Day 1,329 Dynamics of Maintaining

Day 1,329

Dynamics of Maintaining

When I hit goal in November 2010, I had the benefit of twenty-six months and a day to prepare me for the next phase of the rest of my life: Maintaining my weight loss.

Had my focus been heavy on the food and exercise fundamentals instead of the mental dynamics along the way, this may have been an anxiety filled idea.  Would I spend the rest of my life constantly balancing my food intake with exercise in a never ending pursuit of keeping the weight off?  The answer is yes and no.

Yes--Because eating and exercise will be two things I do forever.
No--Because I've changed my relationship with food.

The illusion that food somehow makes my troubles and stress easier to handle is gone.  The tendency to abuse food like a drug is gone.  Does this mean it's some kind of effortless day to day existence?

Not at all.

I'm human.  I have cravings.  I love the taste of food.  The difference now is this: Instead of making food my number one focus and my number one go-to in the face of stress and emotions of every kind, I simply appreciate food and what it does for me.  I don't ask food to be something it isn't.  Food isn't a therapist.  Food doesn't fix anything other than my hunger and nutritional needs.  When I stopped putting inappropriate and unrealistic expectations on food, things started dramatically changing inside my head.

Figuring out the boundaries of "normal" portions was an educational process.  I always figured my giant 1/2 plate of mashed potatoes loaded with gravy neatly filling up the hole I made in the middle, was perfectly normal.  Discovering I was capable of enjoying a third of this in a regular portion was key for me.
I've written about my favorite foods before.  These favorites are foods I'm extremely cautious around: Peanut butter, cottage cheese, cheese of any kind and ice cream.  I recently threw away a jar of peanut butter from my pantry after a few spoonful trips.  Was it bad, these 100-200 calorie spoonful snacks?  Nutritional speaking, not at all.  Mentally speaking, yes.  I know my history with these favorites, so I'm ultra aware of my behaviors around them.  And this self-analysis is unique to each of us--and very important to assess, acknowledge, understand and monitor.

As long as I'm treating food the way it should be treated: Eating normal portions at appropriate times, then I don't have regaining issues or anxiety.  This isn't to say that my weight doesn't fluctuate to a degree.  Sure it does, especially if I'm missing too many workouts.  But the comfort is this: If my size 36 jeans start to get a little tight, I'm confident it's from lack of exercise and not because of my behaviors with food.

Separating stress and emotions from our daily behaviors with food is imperative to our success.  But how?  For me, it was writing.  The therapy found in writing out my feelings; dissecting my behaviors and really getting to the bottom of my motivations, has been and continues to be a stringent test of self-honesty.  I've recently learned about how every behavior, every action meets some kind of need.  What are we really after?  I highly recommend writing everyday in an effort to sort out these things.  And if you have the luxury of a professional therapist, that's awesome too.

The key to maintaining my weight loss is squarely on my ability to understand my needs in coping with stress and emotions.  I must always understand food's role and my role.  Food isn't a therapist.  Food doesn't fix my issues within.  It's my responsibility to work on my issues in handling and understanding stress and emotions in a very direct way.  Food cannot and will not be used as an escape from this responsibility ever again.

A normal day for me starts with breakfast.  I prepare a protein rich breakfast balanced with some fruit and yogurt most of the time.  I love the calorie value of egg whites, I do.  My breakfast calories usually run somewhere between 250-350 calories.  I pack some good snacks to take with me.  I often cut up an apple, grab an extra banana, fill a baggie with baby carrots and take along an extra yogurt.  These snacks serve me throughout the day.  And as long as I turn to them more often than a handful of salty snacks found in the break room, I'm winning.  Dinner can be a challenge sometimes.  My goal is to eventually eat only lean meats, fruits and veggies.  I'm not there yet.  But I do okay.  I occasionally eat out--and when I do, I'm always looking for the best calorie value on the menu--as long as it's something I enjoy.  I refuse to eat something I don't enjoy simply because it's a great calorie value.  I'm at my best when I fire up the grill and I enjoy veggies I never would have consumed before.  I can't believe I actually like asparagus and yellow squash.  I do!  It's an amazing evolution of good choices, because "old" Sean wouldn't ever allow those things to cross his lips.  Back then, I was too busy devouring everything else.

