. Mom just watched the video and decided to read the blog later this evening...perfect. Kelli didn't tell anyone either---when I pressed myself against the window of the restaurant, the genuine surprise on my mom and grandma was wonderful to see. We visited, took pictures, and grandma warned me for the 300th time--"don't you lose another pound!" I smile everytime she says it, I love that beautiful lady! I remember, and so does she---the concerned conversations about my weight for so many years. It's nice to be here, it really is special.

Irene read Day 617 today. She knew it was there but avioded reading it on purpose, just too many emotions wrapped up in that post. She texted me and asked, "Is it going to make me cry?" Writing it made me, so yeah, good chance buddy! Irene commented:

"That day was a tough day for me too buddy...all the memories all the times good and bad that we have shared came flooding back in. and as we walked the last walk as a married couple down that hall to the judges chamber there was nothing there but love...you have always completed me, you have been my best friend forever since I was 15 I have relied on you to make me laugh to comfort me to hold my hand and reassure me everything was going to be alright...We are not over buddy you will always be a part of me in everything I do. I will always comfort you and I will always be here for you through anything and everything...I will always love you buddy and I will always be your buddy."

Thank you buddy, thank you. I feel the same, absolutely!

OK---I was going to post an excerpt from a year ago, but I'm running out of time here. I had some good food today. A quick re-cap: A homemade breakfast burrito, banana, orange, a serving of Triple Greens, small chicken breast, two chicken chunks at Charlies and a small order of mashed potatoes. Some smoked turkey with barbeque sauce and a few fried mushrooms after picking up the guys at the golf course, and I also enjoyed a junior sized frozen yogurt cone from Braums with mom....and a late night banana---and I think that's it.

What an amazing day! Tomorrow is set to be a little crazy. I have my radio show from 6 to 9am, some production and remote broadcast prep---then two location broadcasts starting at 11am and ending at 6pm. I'll be running around like crazy. No mid-day spinning---uhggg---I love my spinning! And make no mistake---the spinning has helped me tremendously, as well as the improved over-all consistency of my workout schedule---that's how I nailed this 4 pound weigh day and huge milestone. 250 feels incredible!

Thank you for reading! Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


The scale couldn't decide. It changed over and over from 249.6 to 249.8 and 250.0, then back to 249.6...changing fast---I was just lucky to snap this at the very second it was on 249.6--but really, officially it's 250. Now if it would have hit 249.4, I would have rounded down. I've always rounded...I never liked using "point" anything.


With mom at the restaurant---surprise!


With grandma and mom, very nice!




With Aunt Kelli

Day 618 Tight Schedule, Working With Courtney, and A Green Drink Video

Day 618

Tight Schedule, Working With Courtney, and A Green Drink Video

Wednesdays in May have left little room for error when it comes to my routine in schedule. It's a packed day from the start and doesn't end until nearly 8pm. When the alarm clock sounds, it's time to get up. No snooze alarm today, it's just too risky. Four AM found me making coffee and in the floor for my quick morning non-weighted strength training exercises. I get down and do the push-ups and sit-ups first, then I finish off in the living room with the non-weighted squats. It's not the biggest and best workout, but it makes me feel good first thing---setting a positive tone for the rest of the morning.

Let me back up a second and say something. Thank you for the incredible outpouring of sincere support yesterday. The emails and blog/facebook comments were so heartfelt---very sincere, and they absolutely lifted me up and through a major turning point along this road. It not only helped me, but I know the incredible support touched Irene, Courtney, and Amber too. Thank you doesn't seem like enough, but from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

I prepared a two-whole egg breakfast burrito this morning with peppers, onions, salsa---no cheese, on an 81 calorie tortilla wrap. The total calorie count for this incredibly filling breakfast was only 235 calories. I grabbed a banana on the way to the studio and I was set for a busy Wednesday.

I had my show from 6am to 9am, production until 1pm, then some errands, and a quick lunch at the apartment before headed West for a 3pm to 7pm broadcast from the casino. No nappy time for Seanboy today!

