Day 381 Lighting A Candle Instead of Cursing The Darkness and More "Lost" Before Pictures

Day 381

Lighting A Candle Instead of Cursing The Darkness and More “Lost” Before Pictures

After starting the day with a 200 calorie cheese omelet, Irene and I was off to pick up JoEllen and head for her urgent doctors appointment in Oklahoma City. I took a personal day today for the trip. Irene could have made the trip without me, but since she had worked a twelve hour shift right before and was without any sleep at all, I wanted to make sure they arrived safe and on time.

JoEllen was in incredible spirits considering she’s just been diagnosed with thyroid and brain cancer. To make a bad situation worse, she’s also developed blindness in both eyes over the last several days. And still, she was finding humor in her situation. She was smiling. It was wonderful to see her brave spirit. I don’t think I would have been as chipper under the same circumstances. We had moments when she would bring up the topic of death and we quickly insisted on a subject change. And she occasionally showed a mixture of fear and frustration over the blindness. She’s a strong woman.

The medical team working with JoEllen will start chemotherapy in a couple of weeks. They did say that the brain tumor seemed stable. Hopefully the chemotherapy will kill it completely. In the meantime, the doctors number one concern is saving her vision. The pressure from the tumor is severely hurting her optical nerves and that has caused this sudden blindness. They must perform an emergency surgery in the morning to relieve the pressure on her optical nerves before she becomes permanently blind. JoEllen is resting tonight at our house. Irene is getting off at 4:30am, she’ll get a few hours rest, then she’ll take Jo to the surgery center in Oklahoma City for the procedure that hopefully will bring her out of the darkness.

Thank you for all of the wonderful comments of prayer for JoEllen. Irene didn’t want to leave JoEllen’s side, but at a certain point, I had to insist that she try to sleep in the car while I stayed with Jo in the doctors office. While we were waiting for them to schedule the surgery, I shared your comments with her. She was amazed that so many people from all over the world were thinking of her. It really lifted her spirits, so again, thank you!

I have to say that I’m really learning something from watching JoEllen handle this horrible situation. Something life threatening like this can quickly put things in perspective. Most of us are very lucky, and sure, I can come up with a long list of things I’m not happy about or frustrated over on this journey, but what’s really important? What matters? Not giving up matters. Family love matters. And finding reasons to smile even in our darkest hour---that really matters. I did good today considering it was the first time I’ve ever led someone around who couldn’t see. I only ran her into one chair and one wall, not too bad really.

You know what today was? Weigh day!!!! Can you believe I missed a weigh day? I did. As we were headed into town late this afternoon, I declared that weigh day was postponed until Thursday. I can weigh tomorrow. This isn’t the first time weigh day has been postponed by one day. But it is the second---I’m pretty sure! I’ll be cool with whatever the scales show me tomorrow.

Play rehearsal was awesome tonight. It’s really coming together. I wish you could come and see this show. I’m blessed to have such a wonderful role for my stage debut.

I’m including some “Lost” before pictures in tonight’s blog, I hope you enjoy them! Thank you for reading. Goodnight and…

Good Choices,
Sean


Nearly 17 years ago. I was doing two morning shows at the same time. One Classic Country and one Soft AC, I just alternated. Crazy kid!!


At a station sponsored event. About a decade old, this one.


My mom and little brother Shane on one of Shane’s prom nights! He attended several!! We lost Shane in June of 2001. He was 24.


Irene and the girls several years ago. A really bright picture—but just adorable anyway!!! I love these young ladies!

A full body before picture with Ryan Diamond of KPNC. We were at the OAB Awards Banquet. Ryan won for radio personality of the year on that night. He was over 200 pounds in this picture and I still make him look tiny! I have a history of making people look little in pictures.

Still hanging on...just barely

I'm still in San Francisco. Not a whole lot to say tonight. I'm very tired, frustrated, not exactly happy. More tired than unhappy though, so I guess that's a good thing.

Eating isn't perfect. I'm missing meals then eating too much when I do get to eat. I worked out Monday and Tuesday, but overslept today. Tomorrow I'll go to the hotel gym.

I still want to go home. Maybe tomorrow.

Where are YOU?

In a dark hotel room, somewhere near the San Francisco airport, my cell phone rings at 12:37am. I awake from a sound sleep to answer it.

Me: "Hello?"

Husband: "Hi!"

Me: "Why are you calling me?"

Husband: "I wanted to me make sure you're okay."

Me: "Of course I'm okay. I'm home. I don't understand why you're calling me."

Husband: "You're not home, you're in San Francisco."

Me: "I AM home and I don't know why you're calling me. Just come talk to me. "

Husband: "Diana, you're not home."

Me: "Yes, I'm home! Where are YOU?"

Husband: "You're NOT home."

I try to look around to see where I am. It's pitch black in the room. Then I realize it's not my bed and I'm not home. It dawns on me, I'm still in San Francisco! My husband is home and calling me in San Francisco.

It's very disorienting to wake up and not know where you are, or to think you're in one place and find out you're in another place. It's happened before, but this time I was positive I was at home and was puzzled my husband was calling me.

I want to go home.

Day 380 A World of Support

Day 380

A World of Support

Tonight will be a short blog for a few reasons. First off, let me say that I sincerely appreciate all of the wonderful comments, e-mails, and messages sent my way today. Thank you for your support. I will return that support, even if I haven’t yet, I’m coming!

Our computer is infected and under quarantine at a location other than our house. I’m writing tonight’s blog from the radio station. Gayle is working on getting rid of the fake security program that has infiltrated our system, demanding that we pay 39.95 so we can be “protected.” It’s called “total security,” and it’s a scam pure and simple. I’m glad Gayle is a whiz at these things, because I haven’t a clue. This isn’t the first time she’s fixed our system. If not for her, we would just have to buy a new computer every four or five months, and that could get rather expensive.

My sister in law was told today that she has cancer. They found it in the thyroid tissue they removed the other day. The results of the cat scan confirmed it’s spread to her brain. She has a doctors appointment first thing in the morning in Oklahoma City. I’ll be taking a personal day to drive Irene and JoEllen to that doctor in the morning. Gayle will be doing my show.

I really hope the doctor gives her some kind of hope to hold onto. We’ll be there for her no matter the prognosis and treatment plan. She may need to move in with us for a while since she has become completely blind over the past several days, a result of the pressure on her brain. She’s younger than us, just too young to be experiencing this.

I need to get some rest. I’ve been consumed with this situation all evening. It just isn’t right. Thank you for the continued prayers. Goodnight and…

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 379 The Candy Store of Non-Scale Victories

Day 379

The Candy Store of Non-Scale Victories

I've been doing a lot of celebrating lately. That doesn't mean 'food' like it did once upon a time, but I think some of my focus, OK, I know that some of my focus has suffered. This transformation has allowed me to experience things I once only dreamed of, and that's cool, but I mustn't forget, we've got work to do! As dramatic of a change I've had over the last 379 days, there's more to come, so I need not get too caught up where I am now.

It's like I hit the 200 pounds lost mark and went nuts! Think about it: I hit the 200 lost mark and then totally scrambled my schedule. I can't remember the last time I was at the YMCA. What about that consistent routine that brought me here? It's been replaced by a hectic routine of wearing size 40 pants, riding roller-coasters, and performing on stage. And don't get me wrong, all of this is good, more than good really...it's great! But I need to get back to the routine that brought me here because we've still got work to do.

I love the play I'm in. It is definitely something I needed to do. I'm so happy to be a part of it, but after the curtain falls on that final performance October 17th, you can bet that Sean here is getting back to basics. Through it all, my food and calorie budget has remained rock solid. At this point, that's a very easy part for me. And yes, I'm getting exercise in my current activities, but nothing like I need. The great thing about this? Time is my friend. And I'm able to recognize when I'm getting carried away with this newfound freedom. It's time to recognize that and make the adjustments necessary to proceed.

If I stopped losing weight and trying to get in shape today, just settled on the success I've found thus far, it would still be an amazing change. But I deserve more. I want more. This isn't the body I've always dreamed of, and I understand that perfection is a destination just past crazy, so I'm not trying to be perfect. I just know what this body is capable of---and this isn't all there is my friend. I can completely understand how some people can reach a point like this and completely settle. I feel great. I can sleep like a baby without the help of a CPAP machine. I can fit in a small car. I can wear jeans I haven't been able to wear since I was a kid. I can run up stairs. I can fit on any amusement ride you can show me. I can do all of that and more! Shoot, I can even take a picture, look at it, and think...wow, that's pretty good huh? So yes, I can see how easy it would be to settle. I will not settle. I need to leave the candy store of non-scale victories and head down this road with the same determined spirit and consistent routine that has given me all of these rewards.