I tend to watch my calories to the point of appearing obsessive.  I consume somewhere between 1700 and 2200 calories per day.  But every now and then, I come up short.  It's those days where I have to remind myself to eat more in a very normal and healthy way.  Imagine that!  This is nuts for me considering my past, but it's a pleasant reality.

The tendency to self-destruct or hold myself back--oh, it's still in there.  But it manifests in other areas.  I've clearly not achieved a level of physical fitness I would prefer.  And my development in relationships and in my business aspirations is often stunted by my tendency to turn around and go back to my comfort zone.

This "comfort" zone is rarely comfortable, but it's very familiar.  It's what we've always known.  Any change from what we've always known creates anxiety--and anxiety sucks.  To avoid this feeling, it's easier to revert back into old habits and behaviors.  Even though it's a place we might not like, we do it because it's familiar---we know what to expect.  The fear of the unknown is a horrible beast.

The above described process of almost "getting there" and retreating to what's familiar, is exactly the dynamic ending so many attempts to choose change.

Recognizing how we create this "fear," acknowledging and embracing our "iron-clad" decision to change and deciding right here and now that we will not allow any excuse or rationalization to send us backward, is all crucial.  And it's all practice.  Because as long as we're willing to change and we're willing to be open minded about the dynamics of it all, then we're always learning and most importantly: Growing.  In my experiences I've discovered a gradual evolution of good choices.  It couldn't be a sudden and unnatural change of everything I had become.  I've moved forward because I allowed a confident patience to accompany my journey.  Someday I'll be the man who eats clean and runs everyday.  Until then, I'm just Sean--the guy who eats reasonably and exercises regularly and maintains a 275 pound weight loss.

Speaking of exercise: I've really increased my efforts lately.  This week I've already accomplished two 5K's and a spinning class.  My evolution in exercise hasn't been the same as it has in the food department.  I have to push myself to give it more.  I have to remind myself to throw away the excuses and rationalizations allowing me off the hook.  I also understand how important exercise is to my ability to maintain.  It's crucial.

My sincere apologies for assuming everyone who reads here also reads my facebook "micro-blogs." I admire your decision to live without facebook.  I have a really good friend who recently decided to leave facebook and he's much happier!  I guess it all depends on your perspective.  I use it as a way to communicate what I've learned and am learning along this road---and what I'm up to in terms of my career.
Your support for me is greatly appreciated and I vow to continue making strides in keeping content up on this blog, regularly.

Below is some recent facebook "micro-blogs." Often, we start some good discussions from these--and really, that's why I like to post them!

"The endless offerings promise quick results. I certainly don't argue their claims. If the goal is simply to lose weight; get smaller as quickly as possible, you have some shopping to do! If you're tired of losing and gaining over and over and you want real weight loss success once and for all, you don't need to go shopping. You already own everything you need for the weight loss success of your dreams. It's in you. Your sincere acknowledgment of the power you possess, starts a wonderful transformation. You're choosing to fix the cause instead of simply treating the side effects. Any “solution” that doesn't include this self-examination and acknowledgment is temporary. Like constantly cleaning up a spill without ever capping the source."

"Your transformation is powerful. As you become physically smaller your world becomes bigger. You start noticing things you didn't before. You develop a deeper understanding and appreciation of the road behind, giving you a new perspective on the road ahead. You're able to zero in on the present and make choices, one by one, with a confident patience for results. And it's not just you, because everyone around you is affected by your transformation in some way, and this effect is beyond your control or responsibility. You embody inspiration. You're amazing. You're powerful. This IS you."

"I lost and gained weight for years before shifting my perspective enough to find a very different result. If a different result was desired I had to change my perspective about what it takes for lasting success. Never before had I considered the truth of my behaviors with food. The life-changing epiphany was about focusing on me and the compulsions leading me astray every time, instead of putting all of my energy into the food, exercise and constantly struggling to balance on a high wire of frustration. My relationship with ME improved and the food and exercise naturally followed in line. Trying to do it the other way around, would have been a constant struggle—just like every other time in my past. This time had to be different."