I did have a late morning guest at the studio who brought a little booster to help me get through. Karen is a facebook friend and local reader of my blog. She just recently started reading and one of the things she noticed was that I sometimes lack in the green veggie department. Karen sent me a facebook message recently all about this product she was completely passionate about called Triple Greens. It's helped her tremendously and she thought it might be something I could consider for some added nutritional benefit. She assured me the calories were low, but more importantly---it was loaded with a bunch of good stuff. I told her that I would try it, sure---I'm open to something like that, as long as it doesn't make me want to throw up first thing everyday. I know it sounds short sighted of me, but the first thing I checked on the label was the calorie count. 45 calories for a whole scoop. Karen recommended a half a scoop to start---ok, cool. She actually gave me some of this last week---and I hadn't tried it yet, so I agreed that we would meet and lift a glass of this stuff today. I'm stubborn---and that canister might have stayed on my counter for a very long time without me trying, so I agreed, today I would try it. And you know what? It wasn't bad at all! It wasn't anything like I thought it would be, and even though I've never made something like this a regular part of my routine, I'm seriously considering it now. Thanks Karen! The video is below!

My remote broadcast this afternoon was engineered and produced back in the studio by my favorite broadcast board operator---Courtney! It's very cool to work with her on a broadcast and funny too sometimes. I've had more than a few strange looks from clients when I'm communicating with the studio during a broadcast and they hear me say “I love you sweety.” Did Sean just tell someone back at the station he loved them? Is that appropriate workplace behavior? It is when the person in studio is your sixteen year old daughter! And no---Courtney has no intentions of following in dad's footsteps, this is just a job to her...and I like it that way. Courtney wants to be a pediatrician someday. I like that idea, and of course I'll be happy and proud no matter what she does...even if she has a morning radio show someday. Love you Court!

My Wednesday afternoon broadcast from the casino meant I would have a chance to see Nathaniel again today. I wasn't there too long before Nathaniel came out of the back. He listens to the broadcast while he does whatever he does back there. He might be in surveillance, I'm not sure. Anyway, we had a nice conversation and he shared that he was down about 18 pounds already and feeling good, yet finding it very tough---a constant struggle most of the time. We talked about that and the idea of him starting a blog. He's actually working on that! I told him to call me and I would help him get it up and running. I have a good feeling about Nathaniel. He's a smart young man who feels so trapped---just like I always did. Keep that importance level high my friend and fight yourself at every turn to stay consistent---it'll get easier and the results will absolutely thrill you.

By the time I got back to the apartment tonight, I was exhausted. I had planned on a YMCA trip, but elected to rest instead. I do however have big plans for a Y trip tomorrow afternoon---and it involves swimming! Shhhh! Don't tell mom, I want it to be a surprise. We'll see how soon she reads this. You see, I'm going down to Stillwater, driving a friend to a golf course. I was invited to enjoy the golf course, but seriously, this is a perfect opportunity to swim and visit mom and family while my friends play a round of 18. And she has no idea I'm coming! Well, until now. See ya later mom!

In the archives from one year ago today, I found this humorous excerpt:

Today (Tuesday) I enjoyed McDonald's for lunch. There are so many people that know about the journey I'm on and I always wonder if they'll see me in the drive-thru and get the wrong idea. “Would you look at that Mabel, Sean is going off the deep end, he's in the McDonald's drive-thru!” Just in case anyone could hear, I made sure to shout my order a little louder to prevent any confusion...Me: “I'LL HAVE A GRILLED CHICKEN WRAP WITHOUT SAUCE AND A FRUIT AND YOGURT PARFAIT.” McDonald's employee: “Could you please repeat that sir?” Me: “A 270 CALORIE GRILLED CHICKEN WRAP WITHOUT THE EXTRA 70 CALORIES WORTH OF RANCH, MAKING IT ONLY 200 CALORIES AND A 160 CALORIE FRUIT AND YOGURT PARFAIT.” McDonald's employee: “Would you like any fries or a hot apple pie with that today?” Me: “Are you serious?”

