Halloween Eve

It's 6pm, and I'm sitting here in my gray banshee wig and witch costume. I'm wearing outrageous eye makeup with black eyebrows, black glitter eye shadow and red lipstick. I have black spider stickers on each side of my face. I'm waiting for the little ones to start ringing the doorbell, yelling "Trick or Treat!". I already have a headache. I hate wigs. This is the last year I'll be wearing a wig. I forgot how uncomfortable they can be (although I had on a different one last week and it wasn't this bad). 

I've never dressed up for the kids before. I don't know why I decided to do so this year. It seemed like a good idea at the time. We have a lot of kids on my street and they all know me. The last few years I made the decision that I was sick and tired of handing out candy that I couldn't eat and it wasn't good for the kids anyway. So we'd turn off all the lights and head out to a scary movie at the theater. Talk about being a Halloween Scrooge.

For some reason I had a change of heart this year. I dressed up for work last week so I had a costume (actually, I bought two - a witch and vampire). Tonight I'm the witch because I can't talk very well with the vampire teeth. Of course, now I'm thinking maybe this was a stupid idea. The wig is bugging me and the makeup is itchy.

I just answered the door to the third set of kids. They seem to be getting a kick out of me being dressed up as a witch. I love the wide eyes of the little ones. Maybe they think this is what I always look like.

My husband is still mowing the lawn (at 6pm...???). The motion detector gigantic brown recluse spider hanging over the front door is continually yelling, screaming, howling. I need to turn off his sound until the mowing stops. I'm just too tired.

Strangely the candy isn't bothering me and it's all my favorite stuff, Twix, Mounds, Kit Kats, M&Ms (no problem with the Reese cups since I have a peanut allergy). They're nice sized bars that are about two or three bites, at about 80 calories each. I really have no interest.

The caramel cake I had Thursday night has pretty much done me in on sweets for probably a long time. I can still taste the intense sweetness of the brown sugar in the frosting, the slight grittiness against my teeth. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I really didn't like it that much. I never want to have it again. It wasn't that it was a bad tasting cake, it just wasn't all that great. The same with the Häagen-Dazs ice cream. Maybe it's because I'm associating these foods with a sleepless night, filled with tossing and turning and a bad bout of night sweats. I really don't want a repeat of that night. I accept that I failed and I may fail again, but the sickening sweet taste is still too familiar. Perhaps I'm not as addicted to sugar as I once thought.

I'm 100% back on track this weekend and actually tracking my food online and drinking tons of water. Three hours of exercise between yesterday and today.

I even tried out a couple cardio machines I've never used before. I tried the recumbent bike because Bally's had a thing on their Bally TV about it, that it looks like the Lazy Boy of workout machines but you could get a really good workout on it. I hated it. After thirty minutes on the crossramp I tried the recumbent for twenty minutes. It was pure misery. I like the upright stationary bike or the spin cycle or a real bike, but that recumbent is really uncomfortable, my back is still hurting.

Then I tried the old rowing machine. It looks like an antique torture contraption, and I never see anyone using it. It has a steel chain with a bar attached to it. There are slabs of wood with straps on them that you hook your feet into and grab the bar and pull back. It's not fancy at all, but boy was it difficult. My heart rate zoomed up to 135 in about a minute (remember, I'm old and my resting HR is 49...so 135 is high for me). I did it for ten minutes and thought I was going to die. I burned 80 calories in that ten minutes according to my Polar heart rate monitor (that thinks I weigh 152 pounds because I never changed it because you know I'm going to lose that 25 pounds I gained :).

Okay, I'm ready for Halloween to be over. It's only 7:45 p.m. and the kids keep coming. About forty kids so far, and most of them I didn't know (and some were kind of old for Trick or Treating).

I'm feeling nauseous from the wig. I'm just about ready to pull it off and let my  natural hair be my witch hair. My husband is having no part of handing out the candy which really isn't like him at all. Usually when we did do the candy thing in the past he was always the one to hand it out. Not sure what's up with him this year.

Damn...the doorbell again.

It's not the collapse that defines you...it's how you handle it

Post binge
After writing about my major binge on Thursday, I was astoundingly not hungry on Friday. This surprised me because usually after a binge, I'm hungrier and find it just about impossible to get back on track.

Yesterday I didn't even think about eating until about 3pm. I only ate then because I knew I really shouldn't go all day without eating. I ate lightly and slept well last night. Very unusual.

The urge, the lapse and the collapse

Today's Weight Watcher meeting seemed to be tailor made for me. The topic was how to handle a collapse, and that our secret weapon is POSITIVE SELF TALK. It's all about giving ourselves the freedom to fail. Forgiving ourselves when we do and then moving on.

Our leader, Janis (Federal Way, WA and I love her!) gave an example of how it starts. Let's say you have a bag of Halloween candy bars to hand out to the trick or treaters...

1. You have an urge to eat the candy. What do you do? You can ignore it, or do something else and fight the urge or eat something healthy or you can give into it which leads to...

2. A lapse. A lapse is you have one candy bar. Okay, now that alone isn't so bad. Not perfect, but it's okay. It's just a little lapse.  But what if you eat the entire bag of candy bars, that is...

3. A Collapse. Now you've collapsed. Totally fallen off track. You feel horrible. Guilt. Shame. You hate yourself. You call yourself names. You think you're a bad, bad person. No willpower. Lazy. And if you're me, stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid!  That's always my ultimate insult to myself, that I'm stupid.

Now this is the interesting part. How do you handle that collapse? Does it throw you into a tizzy, a week or a month long binge, or even longer? Or do you just tell yourself, okay, I collapsed. Screwed up. It's okay. I'm a human being capable of making mistakes. Where do you go from here? You get back on track. Immediately. Right now, this very minute.

I feel like this is exactly what I did. I've heard this and read this before. It's not exactly new information, but for some reason it worked this time. I immediately got back on track.

The toilet water trick

This is kind of gross, but I think this could work. Janis said if she's at someones house and they have junk to eat, such as fried chicken or fudge, she considers it the same as drinking toilet water. She said at home she wouldn't drink out of the toilet, why would she eat crap when she's at someones house. You've got to love Janis.

Now for the kind of bad news, the weigh-in

I'm not beating myself up about my weighin today. It's not great, but it could have been a lot worse.

My weight at my last meeting (7 weeks ago):

9/11/10  --  174.8

My weight today:

10/30/10 -- 178.2

Gained: +3.4 (in 7 weeks)

Total Loss since 2/12/2008:

61.0 Pounds

I'm not thrilled about this gain, but I'm also not bitterly disappointed in myself. Considering I haven't been tracking my food, and I tried the Geneen Roth plan of eat what I think my body wants and when I'm hungry, it's sort of a miracle I didn't gain a lot more weight.

I do have a new idea. It's called following the Weight Watcher plan. I've been off of it for so long that it almost feels like something new.

I have exactly 15 weeks until my three-year Weight Watcher anniversary on February 12, 2011. If you had told me three years ago that I still wouldn't be at goal by now, I would have laughed at you. I was so very determined back then. Somehow, I fell off track, lost sight of the prize, and have been playing around for far too long.

There's nothing like a good Weight Watcher meeting to set me on fire again...and I'm on fire!

It happened one night...a full-blown binge

It's strange how the harder I try to be "good", and the more I focus on thinking about always doing the right thing with food and exercise, the more obsessed I become with the idea of binging.

Yesterday was the culmination of weeks of work stress. There was some marriage stress mixed in there too but I think we've worked through that and are back on pretty solid ground. Things are winding down at work too, finally there's a feeling of calm after weeks and weeks of intense pressure to work faster and harder, along with major stress.

So what the hell happened? I don't really know how to explain it other than something just came over me. I've been feeling really hungry lately, but eating very clean, very healthy. Maybe my portions have sometimes been a little on the large side, but I haven't been gaining weight, just holding steady in the the 174-175 range. Not at all where I want to be (135).

I shop at a Northwest grocery store, Fred Meyers. It's a large grocery store, sort of a one-stop shopping kind of place. For the last couple of months they've had a big display of caramel frosted yellow cake sitting right by the check-out area. You have to pass it to get in line to check out your groceries. You can't miss this huge display of cake.

I have a thing for caramel. I love it. Anything caramel, it's my favorite. I don't really care for chocolate, but I'm in heaven with caramel. I also love yellow cake, hate chocolate cake. So this was a dangerous combination for me. Thick caramel frosting covering a tall two-layer yellow cake.

You can buy the cake in a package of two big slices, or 1/2 of the cake, or the entire cake. Every week I would look at this cake and think, no way! Poison for sure. I pass by it and head down the ice cream aisle to buy my sugar-free Skinny Cow sandwiches or the Weight Watcher fudge bars or the Dryers fruit bars (Pomegranate - 70 calories each). Week after week for at least two months.

Then yesterday happened. It was Halloween at work since most people work from home on Friday. I dressed up as a vampire in a very uncomfortable wig and lots of makeup (I'm doing it again this weekend so I'll post pictures). By mid-afternoon I felt kind of sick. The giant wig was hot, the hair from the wig was in my face all day and the makeup was itchy. I had only eaten my healthy lunch. I didn't touch the Halloween desserts or candy. I finally called it quits at 3pm and headed home.