"Weight loss brings freedom physically. More important than this physical freedom, is the mental freedom our good choices provide. To me, it's about doing things that make me feel good about myself and my development. Because really, it comes down to how we feel about ourselves. If we feel bad about ourselves, the effects compound and lead to making more self-defeating poor choices. We have the power to change the momentum with our good choices. The more we make, the better we feel about ourselves—and one leads to another. Suddenly we realize we can choose to be our own best friend. Physical freedom is amazing--especially when it's accompanied and protected by mental freedom. It all starts with one good choice, then another, and..."

"The biggest difference between this time and every other? This time I identified, acknowledged and focused intensely on the number one obstacle to lasting success. It wasn't about finding the right “diet,” it was about finding this critical element completely responsible for sabotaging every other attempt. I'm still learning about this “element.” The study never ends and that's a good thing. Positively transforming an enemy into an ally takes consistent effort. The biggest reward is freedom. And the biggest obstacle was always...ME."

Before I wrap this post--I want to invite you to my redesigned website www.transformationroad.com I hope you'll visit--and if you're on facebook, please click the "like" button at the top of my website homepage.

Thank you for reading!  If you have any questions of me, you can leave them in the comments or privately send me an email to: sean@transformationroad.com

Good Choices,

Sean 

This audio is 27 minutes from my speaking event at the Stillwater, Oklahoma YMCA from January of this year:

Things that made me smile today...

I've seen this before, but when I saw it on a grandniece's Facebook today it made me laugh out loud. She's 21, has a four-year old, going through a divorce, works 30 hours a week at a nursing home, and goes to nursing school full time.

After my 13-hour work day today, I can't sleep so I was watching Jay Leno (way past my normal beditme), and he mentioned this video. Very cool and very sweet.



Still hanging in there, trying my best to get through one day at a time. Work is killing me!

Day 1,323 An Acknowledgement and Sincere Thank You

Day 1,323

An Acknowledgement and Sincere Thank You

It's become very easy for me to simply share my daily thoughts on facebook instead of sitting down and writing a blog post.  I've referred to the facebook offerings as "micro-blogs," and they are indeed.  We sometimes start very healthy discussions on that page all about the dynamics involved.  It's quick, it's interesting and it saves me time as I juggle a full time broadcasting career along with developing everything "change" related I desire to experience and share.  You see, at some point I convinced myself that writing this blog meant spending several hours in front of the screen--and it doesn't need to be like that.  It just needs to be current and real.  Each post doesn't have to be 15,000 words.  Quality over quantity, if you will.

Of course--it's the "quality over quantity" rationale I've used to justify my absence from these pages since I ceased daily updates in August 2010.  Isn't it a bit arrogant of me to think I've covered all the bases in the archives?  We have come a long way, a very long way--and for those who have read every single entry, you know--there's value in the archives.  For someone like me, who's truly passionate about what I speak and write, I must not rest on what's already written and explored, because we both know--There's much more to discuss; topics that deserve a little more than a few lines on a facebook status update. I'm constantly learning, appreciating and understanding.

I'm approaching a year and a half since hitting goal.  I've found peace in maintaining, where it's not the struggle I once imagined because my food addiction/compulsive and emotional eating behaviors have transformed into a healthy relationship and understanding.  Yet, instead of transforming this blog into a weight maintenance blog (something I proclaimed I would)--I've used it as a platform for occasionally reinforcing the lessons learned along the way, but little in the way of current day happenings and discipline.

This isn't an apology for lack of current content.  Lord knows I've devoted energy to writing my book, developing and understanding my ideas and dreams, producing, voicing and editing the soon to be available audio version and maintaining myself along the way. But this is an acknowledgement and a sincere thank you for your support and a declaration of continued upcoming content exploring the elements that make keeping the weight off not only possible, but enjoyable.

The truth is: I have a lot to learn. I have much room to grow.  And I couldn't be a more willing student.

This blog is easily the number one component of my success.  It will continue to be a major part of my future.