I did something today that I haven't done in a while. I read several blogs and commented many of them. I sincerely miss staying up with my blogging friends and it was wonderful to check in and see how many of them are doing. It's awesome to see that everyone seems to be doing great! If I missed you, please forgive and understand. I've always cherished the support you've given me and I'm grateful for the understanding that many have extended me during this crazy time in my life, when there just hasn't been the time to read and comment like I use to. But still, once again...it's a schedule I created. It's a schedule that will be returning to normal soon. And I can't wait.

New Me has given me the “Honest Scrap” award! This award requires me to reveal ten things about me that I haven't already shared. Hmmm...what have I not shared? OK, I'm sure there are ten, but man, they're going to be personal---and really hard to write and release into the world. So, I'm going to ponder those ten items and write them soon. I'll also reveal the ten that I will pass the award to when that post is written. It will be good, I'm sure. Thank you New Me!

Thank you for reading and following my success along this most amazing journey. I've included a picture below of me in a school desk. This desk was at rehearsal tonight and from the moment I laid eyes on it, I wanted to try it out. Even in 8th or 9th grade I couldn't fit in this kind of a desk, but tonight it was easy. It was amazing. I fit in a school desk with space between my stomach and the desk, can you believe that? Unbelievable. Just wonderful, amazing! Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

The scar

I'm in a hotel in San Francisco, alone. I'm here for work. I am not having fun. Major problems with my project at the airport. Back at it tomorrow for another long day.

I wrote the post below a few weeks ago but never posted it. Tonight, after removing my makeup, and staring at myself in the mirror, I could see the scar is really noticeable. It's because I'm tired and stressed. But when I smile, the scar disappears.

Yesterday's pictures are there now, not sure why they weren't there yesterday. You can see the hooker shoes that I don't own anymore. And yes, I actually wore them a couple of times. Sometimes I'm stupid like that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Scar

There's a scar on my lower lip. It's just a little vertical mark that crosses my lower lip line. It's not really noticeable to most people. When I get really tired, it becomes more pronounced.

The scar is a reminder of a very bad time in my life. I was 22 and had fallen in love with a man 16 years older than me. He was a "recovering" alcoholic. I moved from Alaska to Oregon with him for what became the worst three months of my life. I had dropped out of my junior year of college to go live with him. I worked a menial job while he stayed drunk. I didn't have any friends or family in Oregon. I was alone, with my alcoholic boyfriend.

One day he hocked my TV and stereo to get money to buy alcohol. These were things I had brought with me from Alaska. Then he stole a check out of my checkbook and cashed it at a bar, forging my name on it. It was for $50.00, which left me with almost nothing in my checking account. I had to go through my coat pockets to find 35 cents for bus fare so I could go to work. I still didn't leave. I thought I could save him. It was a very dark time in my life.

One night we had an argument and he threw his dinner plate at me. It hit me in the face and cut my lower lip, leaving me with the scar that is still there to this day, some 32 years later. After this happened, I realized I couldn't save him. I realized he was a lost cause, and for my own safety and sanity, I had to get out.

I called my mom and was on a plane back to Alaska the next day. I left everything I owned and didn't even give notice on my job. I didn't even call them to tell them I was leaving, I just left.

I never spoke to my boyfriend again. He came back to Fairbanks but I refused to talk to him. He went to see my mother and said he was leaving Alaska for good. He gave my mother a letter to give to me. I remember it was in a very thick envelope. I never opened it. Instead, I stood at the kitchen sink and burned it.

Why am I telling you about this? Because whenever I look at that scar on my lip, like tonight, I remember that horrible time in my life. I remember being scared and feeling hopeless, but I also remember pulling myself out of that horrible mess I had made of my life.

It's like gaining 100 pounds. I remember feeling scared and hopeless then too. It seemed so insurmountable to lose 100 pounds. I felt trapped. The difference between the alcoholic boyfriend and me gaining the 100 pounds is this time it was me abusing my body. It was me beating myself up, being cruel to myself. I was making a mockery of my life. I would say horrible, cruel things to myself. I would call myself a fat ass, a fat pig, stupid and ugly. All the awful things that a mean alcoholic might say to me.

Just like I wouldn't let my alcoholic boyfriend ruin my life, I decided to not let me ruin my life with my weight. It's strange how when I look at that scar that this is what I think about. I don't really think of him, but I think of the situation, how similar it was to what I did to myself.

It makes me feel a bit sad that I was so cruel to myself, but it also makes me feel strong and invincible now. I'm reminded I'm capable of anything. Surviving an abusive relationship or losing a lot of weight. In a way, they're a lot alike, it's just that in the latter case, the abuser was me.

Who would have thought that a tiny little scar would have so much meaning behind it?

Day 378 We Have The Power To Change What We Don't Like

Day 378

We Have The Power To Change What We Don't Like

I have no idea how many calories are burned taking in an amusement park for five hours, but it must be a bunch. We were completely drained from the experience. Even after sleeping ten hours straight, we were still tired all day today. Irene mentioned that the adrenaline that we tapped every time we climbed aboard one of those rides must have zapped our strength. I bet she's right. Wow, overcoming a lifetime of fears and restrictions from obesity can really wear you out! Day 377 was a really fun blog to write. If you haven't had the chance to read it and see all the pictures and video, I encourage you to scroll down the page and discover Day 377---it was incredible.

We did take a bunch of pictures Saturday and some of them were not the best while others were incredible. I started thinking about pictures and how much I use to hate them. I still do occasionally when one reminds me of how far I still have to go, but thank goodness these days they usually just show me how far I've come. In the Diane interview, she talks about going to the photo-mat and destroying or hiding the pictures she didn't like before anyone else had a chance to see them. I guess we do the same thing when we decide what pictures to post. Irene picked some for her blog that I didn't care for particularly, but again, I'm some kind of messed up when it comes to being self-critical. What do I have to do to satisfy myself? Become a body builder? Geez. That's not a bad idea really. Anyway, there is my point. And my point is: If we don't like what we see in a picture, we have the power to change that image. I never liked what was staring back at me when I weighed over 500 pounds, but that picture on Day 377 that I said was my favorite of Irene and I together...I love that picture! LOVE IT! We look so blasted young and thin in that one! So I'm not going to complain about pictures or how they sometimes expose the work we still have left to do, I'm just going to continue the journey and soon there will not be a picture I don't love.

Irene fixed a traditional Sunday dinner today. She put down a beef roast from the freezer for thawing while we were gone Saturday. It was an awesome meal. We enjoyed roast, mashed potatoes—no gravy, and corn on the cob! It wasn't the biggest roast, but it was just enough for the four of us to enjoy a responsible portion. It was perfect. I use to stress over the size of the roast. Will it feed us all? I wanted big portions for everyone. I can remember cooking two roast just to be sure we had enough. It's such a dramatic change that we can sit down to a small roast and each enjoy a 4 ounce portion without second helpings, and everybody leaves the table feeling 100% satisfied. It's awesome my friend. To finally reach a point where we no longer stress about “will we have enough?” Because there was always enough to be satisfied, that wasn't the concern of the past. Did we have enough to be stuffed? How about leftovers? That was our old mindset. Shoot, if I was the one cooking, I'd usually eat at least a serving before whatever we were having hit the table. I was testing the food of course. See, we just don't think like that anymore. It's one of the many elements of our mental changes that will keep our weight off forever.

We've really enjoyed having Amber home this weekend. It's been a wonderful weekend indeed. I hate to see her go back, but I'm so proud of where she's headed, that I have to give her a hug and send her off. She's going back to school in the morning. She's going to make the best special education teacher in the world. Her compassion and understanding for students with developmental disabilities is heart warming. She's got what it takes to make a significant difference in many lives. I'm so proud.

Irene ran lines with me again today. We went through the entire script. I'm ready for a week of rehearsals that will have us doing the entire production from start to finish every night. I'm ready! Opening night is less than two weeks away. Ooh, that makes me a little nervous just typing that. Anyway, it'll be fine, no...it will be grand!