On my way home I thought about that caramel cake. I thought about going home, ripping off the costume and washing my face and heading back to the store. I also thought about listening to Geneen Roth's "What to do in the middle of binge" CD that was sitting right there in the seat next to me in my car. I made the conscious decision that I just flat out didn't care. To hell with the diet and Geneen Roth (sorry Geneen...it's nothing personal).

I did exactly what I had planned. When I got home I changed clothes, washed off all the makeup and headed to Fred Meyers. I bought an entire caramel cake, three pints of Häagen-Dazs, a dozen bakery sugar cookies with pink frosting and a package of vanilla doublestuff Oreos, along with a gallon of 1% milk.

I ate 1/3 of the cake. The frosting was so sweet it literally hurt my teeth and it made my stomach hurt. I also ate one pint of the Häagen-Dazs. I had a miserable night. Of course, I ate all of this before my husband got home and I hid the remains. I tossed and turned all night. I had horrible night sweats, something I haven't had in weeks.

I broke every one of Geneen Roth's eating guidelines. Again, I just didn't care.

This morning was filled with regrets, but I got up and got myself to the gym for forty minutes of cardio. I'm heading back at noon for 40 minutes of strength.

When I came home from the gym I took the remaining caramel cake, the unopened Oreos and pink-iced sugar cookies, tore open the packages and dumped everything into a garbage bag. Then I cleaned the cat's litter box dumping the dirty litter on top of the food. I know that's really disgusting, but I've been known to pull things out of the garbage. The contents of the two remaining unopened Häagen-Dazs containers are now down the garbage disposal.

I just don't know how I feel about this whole thing. Why did I do that? It made me feel awful. Guilty. Sad. It didn't make anything in my life better. The entire time I was doing it I knew exactly what I was doing.

I haven't done anything that extreme for a very long time. Maybe even over a year or more. I've had a pint of ice cream a few times, but I haven't purchased a cake with the intention of eating the entire thing, along with two packages of cookies and three pints of ice cream. What the hell was I thinking? Was I even thinking anything?

I guess the difference between yesterday and my past full-blown binges is that I didn't actually eat the entire cake or the any of the cookies or all of the ice cream. In my past I would have continued the binge into today until every morsel was gone. I also would NOT have gone to the gym after a night of binging.

Maybe I have changed. Maybe I will be okay. It's just surprising to me how easily I can fall back into old, bad habits. It's disturbing that I seemed to be completely out of control yesterday.

Even though I've come a long way, I still have a long way to go...

Day 766-771 My Birthday, A Facebook Message, The Salty Snacks, and Pictures!

Day 766-771

My Birthday, A Facebook Message, The Salty Snacks, and Pictures!

Saturday the 23rd was my thirty-ninth birthday. And even though I don't necessarily like the idea of quickly approaching forty, I couldn't be more thrilled about a birthday. Age thirty-nine is poised to be the most rewarding, personally and professionally, than any other year in my life. As much as I like to kid around about being "upset" over growing older, deep down--it's contrary. I'm still young and since losing all of this weight, I feel like my entire life has been redefined, opened up to a fresh new start where anything is possible. My weight loss makes me feel like a kid again, with unlimited potential--unaffected by the turmoils of life and the restrictions we grow to believe exist. This freedom, well--it's amazing really, so thirty-nine? No problem. It will be what we make it, because if I've learned anything in the last 771 days, it's this: The outlook for the future is determined by the attitude I apply and the choices I make along the way.

Saturday was busy from start to finish. So busy, in fact, that I postponed the Anderson family birthday dinner for me, until Sunday. By 10am, I was making my way South to Stillwater for the OSU Homecoming game tailgate party, then I enjoyed the afternoon game (not really--Nebraska won), and then headed back to Ponca City for an REO Speedwagon concert with Courtney. The day started early and ended after midnight!

Whitney and her friend Julie showed up at the tailgate! Whitney has been reading this blog since Day 1. And I mean, on Day 1--she was reading, and kept reading every single day. I ran into her and her husband a while back and Jim commented, "I know everything about you, because she reads it and then tells me." Whitney and Jim have had weight loss success too! Whitney has lost somewhere in the neighborhood of 80 pounds, and she absolutely loves it, of course! You see--Whitney has known me since 2003, she remembers 500 pound Sean really well...so my success just thrills her to pieces. Thank you Whitney, and thanks for the pictures! (pics below)

Sunday was Day four of my birthday celebration. Amber, her boyfriend KL, and Courtney made the trip to Stillwater with me and we met my mom, aunt Kelli, grandma, and Keith at one of our favorite little places, Charlies Chicken. On the way down to Stillwater, I called the Hideaway--another favorite restaurant of mine, and ordered their famous fried mushrooms. I love their fried mushrooms, they're the best I've ever enjoyed. And boy, I have seriously enjoyed them in the past. A whole order to myself was what the Old Sean would have wanted--not Sunday, I wanted an order because I love them, but I wanted to share them with everyone at my birthday dinner. Instead of gorging on them, I shared with nine other people. That's all I needed and wanted. I still spent about 100 calories on those incredibly tasty little things...oh my, they're the best! My calories would be spent on the best chicken breast "chunks" known to man, some mashed potatoes with a little brown gravy, and some green beans. Again, I told them to keep the roll. Rolls are good, but it was simply a calorie value decision--and it always is, when it comes to bread. We took some fun pictures at this dinner--see them below!

I've spent some calories lately that I'm really not proud of, but it certainly reminds me--I'm no superman. We have a kitchen at the new studios inside the Poncan Theatre and it is frequently stocked with salty snacks. Snack mix, nuts, pita chips, pretzels, and more. Lately, I've found myself "investing" a little more calories in these items than I know I should. My confidence tells me, "you're Sean "flippin" Anderson, you can eat a little of this stuff, you can handle it within your calorie budget." And that's true, but two or three hundred mindless calories just isn't smart calorie management, for anyone. And just telling myself, Well--you're aware, and that's the important part, isn't good enough. Because at a certain point, that type of thinking quickly becomes a rationalization for bad choices. "At least I know what I'm doing isn't good." What kind of craziness is that thought process? Knowing right from wrong doesn't excuse bad choices. And a couple of hundred calories of snack mix, to me--at this point in my evolution of good choices, isn't acceptable. Wow--OK, that helped me to write it out...thank you blog!!

I get many questions and comments from regular readers and facebook friends all the time. And I wish I could respond in detailed fashion to every single one. I do my best, and I respond frequently on my facebook wall--But I'm talking about individual, one-on-one communications via messages. I just don't have enough time to respond in detail--and that kills me, because my goal in life is to help people understand weight loss in the terms and epiphanies that have changed my life forever...and not responding in detail feels horrible to me, but there just isn't enough time. However, occasionally, I just can't help myself--and since some of these things are things I would want to share beyond a one-on-one message, with anyone that cares to read--I've decided to share a recent facebook exchange:

Christi: Just so you know where im at w/ this journey..not sure i ever told u but....I am 58 yrs old , 5'3", weighed 225lbs & had gastric bypass 3 yrs ago and lost almost 70 lbs and am gaining it back and already getting the old aches and pains associated w/ OBESITY back and Im SICK OVER IT... am trying so hard to start over and make it work this time & i get so determined then weaken and go thru the cycle over and over and over and WHY cant i make it stick and be consistent like I know i HAVE to be to do this? anyway thank you for your inspiration.. i will NEVER give up until i whip this prob...you have a beautiful family Sean and i see you are a wonderful father and son!! =0) I admire you greatly & wish my husband & I could meet you all someday!

Me: Awesome my friend, and thank you for your very kind words!! I'm sure I'll be in your neck of the woods someday for a book signing, somehwere--or a weight loss seminar someday...I'd love to meet you and your hubby!! Christi--You CAN do this. Set that "importance level" super high---Open that "Calorie Bank and Trust" account, and put up your "Steel Curtain Zone." Redefine that relationship with food...realize that food isn't the enemy---we are...and then realize that simplicity wins here...Never eat something you don't like, just to lose weight...Eat what you love---Portion control, nothing is off limits---simple, simple, simple--My friend...Make it that way. Decide that's how it's going to be---and never feel deprived, as you naturally--through your good choices, evolve an amazing relationship where food is your friend and you are your best friend...and that's when it gets really good---because we're not fighting anything at that point. It's sweet freedom Christi! My best always, Sean

Christi: Oh my ... Well im sittin at my desk at work (Upper Ia University) and I got this and BOOM..MADE ME CRY!!! HAD TO SHUT MY DOOR!! But it will help me more than I can tell you.. I will read this and reread it!! Such good advice and great words, thank you Sean. In your upcoming book, I hope you touch a lot on how you sooo persevered during the TOUGH TIMES!!! THIS TRULY MAKES YOU DIFFERENT FROM THE REST OF US....THE HOLIDAYS, THE SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS ECT..this is my killer!!! I can do sooo damn good then boom lose that determination & drive during a tough food & drink tests! I am getting it tho that YOU DO HAVE TO WANT THIS MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD....THAT STEEL CURTAIN HAS TO ALWAYS BE THERE...plus your fabulous concept of the CALORIE BANK & TRUST..I LOVE THAT!! I also beleive being prepared is everything too..being a food ADDICT I will die when I walk in here each morning & theres homemade cream cheese frosted carrot bars or CHOC brownies in the break room..& I would sell my soul for one.. but if i have "something" diet smart to get thru that I do well... this is the kind of things I MARVEL AT YOU FOR...HOW YOU GET THRU THEM... I KNOW YOU WERE A FOOD ADDICT TOO AT 500 LBS SO HOW DID U CONSTANTLY GET THRU GIVING UP THESE FOODS... oh i know you say "dont give em up..have a lilttle..bank on them..." But Sean how did u get to point where you could do that THEN STOP W/ A LITTLE?????? HOW DOES AN ADDICT EVER DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????