Good Choices,
Sean

The next Winning Loser update will discuss: My current personal daily habits with food and exercise and the reason why self-sabotage can be so inviting along this road--and what we can do to overcome the threat.  Stay tuned!


A "before" picture with Mom


Oh my word...I DON'T LIKE this one.  Also pictured: My daughter Courtney--who will kill me for publishing this photo and my late brother Shane. The mullet was not a good look for me. ;)


A recent speaking event in Rogers, Arkansas.  Amber joined me for this trip and we had an amazing father-daughter time.  We talked all the way there, met some amazing people at the NWA Mercy Family YMCA and discovered the stunning Crystal Bridges Museum of American Art.


This was snapped at grandma's 85th birthday party recently.  She's currently facing challenges and changes that have developed quickly.  Everyone in our family loves her dearly--and everyone is sharing support, love and prayers for her comfort.

Love the sunshine

My two hours of working on my sister's paperwork and trying to organize her business receipts for the tax accountant for her 2011 taxes (just got her 2010 a few weeks ago)  turned in six hours! I hate paperwork!

However, I love our weather and I'm heading outside in a few minutes. I can't decide whether to get my bike down and go for a ride or go to the gym. It would my first bike ride since August 6, 2011, when I broke my scaphoid bone in my wrist and wore a cast for three months. I'm a little apprehensive about getting on a bike.

I'll let you know tomorrow if it's the gym or the bike ride. Tomorrow is definitely a picnic down by the water with my sister. I finally got the disabled parking placard last week so we should be able to find parking (I hope!).

I'm on track with the calories today and wearing my BodyMedia. It said I only slept four hours last night. That explains why I woke up exhausted this morning. Not sure how I'm ever going to fix my sleep issues.

I can't wait to go outside!

Worth the fight

I'm starting to get back in the groove, but I forgot how much time it takes to track my food. Oh my gosh! Weighing and measuring, writing stuff on pieces of paper then putting it into the computer at night. How did I do this for most of four years?

Actually, I know the answer to that last question. I wasn't the legal guardian for my sister that had a debilitating stroke six months ago. She left behind a very complicated, messy financial situation that I'm still trying to sort through and take care of things. The dust will settle eventually, but I can't wait for that day. It's that old story, if I don't take care of myself, how can I make sure she's taken care of?

Tracking my food isn't really that terrible or difficult. I use the BodyMedia software, which I highly recommend. They've even enhanced it since I used it several months ago. You can customize the table by selecting ten nutrients to dispaly from a list of 26. I love this feature.

Below is my food for today. It's certainly far from perfect, but it's an improvement over the past weeks and months. There's too much processed food, and wine for 211 calories? What was I thinking?! When I was eating the food, I thought I was being healthy. I had no idea that some of what I was eating was a really poor choice. The total calories aren't too bad, 1541, but I really need to watch the fat and sodium (processed food).

I didn't wake up early enough for the gym this morning. I only had 45 minutes to spare before I had to get ready for work. That's not enough time to get to the gym and complete a decent workout. Instead, even though it was pouring down rain, I convinced my husband to go for a walk with me. He's not a very fast walker so it wasn't my normal heart-pumping workout, but it was kind of fun. We were both drenched by the time we got home.

As I was getting ready for work I broke out in hives and my upper lip, left side, started to swell up. This is the sixth time this has happened in the past two months (sometimes it's the left side for the lip and hives, sometimes the right side). This time it didn't last long and was mostly gone by the time I got to work. It seems like each time it's less severe than the last time. Still, it's very disturbing. I feel like my body is attacking me.

On that note, I should mention the life coach/therapist I was seeing. I quit after three sessions. As much as everyone thinks I need some sort of therapy, it's just not for me. Even though I was an acquaintance with this person and really like her, I didn't feel like it was helping me. The first session I was excited and it was fun, the second session, not so much, the third session I walked out knowing I'd never go back.

I know this is going to get easier. I've been here before. Several times I've lost and gained weight. This time just seems harder than all the other times before, and I don't know why. What I do know is that it's not optional. This weight is killing me, and I'm worth the fight.