And right below that, I found this:

Cravings are something that I deal with on a regular basis. Cravings by themselves are not a bad thing. After all, I've lost weight using a philosophy that anything is permitted within reason, but when the cravings are coupled with crazy “pig out” ideas, that's when they're bad. I'm telling you right now, I could pick any fast food place with a fish sandwich, and easily eat two, maybe three of them. I love fish sandwiches! I almost ordered a fish for lunch, easy on the sauce, but didn't. If I had, I would have dropped the parfait from the calorie budget for sure. When we're talking about cravings and crazy “pig out” thoughts, we're really talking about two very different things. If I'm craving something, I'll eat it in a portion size that doesn't wreck my calorie budget. If I'm having crazy out of control thoughts about gorging, well, that takes a more aggressive approach. I have to stop myself, but how? By getting really serious with myself really fast. I've come too far and accomplished too much to throw it all away. My reasons for losing this weight are not small reasons, they're life or death reasons. I guess you could say that I bring out the hardcore dramatic motivating thoughts. I have a bunch of motivating thoughts, but when I need to shut down some crazy urges, I have to go to the big guns, the dying young scenarios always snap me back into reality. I've fallen victim too many times by submitting to these urges.

Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoy the latest “On The Go” Video below. I need to do more of these, they're so much fun! Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


Thanks again Karen!

Maybe swimming isn't for me

I tried something different this morning. I did my normal cardio workout (intervals), today it was the elliptical for thirty five minutes, then a few lower body weights for about twenty minutes, then swimming again, for only twenty minutes.

The reason for only twenty minutes of swimming:  I almost drowned in five foot of water. I'm serious.

While I was in the middle of my fifth lap of doing the backstroke, I somehow flung a bunch of water up my nose as I was inhaling. I panicked, started coughing, choking, and gasping for air. I tried to stand up but couldn't touch the bottom of the pool. My mind couldn't register this because I was sure the pool was four foot, even in the deepest area. I'm 5' 6", I should have been able to stand up and touch bottom.

There were only two other people in the pool with me, swimming the lanes on each side of me. As I coughed and choked, they kept swimming. I grabbed onto the plastic rope that separates the lanes and gathered my composure. I was mainly embarrassed, and a little bit afraid. Then I saw the sign on the edge of the pool next to me. It said "5 Ft.". Okay. I can touch the bottom. I stood up, on my toes, with my head tilted back and quietly walked a few feet until I was in the four foot area. I swam a few more laps but I'd lost my momentum.

After the pool I went into the dry sauna for six minutes (thermometer said it was 205F degrees...I think it must have been broken). Then I went into the steam room for six minutes.

All day I was absolutely physically exhausted. It wasn't a hard workout so I'm not sure why I was (and still am) so wiped out.

Someone recently told something that's making me rethink this whole swimming thing. They said recent research has shown older people are happier people. The reason is because older people have figured out what they like to do and what they don't like. Now that they're older they focus on just the stuff they like, and forget the stuff they don't like.

I've never liked swimming. I don't like water in my face in up my nose, or the taste of chlorine. I don't like wearing a swimsuit. I don't like the fear I get that I could drown in five feet of water. I don't like that I can't wear my heart rate monitor or my iPod. I don't like the silence. I don't like other people in the water with me. I don't like that it's so hard for me and that it hurts. I don't like it that I don't like. Everyone loves swimming, right?

What do you think? Should I just forget about the swimming? Maybe I should try an aerobics class or something else? My gym has spinning classes, but only at noon, so that's not an option. In my twenties aerobics was all the rage, high impact aerobics. Remember "no pain, no gain"? I must have heard that a hundred times in all those stupid step aerobic classes I took in the 80's.

I really need to do something different. The gym with it's daily grind is losing it's charm. I go, but I don't go enthusiastically. At least not lately. Maybe when and if it ever stops raining around here in this hell hole called the Pacific Northwest, I can get back to riding my bike. I just need something new, but maybe not swimming.