Me: Remember, I'm still a food addict, always will be. I'm recovered, but aware. How does it work? If you want this to be the very last time you ever need to lose weight---If you want to make this THE TIME when you really do it, for real...You must realize the vital element of dropping the excuses and rationalizations that make us feel better about bad choices. You must remind yourself how important this entire journey is---you must embrace 100% self honesty and self responsibility in your choices and circumstances. When you do that---you realize, it's not someone's fault if they brought something yummy or the restaurant's fault or the holiday's fault...or anything or anyone else. It's us and our choices. We have the comfort in knowing that we can still have anything we want---there's no deprivation, but we also know that we have a Calorie Bank and Trust account that must remain intact--the integrity of that calorie budget is and must be maintained, because when we start making rationalizations to "break it," or "have just a little more, or just this time," those thoughts and actions are the beginning of the end. And the end, well--that's a very sad place. "Oh well, we'll start again some other time," right? NO--this is the time, now--today---we must embrace consistency---that's how I lost 212 pounds the first 365 days---It was consistency....maintain it, take pride in it, defend it from your emotions and circumstances at every turn, and get ready---because amazing results are coming your way. And those incredible goodies...make sure you eat some every now and then...because that's what normal people with normal, healthy relationships with food, do.

Vital elements of success: Importance level, plus self-honesty, plus consistency, protected by our steel curtain zone, and staying true to ourselves and our calorie bank---and doing some kind of movement, exercise of some kind---anything---simply walking...and the weight flys off. It really doesn't matter what you eat---remember, keep it simple---and as the weight drops and your good choices naturally evolve, then you can get fancy with nutrition if you desire...right now, if you want to overcome food addiction---embrace food as your friend, all food---and do the things I've talked about here...Christi---I'm telling you---sweet success, sweet freedom from obesity and all of the negatives it embodies. You're on your way my friend--congratulations on your good choices!!! Get ready to fly!

Christi: OMG WOW IS ALL I CAN SAY... WOW... Sean that is unreal, that is sooo powerful..soo sooooo true... hit me where i need it...yep that is it & i will now reduce that msg and put in my wallet then i will blow that msg up and post on my mirrors and in my car and poster it to my bedroom door!!! ha... you are amazing..soo soo good... yep you're right , i have to be accountable and stop crying about what im giving up!! WOW SEAN!! OMG ... WOW!!!!!!!!!

Me: You must give up the idea that you're giving up something. You're not giving up anything...You're gaining a control, a relationship, an understanding and clarity that will forever change you, inside and out. A relationship with food and yourself--and they're relationships without struggle, because the insane war is over!! Food is your friend and you are your friend---and the circumstances of life---sure, they come and we survive because we realize the answer to us feeling better isn't in any kind of food we seek for comfort. We recognize that emotional eating creates a horrible vicious cycle---where the comfort creates more problems and the problems send us running for more comfort. You have the power to stop it with your good choices.

Christi: OMG SEAN... please know that that was the most profound piece of intelligent, awesome, mind blowing...information this voracious reader has ever everrrrrr read!! So well put... soo sooo well!! I cherish it...& I don't know how to tell you how much it HIT ME ..your response was everything & more that I needed to answer my HUGE MOST IMPORTANT questions that I slung to you!! I guess all I can do is to prove to you how much those words impacted my thinking BY SHOWING YOU W/ MY SOON TO BE LIFE CHANGING, PERMANENT, WEIGHT LOSS!!! Thank you again ...thank you Sean for your time...& wisdom & well just everything...THANK YOU!! *& hugs******* !!

Thank you Christi!!

I traveled back two years, all the way to October 28th, 2008--and I found an excerpt that talks about my food choices. It's important to always remember, that my food choices today reflect the gradual and natural evolution of my good choices along the way. I believe, through my experience, that this natural progression is key to overcoming food addiction and really breaking free from obesity. It's why I say "nothing is off limits" and "I eat what I like and nothing I don't." I don't want you to get the impression that it's all egg-white omelets, oatmeal, fruit, and pita pizzas...oh, and the occasional handfuls of snack mix...Remember, it's really not about the food. But sometimes I worry that I put too much attention on my current food choices, and that might give the wrong impression. Of course, if you've read every single day of this blog--you already know and understand from where I'm coming:

"I had macaroni and cheese and a big grilled cheese sandwich for dinner. I told you yesterday, the Food Network really got to me. I need to block that channel! I wonder how the cable company would respond if I called to have them block the Food Network? That could be funny. Me: “I want that filthy-dirty-tempting-sinful channel off my service!” Cable Company: “No problem sir, we can take the adult pay per view choices away, we're very sorry you were offended.” Me: “No, you don't understand, the Food Network is my vice.” I bet they've never had a call and request like that! I should do it just for fun. By the way, my mac and cheese dinner with a grilled cheese sandwich weighed in at a very appealing 530 calories. It was wonderful and well within my calorie budget for the day. I even enjoyed a Blue Bell Dream Bar after our incredibly intense workout. That's the thing that some people have the hardest time understanding. How can you eat Dream Bars? And mac and cheese? And mashed potatoes with gravy? And pizza? And fried mushrooms? And Snickers Ice Cream Bars? And Lasagna? And fried catfish? And so many other non-diet sounding things and still lose weight? Well, I'm also eating more vegetables than I ever have before, and I'm really appreciating well balanced meals, and I'm learning what a portion is suppose to be. I'm counting calories and budgeting those calories to last all day long. I'm giving my metabolism something to chew on several times a day and into the evening. I'm drinking a lot of water and water based zero calorie drinks. And I'm getting the heart rate up with a cardio event like walking and racquetball play. So it's not all Dream Bars and pizzas...But it's the beauty of this plan that I can enjoy them anytime I want...if my daily calorie budget allows, of course!"

A single comment came to that early post in February of 2009, from Ginger in Canada. She writes: "Reading about your progress and determination is very inspiring. I'm trying to develop the mindset to start this journey myself and start making better choices...consistently. Unfortunately I still undermine my own efforts and end up with false starts. I did feel inspired enough today to go for a walk in spite of the cold temperature."

And in that comment from Ginger, she's identified "The Wrong Battle," long before I fully realized the freedom of that thought process. Her words, "Unfortunately I still undermine my own efforts and end up with false starts," is powerful and so common, to me, to you perhaps. The Wrong Battle is a portion of a blog page I posted in September--and I believe it's vitally important to understand. Here's the link to that post:

http://losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com/2010/09/day-718-721-so-many-choices-nsvs-more.html

I better wrap this post. I have two weight loss speaking engagements on the horizon. Monday evening for a small church weight loss group in Ponca City and Thursday the 4th of November at the Ponca City Country Club. I'm so excited!

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


With Whitney, outside a chilly Boone Pickens Stadium on Saturday.


With Courtney after the REO Speedwagon concert


A recent breakfast: Egg-white omelet with mushrooms, mozzarella, and tomatoes---all wrapped in part of a Joseph's Lavash flat bread.


Sometimes, we don't see eye to eye. ;) We were having so much fun!!


The two most important people in my life.


We are so, not tough. But we're silly sometimes and that's a little more fun!


It was supposed to be the "Two Boxers" pose, but KL couldn't stop smiling.


I worry about him sometimes. Kidding...ok, not really...OK--really KL, just kidding... ;)


My youngest daughter!! So beautiful, so smart--incredibly talented, this girl---wow, I'm so lucky!!


Can you tell we love to have fun? The girls and me with mom!


My birthday dinner. Loved it! Not pictured: The 100 calories worth of Hideaway mushrooms.


Two breakfast pita pizzas. 320 calories total--for BOTH, together....Uh yeah, incredible calorie value!!


My Amber girl!


With My Courtney Nayster!


With my dear sweet grandmother...She's so precious to me.


Mom and me


Before at this same restaurant--nearly the same spot...over 500 pounds.


Somewhere, there is an old before shot that shows me in this same exact pose with grandma and mom along side of me--but for some reason, I can't find it right now. Trust me, HUGE difference. ;)


Found it! Thank you to my sweet daughter Amber for putting these two shots together. These photos were snapped in the same spot, a few years apart, obviously!

Another day, another dollar

I'm still alive! Work is kicking my butt again. Even though I promised myself only eight-hour days from here on out, sometimes it's just not possible. Considering the hours I've been working the last few months I'm probably working for minimum wage. Sad but true.