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An afterthought:  I just remembered my phone has the BodyMedia app on it. I conveniently forgot. That should make tracking my food a lot easier!

Obese...

199.6

I know how it happened. I just can't believe that I let it happen. This is 100% on me. I did this to myself. There aren't any excuses for gaining almost 30 pounds in the past five months. I was 172 the beginning of November 2011, now I'm almost 200 pounds.

I'm trying to claw my way out of this mess. It's really difficult. Everything is harder at this weight. I can't cross my legs. My clothes are all too small. I don't recognize myself in the mirror. Exercise is excruciatingly painful. The StairMaster, which was my favorite cardio machine is now a machine of torture. My knees hurt, my feet hurt, and most of all, my heart hurts. I've asked myself over and over, why?

The absolute worse part of this that on top of all the other things I have to worry about in my life, I added being fat to the list.

I'm working on it. Two days in a row at the gym, and I tracked my calories today (too high at 2,205). Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

What happened to day 3, 4, 5 and 6?

My daily posting and getting back on track my exercise and dieting just went all to hell this week.

Sunday was a day with my sister, Joyce, which sucks the life right out of me. I love her, I love taking her places and doing things with her, but it's hard to be with her for a long period of time. I'm getting better with the wheelchair transfers, her odd responses to things and her constant post-stroke nonsensical chatter. I don't want to discourage her talking because sometimes I hear a word that's familiar. So I do a lot of nodding and pretending I understand when really I don't have a clue what she's talking about. It's still hard for me, and I know it's hard for her.

Then in Monday work hit me like a ton of bricks between the eyes. I still have to take a week of on-call every ten weeks. It's highly stressful. Getting called at odd hours to be told systems are down and there are flight delays and fees can't be charged to our customers is stressful.Tuesday turned out to be free checked bags day for several of our customers in several cities. It wasn't our software, but a vendor product we put into Prod that failed. Several other systems experienced slowdowns as well, unrelated to each other and it was just an all around bad Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday at work. At one point I had 34 tickets assigned to me. Very unusual.

Both Monday and Tuesday mornings at 6am I was ready for the gym, grabbing my purse to head out, and the on-call phone rang. That was the end of any thoughts of the gym as I started troubleshooting and making phone calls.

My eating has been out of control too. I'm not eating candy or anything unhealthy. Just too much food. Way too much food. I often work through lunch without even a break and suddenly realize it's 5pm and I haven't eaten all day, except for a small breakfast. I know this is wrong and very unhealthy. This has been going on for weeks because all co-workers on my project do the same thing. They don't even leave their desk during lunch. Since we're all sequestered in a room to hurry up and finish the project we're on, it's very heads down coding.  Very little talk, and no breaks. Sort of reminds me of prison. I can't wait until this project is over and I can move back into my little cubicle and eat carrots without people listening to my crunching.

Today I promised myself: 1.) take a lunch 2.) get up and stretch for 5 minutes every hours 3.) only work 8 hours and 4.) the gym. (which is where I'm going right now!).

Tomorrow is day 7, and I promise I'll have a better attitude and post. 

I'm off the on-call rotation today, and I'm dressed for the gym, ready to go.No excuses.

Today will be a better day.

Day two and three fourths: What a day!

I haven't had a day like this in a long time. It was a series of unfortunate events.

I worked on my sister's paperwork for two hours, from 6am -8am, trying to get the Guardianship Implementation Plan and Inventory completed for the State of Alaska Courts. It's a detailed account of her life, and it's due May 28. Remember, she had and still has a complicated life. I hate working on it, but it has to be done.

Then my husband walked into my office at about 8am and asked what I had done with the coffee pot. When I told him I gave it to Goodwill two weeks ago, he flipped out. That was the start of World War III. He hadn't used it in over a year. It was collecting dust and it was in the way. It was old and gross. I'm in a "scaling down mode", so I'm giving away a lot of stuff lately. This makes him insane. He's a hoarder. We have an ongoing battle about "stuff". I'm not into it. I hate "stuff laying around, I hate clutter and knick knacks. He's the opposite. If it was up to him, he'd never throw anything away.