Day 617 It's All A Part of This Deeply Personal Transformation

Day 617

It's All A Part of This Deeply Personal Transformation

I've stared at this blank screen for the last half hour, deep in thought, wondering how to put this in words. Today was tough. It had nothing to do with food and exercise, or cravings and temptation. It was an emotional end to a twenty-one year marriage. It was a quiet little signing ceremony with Irene, me, a lawyer and a judge. I've made wonderful strides over the last several months in keeping this kind of stuff out of this blog, but I can't tonight. I've been consumed with reflection all day long. I tried to just walk out of the judges chambers, hug Irene, get in my vehicle and go back to the studio---but I didn't make it. I pulled into a park and just sat there in thought. My mom called and asked how I was doing---and I just lost it. I needed her to call at that moment and she did, isn't that amazing? I swear, moms are psychic. I was slowly eating my lunch and watching the birds. This was it. The biggest motivator for me to seriously start along this weight loss road was the fear of my family falling apart. And it did anyway, today was D day. But you know what?

We're still a family of four, the living arrangements may have changed, but we're still and always will be a family. And further...

Irene and I will always love one another and we'll always be supportive of each other. When we wrote BFF on all of those little high school notes, we meant it! She's an awesome person. She's beautiful, talented, smart, loving, and has done an amazing job raising two fantastic daughters with me. There is no animosity between us now---the blame game is long past, and the tenderness we shared in the hugs immediately after todays formalities really showed how far we've matured along this road of life.

If the preceding was a little too mushy, personal, and non-weight loss related for you, then you're probably new to this blog. This has always been a family journey and truly a daily diary of my travels from 505 pounds. I've dared to explore every facet along the way, knowing that the answers I seek might be found in the sum of everything that has made me who I am today. I knew that this time, this weight loss attempt---it had to be different from any other I'd ever tried, I had to dig deep and write it out if I was ever to understand my morbid obesity. I still don't understand it all, but what I've learned along the way gives me incredible confidence for a future free from the threats of this killer.

I did end up taking longer to get back to work today, with my detour in the park---but before that I was really in a hurry to get back to work. I ran into a convenience store to grab something for lunch and had a really hard time choosing something I could feel good about. I finally emerged with an orange, a banana, and a Cliff Bar. I'm normally not a "bar person," but these choices were probably the best 400 calorie lunch combination I was finding in there. The Cliff Bar was all natural---and really, it was amazingly good! When mom called, one of the things she asked was "what are you eating?" I told her a Cliff Bar and she was shocked I think. She told me she was having a bar too. Neither one of us use them exclusively to lose weight, you know that. Today it was convenient and very wholesome.

I talked with Courtney tonight and she said she was being bombarded with temptation. There's a Starbucks inside the store where she works and they were clearing out some of the leftover treats. They offered her a bunch of incredibly delicious and loaded goodies and she accepted. BUT---she distributed them to some of her friends and didn't touch them at all, saying "Dad--I only have 200 calories left in my budget today, I'll be alright." Yes she will. Absolutely, she's got this under control in a very solid way. Maybe we'll split a rice krispy treat tomorrow.

The girls were both spending the evening and night with their mom. It gave me some time to sit in this quiet apartment and meditate about everything. We have some wonderful times ahead, and when I think about how far we've come---despite the ups and downs of life, I can't help but smile. We're extremely fortunate, very blessed, and incredibly lucky. It was the positive thought I needed to push myself out the door and onto the bike.

The plan was to ride to the trail and do a 5K, but I didn't. I just enjoyed the ride. Somedays are just emotionally exhausting, and this was one. Call it an excuse, I prefer "circumstance." This was more than I'd normally ask of myself on a day like today. The ride made me feel good, the air, and the movement was needed.

I enjoyed a grilled chicken, cheese, and veggie omelet this evening--it was big and heavy, checking in at 400 calories. I sliced a green apple and spread a teaspoon of peanut butter on the slices for a nice indulgent sweet taste. How daring is that? Nope, they never hid the jar, and I haven't had a meltdown with the peanut butter since I made that semi-serious request. I was in control and feeling good. There's a lot to feel good about around here.