Although my manager did give me the "Parking Spot" award last week along with a $100 gift certificate for a dinner out. A nice gesture but I'm still working for minimum wage. The parking spot means I get to park in the spot of my choice for a month (next to the front door) with my name on the parking spot. I think this is the fourth time I've been given the parking spot in the last three years. It basically just tells you that I work too many hours.

I still haven't made it to a Weight Watcher meeting. This Saturday I've promised myself to go back to my favorite meeting and favorite leader. I'll have my official weighin, sit through the meeting, and once again start tracking my food. I'm just not ready at the moment to crack open the online food tracker and start tracking.

Lately I've been struggling with hunger. I'm not sure why, maybe it's the weather change, maybe it's just a problem I'll always have, but I've been feeling ravenous hunger the last few days. I'm cutting back a little. For example four ounces of chicken - weighed on the food scale - instead of eyeballing it and knowing it's really eight ounces. I've been really good at convincing myself that was okay because, you know, I work out so hard. The joke is on me.

I'm still going to the gym on a consistent basis, although not every day. Five or six times a week, last week was seven days, but I'm taking today off from the gym because of a very late night last night. I decided sleep was more important this morning.

Speaking of the gym, I was reading the Health magazine and it said if you're over fifty, you have do do a minimum of sixty minutes a day of moderate exercise...and that's just to maintain your weight! All because our metabolism is slowing down drastically now. I always do an hour, but not EVERY day. Sucks to get old.

Time to get going to work. I just thought I'd drop by and let you all know I'm still here, still struggling, but I'll never, ever give up!

~Diana
174.8

Day 759-765 Cleansing, Marquee Conspiracy Revisited, Amber's Home, and A Bunch of Pictures

Day 759-765

Cleansing, Marquee Conspiracy Revisited, Amber's Home, and A Bunch of Pictures

I sincerely appreciate the kind words recently messaged me by regular readers who have written out of concern, over the lack of an updated post. Let me assure you, everything is going wonderful, absolutely! I've just been extremely busy and focusing my writing energy toward the manuscript of my upcoming book. The more I write, the more excited I become--I can't wait for you to be able to read what has and will continue to consume me over the next couple of months. One thing is for certain, it will be worth your time...count on it!

One of the things that has always piqued my interest, but I've never tried it out before now, is cleansing and detoxifying my body. I was recently contacted by the Dr. Natura company about their Colonix product. It's the number one colon cleanse in the world, the very best--and they asked me to try it out and give a review on my blog. I'm doing it--and so is my daughter Courtney and my ex-wife Irene. Courtney and Irene have agreed to share their experiences on this blog too, so we'll be hearing from them in the coming weeks as their cleanse progresses. I've just started the process, then missed two days, then back on. I know that consistency is key with this product, and following directions to the letter is imperative. It'll be very interesting how I'll feel when I'm completely cleansed. If you want to find out more about the incredible benefits of Colonix from Dr. Natura--Just visit www.drnatura.com/colonix_program.php

From the serious side of cleansing my colon, to the lighthearted side of Day 36--My time travels today, take me back to the day when every single restaurant marquee seemed aimed directly at me. It was early on this journey, when the Steel Curtain Zone had to be up and tight almost constantly, because I had to succeed---this was my time, and a "two for a dollar" deep-fried corn-dog deal wasn't going to steal this away from me:

Some days it seems like there's an elaborate conspiracy to get me to come down off the wagon. It's like all of the restaurants and convenience store delis got together and decided to tempt me all at the same time. Like my abstinence from high calorie foods is driving their business into the ground. I can just imagine all of them getting together for an emergency meeting:

(insert dream sequence harp music here) The meeting is just getting started when the leader of the conspiracy—The Blue Bell Delivery guy says “All right people, let's keep it together, he's on day 36 now, and we all know that if he gets to Day 100, some of us are going to start going under”...

“But what do we do?” Screams a nervous restaurant manager “He seems so determined! Just the other day he was offered a toasted 800 calorie sub for free and he turned it down!!” (Crowd Gasp)...

The King from BK then chimes in with “We've got to work together, we need to know his exact driving route, then we'll put all of the high calorie foods he loves on our marquees.”

Then Bill Braum stands up and ask “Do you think it will work?”

Ronald McDonald tries to make a serious face to say “It may be the only chance we have to break him, now get out there kids and start putting up those signs, and if you can show him pictures, that's even better.”

Hey, it's a dream sequence, and dreams get crazy! They were really giving it their best shot today. In just a few mile stretch, I drove past several different signs all just begging me to come in and forget about this little journey.

The first sign read “half price ice cream and drinks 2-4pm”...No Sean, keep it together...Then-- “two corn dogs 4 a dollar” ...nice try!---then “Try a Banana Pudding Shake” Stop it!...the next sign was “Try our new oven baked sandwiches” It didn't work last Thursday, and it's not working today! ...then it was “Large Frozen Yogurt Waffle Cone $1.79”...Then a big banner with the most delicious picture of a big, gigantic, king sized Mushroom and Swiss burger, with the invite-- “Try a Mushroom and Swiss Steakhouse Burger.” No King! Leave me be! Before I could get to the safety of my garage, I drove by a banner picture of a foot-long chili cheese coney...It was the size of my van! Have mercy! I can't help it, I'm a sign reader! I've always been a sign reader... I wonder what their strategy will be tomorrow? Whatever it is I know I'll survive, cause I'm determined my friend.

They would have to come out into traffic and stuff the food in my mouth by force at the stoplight, and if that happens, well...we'd have to reach some kind of low calorie peace accord with these nuts. I'm done now. That was fun.

"If he gets to Day 100," nice. This is day 766. Yeah--take that, quick and easy temptation foods--You no longer control me!

I was looking at my bare feet the other evening, when I realized, hey--my feet have lost weight too! I knew of these slimmer feet before, because instead of 13 or 14, I now wear a size 12 shoe, just like when I was thirteen years old, but I never really stopped and examined them closely. I can see tendons, veins, and bones. And then I noticed my incredibly high arch on each foot. How in the world did these arches hold up over the years? I have no earthly idea, really. I'm just really lucky, very blessed--indeed.

The more I thought about these feet and where they've been and the job they've handled, without fail all of these years, I decided--they need something special. A while back, Dr. Amy, a good friend of mine, offered a detox ion foot bath. I think it's time to take her up on the offer. These feet deserve every wonderful minute and benefit of a detox ion foot bath. After carrying around over 500 pounds for nearly twenty years--never breaking, never failing in any way, shape, or form---these super feet of mine, well--they deserve a break, a detox...and maybe some new socks. I love new socks.

I was at a remote broadcast the other night when I was approached by someone I hadn't seen in years. Jeanne Votaw is a regular reader now and a facebook friend, after re-discovering me when AOL featured my story on their welcome page headlines in mid-July. I say re-discovered, because Jeanne and her husband Jim remember "old" Sean---over 500 pound Sean, from more than 15 years ago when I lived and worked in their hometown of Perry, Oklahoma. Jeanne lost 160 pounds years ago and has successfully kept it off. She transformed long before the age of weight loss blogs, and was and continues to be an inspiration to her family and friends, and to me. She blazed this Transformation Road long before I ever found the on-ramp. That's why Jeanne relates to and understands my perspective and weight loss philosophy. She appreciates it and enjoys reading, she tells me. Her husband Jim was at the broadcast too--he's also found a way to lose over 60 pounds. They're incredible people, and I'm very proud to call them friends. Jeanne and I found a moment to snap a picture, it's below!! It was a wonderful way to wrap up a three to seven pm broadcast, after a really long and busy day.

Amber arrived home from school for fall break late Wednesday evening. It works out perfectly too, because Saturday the 23rd is my 39th birthday, and she'll still be here! Thursday afternoon, Amber and I attended a graveside funeral service for my dear Cousin Ronnie, then we headed to Tulsa to meet up with Sherri and Terry. Sherri is my cousin, and along with her husband Terry--operate a successful insurance services company. Sherri is also my business manager, which sounds crazy to say, but really isn't at all. She's known me since birth, probably changed my diapers, and I couldn't think of a better business person to look out for my best interest, than someone who has always genuinely loved me.

Sherri and Terry treated the two of us to a nice dinner at a place called Cheddars (see the pictures below) and then we headed to The Spirit Bank Center in Tulsa for the Miranda Lambert and Eric Church CMT On Tour concert. It was an amazing evening, very exciting--and a wonderful time for Amber and me to enjoy each others company. We talked all the way to Tulsa and most of the way back, until I let her take over the driving, and I was out. We dropped into bed shortly after 2am. With a 5am alarm set and a radio show to start at 6am, I was setting up Friday to be a caffeine filled day of exhaustion. Luckily, my boss allowed me to split the day in half---allowing for a nice long mid-day nap. It was exactly what I needed!!

Saturday will start early (10am), as I make my way to Stillwater with friends--for the tailgating at Boone Pickens stadium, followed by enjoying the OSU homecoming game with Nebraska. After the game, I'm headed back to Ponca City, picking up my youngest daughter Courtney, and the two of us are headed to see REO Speedwagon at the Council Bluff Event Center twenty miles North of where we live. I've always been a huge fan of R.E.O. Speedwagon--and you might remember how special their song "Time For Me To Fly" is to my weight loss experience. From Day 587:

"REO Speedwagon's “Time For Me To Fly” isn't a song about the end of a relationship between two people---Oh, it is---but to me it's about my break-up with obesity. I must have listened to that song five times tonight. It empowers me around that trail."