In retaliation, he proceeded to remove every item from the kitchen counters and walls. EVERYTHING. I didn't argue. I didn't fight. I simply don't have the energy. Actually, I like the look, even if there is an echo in there now. I asked him if we could redecorate the rest of the house like this. I like it. It looks like no one lives here. It's a good look. I think that just made him angrier. Oh well.

Then I went to my Weight Watchers meeting. They moved. Seriously, they moved and didn't tell me. I got there five minutes late, weighed in at 15 pounds heavier than my last weigh-in in December. 198.4. Ouch.

The meeting wasn't one of my favorites. We had to get in groups and talk about our most favorite possession. I don't have one so it was hard. My Kindle? People were saying their dogs or kids, which was very weird to me because I think of a "possession" as an inanimate object. It was just a strange meeting, even though it was with my favorite leader.

The leader gave us an assignment to write down on paper twenty reasons we want to lose weight (so we can use it as an anchor, which is a great idea). We're suppose to bring it with us next week. I wrote mine out immediately after the meeting. I'll share it with you in a later post. Some of things I wrote in a hurry, and when I re-read them, it made me really sad. I'll explain in a later post.

After the meeting,  I went to the gym. StairMaster thirty minutes, weights forty minutes. A really good workout (and a lot harder because I'm a lot fatter). As I was leaving the gym I got yelled at by one of the personal trainers (he's a creepy old guy that flirts with all the women - I can't stand him).

This is what happened and I'm still fuming about it. This trainer yelled across the gym, in front of everyone, "hey girl, you didn't clean up your mess!". I didn't even know what he was talking about. I asked him, "mess, what mess?". He said I left my weights on the barbell, my little 5-pound weights. I had to remove 45-pound plates from my barbell before I could use it. I often have to move 65-pound dumbbells out of my way to use the benches, or multiple plates from barbells. I really didn't even think about removing my little 5-pound plates because everyone else leaves their stuff. I've never heard one of the trainers say anything to anyone about it. We had a few unpleasant words (I can't stand him!). Then an hour later this same trainer had the nerve to call me on my cell phone and leave a message telling me had a great deal for me on some personal training sessions. Are you freaking kidding me?! 

Then I got home and in the mail there was the application for the disabled parking for my sister, signed by her doctor. I sent it to her doctor three weeks ago and she finally returned it to me. I never realized how important disabled parking is for someone in a wheelchair. Try getting someone that is completely paralyzed on one side out of the car and into a wheelchair in a normal parking spot with a car parked next to you. It doesn't work.

I rushed off to a motor vehicles office that was open until 4:30pm today to submit the application. I got there 25 minutes before they closed. I waited 20 minutes until they called me up to the counter, only to tell me the application wasn't completed properly by the doctor. I'm really annoyed with the doctor. She's specializes in geriatrics. This can't be the first disabled parking application she's completed (she only signed it, didn't fill out the section that says "to be completed by the physician").

Next up Costco. I'll make this short. I threw the 25-pound bag of cat food into the trunk of my car. It caught on a corner of the box containing the brand new coffeepot (for my husband). It split the bag open right down the middle and filled my trunk with pellets of cat food.

What do you think, do I have some negative energy going on here or what?

The only good things about today:  1.) I have a clean and spacious kitchen and 2.) I had a good workout (in spite of that creepy trainer), and 3.) I actually tracked my food today in the Weight Watchers phone app, every bite and right now as of almost 10pm I have eaten 25 Points (I get 27 now at my new, big weight).

Oh, last but not least, my only crown (on my tooth, not my head) has been hurting me all day with on and off throbbing. It was put on three years ago, taken off six months ago and "fixed" because it hurt, and now I'm feeling pain again.

Honestly God, can you cut me any slack here?

Day 2: It's Saturday! I love Saturday!

My favorite day of the week is Saturday. I like to stay at home on Saturday and do house stuff. I actually find joy in mindless household chores. My latest thing is spring cleaning.