Thanks for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


Love this pic. We'll always be a fabulous foursome!


Easily my favorite photo of the two of us. This was snapped on a triumphant day last fall---remember our incredible trip to the amusement park? We rode rollercoasters together---and fit perfectly on anything and everything that park had to offer. It was a dream realized that day!

Day 616 The Changing Line of Least Resistance and Exploring My Mentality

Day 616

The Changing Line of Least Resistance and Exploring My Mentality

Monday morning came quickly. Ok, really, that doesn't make sense. It came just as fast as any other Monday. I guess the perception is an indicator of the enjoyment level. I really enjoyed the weekend with Amber and Courtney, the wild horses, the bike ride, all of it was good—and it could have lasted another day, and it probably still wouldn't have been enough.

The bike ride last night gave me the kind of workout that makes a nights rest a little deeper. And when you need to be up by 4am, that's not a good thing, unless you go to bed at a decent hour---and you know me, I always need to work on that. I ended up sleeping past my alarm and waking up in a huge hurry at almost 5am. My routine changes dramatically when I get up late. Two things are a must: breakfast and a shower. And sometimes, that's all I have time to do. No writing, no non-weighted strength training exercises, no returning e-mails or reading blogs when the clock isn't in my favor.

Starting a Monday like this, I have to concentrate on righting the day---not getting too concerned about the disruption in my routine, just making it the best I can after a rocky and rushed start. Too many times in the past, a little disruption in routine, and bam---I would be done. Looking back, it doesn't make sense---and maybe I was always looking for an out, looking for an excuse to retreat to old habits—the line of least resistance where everything is super easy, because nothing matters anymore. I matter now, so that line isn't very attractive. And now it's different, because even doing the right things by my calorie budget and workouts---doesn't feel too far from that line. It does get easier, becoming habit---becoming me, becoming my lifestyle. The definition of that line changes along this road. Now—the line of least resistance doesn't mean my journey goes up in flames---it means I skip a workout or not work out as hard as I know I can. I believe that the changing of what that line is all about indicates the real changes in me. These are reassuring changes unlike any I've ever experienced in past weight loss attempts. This is the difference---this is the real deal, this is what it feels like to make that change, that real change.

I've been super protective of my mental state along this road. The idea of a “free day” or even a “free meal” is something that I knew couldn't be for me. It's truly different for everyone. For me, a raging food addict, it didn't make sense. But as I read and even hear others speak of an occasional meal where a little indulgence is allowed, I think...Hmmm, that's normal behavior---we occasionally indulge and part of my development at some point will be accepting and handling those occasions without the mental damage I always feared. What brought this up? I dived into this topic exactly one year ago today:

Recently the topic of allowing a “free day” came up. The only time I've done that was Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I still only allowed an additional 1,000 calories. Some people can handle a free day and then pretend that it didn't happen, I can't. That's just me. And now that I'm so far along on this journey, I seriously don't think I could make myself take advantage of one. I eat everything I like anyway! I've really been analyzing the concept of a “free day,” and I've come to the conclusion that fits me. Every other weight loss attempt found me just waiting for the day I could cut loose. I wasn't learning anything about portion control and eating responsibly. I was simply going through the motions needed to lose weight. I wasn't changing my brain. Back then, one day of eating whatever, whenever, and howmuchever I wanted, and it was over every time, completely off the wagon. I know experts say that an occasional free day is actually good for firing up your metabolism, I eat every three hours, that too will keep your metabolism running hot! If my long term goal is eating responsibly, then why would I want one day to eat whatever? It's something that really depends on the person. My opinion really only fits me because I know me. I know me very well. For some, a free day might mean one meal where they go out and just order whatever without regard to calories. That's not too bad. I guess it depends on what you consider a free day. To me it always meant a half-gallon of ice cream just for starters! I wrote about this on Day 34. On the topic of allowing a “cheat day”: I know that if I do it a little it will lead to a lot. Then the next thing you know I'm buying candy bars and half gallons of ice cream. I'm all about eating whatever you want and still losing weight, I'm proof it can be done, but I do have some boundaries. My wife and kids know that if daddy brings home a half gallon, it's all over.