JoEllen, my sister in law is still in the hospital and is expected to be released Monday or Tuesday. Thank you to everyone who has included her in their prayers. Her diagnosis is one that I don't know if I could handle with as much grace and spirit as her. If ever anyone deserved a miracle, it would be her. She's had a rough life, and then this. It just doesn't seem right at all. But we're going to be there for her all the way. Again, thank you for your prayers.

If you haven't had a chance to listen to the Diane—Fit To The Finish interview, I encourage you to press play. You'll also see Jack and Tony's interview along the left hand side of this page. Everytime I add another, I'll just move one down into the “Audio archives.” And if you haven't checked out Day 377, yesterday's post, please do. It's loaded with a bunch of pictures and On The Go videos of our adventures to Frontier City.

Another work week calls. I must run now. Thank you so much for reading what I write. Thank you sincerely. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

I give up

I give up on ever wearing these size 7, slim fit jeans. I've had these jeans in my closet since 1997. That was the last time I weighed 124 pounds and had a 27" waist. I remember I was shopping with my mom and when I tried on these jeans, they fit. I looked skinny, really skinny. I was ecstatic to finally fit into a size 7.

I also remember I felt like hell. I was weak and tired and hungry. It was my vegetarian, starvation phase, and eating less than 10 grams of fat a day. When I'd bend over and stand up quickly I'd see stars.

I never wore these jeans. I was only at the 124-pound mark for about three weeks. I proceeded to gain 120 pounds over next two years. These jeans have remained on a hanger in the back of my closet all this time. I pull them out every year or so when I'd start a new diet. They were my goal jeans.

Today I was putting away my summer clothes when I came across these jeans. I've finally accepted it, I will never weigh 124 pounds again. I'm 5' 6 1/2" and 54 years old. It's an old dream, one from when I was 14 years old. It's time to give it up and accept my size 10 body. I can live with that, I can't live with feeling sick just so I can wear size 7.

I'm also giving up on these shoes. What the hell was I thinking? I have a few 3-inch heels, but 4-inch heels are just a little too much for me. Both the skinny jeans and the red 4-inch heels went to Goodwill today. They'll probably make some hooker very happy.



Although I'm giving up on the jeans and the shoes, I'm not giving up on me reaching a healthy weight. I'm almost there, it's within my reach. Maybe it's not a size 7 or even an 8, maybe it's just a loose-fitting size 10.

~Diana
162.2

Day 377 A Whole New Frontier City: A Dream Realized.

Day 377

A Whole New Frontier City: Dream Realized

One of the things I wrote about in the early days of this journey was how I wanted to take my kids to an amusement park and really enjoy the experience. It was a goal, a dream really, to become one of those people, you know the ones, the people having the time of their lives completely free of the restrictions of morbid obesity. I was over 500 pounds for so long, the only thing I could do at this kind of a place was carry our stuff and watch other people have fun. I was miserable. I was that fat guy standing off to the side, knowing that I couldn't fit, and not even trying, because it would be too embarrassing to be told the obvious by the ride operator...in front of everybody. I took my family to the amusement park several times over the years, we're no stranger to Frontier City, but I never looked forward to the experience like I did today. I'm now 213 pounds thinner and Frontier City has never known me like this, and I've never looked at Frontier City the way I did today.

I've never been an amusement park kind of person, or at least I didn't think I was. Maybe I was always an amusement park person deep down, but the weight was holding me back. You can't really enjoy a place like this at over 500 pounds. You get through it, you watch others have fun, you're happy for them. You carry stuff for everybody and you look for food. Our trip to Frontier City today was monumental. It was the first time I've ever really enjoyed a theme park with my family. It was a goal attained, a dream realized, a reward for finally grabbing a hold of a life that I let slip away for far too long. At over 500 pounds, just the walk up the parking lot hill would have had me stopping to rest. Not today. Today was going to be unlike any experience at Frontier City we've ever had. It was going to be amazing. And it was.

We started with the log flume. The log flume doesn't have a bar that must click, no seat belt to fasten. We were simply 'testing the waters' so to speak. What we did next was amazing on a couple of different levels. We went straight from the log flume to the Wildcat Roller Coaster. The Wildcat is a wooden roller coaster with seats that are really small. Even at 350 or 400 I couldn't have fit on this thing, forget about over 500. It was a snug fit today, but I fit, and the good times? They were rollin'! I say it was amazing on a couple of different levels because riding a roller coaster at any size was always something Irene and I swore we would never do. I never had a desire to get on a roller coaster. They look scary and really dangerous. So the fact that I was always too big for one really worked for me, because I was terrified of them. The weight became a perfect excuse...I'm scared of them, but I couldn't fit on one even if I wanted. Irene and I have experienced many “first” together in the last 22 years, this added to that list. We were side by side on the Wildcat and we both clicked the restraints in place without any trouble at all. We were ready. Amber and Courtney were in the two seats directly in front of us, we were ready to scream together! The ride was fast and furious, simply incredible really. Thank goodness we all chewed motion sickness pills before embarking on this experience!! We were flying.

We loved the roller coaster, no kidding. It was complete freedom to let loose and have a blast. And it made me think about something. Losing weight has allowed me to fit on a ride like this, certainly, but more importantly—it has given me the confidence to face down deep seeded fears I've always had. Riding that roller coaster today and two others before the day ended, wasn't just about fitting in the restraints, it was about overcoming my fears with complete confidence. That's pretty big stuff. It's like I've said many times in these writings, the physical transformation is amazing, but the mental transformation is the biggest change. The physical gets all the glory, but remember—when you see me smile, I'm not smiling because I look better than I ever have, I'm smiling because of the miraculous changes on the inside. So powerful are these changes, that I climbed on to three roller coasters today without a hint of hesitation. Losing weight is so much more than just looking better and being healthier. Losing weight is a key that unlocks the jail cell door, setting free a me that I didn't even know existed.

We truly enjoyed the entire experience. All of our worries and stress, we left that stuff in the car. This day was a long time coming. This day was one to remember. Frontier City never looked and felt so good. A special thanks goes out to Andrea in the Six Flags/Frontier City Marketing department for providing us with “special guest” passes. I can't thank you enough Andrea! We put them to good use as you can read and see! Below you'll find a collection of photos and On The Go videos from this monumental day.

So how did we handle the food? Easy. Our focus clearly wasn't on the food today. But we did get hungry about four hours into the experience. We enjoyed cheese nachos. One order for all of us to share. We each sampled the nachos and took a little break. We had our water with us and the nachos did exactly what we needed it to do, it held us over until dinner. So how did we resist the funnel cakes, dippin' dots, footlong hot dogs, giant slices of pizza, giant soft pretzels with cheese, deep fried Snickers, and every other kind of amusement park food? We simply were not interested. Food wasn't our motivation today. It wasn't our focus. Our mindset was on having fun, and we don't eat for fun anymore. Sure, we enjoy good food on a regular basis. But on the drive down, it was never I can't wait to get one of those footlong corndogs, it was I can't wait to ride a roller coaster! If this journey had never started, and we were still at our heaviest, the expectations and excitement would have been focused elsewhere, perhaps on the food.

We did enjoy Cracker Barrel for dinner. Now how in the world did we do that? Let me tell you: We shared. Irene and I shared the chicken fried chicken meal and Amber and Courtney shared a cheeseburger and steak fries. And you know what? We were satisfied and completely full! The portions are so big at that place, it really made it easy. We just asked for a couple of empty plates and a knife. Easy. I even allowed for a corn muffin and a couple of bites of a biscuit, it was very good. We left Cracker Barrel feeling good, not feeling stuffed and miserable. Big difference over past visits, huge difference.

On the way home we stopped in Stillwater and waded our way through the football game night traffic. Oklahoma State beat Grambling State soundly and many were leaving the game early. We stopped for a visit with mom, grandma, aunt Kelli, and uncle Keith. Irene drove from Oklahoma City to Stillwater while I slept. After we visited a little, I drove us home to Ponca City. We were exhausted. Completely exhausted. There's no question about if we had a workout today, not at all. Walking all around Frontier City was serious exercise. I had planned on writing this blog posting as soon as we got home, but I couldn't, I was just too tired. So we dropped in bed before midnight, on a Saturday night! We slept what had to be the best sleep ever. I can't remember the last time I slept better. A solid, uninterrupted ten hours of sleep, it was amazing.

So here we are on Sunday, publishing Saturday's post—it was absolutely necessary. I can't imagine what kind of nonsense I would have written had I tried to do it when we got home.
Thank you for reading! And I hope you enjoy the pictures and videos posted below. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


At over 500 pounds, I never needed a sign to tell me I couldn't ride. But they have them everywhere, just in case you forget.