I've been organizing my closets, bookcases and even tackling the garage, one box at a time for the garage. It's filled with 24 years of junk, including boxes that haven't been opened since we moved into this house twelve years. I'm scaling down on the stuff. I detest useless clutter, and I want it out of my life.

Maybe seeing the 73 years of stuff at my sister's 3,800 square foot house triggered something in me, or maybe a few of those Hoarders shows, of maybe it's because I feel like it's the only thing in my life where I have control.Regardless of what caused this sudden "I've got to get rid of this stuff", it makes me feel better about my surroundings.

I started with the bathroom closet last weekend. I got rid of at least 50 bottles of hair products, and three hot roller sets, along with a truckload of other stuff (lotions, old makeup, and just stuff). I mean honestly, who needs four hot roller sets, three curling irons, two flat irons, and about 50 of those Velcro rollers (that I don't even use anymore). Now I only have one hot roller set, one flat iron and one curling iron. The stuff I kept (about 1/4 of what was in the closet) are in containers with drawers, and there are labels on the drawers. I love it! I can find anything in seconds.

I'm reading a great book that's  really helping me with the de-cluttering process. I bought it at the Half-price bookstore a few years ago, but it's still available on Amazon. "30 Days To A Simpler Life" by Connie Cox & Cris Evatt. I highly recommend this book if you are feeling overwhelmed by clutter, and if you've ever watched a Hoarder show and thought, "hmmm, if I don't do something that could become me!".

Usually on Saturday I have a list of at least 15 chores that I think must be completed by the end of the day. I never get through the list.

Today, things will be different. Five must do's on my list:

1. Update my Guardian activity log for my sister. I keep a notebook and write down every penny spent,  every phone conversation about my sister, and every chore or activity involving my sister Usually I transfer that information into an Excel spreadsheet at the end of the week. It's for the Alaska court system for when they complete a review on me at the end of the year. I normally do this once a week. I haven't done it for a month. A must do.

2. The gym for a minimum of a one-hour workout. A must do.

3. Weight Watchers meeting, 10:30am. A must do.

4. Clean out under the bathroom sinks in the master bathroom (huge vanity with lots of junk under the sinks). I don't even know what's under there, other than a few rolls of toilet paper. The goal is to clean it out, throw away as much as possible possible.

5. Work on the guardianship implementation plan and inventory for my sister. It's twelve pages of detailed information on her life. It's due by the Alaska Courts by May 28. I've been working on it, but I'd really like to complete it soon. One of those things that's hanging over my head.

Not a lot of fun stuff on the list, other than cleaning out underneath the cabinets under the bathroom sinks. That probably sounds sick and twisted, but I love getting rid of stuff. It makes my heart feel lighter.

Tomorrow is sister day, Titanic in 3D. I can't wait to see how that goes. She was an avid about going to the movies once a week before the stroke. I'm curious how she'll respond tomorrow. Hopefully, she'll understand what's going on. At least she'll be out of the house, which she seems to enjoy. I'll let you know how it goes.

Okay, back to my list.

Making a comeback

I'm stealing this idea from Tony. Good ideas are worth stealing, right?

I've been gone for far too long. I've been immersed with post-stroke sister issues and job pressures and marital problems. Somewhere along the line, I lost myself. Everyone and everything else in my life has been more important than me. I miss me. I know that sounds silly, but honestly, I often feel surreal, like I'm watching my life go by, standing on the sidelines, but I'm not in my life. Does that make any sense? Re-reading that sentence makes me sound a tad bit crazy. Perhaps I am.

I want my life back and the only way I know to do it is to take it back. Go back to doing the things I enjoy, back to doing things that are good for me. Perhaps that makes me selfish and self-centered, but I want to enjoy life. As far as I know, this is the only life I'll have on this earth. I don't want to waste it with worry and stress and misery. I want to laugh, to be happy, and to enjoy every minute.

What makes me happy? One thing is that I like blogging. I like reading other blogs about people like me, that struggle with their weight, and figure out ways to fight it. I like leaving little comments on their blogs. Therefore, taking the idea from Tony, I'm committing to 90 days of blogging. This is day one.