I'm looking forward to a big weekend, absolutely! On Sunday we're heading to Stillwater to celebrate my birthday with family. Amber and Courtney will be with me for sure. So, honestly---not sure how much of anything else I'll get accomplished, but really--You only turn 39 once, right? Well, for real once...I may claim 39 for awhile, shhh, please! ;)

Thank you so much! I hope you'll friend me on facebook if you haven't already. We have regular weight loss related discussions on my facebook wall--and many of my friends post about their incredible weight loss success. I love the connection it creates...so friend me, please! And also--if you haven't noticed yet---I've started Tweeting on the Twitter. The last five Twitter Tweets will always show along the left hand side of this blog. On facebook, just search for me using my email--- seanboy105@hotmail.com and on Twitter, I'm @SeanAAnderson.

I sincerely appreciate your support! Thank you for reading! Goodnight and...

Good Choices,

Sean

This is a still from a video shoot for a special weight loss related project last weekend

Notice the absence of potatoes on that plate---Just a fried chicken breast and mixed veggies---it was all I needed and I was satisfied. I love mashed potatoes, but this meal was designed with my calorie budget at the moment in mind. so no potatoes. The 400 calorie fried breast shorted me...but it was so delicious!!!

A recent breakfast---1/3 a Joseph's Lavash wrap, with eggs, mushrooms, onions, and mozzarella. Wow---just amazing, and LOW calorie!!

Occasionally, I prefer Steel Cut Oats for breakfast---1/2 a banana, a little Splenda, a dash of milk, and some cinnamon---Oh my, it's a nice 200 calorie breakfast!! If you like Oatmeal...my facebook friend Jamie recently expressed his dislike for Oatmeal on my facebook wall---and he's absolutely right. Never eat something just because you hear it's a weight loss superfood. I told him, "I eat what I like and nothing I don't," you know me! Jamie has lost 75 pounds in 13 weeks!!

With Jeanne Votaw. Jeanne has lost 160 pounds and kept it off now for well over a decade. It was fantastic to see her and her husband Jim the other evening!

An Appetizer at Cheddars called...uh, something I had never tried--what was it called---Maramei...or something, it was soybeans--I think. Not bad--low calorie, but not my favorite...

Now this, this is one of my favorite appetizers!! ;) I enjoyed a few chips and salsa--and just two or three dips into the cheese---oh my, it was amazing!

My grilled Talapia dinner with little grilled shrimp on top, Italian green beans, and mashed potatoes--sans gravy.

Outside Cheddars waiting on our table to open...with Amber, and wearing my new shirt that Sherri and Terry gave me as a birthday present. Thank you Sherri and Terry!!

With Amber at the Miranda Lambert concert Thursday evening

Amber and me, with our serious mean faces "on."

Amber and me, with our silly-crazy-fun faces "on."

Sherri and Terry at the concert

My incredibly beautiful, talented, smart, mature beyond her years, loving and amazing daughter--Amber. She's a gifted special education major at SWOSU. I'm a proud daddy!

Me--solo picture---at the concert. Love my new birthday shirt!

Big before picture---Over 500 pounds, with my two daughters--maybe three years ago! Oh, how things can change in three years!!

The endless journey

"The Endless Journey" might have been a better choice for my blog name. There are so many twists and turns in trying to figure out the right way to lose weight or even if there is a right way, that this journey is never going to end. It's a lifelong process trying to figure out what works. 

Some people figure out what works for them very quickly in the game, some people give up and never figure it out. Then there are people like me, learning something new every single day, that have some of the answers, but certainly not all of them.

Geneen Roth's book Women, Food and God provides a lot of the answers on what's wrong with me. It works if you follow her guidelines. If you don't, it doesn't work. It's just like every other plan, you can't just read the book, attend a workshop and then forget about it. You have to continue to work at it.

What I'm finding is that it's not easy to feel the pain instead of eating. In fact, it kind of hurts like hell. It's like ripping a band aid off of a wound and the scab sticks to the band aid and now you're in excruciating pain. I'm not sure how I feel about this type of introspection into my psyche. It's not pleasant and some days I'm just not up to it.

On the other hand, I suspect it's the only way I'll ever feel okay about food. I know this is a very slow process, undoing forty plus years of using food for comfort, not facing my reality, and it isn't going to change overnight.

I haven't posted since last Sunday, four days of silence. It was an odd week where I was extremely tired every day. Each night I came home and could barely move. I skipped the gym three days in a row due to pure exhaustion. Wednesday night I went to bed at 7:30pm and woke up at 7:30am Thursday morning, twelve hours of sleep. I guess I was tired.

I have today off from work, for no particular reason. I just felt like I needed a day off. I weighed this morning and I'm 174.6 which is oddly almost exactly the weight in my blog profile. I think that was posted a couple of months ago. Although I'm not gaining weight and I'm eating well (probably a little too well), I'm not losing weight.

I'll be honest, I don't like following Geneen Roth's eating guidelines. It's  a lot harder than it sounds. My least favorite guideline is #3. I find it almost impossible to just sit quietly and eat, without doing anything else. On Geneen's CD that I purchased at her workshop, she said you should try to do this once a day in the beginning, more often if possible, and at the very least a few times a week. It's not easy.

Geneen Roth's Eating Guidelines

1. Eat when you are hungry. (Truly hungry, body hungry not mind hungry)

2. Eat sitting down in a calm environment. This does not include the car.

3.Eat without distractions. Distractions include radio, television, newspaper, books, intense or anxiety producing conversation and music.

4. Eat only what your body wants. (Big difference from what your MIND wants!)

5. Eat until you are satisfied. (This is different than full).

6. Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others.

7. Eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure.
I've decided on a different route to get to my goal weight. It's a hybrid of the above eating guidelines AND Weight Watchers. I realize this doesn't sound possible, but it really is possible. I can still do the above eating guidelines but also attend Weight Watcher meetings and follow their eating plan.
 
My goal is by December 31, 2010, lose ten pounds. That's not a crazy amount of weight in ten weeks, but it is the holidays which makes it a tiny bit harder than normal. I feel more at peace with this idea than just doing it on my own. I also know at my current weight that my weight loss is pretty slow, unless I starve myself. I have no intention of starving myself. Been there, done that and it doesn't work in the long run.
 
The endless journey continues...

The lost weekend

I said I'd post my driver's license pictures from the last twenty years today. I started to but after fighting with Photoshop for about an hour trying to crop them and change the blurriness I decided I'm just to tired and it's past my bedtime. Maybe later this week. They all look like mugshots anyway so I'm not sure why I want to post them. Some of them are really bad pictures. Especially the one where I weighed 240 pounds that was taken five years ago. I look like I'm wearing a fat suit.

My weekend was okay, but I worked both days. Saturday from home and today I went into the office. All I can say about that is "yuk". Not fun to work on the weekends. I want my life back.

My scales lured me back on to them today. Old habits are hard to break. I was actually down to 173.6. So I actually lost the 1.4 I gained plus another .4. In the big picture, that's really nothing. I still want to lose at least another thirty or more pounds, but I refuse to go on a "diet".
I like not being so stressed out by my eating. I even had a glass of wine yesterday without guilt. I'm cutting back a bit on my portion sizes. I know how much I should eat and this isn't a free-for-all where I can eat until I'm stuffed. The idea is still to lose weight, but not get so crazy about it. I don't want it to consume me like it has in the past.

I want to write more about the other eating guidelines, but right now, I can barely stay awake. Later, I promise.

I'm amazingly okay with my weight gain

Today is my weigh-in day. After a full week of practicing Geneen Roth's Women Food and God eating guidelines I stepped on the scales. I knew I had gained a little. Over the years I've become very attuned to the ups and downs of my weight. I always know if it's going to be a gain or a loss.

Before I looked down at the number I had a conversation with myself. It went something like this:

"Diana, it's okay. If you've gained and you probably have, it's not a big deal. This is an experiment. Something new you've never tried before. It's just a number. It doesn't define you. Remember, this was a good week regardless of what you see on the scales."

I looked down and saw 175.4. Last week I was 174.0. A gain of 1.4 pounds. Did I have just a twinge of regret? Yes, just a twinge. Not a foot-stomping, full-out "I hate myself" reaction that I would normally have over a weight gain.

I realize I don't really understand when I'm hungry. If you consider that for 42 years I've either been on some sort of restrictive diet to lose weight or on a full-out binge streak, it's not surprising that I don't know how to listen to my body and give it what it needs. I haven't been listening to it for 42 years. Things aren't going to change in a week.

Although I have made huge strides this past week. Things happened that I never thought possible. My night eating almost stopped. I slept better than I have in months or even years. I didn't feel stressed out about my eating. I felt more relaxed. I felt satisfied with my food. I ate healthy, wholesome food.