My favorite picture of us. Ever.


Amber and Me, having fun!


Courtney and Me, having fun!


The four of us.


Lookin' good baby!


On top of the world!! Did I mention that I'm normally afraid of heights? Not today...hmm.


Amber, Courtney, and Courtney's best friend Dylan—strapped into the “Mind Bender.”



The Wildcat roller coaster history. As it turns out, this was also the first roller coaster Amber and Courtney ever climbed on years ago. Irene and I did today for our first time. Pretty cool stuff.


Another First!


Just a quick video before this ride and my phone get out of hand!


Ahoy Mates...on the giant ship ride.


Bumper cars! Don't look Dr. Amy!!


On top of the world, or uh, really close!

The best dinner ever!

I've been following Lia's blog for over a year. She's an amazing young woman. She reminds of someone with an old soul in a young person's body. She's figured out things about life that I'm still trying to figure out.

Lia is attending a Swiss hospitality school. When she wrote about her sprialized zucchini with cashew afredo sauce, I asked her to post the recipe. In the meantime I ordered a spiralizer from Amazon.com, and it came today.

It was so much fun to spiralize the zucchini, and it was really easy to use. I'm a nut for kitchen gadgets and this thing is great.

Tonight I made Lia's recipe for spiralized zucchini with cashew alfredo sauce. It was absolutely the best thing I've ever eaten in my life. Seriously, it was that good. As I was making it I said to my husband you can sure tell she's a chef because there were no amounts in her recipe, so I winged it. It turned out fantastic!

My husband, who never says something is really good unless he really means it, said it was one of the best meals he's ever eaten in his life. I have to agree, it was really good. Thank you so much Lia!

I have no idea of the calorie count in this recipe. I used three tablespoons of the sauce and mixed it in with the zucchini, carrots, some roasted butternut squash and cherry tomatoes, a few shrimp on top and a little shaved parmesan. It's been three hours since I ate and I don't feel hungry.

Good eats for sure!

Cat on a hot tin roof

Not really a hot tin roof, but it is a cat on a roof. That's Mickey Mouse, my cat, on top of our roof. That's where he was when we came home Thursday night. My husband left the ladder up against the roof when he was cleaning out the gutters last weekend. Mickey figured out how to climb up (and thankfully down) the ladder. Really nothing to do with this post, but this post really doesn't have anything to do with much of anything.

I have a very busy weekend to get ready for a business trip to San Francisco on Monday. Today it's Weight Watchers, gym, haircut, mani/pedi, and buy a new suitcase. I'm going to check a bag for this trip. My old bag was destroyed on the last trip. I rarely check a bag but it's a necessity for this trip because of the stuff I have to take with me. This time I'm going to buy the wildest color I can find, definitely not black. If I can find zebra stripe, I'm buying it. I'm tired of looking at a hundred black bags trying to find mine.

I'm still counting calories and it really seems to be working. I've been binge-free since I started with the calorie counting on Monday and writing it in my journal. That's five whole nights of not mindlessly stuffing my face like a maniac. I consider it a victory of sorts, but I know I can't let my guard down for a second. I must remained focused or I could slip and slide right back to where I was a couple weeks ago, or worse yet, nineteen months ago.

It's strange to go back to calorie counting because it's what I did 40 years ago when I started my first diet when I was 14 years old and wanted to lose ten pounds. I was a whopping 135 pounds and wanted to weigh 125 (I was 5' 6" and still am). I was an idiot. I never did lose the ten pounds. I remember getting down to 130 and feeling like I was starving to death. Some things never change.

I hope everyone has a really great weekend, and like Ron says, remember to make healthy choices.

~Diana
161.6

Day 376 A Crazy Dream and Praying For Jodi

Day 376

A Crazy Dream and Praying For Jodi

This time it's for real. Nothing can convince me otherwise. Not even a nightmare. I had a dream last night that I had gained back over a hundred pounds. It was a vivid dream, but I wasn't buying it. Have you ever done this? Where right in the middle of your dream you remind yourself that it's just a meaningless dream? Just a collection of your subconscious thoughts, fears, hopes, dreams, and experiences---all blended into one crazy late night movie playing inside your brain. It didn't startle me at all, not even a little. In my dream I had a third person thought of yeah right. I guess even my dreams don't quite realize just how different this time is from all the others. Dreaming about gaining a large amount of weight back and binging on ice cream and pizza didn't scare me, but it does make me wonder if deep down---like seriously deep down, do I really worry about that stuff? The mental changes I've made make it nearly impossible to go crazy on anything. I feel too good these days. I love the way I'm starting to look. More than all that, I love the way I have a clear perception of my success that includes a profound understanding of why I never had it before and why I'm having it now. This time it's for real. That crazy dream did nothing to shake my confidence, it simply gave me something to think about, and a paragraph for this blog. Because when it's for real, it's just too solid to ever believe we could go back. There is no gear for reverse on this happy train. So there! Take that crazy dream weaver!

We received some horrible news about JoEllen, my oldest sister in law. She has a cyst on the back of her brain. It's effecting her vision and giving her severe headaches. Many more doctors visits and maybe some kind of surgery is in her very near future. She just found out right before going in for surgery to remove her thyroid. She's still in the hospital. Our thoughts and prayers are with her always and even more so now. I keep reassuring Irene that it is possible for this to turn out alright. She could survive this and have a normal life again. It's too soon to try to convince JoEllen of this. While visiting her hospital bed tonight, she made mention of her hopelessness to survive this situation. I can't hear someone say something like “it's all over,” without offering positive words of encouragement and hope. That's just me. Old Sean-New Sean, doesn't matter---I have to hold onto something positive, always have. JoEllen politely snapped at me when I offered something positive. She has the right, she's the one facing this situation, I never have. It's easy for me to say. I understand. My prayer for her includes that she will be given as much hope as possible. Even just enough for her to grab a hold and pull herself up a little. It was heartbreaking in that room tonight. She's been through enough, why this? Why now? She did offer a smile and a laugh a couple of times. They were short and not super convincing, but it was a nice break from the constant sadness. Her next appointment with the doctor that discovered the cyst is on the seventh of October. I wonder if he'll move that date up?

Irene and I ran lines for a few hours last night. We worked on a very powerful scene and finally, I feel like I completely have it down. We're also planning on running lines on our trip to Frontier City tomorrow. I don't need a script to do this, so both hands will still be on the wheel and both eyes will be on the road. The other drivers along I-35 South will probably think I'm crazy, that's alright by me.

I've reached a point along this journey where the serious fun begins. Where everywhere I turn I'm experiencing things I could never do before. Tomorrow will be one of those days. I've written about my desire to go to a theme park with my family and actually fit on the rides. Well, tomorrow is the day that dream becomes reality. It'll be a completely different perspective from any theme park experience I've ever had. I can't wait to share the stories and the pictures of tomorrow's visit to Frontier City.

The Diane—Fit To The Finish interview is posted and ready for listening. Just click play on the player you see in the upper left hand corner of this blog page. It's very interesting. Anyone that's struggled with weight can relate and appreciate, and gain inspiration from her success. I've also posted archived interviews from Jack Sh*t and Tony “The Anti-Jared” Posnanski. You'll find those previous interviews further down the page on the left hand side. I hope you're able to listen to Diane's interview, I really enjoyed the conversation!

My calories and food choices were wonderful today. Irene and I worked out right here at home. We have so many wonderful workout choices at home thanks to Richard Simmons, the jump rope we purchased, the fitness trampoline, and a new DVD I won from Ang in her summer weight loss challenge! There's never really a good excuse for not working out when all you need to do is move, right? The other day Chris Williams, the director of the play I'm a part of, commented on this blog. I had talked about not working out as much lately because of my crazy schedule. He reminded me what a workout rehearsals can be, and they are. Movement of any kind. “Just move,” I need to remember my own words sometime!

Thank you for reading and following along on this most incredible journey. Wow, that sounded kind of boastful, and I'm not even apologizing about that. It is incredible. This has been everything and more than I ever thought it could be. And to think, I'm not even at my goal yet! This is pre-goal stuff! I still have a ways to go, but there's no denying---We've all come a very long way in very little time! Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

Doin' the Puallup!