Irene is so good at recognizing when I've fallen off the wagon that she'll let me know she knows long before anyone else has a clue. If you see me drinking regular pop...I'm off the wagon. If you see me loading up a plate at a get together, I'm probably off the wagon. If you see me in the back alley behind the convenience store with a pint of Blue Bell and a plastic spoon, I'm off the wagon. But you will not see me doing any of those things, because I'm not only on the wagon, I'm strapped onto the wagon. If the wagon tipped over, I'd still be on the wagon. If the wagon started rolling down a mountain side, I'd be screaming in terror, but I'd still be on the wagon. What I'm trying to say is...I'm doing this now. And I imagine that some might be wondering when these blogs will stop. I've had so many great starts before, surely I'll mess up and go back to doing whatever sooner or later. Nope. If you stopped reading this blog and came back in two months, you would find Day 94 ready and waiting for you to read.

That first sentence sums up why I wouldn't dare allow myself a free day early on this journey. And now after 252 days, I've learned too much about portion control and eating responsibly to ever wrap my mind around the free day concept. It just goes against the mental changes that I've developed, the ones that will keep my weight off for the rest of my life. These changes are the number one difference between this time and all the others.

And here we are at Day 616 with 251 pounds gone. And I'm still learning—still developing and understanding this journey away from morbid obesity, but always being mindful of the boundaries I must maintain as a recovering food addict. Will I ever be completely normal? Maybe not. But close to normal is so far from where I was, it's still really good. Am I even making sense? You know what I mean, right?

I met up with Courtney and her boyfriend Bradley at the YMCA. Today was their Day 1 of a new attitude and approach. Courtney was on the elliptical and Bradley was doing the stationary sit-down bike while I lifted the weights before spinning class. It was such a pleasure to see Courtney in there and working out hard.

The spinning class was incredible. And guess who showed up? Melissa Walden, fitness and life coach! There she was---on a cycle, right along with the rest of us. It was very cool to see here there. I remember how not too long ago, I absolutely feared the spinning class, now I look forward to the amazing workout. I absolutely love spinning. And the differences have been noticeable---I can feel it, and even see it in the mirror.

After our workout, Courtney met me at the grocery store for some shopping before I headed back to the apartment for a relaxing evening with Amber and KL. I had a huge craving for chips and salsa tonight---so I grabbed some salsa and some white corn tortilla chips. I counted out a serving and a half of chips, grabbed a bowl of salsa---and enjoyed every bite---all 240 calories worth. It was very good. I also enjoyed some baked pepper shrimp and a banana. It was kind of a strange dinner, but it's what I wanted tonight.

Thank you for reading! Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


Courtney at the YMCA this evening! She's ready and on her way! Let's do this! I love that girl!

Like a fish out of water

That's how my swimming went today. You know, when a poor fish is on dry land, flopping and flipping around, gasping for air. Well, that was me, but I was in the water.

Talk about being out of my comfort zone. Now I totally remember why I quit swimming at the gym a couple years ago, it was because I'm not good at it. I tend to avoid things I'm not good at doing. I swallowed a lot of pool water the first twenty minutes as I attempted to keep my face in the water, then turn to side for air. Turns out I can't hold my breath for more than ten seconds without the fear of drowning overcoming me.

Then Mr. Olympian swimmer had to join me in the pool. I mean, it was 5:15 a.m. for heaven's sake, why wasn't he home sleeping? He was a really good swimmer and got in the lane right next to me, and he was a show off. For every lap I did, he did two. It was slightly embarrassing.