Then last night happened. It was not a good night for me. I got home late from a Toastmaster's function and then proceeded to get into a huge argument with my husband. He went to bed mad at me. I'd eaten an early dinner at 4pm before the function and it was 11pm. I was starving.

I ate until I was stuffed: a big handful of pecans, a piece of bread, a banana, a large bowl of my South Beach veggie chicken soup, 1/2 of a cantaloupe, a tapioca pudding cup and about 1/2 cup of Redi-Whip straight out of the can (I would have had more, but the can was empty). I felt physically sick and mentally hurt.

Why did I do that? It's pretty obvious. I was frustrated, angry, hurt, and feeling lost and alone. Not good emotions. I was also very tired from another incredibly stressful work week. I didn't want to feel the pain of all of it so I ate. I shoved those feelings down with food. I knew what I was doing but I did it anyway.

On the other hand I ate normally the rest of the week. 167 hours of normal behavior with food. One hour of craziness. I say that's about a 99% improvement over my past behavior when it came to food.

I didn't follow all the eating guidelines perfectly last week, but it isn't about perfection. They're guidelines, not rules.

It's more about trying to be more normal. Learning to listen to my body. More importantly, figuring out if it's hunger or something else. I was amazed at how often I identified it as something else. I think that's a big reason why I stopped eating late at night, with the exception of last night. I would consciously think, am I really hungry? Or is something else bothering me? Most of the time, it was something else.

Last night I was a little hungry when I got home since it was so late, and I'd eaten at 4pm. I was also extremely tired. Even though I was very aware that I should stop eating, and that I was actually really angry and hurt by the argument with my husband, I still chose food. I just wanted my old friend, food, to comfort me. It didn't work. I woke up today feeling like the food was still in my stomach. Feeling sluggish and more tired than when I had gone to bed.

On the exercise front I've been doing excellent. The past seven days I've hit the gym every day for a great workout. The old StairMaster at my gym finally completely stopped working about three months. It was my favorite piece of equipment. I spent many hours on it climbing the stairs to nowhere.

A couple weeks ago I asked the young receptionist if there was a possibility they could get a replacement StairMaster from another gym. A friend told me the Ballys in Bellevue had three new StairMasters. Now we had none. Why couldn't we get one of theirs? She said she'd look into it and she did!

I walked in yesterday and there sat a beautiful, almost new StairMaster. It was like Christmas! I jumped on it even though I'd already done 45 minutes of cardio on the CrossRamp in another room, but I did 20 minutes on the StairMaster. She was quiet and smooth as I climbed her stairs and her heart rate monitor works! She could read my Polar heart rate monitor. Oh how I love thee!

So another week of trying to follow the eating guidelines. I'm still not tracking my food or counting Points or calories, although it's really hard not to add things up in my head. After years of restriction or binging, this isn't an easy process.

I still won't be weighing in every day. That's another really  hard habit to break, but it was also freeing. It felt good to get up and know I didn't have to beat myself up over my weight. I'll weigh in again next Saturday. I don't have a fear of another gain, although it could happen. I'll probably cut back a little. My bowls of soup have been about three times what I would normally eat. I probably took the "what my body needs" to more of what my mind wants instead.

Tomorrow I'm going to post my driver's license pictures from the last twenty years. I found them in a box from my decluttering my life binge I've been on lately. Kind of interesting how my weight has gone up and down during the years and how much I lied on my driver's licenses about it. The only time I told the truth was in 1995 when I weighed 126 pounds. I remember weighing that morning before I went to the DMV and thinking wow, I can actually tell them what I really weigh and not be embarrassed about it.  That was probably the last time I was actually happy with my weight. Fifteen years ago. Sad.

Day 754-758 Busy Days, Different Focus, and Living In This New "Normal"

Day 754-758


Busy Days, Different Focus, and Living In This New "Normal"

Life seems to be busier than I'd like it to be right now. My focus needs to be on writing, but it seems that I'm allowing myself to get consumed with a busy schedule. When I do find time to write, it's usually without much time to disconnect and wind down, leaving my mind on things that need to be shoved aside for reflection and clarity. With that said, I'm not complaining, I'm loving life completely, and when I do have a productive writing session, it feels amazing. I've had to do something lately that I've never been good at doing, and that's saying "no."

I've said "no" at least four times in the last week. And it's especially tough when the "no" is given to a really worthwhile cause or function. But right now, I must focus and keep a tight schedule. In a perfect world, I'd disappear for several weeks, then emerge with a manuscript complete...turn off everything, and just write about this journey. As wonderfully fluffy and romantic as it would be, life and responsibilities don't yield for my writing schedule. But really, when I think about it, that's the only way it should be--just as I've lost this weight in the middle of a regular life, full of stress and ups and downs, and work schedules, and sadness, and craziness, and every emotion--good and bad.

This has never been a retreat to a ranch somewhere with specialist and trainers, this is real life. And I take pride in that fact. So I guess I should naturally embrace the evolution of my wonderful new existence and projects, while navigating everything that life as I know it, requires of me. It's all wonderful, really. I never forget how blessed I am, to be where I am...this is incredible. It's a dream come true, this new man staring back at me in the mirror...so wonderfully different in so many ways, yet still the same in many others. I'm navigating this transformation the best way I know how---trying hard to understand that I can do it all, just not all at once.

I had to say no to an opportunity to repel off the side of a skyscraper in downtown Oklahoma City with Special Olympics. That would have made for an incredible experience, but the event was a two day commitment. I'm so deathly afraid of heights, I'm not sure I could have handled it really, without getting sick and panic stricken, but either way--it was a wonderful cause for Special Olympics Oklahoma and it would have been an amazing photo opportunity for me. My word, I must overcome my fear and do that sometime...or go hot air ballooning or skydiving, two things on my "when I lose this weight" list of things I want to do. Well, here we are, at a size without restrictions--but, oh yeah---I'm busy...but not busy forever. The day will come. All in good time, right?

I'm never done learning, I have much to learn, but my journey is very different now. Eating like a normal person and being a normal size, is becoming me--naturally. In other words, a bunch of the things I've written about, just come automatic to me now. So this blog is increasingly difficult to write...because I'm not constantly trying to right the ship anymore. That's the main reason I always suggest to people new to this blog, to go back and read from day 1. I get a bunch of feedback concerning the sporadic posting schedule of late, but you must understand--I posted everyday for twenty-two months straight---and it's all there, when and if you're ready to read. You don't get the full story or get to share in the life changing epiphanies I've experienced, unless you do.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not quitting this blog at all...couldn't, wouldn't...but, I guess...I'm struggling with the changing schedule--and these sporadic post, well--honestly, I hate it. I'd rather write every single night, just like in the beginning. Everything from THAT DAY is so fresh and easy to write about, but there's no time for that kind of commitment anymore. That schedule has served its purpose very well, I'm a transformed person as a result of this blog and all of the choices that have brought me here. Just bare with me, please.

I go back into the archives everyday, now two years back...and I find some really fun stuff sometimes, like today's excerpt. I say "fun," but it's also very revealing of an out of control food addict, while showing how it can be overcome. Irene, my ex-wife (and just so you know, we get along wonderfully now, we're at peace with one another--it's a good place), remembers the following very well. From the middle of October 2008:

I've written in these blogs how I've never been a stereotypical 500 pound eater. I've never consumed unimaginable amounts of food in one sitting. But I have been an “impulse” eater. I was reminded of that today when paying for gas at a convenience store with a deli case full of fried everything. I'm immediately drawn to that deli case like a bee to a picnic area trash can. The egg rolls are better than any I've ever tasted at an actual Chinese restaurant. The burritos are crispy on the outside and deliciously soft on the inside, and the corn dogs were on sale two for a dollar! There is absolutely no way the old Sean could have gone in there without at least buying two corndogs for a dollar! That's just being a smart shopper...and an impulse eater.

Because it wouldn't have mattered that I just had dinner or was about to have dinner. If I wanted that taste, I was going to have it. It got so bad at one point that I would “sneak” eat. For example, I'd be leaving work, I'd call Irene and she would describe a wonderful meal that was almost ready. My plate would be waiting as soon as I arrived, and still on the way home I would “sneak” eat a bean burrito...or a bag of chips...or a couple of egg rolls. Irene would ask me questions like, “so, what have you had to eat today?” And I would do my best to lie to her, but after you've been together nearly two decades, it gets really hard to get away with a lie. She knows all my tells. She's also a great detective.

An example of her expert work---Irene: “So, what have you had to eat today?” Me: “Uh, nothing I'm starving.” Irene: “Really, are you sure about that?” Me: “Of course I'm sure, don't you think I would remember what I put in my own mouth?” Irene: “I see the crumbs on your shirt Sean.” Me: “What crumbs?” Irene: “The convenience store deli burrito crumbs, come over here and kiss me.” Me: “But, why are you...” (we kiss) Irene: “So, you had an eggroll too?” Me: “What are you...” Irene: “I can smell it on your breath.” Me: “You got me, I give up, you figured me out.”