We went to the Dave Koz-Brian Culbertson-Peabo Bryson concert last night. It was at the fair. Puyallup is where the fair is held, their slogan is "Doin' the Puallup!". That makes two things I kind of hate, jazz and the fair. At least I thought hated them.

Surprisingly, I was wrong! Turns out I can appreciate good jazz. The crowd was so into the performers and the music that it was contagious. Completely different crowd than P!nk. About half African American and almost everyone was our age or older.

My husband loves jazz so he was in heaven. I'd never heard of Peabo Bryson, but all his songs were top forty songs. He sang If Ever You're in My Arms Again along with some of his other hits. The concert was outside and it was extremely romantic.

Dave and Brian were awesome musicians, and if you close your eyes jazz actually sounds pretty good. So it wasn't torture at all and I had a really good time. Not as good as at my girl P!nk's concert, but still good.

This is what was torture, and where I really wanted to eat, deep fried twinkies and chocolate covered bacon. Yummo!

Or here, the world famous 1/2 pound hamburgers at Earthquake Burgers:

But I was good girl and ate at the Mongolian Wok where I had a super healthy dinner of a ton of grilled fresh veggies and a tiny bit of chicken breast. No oil, it was all steamed. No rice. It was really good. Probably not as good as anything at the "Totally Fried" place, but it was healthy.

I had a scoop of Nitro ice cream for dessert. It was okay, not great. I only got it because I saw a show on the Food Network where they made ice cream with Nitrogen and it looked wonderful (it wasn't). Calories for the day was 1535 (estimated on the fair food, but I think I probably over estimated).

My chef, who gave me a ton of extra vegetables and "cleaned" the grill so there wouldn't be any oil on it and just used water. Now that I look at the picture of the grill it kind of grosses me out. Click on the picture to enlarge it and you'll see what I mean (nasty!).

There were two rides I really wanted to go on but my husband won't do rides with me. Long story but he almost fell out of a roller coaster when he was seven. He won't go near a ride. That's why when we go to Disney World or somewhere like that I take his mom. She'll do every ride with me, nothing too scary for her.


This one had a huge line and looked really scary.

It was a fun afternoon and evening. We walked around a lot after the concert and got home around midnight. Too late for a work night and second time we did something like this in two weeks. Thank goodness it's Friday!

~Diana
162.6

Day 375 A Vital Element To Long Term Success

Day 375

A Vital Element To Long Term Success

I think I first wrote about my father on Day 106. I did it because I realized that I had a lot of emotional baggage that I needed to get rid of completely. If I was going to fly, I thought, I needed to ease the weight on my mind. So I put it all out there. And again on Day 280, Fathers Day...It was all about him. You can find that fathers day post in the archives or just click this link: http://losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-280-fathers-day-reflection-and-nice.html

Writing about my relationship with him has given me a clear understanding of the emotions I carried for so long. Why do I love him so much? After all, I've only been around him physically for two weeks out of my entire life. But somehow, I now feel like I know him. I couldn't reach this clarity before this journey, I was too busy resenting him and blaming him for everything I could. Through our communications over the last ten months, I've discovered the liberating sensation that real forgiveness provides everyone involved. I never knew the deep meaning of forgiveness until we wiped the slate clean and decided to start our relationship over.

My dad's comment on yesterday's blog was such a wonderful gift: “Son I have mixed tears when I think of you. They are tears of sorrow for not being there when you were growing up. To give you a shoulder to lean on when you needed one. To be your sounding board when the teasing got to much. To go with you at your school functions, and doing so with my head held high, because I was with my son. I know you went through a lot, and I cry inside because I was not there to be your rock. Now I allso have tears of joy and pride for what you have done, how you have turned self hate to self love. Even more then the pride I have in you, my pride for your mother is so great for what she has done to make you the man you are today. My admiration for Irene goes beyond words, for standing by your side and with you through it all. There can never be words that can fully say what I want to say. So the words I LOVE YOU and I AM PROUD OF YOU, will have to do. Take good care of your famley, and allways tell them how much they mean to you, because they tell you every day by their support of you. your dad” I'm going to see him someday again soon, I will. This comment today completely hit me in my emotional gut.

Sweet success yet another day. Is this really me? Is this the same guy that could never get it right before? Thamk you for following along. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

If I could bottle this up for later

You know the feeling, the feeling that nothing could make you eat something you shouldn't or eat too much or eat late at night. That super-human strength that comes from somewhere, that saves you from yourself.

I've been binge-free for four nights in a row. I think this must be a record. Last night I was hungry around 11pm (late night), but I told myself breakfast was only seven hours away. I could last seven hours without eating. I think I read that tip in Dr. Beck's Diet Solution, or maybe someones blog. It worked.

Writing down my food in a regular journal, adding up the calories is really helping me. Maybe it's because it's different or because I can see all the food I've eaten during the day, written in my handwriting. The calories have been between 1100 and 1500, the Points between 20 and 30. It's really working out to 1 Point equals about 50 calories, every single day.

Whatever it is that's working for me, I wish I could save it for when I'm feeling weak. I'm trying not to over-analyze the situation as I tend to do in all areas of my life, which can ultimately ruin it when I overthink stuff. I'm trying to just let it be what it is...a good feeling.

A big thank you to Miz Fit. I watch these video answers she did a couple days ago. The one about improving an area of your body that you know is going to be difficult really hit home with me. I hate ab work. In fact, I'll do anything to avoid it. Which explains why I hate my abdominal area so much.

After watching MizFit's video, I added ab work to my routine. I've tried before but it's so hard and I hate it so much, I always give up after a day or two. I know it's really important to keep the body in balance. My back is very strong, my abs are very weak. A bad combination and could cause an injury when I lift heavy weights because my abs can't support what my back can lift. I need strong abs to support my back.

For three days I've added ab exercises to my workout. Old fashioned sit ups on a slant board, crunches with an 8-pound weight, with a twist to the side on the up move, the prone bicycle knee to opposite elbow (killer!). A few others I found in magazines and books. My abs have been so sore each morning I can barely roll out of bed.

Thanks MizFit! As usual, you inspired me!

~Diana
162.4 <----going the right direction!

Day 374 A Day In The Life and The Letter

Day 374

A Day In The Life and The Letter

Wednesday was another crazy day in the life of the “new” Sean. Some days are busier than others at work, today was one of the busier ones. After running errands in the afternoon, I headed straight for the bed. It had been my goal all day long and nothing was going to keep me from a nice nap. Except my phone. It kept ringing and ringing. Finally, as much as I hated to do it, I switched it to 'silent' and fell asleep. Irene had to go to work early today. I started cooking dinner on my lunch hour, well, I wasn't really cooking, I just turned the oven on and put in a turkey roast. I was just planning ahead. Then Irene reminded me, “I'm leaving at 2:00pm!” And Courtney had after school plans into the evening. So much for dinner, right? That roast is sitting in the fridge, fully cooked.

I enjoyed a mushroom and pepper jack egg white omelet for my “dinner for one.” I can have the heartiest mushroom and melted cheese omelet for a measly 140 calories, it's so good and incredibly filling.

Today was so busy in fact, I couldn't get it all done in the course of a normal workday. I returned to the station after play rehearsal and produced a commercial that had to start just after midnight. I completed the task at 11:40pm.

I sincerely appreciate the concern many have expressed over the craziness of my schedule of late. Let me assure you, I know when enough is enough, I really do. I also know when a nap is critical. And after things slow down in mid-October, my schedule will all of a sudden become much easier to handle...and the theory is I'll be able to manage it so much easier than before. I'm learning something from all of this, I really am. I'm not enduring this extreme schedule without learning some valuable lessons along the way. So it's all good.

Since I'm critically crunched for time and sleep is far too important, allow me to re-post one of my favorite blogs from the past 374 days. The following excerpt was from Day 135 titled “ A Thank You Letter To Morbid Obesity.” It was an exercise in positive thinking and I didn't realize how powerful it was to me until I had posted the thing on that cold January night. I couldn't even read it without bursting into tears. This blog has been such wonderful therapy for me. Here we go:

Every now and then I challenge myself to really think on a deep level. I strive for a better understanding of behavior. I try to dissect things on a psychological level, and since I have no formal education in psychology, I can come to some pretty far out reasonings. It doesn't really matter if I'm right or wrong because these are studies within myself. Today I started thinking about how it's good to find the positive side of all things. Even things that can't possibly have a good side, if you look hard enough, maybe it does. I hit a wall when I thought about applying this positive philosophy to being morbidly obese. By the way, I use the term “morbidly obese” because I hate that term. I don't like the way it sounds at all, and the first time a doctor used that term I thought he was making fun of me! To me, it was the same as him saying I was “disgustingly obese,” and when the term used is “grotesquely obese,” well that's even worse. If the doctor would have said “Sean, you are “making me want to throw up obese” it would have felt the same. Isn't “gross” short for grotesque? I've had both terms used on me by medical professionals and they were perfectly in line with medical terms. How could I find the good in my life long career of being “morbidly grotesque?” Ooh, combining the two is even worse. Anyway, I thought long and hard and finally came up with this: My “thank you” letter to morbid obesity.