After about six laps of the pool, I finally gave in and did the backstroke. I'm pretty good at it and had read some tips in the Women's Health Magazine on form for the backstroke. I really got into it, tightening my abs, reaching straight up at a 45 degree angle and back as far as I could, twisting my core  slightly with each stroke. It felt like a good workout, but I had to rest after every four laps because I could barely breathe. It was like I was completely out of shape.

I managed a total of 25 laps and I think the pool is 25 meters long. That's not great, but my goal was only twenty. I was in the pool 50 minutes, so although that's not a very long workout, it felt like hours with all that of huffing and puffing and inhaling water. Seriously, it was like my first time on the StairMaster or on the elliptical, except I had the added bonus of drowning. 

I think Roxie is right and I need a lesson or two on how to swim. At this point I can't say I loved it because it was really difficult. Especially with all that water in my nose and mouth. Also my right ear was plugged with water most of the day.

I'm not sure this is the right exercise for me, but I'll probably do it a couple times a week, but in conjunction with some strength training. My back and shoulders are sore in places they're usually not sore so I know I worked a few new muscles that I don't normally use. 

Today was a major hungry day for me, and I went way over my Points. All healthy food, a ton of fresh vegetables and fruits, fresh halibut and a handful of those delicious, calorie/fat laden hazelnuts my husband bought last week. I asked him to get a few at the bulk foods. By a few I meant maybe 1/4 cup. I want to make a really delicious salad we had in Denver at the Spicy Pickle. It's called the Forest and had hazelnuts, along with sundried tomatoes, roasted red peppers, onions and Portabella mushrooms, and chunks of roasted chicken on a bed of fresh spinach. Sprinkled with...roasted hazlenuts and served with a Balsamic vinaigrette. Really yummy.

He came  home with three freaking pounds of hazelnuts. Why?

Day 615 Low-Cal Mini-Burgers All Around and Courtney's Journey is About To Hit High Gear!

Day 615

Low-Cal Mini-Burgers All Around and Courtney’s Journey is About To Hit High Gear!

I have a habit of waking up after six hours of sleep, but this morning I said NO! I made myself sleep in a little while longer. I hardly ever get to sleep late these days, I was taking more this time. It felt good really, but it did kind of tilt my day. Not “tilt” in a bad way, just slightly off center. Breakfast was late, lunch was later---and dinner wasn’t clearly defined really. I spent the afternoon with Amber and KL, and even prepared a mini-hamburger lunch---making them super low-cal (as hamburgers go) at just 180 for each. We each had two. Courtney and her friend Bradley made their way over too, so I prepared some for them as well. I had an apartment full, it was very nice!

Courtney and Bradley were on their way to the urgent care clinic to weigh. They’re both gearing up for a summer challenge of good choices. Courtney made a date with me for the YMCA tomorrow at 5pm. She’ll be on the elliptical and treadmills while I’m in spinning class. I love it that she’s so excited about really ramping up her journey. She really hasn’t been doing badly. She let me know the results when she weighed-in, and she’s pretty well maintained. The past several months have been a huge stressful transition for everyone, and probably the toughest for Courtney, considering she’s still at home---and now she has two homes, and she’s 16 with all the pressures of maintaining her high GPA and working her part-time jobs (yes “jobs,” she has three). Now it’s summer time, so she can finally breathe a little.

I stopped by and talked with Courtney at her mom’s house while out riding my bike tonight. She thought it was strange to see her dad ride up on a bike---but I wasn’t going to pedal on past without stopping and checking on her. We had a wonderful conversation wherein Courtney identified a common psychological obstacle we all can fall into. After she lost the first 80 pounds, the compliments and “wow” reactions came fast and furious. The first day of her junior year was the best first day she's ever had---everyone was amazed at her transformation. So she got rather comfortable, she was feeling good, looking great, and her confidence shot through the roof! I’ll never forget the night she burned the girdle on the patio---that was one of my favorite days along this journey, I was so proud---still am. That newfound confidence made it easier to take it easy in the workout department---and soon Courtney fell into maintaining mode before reaching goal. It’s easy to do---I’ve done it too with my incredibly inconsistent workout schedule over the past several months.