Or, she would find the bag in the car and within seconds of inspection, she could tell me how old it was. Irene: “So, when did you have Braums?” Me: “uh, like, I don't know, maybe a week or two ago.” Irene: “that's the story you wanna go with?” Me: “It's been a while, OK, just drop it!” Irene: “If it's been a while, why are the crumbs still soft and the tomato is still moist?” Me: “OK, OK, OK...I had that this afternoon.” Irene: “After we had lunch together?” Me: “yes.”

So as you can see, it's not necessarily gigantic portions in one sitting that has made me this big, it's impulse eating throughout the day and into the night. Let's call it “over nibbling”, Ok---Let's call it what it is: Food addiction. There, I admitted it! They always say that admitting the problem is the first step to recovery right? I'm a food addict pure and simple. I very rarely eat because I'm hungry, I eat because I want it! You can tell that over the years I've become well acquainted with me and my dysfunctional eating habits. I've dug deep to understand my bad habits, but even armed with this information, knowing how I am, and the negative effects of my behavior, I'd still do it. I'd probably have to undergo professional psychiatry to go deeper into understanding why I developed these eating patterns, but I've gone deep enough on my own to identify them, and I think getting any deeper would just reveal “excuses”.

I'm finished with excuses. I'm changing my deadly habits now. And it feels good! Every time I easily click that seatbelt, I'm reminded of my success so far. Remember me talking about the “results snowball effect”. It's very true. Positive results are a powerful motivator to continue doing the right things. And the more right things I do, the more results I get, the more motivated I get.

I spent the majority of my writing time over the weekend, staring blankly at the computer screen, at a loss for words. And that's too bad, because starting with Sunday evening--my schedule was mapped out for the next several days. I had a very nice dinner out with Courtney, my youngest, and her boyfriend Brad on Sunday, before heading to the campus of NOC for rehearsal of an event that was scheduled for Monday night.

The event was something I agreed to do a while back and I must say, I'm glad I did. It was an evening of Broadway with ReAct, Regional Actors Community Theater. The entire event served as a fundraiser for the music theater scholarship fund at NOC. I'm so impressed with the amazing talent we have around here...wow, it's really incredible. The event was an opportunity to work with Eddie Dixon, a music professor, and fellow weight loss champion. Eddie has lost 165 pounds and kept it off for several years now. In talking with Eddie, we share many of the same weight loss philosophies. We've both lost the weight naturally and he really understands my excitement over being a normal size. He's been there too, he knows.

Tuesday was a full day at the studio and a full night at the Marland Mansion for an annual event hosted by Team Radio. As the KPNC morning personality, I was at this event called "Ladies Night Out," greeting the ladies as they made their way into the mansion for a night of free wine, food, shopping, and registering for thousands of dollars in prizes. I've been required to attend this event every year for the last five years. I was over 500 pounds at the first two, and over the course of the last three events, dropped the weight. The "wow" reactions were numerous last year at this event, but this year---oh my, it was over the top. The compliments came fast and often all night long, everywhere I was, here came another...and it was so much fun!!! Listen, after being as big as I was for as long as I was...it feels amazing to no longer feel like I'm the least attractive person at an event like this...I'll stay perfectly grounded, but wow--my self-esteem and confidence was boosted all night. Thank you to everyone that contributed to this indulgence. I enjoyed the tuxedo and the attention, who wouldn't?--and coming from where I do, I refuse to feel bad about that enjoyment.

Wednesday was another full workday followed by a four hour broadcast from a casino. My day started before 4:30am and ended around 7:30, with a wonderful baked cod dinner. The cod is new to my lineup of choices...Talapia isn't...I believe I have a picture of a recent talapia dinner I prepared. I was so tired and hungry Wednesday night, I was half-way finished with my baked cod meal before I realized tat I hadn't snapped a picture. Oh well...that's cool. Normal people don't take a picture of everything, right? Trust me, it was an amazing dinner.

Thursday morning started with 1/2 a Joseph's Lavash bread wrapped around three egg-whites, fresh mushrooms, mozzarella, and a small talapia filet. I know!! Fish for breakfast??? Yes, yes, YES!! It was amazing, and only 210 calories for the entire thing! I loved it--and along with my lemon marinated apple slices and a banana, plus coffee--I was set for a good day. I left the studio early today, headed for Stillwater--to weigh-in and write this blog post, and...shhhh...Uh, surprise mom with a visit!!! She doesn't know I'm coming!! I'm not sure what to expect at weigh-in. Given my weight loss in the last few months, I seriously doubt I've dropped five pounds, hitting 230 today. But one thing is for sure...it will happen, if not today...next time. And I'd really love to have Irene and my daughters there for that one...and I don't even mind if they all bring their boyfriends...I just want them there. If it happens today, and I guess it could---I may have to rally the staff at the health department. They should at least be warned about the potential craziness that would come directly from the scale, should I see 230 today.

OK--I must wrap--Thank you so much for reading and following my progress and life. There are wonderful things on the horizon...not sure it's even imaginable at this point---but it will be, incredible. I hope you'll facebook friend request me and also, I'm trying to get back in the Tweeting habit. You can find me on facebook by searching it using my email seanboy105@hotmail.com On Twitter, I'm @SeanAAnderson --The middle "A" stands for Allen, my middle name.

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


A recent breakfast---a nice big low cal veggie omelet, this one with chicken--if I remember right.


A recent dinner...I love my meat and potatoes!! And tomatoes, love them too!


With Eddie Dixon...He's lost 165 pounds! And even better, he's kept it off for five years!


Talapia, baked crinkle cut fries, and French cut green beans...Oh my, delicious---all of it!!!


Big "before" picture...With Irene and Amber


Professional picture--courtesy of Cope Photography...at Ladies Night. The pink tie was in honor of breast cancer awareness month...Dave May from KLOR, and I both proudly put on the pink!

What it means to me: Eating Guideline #1 Eat when hungry

When I first read Geneen Roth's Women Food and God last July, I was very excited. It was all I could talk about. I was about three fourths of the way through the book when I read about the Eating Guidelines.

I couldn't wait to read the "Eating Guidelines". So I skipped ahead to page 111, eagerly reading what I just knew would change my life.

Guideline #1 - Eat when hungry.

What the hell? I was angry. Furious at this Geneen Roth woman. She must be a freaking idiot to write such nonsense. Eat when hungry? Seriously? Excuse me lady, but that's what got me up to 240 pounds. If I had kept eating when I was hungry, in a few years I would weigh five hundred pounds. I'd become a bed person and they'd have to cut down the walls to get me out of my house. Eating when hungry? Who would think of such foolishness?

I felt like I'd been scammed. Cheated. I was hungry 24 x 7. I thought of food continually. If I really ate when I was hungry, I'd never put down my fork. So much for Geneen Roth. I was done with her.

Then there was the workshop. You have no idea how much I didn't want to go last weekend. I was dreading it. Thankfully Grace decided to go too. If it hadn't been for her I may have just not showed up, and then I would have missed one of the best learning experiences of my life.

Eat when hungry.

What does that mean? Sounds pretty obvious, if you're hungry, you eat. Not exactly rocket science. But wait. There's more. When are you hungry? Do you even know? I didn't. I thought I was always hungry. I thought I had some type of mental or physical disease. Most people don't obsess about food like me. It's like there was something wired wrong in my brain, something that made me think I always needed to eat.

After the workshop I started to really analyze my feelings of hunger. Was I really hungry? Or was it something else?

Maybe I was hurt because my husband said something insensitive, or he left for work without a goodbye kiss, just a "bye, see you later!" as he ran out the door.

Maybe it was worry about my job and that stupid NY Times article about if you're unemployed now at age 55 you'll probably never work again.

Maybe it's rejection, lack of love, fear of being homeless...maybe it's none of those things, maybe I'm just thirsty or bored.

I remember once I told a coworker that I was starving to death. I was being super strict with my diet (Weight Watchers), and I was really hungry. His comment was "well, eat something!". My response, "I can't do that! I might gain weight!".

Stupid, stupid girl. I really was hungry. Why didn't I just eat? Because I was afraid of gaining weight. It's been my lifelong theme.

I'm coming to terms with the idea of eating when I'm actually hungry. What's harder is coming to terms when it's something else and that something isn't thirsty or bored. What about rejection? Or the feeling of not being loved and cherished? Loneliness. Sadness. Past hurts. Current hurts. Fear. Feeling those emotions isn't fun. It would be easier to push them down with food. It's easier to just not think about the bad stuff.

The thing I'm most amazed about is that this isn't the hardest guideline for me, although it's somewhat difficult facing all those emotions I use to smash down with food. I was sure it was going to be impossible. I was sure I'd want to go on a full out binge. Surprisingly I really have no desire to eat like a crazed, food obsessed mad woman.

For the first time in 42 years, I think I know what it's like to eat like a normal person. Normal has always been my goal. I just want to feel normal about food, and I want to be a normal weight.

I'm still early into this process, and I have a lot to learn about myself. It's only been five days and I'm sure there will be bumps in the road. I only know that in a short time I've made huge advances in how I feel about food, about myself. I feel more comfortable with my decisions of what I'm eating, more relaxed. Calm.

Eat when hungry. Apparently it is possible for me.

Healing thyself

During the past four days I've come the realization just how sick I was when it came to food. I have abused it my entire life.