Dear Morbid Obesity,

You suck. Sorry about that, it just popped out. Let me start again.

Dear Morbid Obesity,

Thank you for teaching me how to be compassionate toward others. By making me different and the subject of so much weight related bullying as a kid, you taught me to always care about other peoples feelings. Thank you for making me unique in an age when I was often the only fat kid in class, because it gave me added attention that I may have felt was lacking in other parts of my life. Thank you for giving me a very strong opinion against discrimination in all it's forms. By showing me the pain of being discriminated against based solely on my looks, you taught me to never judge a person based on appearance. Thank you for giving me the defense mechanism of a good sense of humor. Although it was sometimes masking emotional pain, laughter and making others laugh has always carried me through. Thank you for protecting me from every dangerous thing I would have tried had I been able to fit on that ride, or into that harness, or on that horse, or in that sports car, or whatever the dangerous situation could have been, you were there keeping me safe inside your embrace. Thank you for giving me a fashion sense born from complete insecurity. I know you don't give this fashion sense to every morbidly obese person, but it kept me from further ridicule because I never wore things too small, ever. You saved me from the spandex revolution, how can I properly thank you for that? To make me want to wear a big jacket when it was ninety degrees outside just to cover my boy boobs, well I have no choice but to conclude that you must love me more than other fat people, because if I had a dollar for every morbidly obese person I've witnessed in spandex and a shirt three sizes too small, I'd be wealthy. Thank you for giving me the ability to spot shallowness in others. I'll never forget the first time I was completely rejected by a girl who said out loud, in class “eeewwww, I would never go out with you.” She didn't take the time to see the good guy I was inside, to look into my heart and see the eighth grader that would have cherished her and respected her in a most grateful 8th grader way. She was shallow and without you I may not of recognized that side of humanity for many years. Without this “shallowness radar,” I may never have recognized the pure spirit in the eyes and heart of Irene Brake, my high school sweetheart and wife of nearly twenty years. Most of all, thank you for my life. Without you I don't know if my path would have been the same. Would I have my family that I hold so dear? Would I have found a career that felt so perfect for me, a career that allowed me to hide behind a microphone and communicate with people without them being able to see me? Without you, maybe, just maybe I would have become a complete jerk. Thank you for bringing me to this point in my life and keeping me in one piece along the way. But despite the flood of gratitude in this letter, you know your days are numbered here. We can't continue our relationship. Morbid obesity, I'm slowly shrinking out of you. I'm moving on to a life free of all the dangerous effects of our relationship. But I'll never forget all of the wonderful things you taught me, and for that I thank you from the bottom of my overworked heart.

Sincerely,
Sean

Nearly two hundred and forty days later, I still have a hard time reading that without getting seriously emotional. Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

Exercise is not optional

At least once a week someone will ask me what motivates me to exercise. They want to know my secret. When I tell them I like how it makes me feel, or I want to live longer and be healthier, keep my weight down, wear cute clothes, they nod in agreement, but I can tell they don't really get it. They still want to know how I do it.

I wish I did have a secret to share with people, that would motivate them to exercise. There just isn't any secret, but there are a few things I can share that might help.

When I weighed 240 pounds it hurt a lot to exercise. I would feel a pain in my chest, my asthma would flare up and I could barely breathe, my feet would ache and hurt, even on the elliptical machine. It was pure and utter torture. In the beginning I would only do cardio for 30 minutes, four days a week. Every day I thought I was going to die. Every day, I wanted to die.

As much as I hated it in the beginning, I knew not exercising wasn't an option for me. I was 53 at the time (19 months ago) and knew the importance of exercise for someone my age. I didn't want to be one of those frail, old ladies that can barely walk. That's not for me.

I kept telling myself that working out was just something I had to do every day, like brushing and flossing my teeth, I have to work my body.

As the weight started coming off, it got a little bit easier, but not a lot. When I had lost forty pounds and added in some weight training I could actually work out for an hour. It still kind of hurt, especially my left foot. I don't know what was wrong with it, but it hurt like the devil. My foot doesn't hurt at all now and my asthma has dissappeared.

When I got down to 180 pounds I hired a personal trainer. This was the thing that really got me hooked on strength training and doing interval cardio. She showed me several stength exercises and how to maintain proper form. She also had me workout on every piece of equipment in the gym. Having a personal trainer was the smartest and best thing I've ever done for myself. I should have done it sooner.

A couple tips on hiring a personal trainer. First of all, don't just walk into your gym and say you want to hire a trainer and slap down $110 an hour for ten sessions. Yes, they really wanted $1,100 from me and that was for the "cheap" trainer. Crazy! I almost did it, but after watching the trainers at my gym standing around with their clients with bored looks on their faces, I thought no way was I going to pay someone to do that.

I was lucky because I got to know my aerobics instructor at the YMCA I was going to at the time (I had two gym memberships for about a year). She was an amazing aerobics teacher. I totally loved her enthusiasm. She had a great personality, was funny and put together really fun workouts with great music. When I found out she also did personal training I hired her immediately. Through the YMCA the sessions were only $30. Ten sessions for $300. The deal of a lifetime.

Search around to find someone you like. Before you hire the person, interview them, watch them on the job, training someone. Do they act like they care or do they act like they'd really rather be somewhere else? I can't imagine anything worse than working out with a trainer that doesn't have a sincere interest in helping you.

I really think exercise is the key to this whole thing of losing weight and keeping it off. Even though my eating hasn't been perfect, and I still have weight to lose, I've been in the same 10-pound range for nine months. Probably the longest I've ever kept off a significant amount of weight.

So if you're struggling with the idea of exercise, all I can say is yes, it's hard, it hurts, it's not fun in the beginning. Actually it was a little piece of hell on earth, but after a few months it gets easier. You just have to do it, it's not optional.

Day -- I don't know anymore & yes, yes, yes!

Yes, I deleted my last two posts. I re-read them and didn't like what I wrote. They never happened.

Yes, I changed my blog design, again. The hot pink/red color made me nauseous .

Yes, going to bed earlier works wonders. I can't make it by 9 p.m., but two of the last three nights I was in bed by 9:30 p.m. I feel so much better.

Yes, I'm counting calories now. I'm writing down every bite. I've done this for three days and it's helping. This is easy because I know the calorie count of almost every food. It's really the same as tracking online, but writing it down is making a difference. I'm not sure why it's working, but I'm not going to analyze it.

Yes, I've been binge-free for three whole nights. Not even any late night snacking. It's a miracle. I feel very much in control of my eating these last few days.

Yes, I'm still working out like a crazy woman. An hour and a half, six days a week. Still in love with Sadie.

Yes, I'm still doing Weight Watchers. Someone asked about the graph on my Saturday post and that's from the online weight tracker. I just love giving them $40 a month, as I've done for the past 19 months. I've missed the last two meetings but I'm going on Saturday.

The best yes...on Monday the scale said 169.8. This morning it was 163.6. YES!

~Diana
163.6

p.s. I read a post within the last few days, the person had taken a seminar on the power of positive thinking. They talked about the S.O.S. plan. I don't remember where I read it, but thank you!

Day 373 Never Forget and The Missed Workouts

Day 373

Never Forget and The Missed Workouts

I ran into an acquaintance at Wal-Mart this afternoon who hadn't seen me in a while. I guess it's been a few months. This transformation has really taken dramatic strides in the last ninety days, so her reaction was “look at you—still doing great I see!” We exchanged pleasantries and as I walked away she said “Have you forgotten what you use to feel like?” I turned and smiled, then replied, “Oh no, I'll never forget.” I never will forget what it felt like to be and live at over 500 pounds. I was there too long, I became a pro at navigating the restrictions. I had just accepted the role. With it came a long list of things I couldn't do, places I wouldn't fit, feelings of self-hatred, and scary feelings of uncertainty concerning my own mortality. I was miserable all the time, even though I could put on a smile and pretend I was comfortable in most any situation. I wasn't happy with myself at all, ever. I was just existing, getting by, surviving. I would go long stretches where losing weight was the absolute furthest thing from my mind. However, my misery was always on my mind and still I couldn't have cared less about the behaviors that kept me in that state, a tragic combination indeed. So, no...I'll never forget. Just can't.