The great thing I’ve noticed? Courtney has got it. The things we’ve learned along this road, together as a family, are emblazoned on her brain. She understands all about good choices. She understands the mental aspects involved. She understands that nobody is perfect, not even her dear old dad. And most importantly, she also knows what she wants---and that’s another 60 pounds gone. She’s going to do it, just watch! There will be some pictures taken today, I guarantee.

I traveled back into the archives 365 days to one year ago and found a nice “wow” reaction. I guess I’ve been experiencing these wonderful things for over a year now. I never get tired of them, not at all. I don’t think I’ve laid eyes on the friend in this excerpt since that day---if I ran into him today---he’d probably give me another! Here’s that excerpt:

An old friend from way back showed up at the broadcast this morning. He asked me if I had seen a really big guy roaming around anywhere, I told him that guy is gone and never coming back! He was joking of course, but all he kept saying was “look at you man,” “look at you!” OK! I'm looking! I know! Isn't that great! He was amazed at the transformation so far. He knew me at my heaviest, somewhere around 510 or so...really, it may have been higher, it's not like I weighed regularly back then! Had I not run into him today, instead in about six more months, I doubt he would have recognized me at all. The changes are wonderful so far, but I'm still a big man...Just wait! The difference the next 111 pounds will make is going to be mind blowing! Especially for those who knew me back in my quarter ton days. For those who didn't know me back then, get ready for the pictures!

The bike ride tonight, a tour of north Ponca City, was my workout today. Before the ride, I watched a documentary with Amber and KL (they love documentary films) and we even enjoyed some frozen yogurt. It was a nice quiet evening at home. That bike ride? Oh my---I discovered some inclines you just don’t notice when you’re driving in a vehicle, but my legs sure noticed! The final mile was straight into a strong south wind on an incline I didn't realize existed until now. I really wanted to swim this weekend, but just wasn’t able to get to Stillwater to get that accomplished. I really long for that incredible swimming workout. I’ll get it, I will. We’re good!

Thank you for reading! Goodnight and…

Good Choices,
Sean

Ready, Set, Go Swimming!

Tomorrow morning I'll be swimming to get in my cardio exercise. It's been at least two years since I went swimming in the pool at the gym.

In February 2008 when I started Weight Watchers and made a dedication to exercise, I would get in the pool at the gym a couple times a week, but I never felt like I was getting a good workout. After a few months I gave up swimming for the StairMaster and the elliptical for my cardio workout. I'm a nut about my heart rate, and addicted to my heart rate monitor (as well as my music).

Lately I've been feeling a little bored and tired of the elliptical, cross-ramp, StairMaster, and the hated treadmill. I'm adding in swimming to make things a little more interesting.

I have my swimsuit laid out, along with a pair of sweatpants to throw on in the morning. My swim cap, goggles, swim shoes and towel are all packed in my workout bag.

For some bizarre reason I'm a little nervous. It's totally silly, but it's been a while since I actually got in the pool. I know there's never anyone there at 5 a.m., and it's not even the fear of wearing a swimsuit in front of strangers. It's just because it's something different and something I haven't done every day for two and half years. I could do the StairMaster or elliptical blindfolded. Swimming seems like it takes talent.

I'm not a strong swimmer, but I don't have a big fear of the water either. Having grown up in Alaska there wasn't a lot of opportunity to go swimming (short summers and ice cold lake water), so I've never been really comfortable being in deep water.

My breathing technique is something I really need to work on. I sort of taught myself how to swim over the years, and have never had an actual swim lesson. My husband has taught me a few things too. He's like a fish in the water, he was a scuba instructor when I met him. It was his passion back then and he's still a really strong swimmer.

There's a great article in the June 2010 Women's Health, "Swim Your Butt Off". I can't find it online yet, but it has a lot of tips on how swimming can be a really good workout. The line I like best is where they describe the swimmer's body. "Runners have the legs. Yoga chicks have the abs. Swimmers, well, they've got the whole package."

Wish me luck!