Tonight as I was eating dinner, distraction free, I realized this is the first time I wasn't either on a diet of some kind or in the midst of a full-blown binge. I'm a black and white kind of gal, either I'm on a diet or I'm not. If I'm not, then it's a literal food fest, eating anything and everything in sight.

For four days I've eaten like a "normal" person. I haven't binged, eaten in the middle of the night, or eaten mindlessly. I haven't stuffed myself until my tummy hurt. I haven't eaten in front of the TV or while reading reading a book or while on the laptop. I haven't had crazy cravings or felt like I was going to die if I didn't eat something or in some cases, everything.

I also haven't abused my new found freedom. I'm eating a few things I haven't eaten in a really long time. Today instead of Stevia I added honey to my Greek yogurt.

Dinner tonight was a very small piece of top sirloin steak, broiled to perfection. The piece was pretty small, but I cut it into small bites and savored each one. I had red bell pepper slices drizzled with real blue cheese dressing. Not a lot, but enough so that each piece had a small amount. I had Brussels sprouts again, but without Smart Balance, just a little sea salt. My beverage was a glass of milk of 1% milk. It was a very tasty and enjoyable dinner. I felt totally satisfied.

This morning I made my favorite soup. It's a South Beach recipe, Chicken and Veggie Chowder (the recipe is at the end of this post). In the past when I'd make this soup, I'd cook the chicken separately and then careful weigh four ounces of chicken for each serving. Today I just added all the cut-up chicken breasts in with everything else, just like the recipe says you're suppose to do. It'll all work out in the end. This is part of my healing process, to stop being so compulsive about my food, always worrying about it. Always trying to be exactly perfect in my eating. It's exhausting.

I'm trying to look at food differently. Instead of it being my main source of pleasure as well as my main source of pain, I'm trying to look at it for what it really is...a source of nutrition for my body. If it tastes good, that's a bonus, and then it also becomes a source of pleasure.

I'm also trying to listen to my body more, not my mind. Of course my mind would like candy and cake and ice cream. My body, not so much. I didn't post this last week because it was embarrassing, but Monday of last week, in the midst of my cold, I had a pint of ice cream, Ben and Jerry's Heath Bar. I ate the whole thing. The I ate an entire package of vanilla Oreos. An entire package. I was so sick I thought I was going to die. I had night sweats from the sugar. Horrible night sweats where I was drenched. I think if my body could have killed me at that moment, it would have. The funny thing, none of it tasted that good. Probably because I had a cold, but it really wasn't worth it.

Another discovery these past few days is that I really hate coffee. I've always hated it. It's okay if you add sugar and milk, but plain coffee, yuk. Yet I've been drinking it, along with a few caffeine pills here and there and then sleeping pills at night. It's a miracle my body didn't just shut down a long time ago because of the abuse I've dumped on it. I've almost entirely cut out the coffee, and have stopped the caffeine pills and sleeping pills entirely

I've been thinking about all the diet plans I've been on in my life. The list is endless. Every single one of them was restrictive, and I would follow them perfectly, 100%. For a certain amount of time. Then, I'd reach my breaking point and all bets were off. I'd become a crazed, food obsessed nut case.

The hardest part for me is the math. Stopping myself from doing the math in my head. I know the calories, fat grams, carbs in almost every food. I know the Weight Watcher Points as well. When I'm preparing a meal I find myself adding up the items. I have to consciously tell myself to "STOP IT!". It's not important right now.

Also, for the record, I'm not following any diet. I was thinking back to when I felt my healthiest and was when I was eating the foods recommended by the South Beach Diet. Since I'm not on a "diet", I'm not following the SB Diet per se, but I did enjoy the foods on that "diet" the most. The difference though is if I want a little honey in my oatmeal or my yogurt, I'm going to have it.

I'm really curious how this week is going to end. Will I gain weight? Will I lose weight? Will I be furious if I gain a couple pounds? I'm trying to keep an open mind about this. It's an experiment, to see if I can be normal when it comes to food. To see if I can really heal thyself.

It's just the beginning

After my long, soul-searching post yesterday, I feel about a million times better about my life. I know it's only been a couple of days, but I feel so different that it's hard to put it into words.

For the first time in my life, I'm not consumed by thoughts of food. When will I eat? What will I eat? How much will I eat? Will I eat too much? Will I eat the wrong thing? Will I gain weight if I eat that? Will I have a binge today? Will I lose control?

It's like I've been under an evil spell for over forty years. A spell that was cast on me to always make me worry about what I eat. To always be fearful of food. To always have food be in control of me and not me in control of it.

It's like I found the source of my pain, which was actually compounded by how I've handled the pain, discomfort, sadness, and loneliness in my life. I avoided it. I ate to stop the feelings. I refused to face the pain because it just hurt too much. Instead, it was better to eat away the pain. The only problem with that little theory is that it doesn't work.
Today I canceled my Weight Watcher membership. I've only been going to about one meeting a month and honestly, I've lost interest in it. It's served it's purpose for me. I know what to eat, and how much to eat. I understand portion size and the Weight Watcher healthy eating guidelines. Now it's time for me to move on, to try something different. Not another diet. Not another weight loss plan. Instead, I want to stop my war with food.

Still, it's scary to leave Weight Watchers after almost three  years. I can always rejoin, however, I don't think I'll ever want to.

I weighed this morning on my scales here at home. 174.0 pounds. Afterwards I placed the scales on the top shelf in the back of my closet. I need a step stool to get to them.

I have weighed myself every day for the last 42 years. I've made myself crazy with those weighins. It's time to stop it. At least for now. I need to give the daily weighins a break. I'll weigh again next Saturday.

Today I followed Geneen's seven eating guidelines. It was not easy, but it made a huge difference. I bought her CD where she explains the eating guidelines in depth. She said it's all or nothing. You can't say you don't like doing one thing and then decide to just not do it. It doesn't work that way.

I know that's true because that's what I tried last summer when I read the book. I didn't like #3, Eat without distractions. Distractions include radio, television, newspapers, books, intense or anxiety-producing conversations or music. This one is the hardest for me. I'm getting use to it now, but it was very odd the first couple of times. It really makes me focus on what I'm eating, because well, there's just nothing else to focus on. Surprisingly, it makes me feel a lot more satisfied with my meal.

Today I ate what my body wanted. I didn't weigh or measure most of my food, except the oatmeal. I didn't write down what I ate or figure out the calories or the Points. I didn't worry about it. You can't even begin to imagine how this made me feel. It was very difficult, but it also felt like freedom.

In case you're wondering, here's what I had to eat today and all of this food is really what I felt like my body wanted. I won't be posting my food every day, because that bores me pieces to write about what I eat. I just wanted to show you what I ate when trying to not be totally restrictive with my food.

1 cup of coffee with Stevia and 1% milk (maybe 1/4 cup -?)
1/2 cup oatmeal, microwaved with a cup of water
some dried cranberries, maybe 20 (?)
a few walnuts, maybe 6 halves (?)
a splash of 1% milk
1 tablespoon of Splenda/brown sugar mix. I would have used honey but we didn't have any.
1 small banana

I savored every bite and it was delicious.

I somehow missed lunch and found myself at the gym at 4pm starving to death. That was a total accident because I was running errands and forgot to eat. I had some Kashi bars in my car, some new pumpkin pecan bars. I ate two. I checked the label because I still do that, and they were 120 calories each. This was the only time I didn't follow the not eating in the car guideline, but I was parked at the gym and not listening to the radio.

I worked out doing cardio for an hour at the gym.

When I walked in the door at home, I was once again starving. I'd burned over 500 calories during my workout.

I decided to have another snack before I made dinner.

1 small banana
about 1/2 a glass of 1% milk maybe 3/4 cup

I sat at the table, slowly eating the banana, drinking the milk. I really wanted to shove it in my mouth and drink the milk in one big gulp, but I took the time to taste the banana and enjoy my snack.

Dinner was simple and it really was what I wanted, which is oddly what I eat quite often.

A large chicken breast, much larger than my normal 4 ounces, but I didn't weigh it. It was broiled with the Costco Sweet Mesquite Seasoning (love that stuff), and served with a little barbecue sauce
Brussels Sprouts, more than my normal serving, maybe 1 1/2 cups
Cherry tomatoes
A big glass of water

About an hour after dinner I had a KozyShack tapioca cup. It was not sugar-free. Topped with a squirt (a large one) of non-fat Redi-whip, which I won't be eating again. The pudding was wonderful, the Redi-whip was gross.

I'm cutting back on the sugar-free junk I've been eating. I'll still use Stevia because I don't mind the taste of it. I won't be eating a lot of sugar because it doesn't make me feel good. When I eat a lot of it, I get night sweats really bad. A small amount is okay, a lot is bad for me.

It's almost 9:30pm, and I'm going to eat a smallish Honeycrisp apple before I go to bed.

This is a lot more food than I normally eat, but I don't think I'll be getting up and gorging myself on a 500 to a 1,000 midnight snack tonight

I'm really curious if a week of eating like this will make a difference. Am I being stupid thinking I don't need to count every calorie I put in my mouth? Is this a mistake? Yes, it's that voice talking to me again, telling me I'm going to screw this up and gain a hundred pounds.

It needs to shut up.