Always remembering where I've been makes me extremely understanding and compassionate to those who are still imprisoning themselves. And yes, we do it to ourselves. It doesn't matter our circumstances, our behaviors, our emotions...it's our own doing. And we're the only ones that can change it.

I've once again missed my workout today. That makes about seven, maybe eight in the last couple of weeks. It's not good at all. I feel like I'm losing still, and that's great, but I know how important a consistent workout effort is when it comes to my ultimate goal. I'm really embarrassed by this major discrepancy in my performance lately. I'm not proud of this at all. But, (look out, here comes a good excuse, right?) BUT---I've made my schedule too tight, and when it's this crunched, things can't help but suffer. My workouts have been the hardest hit.
So as we approach the 280's, I must make a promise to myself right now to always get in some kind of exercise. Nothing crazy, just some kind of movement. Just like I tell people who are starting out, move! Anything helps the process, and it feels really good!

Courtney prepared dinner tonight. She made us a lean hamburger patty with baked crinkle cut fries. The beef was that 93/7 blend I've talked about before—only 160 calories per serving. The entire plate came in at under 400 calories.

The goatee is gone. I have to shave it for the play and now was the time. As much as I complained about it at first, I kind of miss the thing. It'll be back in early November, no problem. I'll have to post a “below 300 without a goatee” picture soon. Maybe along with the “Lost” before picture I re-discovered today. This “before” picture is a big full-body shot standing next to a 210 pound 5'10” ---and i still make him look tiny. I'll get it posted soon.

The Diane—Fit To The Finish interview is still in need of editing, but will be posted in the next couple of days.

I'm headed to bed. Thank you for reading! And welcome to all of the new readers, including my cousin Debbie. She's been a Myspace reader from Day 1. Today was her first visit to this blog! Welcome Debbie! Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 372 Lost Monday and The "Call Me Henry" Audio Trailer

Day 372

Lost Monday and The “Call Me Henry” Audio Trailer

I can't complain about my schedule, it's my own doing. It doesn't really give much room for error and I really need room for error! Anyway, we're managing. It might be busy, but it's certainly rewarding. Last year at this time I couldn't imagine doing the things I'm getting to do now. This is living, perhaps at a little faster pace than is healthy, but it's living. It's like I'm a little kid on a candy store shopping spree and I'm in the biggest hurry to grab as much and do as much as I can. I have to remember, I'm not under a timer. I can still do everything I want to do in time, just not all at once.

I'm really getting excited about the play. It's a time commitment that I probably shouldn't have made, but I did, and I'll commit 110% till the very end. The play is so rewarding for me and it's something I would have never done at over 500 pounds, so it really means a lot to me. Last night at rehearsal, we spent our time away from the stage—and into the studio producing an audio trailer for the production. This kind of production is becoming a trend in theatre around this part of the country. It was very fun, but very time consuming. The two minute twenty-four second trailer took five hours to fully produce. Recording each actor, selecting the music, making sure that my “announcer” part sounded different from “Hank,” and then putting it all together under the direction of Chris Williams was a task for sure, but now that it's done, well worth the effort. Very dramatic, very effective. You can listen to the trailer, just click play on the divShare mp3 player located directly under the list of “Weight Loss Superheroes” on the left hand side of this blog page.

By the time my Monday turned into Tuesday, it became an easy decision to get sleep before attempting to write anything. The plan was to jump up early and write before leaving this morning, but I was too tired to even hear the alarm until I had just enough time to get to the studio.

We have had a “Flat-Out” and Joseph's Pita crisis lately. Wal-Mart hasn't had them in stock! There's still a place for them on the shelf, but they haven't had any for over a week. We grabbed a low cal-whole wheat tortilla to substitute, but it's not the same! I spoke with a manager and he told me they would probably get them back in not long, I certainly hope so!
I recently discovered the tastiness of a mushroom and pepper jack omelet. Wonderful flavor and only 150 calories total! Had one yesterday and today!

It feels so good on this long and winding road out of morbid obesity. By the way, I found another “Lost” before picture, I'll post that one real soon. Good day and...

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 371 Maintaining The Original Purpose and Mirror Therapy

Day 371

Maintaining The Original Purpose and Mirror Therapy

I've been getting congratulations lately from many friends concerning the fact that I officially crossed the 200 followers mark. (Warning: Ego talking next!) Of course I know that many more people read this blog than 200. Why, just around Oklahoma locally, I'm sure that hundreds, no thousands---make this blog a part of their daily routine. A dose of weight loss inspiration to keep them going, or perhaps get them back on track. OK, maybe not “thousands,” But hundreds? OK, maybe tens of readers read without ever clicking the follow button. But officially, it's over 200, we know that for sure. Very nice, but...

It's very important to always maintain a level head about that number. The writing of the blog is the most important thing. The readership of the blog is great, but it's not the most important thing. I encourage people to write everyday about their weight loss journey. If you can really open up and be completely honest with yourself about this road you're on, about where you've been, and where you want to go, then it can really be therapeutic. This self-honesty should never be altered or compromised for the sake of satisfying readers. This blog is for me. That's how it started and that's how it is to this day. The fact that many say that they find inspiration within these writings is a wonderful bonus reward. It really fills me with joy.

You might be surprised to know that up until somewhere around day 200, This blog had less than 10 “official” followers. I didn't have a follow button displayed prominently on the page at all. I posted day in and day out, often times going ten, twenty, even thirty days without a comment on the “global” version. I have to distinguish between the myspace version and the content-identical blogspot version, because my cousin Debbie has commented almost every single day of this journey. You don't see her comments very often because it's always on myspace. Proof of this can be found by going back in the archives and reading from Day 1. Notice how many posts have zero comments, there's a bunch. Some of the most critical days on this road, some of the biggest epiphanies in the last 371 Days have come and gone without a comment one. But those comment-less days still did exactly what was intended. They taught me something, sometimes ground-breaking---that's right, earth shattering things about myself. I'm overjoyed that my experiences might inspire someone else too. But you know what? If I lost every single reader tomorrow, I'd still write the same blog everyday. That's important.

I attended a dance workshop today. It was a workshop sponsored by ReAct, the same organization producing “Call Me Henry,” the play I'm doing right now. I walked into the class and discovered that the wall was just one big mirror. Great! It's like seeing yourself as someone across the room. I don't think I could've handled this at 505 pounds, but today I did. Despite my success, it was still hard. But the more I looked at that guy across the room today, the more I realized how happy I am with him. I do like what I see in that mirror. That guy is really getting there. That guy has completely changed his appearance, and it's wonderful. With a picture, you can just put it away, or scroll-click your way away from it, but in that dance workshop today---I couldn't escape myself. There I was. That's what I really look like now. The mirror doesn't lie, well...at least this one doesn't. That was really me over there dancing to Huey Lewis and The News music. Me? Dancing? The new experiences never stop it seems. “Mirror therapy,” that's what I call what I did today. And it was good. Real good. I needed to see myself like that. I needed to put to rest my impatient expectations and realize and enjoy the incredible progress I've achieved. That wonderful transformation was staring back at me for over two hours.

I packed a lunch to eat between the workshop and play rehearsal tonight. It was a 400 calorie pack of cantaloupe, a Nutri-Grain bar, and a ham and cheese wrap on a whole wheat tortilla. It was really good stuff. By the time play rehearsal was over I still had 680 calories remaining for the day. Lauren brought some of her birthday cake to play practice to share with everyone. And when she proclaimed that she didn't want to take the last piece of chocolate cake home, so somebody better eat it...I knew that it was time for me to step up! It was a really small piece. I had half of it. The half with icing, yes...chocolate icing. It was small enough that counting it as 100 calories is probably an over-estimate, but that's alright. It was very good. Happy birthday Lauren.