I wish I'd weighed this morning, but I didn't. So I'll go with yesterday's weight. 195.6. It's scary close to 200 pounds. I could be there by Monday if I don't do something drastic.

My plan for the weekend is a visit to Weight Watchers, and the gym Saturday and Sunday. Of course there's a sister visit in there too, probably on Sunday. I promised to take her to a movie, I'm thinking Titanic in 3D, but I'm not sure. I remember that movie made me cry my eyes out at the end, but it was/is a good movie. And I'm sort of in love with the new 3D stuff.

I received the May issue of the Weight Watcher magazine in the mail last night. I forgot I'd sent in for my free subscription. I had purchased a Weight Watcher cookbook  in 2010, and it came with a coupon for a free year of the Weight Watcher magazine. I sent it out in the mail two weeks before it expired back in December. Getting it in the mail last night triggered a feeling of "I've got to do something about my weight, and do it right now!".

So I'm back, and I'm making a comeback too. I'll be back every day for the next 90 days (probably more), come rain or shine, come stress on top of stress, no excuses, I'll be here. I'll be reading your blogs again. I'll even leave comments! I already feel happier.

I should have done this a long time ago

Therapy. I should have done therapy a long time ago. I tried a few times, but never liked the therapist. In the past twenty years I've seen three therapists, one session each. They all gave me books to read and lots of homework. I often thought, I'm paying you, you should have read the books and then give me the Cliff notes.

The therapist I'm seeing now is also called a "life coach" and specializes in helping people deal with stress and anger. I've known her for about ten years through Toastmasters (which I haven't attended in over two years). I've always liked her and enjoyed her company. It turns out she's an amazing therapist, and better yet, she sees me on weekends so I don't have to leave work for a "doctor" appointment every week.

After only two sessions, I'm already developing the tools to deal with my life. I feel so much better. No hives last week for the first time in five weeks. Although I did have what I guess would be called an anxiety attack on Thursday night.

I was at the gym at 6pm. I had experienced a terrible visit with my sister on Wednesday afternoon, when I visited her during her physical therapy session. I don't want to relive it, but she was filled with anger and frustration. It was awful and I left in tears. I've heard of this behavior from her before, but I had never witnessed it. To see my sweet, beautiful sister act like a bratty two-year old was more than I could handle.

The anxiety attack started while I was on the elliptical, thinking about what had happened the day before with my sister. Suddenly, I couldn't breathe. I was determined to get in at least thirty minutes on the elliptical, but my breathing got progressively worse. I realized I was in trouble. It was like an asthma attack, which I haven't had in over 20 years. It was a feeling of impending death, of my own death. And the unreasonable fear that I couldn't explain or define. I was scared, but I didn't know why. Death? I don't know. The two were intertwined.

I quickly left the gym and sat in my car for thirty minutes, practicing breathing techniques for relaxation and trying to calm down. I didn't know if I should call 911 or my husband or just drive myself to the nearest emergency room. I had my heart rate monitor on, and usually after a workout my pulse will go from 145 to 56 in a couple of minutes. Even though I was sitting still, my heart rate stayed at a steady 100 or more for a full half hour. Finally, I calmed down, started breathing normally and my heart rate returned to normal. It was a very scary experience. Although I will say, I still had my sense of humor about my life. As I drove away, I thought, "well, guess the night workouts don't really work for me!". Followed by a lot of laughter (my therapist said I'm definitely not depressed...I should be, but I'm not).

Today, during therapy, we decided I should take the weekend off from my sister. I still feel wounded from Wednesday. As the therapist explained, this is not my sister as I knew her. My sister before the stoke would never scream at me and slap my hand as I tried to help her. This is my sister with brain damage. I have to accept that I will  never have my sister back the way she was before the stroke. As heartbreaking as that is to say, I know it's true. We can't communicate, she doesn't really even know what's going on most of the time. I am in the process of accepting her for who she is now, and love her the best I can. I have to stop criticizing myself for not doing enough. I've done everything I can to help her, and I've given her everything I can give. I have to tend to me, to my needs, to myself. 

Weight this morning, 195.6. Workouts this past week: 3. My tribute to this being a weight-loss blog.