I better wrap this edition now. I've got to get my Monday started! Thanks for reading! Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 370 Transformation of Confidence and A Legendary Saturday Evening

Day 370

Transformation of Confidence and A Legendary Saturday Evening

My Saturday morning started with preparing omelets for our guest. I love doing this. It's funny, I use to pride myself on making the biggest, fluffiest, most calorie laden omelets you ever put a fork into, now---well, it's the complete opposite. Oh don't get me wrong, my omelets are still filling and incredibly awesome, they just have an amazingly low calorie value! I can make a 161 calorie omelet that will trick your brain into thinking it's at least three or four hundred. We enjoyed Southwestern Omelets this morning. Each one contained three egg whites (51 calories), a veggie blend of mushrooms, onions, and green bell pepper (15 calories), ½ ounce of thinly sliced low-fat part skim mozzarella (35 calories), and a few strips of Southwestern marinated chicken breast (60 calories). Salt and pepper to taste and there you have it...a 161 calorie feast of a breakfast that leaves you full and completely satisfied. The tricks? I use zero calorie non-stick cooking spray instead of real butter. I didn't use any milk this time. And the biggest difference: Seventeen calorie egg whites instead of seventy calorie whole eggs! Thanks again Linda S. for the egg separators, I use them everyday! Instead of getting “oohs and ahs” over the massiveness and cheesy oozeiness of my omelets, I get even more “oohs and ahs” now over the incredibly delicious, perfectly filling, and unbelievably low calorie count. I like that much better!

After breakfast we conducted a table reading of a screenplay Irene and I authored back in 2003-2004. It's called “Harlem To The Hills,” and it's a wonderful comedy with an awesome message. We forgot how funny it was until we had Rachel and Neal's reaction. They loved it! Seriously, they really did. We really didn't plan on reading the whole thing, but Rachel and Neil were emotionally involved with the characters, they had to know how it ended! So we did it all.

I mention that screenplay for one reason. You see, that screenplay has collected dust for nearly six years. We spent countless hours writing, rewriting, and rewriting a few times more over a period of a year to get that thing finished, and then we just let it sit in a drawer. Why? Why wouldn't we at least put some kind of effort into pitching this work? The answer: Zero self-confidence. Zero. Losing weight and feeling great makes us want to live, it gives us a confidence we've never known, it's shows us how we have limited ourselves in the past and how anything is possible in the future. When you're carrying around so much excess weight, it can completely strip your self-confidence and negatively effects anything and everything you do. The rewards of losing weight and finally feeling good about ourselves, positively effects everything we do, touch, see, feel, and think. There's no guarantee that this screenplay will ever see the silver screen, the reality is: very few do, even really good ones and that's not being negative—that's just the challenging reality screenwriters face, but you can bet it will not be for lack of trying. And someday, when time affords us the luxury, we'll write more. There's plenty to write about in the idea drawer of our minds.

Speaking of self-confidence, Courtney just got home from her friends house and proudly and confidently announced her break-up with her boyfriend. It wasn't a hard thing for her to do. The boy is a good kid, and she said he took it well. She's focusing on her right now. Her weight loss and fitness journey, her school work, it's all prioritized above a boyfriend right now. This is Courtney time. She's a smart girl. I don't know how we did it, raising these smart, level headed kids, but I give Irene the biggest share of the credit. We're very proud of them both. I hope Courtney's ex-boyfriend is really taking this well. I'm confident he doesn't read these writings, but just in case: It wasn't you, it was her. (by the way---I didn't care for the picture I found of you kissing her—eyes closed, really? What were you thinking about? Never mind---don't answer that.) Listen, Courtney is sailing my friend, sailing with a confidence she's never known. Through good choices, she's navigating toward the Courtney she wants to become, one day at a time, one good choice at a time. And right now that sail boat is just big enough for her and all of her hopes and dreams. Someday she'll get a bigger boat.

Irene and I spent the evening enjoying a couple of musical stars. The radio station I work for was sponsoring a concert at the Poncan Theatre tonight and I was asked to MC the show. Becky Hobbs was the opening act. Becky enjoyed tremendous success as a solo artist on the country charts, and superstar success as a writer of hit songs for the likes of Conway Twitty, George Jones, and Alabama. She's the writer of Alabama's touching song “Angels Among Us.” The headlining act was Wanda Jackson. She was recently inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. She dated Elvis! It was so amazing to watch her perform. Even in her older years, she hasn't lost her voice---not even a little. She was a pleasure to work with last night and was as nice as can be. It was fun to introduce Irene to her and Becky. We took pictures, they're posted below!

I've included a head shot of me on stage at the Poncan Theatre at over 500 pounds. I tried to find some full body before pictures of me on stage there, and I know they exist, but the closest I came was a shot of me with dear momma in front of the marquee with my name “in lights.”

The director of the theatre introduced me to the audience and prior to this, he insisted on talking about my weight loss. I told him no. I didn't want him to mention it because this show wasn't about me, it was about these talented performers. I'm there to talk about and introduce the artist, not talk about my weight loss success. I wasn't performing, I was announcing. But still, Dave insisted. He strolled out in front of the hundreds in attendance and dropped the “he's lost 213 pounds.” Even though I didn't want him to do it, I must admit—The collective reaction from a crowd of that size is something very cool indeed. The thundering ovation was just short of standing. It was an amazing feeling.

During intermission I was approached by a nice lady who introduced herself as a doctor. She's a retired Psychiatrist. I hadn't met her before, and it was an honor to meet her tonight. She told me that she came to my stand-up performance in June of 2008 when I was at my heaviest and she just couldn't believe the difference in me tonight. She was heavy too, and shared with me that she could tell that I was never comfortable using so much weight related material. She was full of praise, and then shared with me some delightful news. She's lost forty pounds and is losing sixty more! I'm so happy for her. She really made me feel like a million bucks with her compliments. Thank you doctor!

Irene and I absolutely loved the show! After hanging out to chat and take pictures, we headed home for a late dinner and a night of running lines for “Call Me Henry.” We ended up hitting the hay at four in the morning.

I know that my weekends have developed a habit of posting the next day for the day before instead of the night of. I hope you'll forgive me. It's a product of this crazy schedule I've created. The wonderful thing is this: It's a temporary time crunch, seriously. After the schedule returns to a more manageable one, I'll be able to re-prioritize everything important to me, putting it all back in it's proper place and perspective.

The Diane—Fit To The Finish Interview is waiting to be edited and ready for “air” around Tuesday or Wednesday. It was a wonderful interview and I can't wait for you to listen! The promotional announcement is loaded into the divShare player in the upper left hand side of this page. I hope you give it a listen.

My mom asked me, “so—how was Frontier City?” Oh yeah! I forgot to mention that we changed the date for that amusement park adventure. We're now shooting for the 26th instead. I completely forgot that I had mentioned the 19th as the day of our trip. We postponed it about a week ago when we realized some serious scheduling conflicts, like M.C.ing the concert tonight. I'm so looking forward to that trip. You talk about freedom to live, freedom to fit in, freedom to enjoy ourselves. Oh my, this transformation thing is all about freedom! Thanks for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


Before—On stage head shot at over 500 pounds.


My dear Mom and Me—Under the marquee with my name. Both at our highest weight a couple of years ago.


A random before picture-- Age 14—with Aunt Kelli. I couldn't have been too much smaller than I am now. That's my Vespa. No wonder I was a fat kid. All the other kids had bicycles, I had a motorized bike. Pedaling was for sissys...slim and trim sissys.


On stage tonight. Side view---I love it! I can't believe that's me up there!


Another stage shot from tonight.


Out of focus—but still revealing of my slimmer appearance.


Irene and me with recording artist and hit songwriter Becky Hobbs.


The two of us with Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Wanda Jackson!


Wanda Jackson's autographed picture.

Day 22: Choices

It is what it is. A gain of 7.6 pounds in two weeks. Weekly average loss since Feb 9, 2008 - 0.9 lbs. per week.

Let me go back over the last two weeks and see what I shouldn't have done (this is just a sample of my bad choices).

1. Beer - 9 Points
2. Skinny Cow Mint ice cream sandwiches, six in one night (crack) - 17 Points
3. Weight Watchers Cookies 'n Cream ice cream bars, six in one night (more crack) - 17.5 Points

Stupidity - priceless.

New day, new week, and all that other crappola I spout all the time.

I read several blog posts the last few days that talked about choices, making the right ones. I made some really bad choices last week. Part one of my plan is to make better ones this week.

Part two of my plan is to go to bed by 9pm. Since my crazy eating happens between 10pm and midnight, what if...I was asleep?! I'm brilliant!

~Diana
166.6