Day 385 Buffet Desire Gone and Breaking Down The Fashion Comfort Zone

Day 385

Buffet Desire Gone and Breaking Down The Fashion Comfort Zone

I talked about letting go of the over-shirt hang-up in yesterday's edition. Let me say this: It's not like I magically flipped an imaginary switch and “walla,” all my clothing insecurities are gone. Oh no, I realized that tonight at play rehearsal, but more on that in a moment.

We've thoroughly enjoyed having Amber and her boyfriend at home this weekend. I had planned to cook for everyone today, homemade low calorie pizzas on whole wheat tortillas, but the kids called while they were out and invited us to JW Cobbs---their treat. I'm not one to turn down a free meal, so off we were to the restaurant! I've blogged about our occasional Sunday trips to this restaurant before, at least three or four times in the last 385 days. This place has a Sunday buffet. It's amazing how I seriously have zero desire for that thing, or any buffet for that matter. I thought about that today while we were there. I remember my mindset at over 500 pounds. I was always looking forward to a buffet back then. I'd get downright excited at the thought of all that hot food just waiting for me to pile a plate high, then return for seconds and thirds if I wanted. That crazy desire is completely gone. I love that. I just want a normal plate of food, with normal portions. Something I can feel good about, ya know? Again, the focus was about visiting with the kiddos, not on the food, and that's a serious change for this former 500 plus pound man.

We helped Courtney with some homework this afternoon before Amber and KL departed, then Irene and I prepared to go to play rehearsal. Yes, Irene attended rehearsal tonight! She's read the script several times, so it was something she really looked forward to seeing. And although tonight wasn't an actual dress rehearsal, it was pretty close. I was a little nervous knowing she was there watching and it showed a little in my performance, but this is something I need to get over now, because a bunch of people are coming to see this play, I've got to be ready for that!

Really, the fact that Irene was in the audience wasn't what made me the most nervous. It was the clothing I have to wear. I'm trying so hard to accept how I look outside of my fashion comfort zone. I kept tugging at my shirt, it was something the director noticed and he told me “you look great on stage, stop tugging at your shirt.” I'll certainly try my best to stop cold turkey, but I've been tugging at my shirt since I was old enough to realize I was fat. This is some deep seeded stuff. Going without an over-shirt Friday and Saturday was a big step in the right direction, but then to go straight into tucking under stage lights? Wow, OK---give me a minute!

The fact is, I'm not finished with my journey, I know that. When I reach the point where I've added muscle and have lost another 59 pounds, then OK, I'll be much more confident. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it, I'm making amazing strides in that direction. It's going to be fine. I need to remember something very important. On that stage I'm not Sean. I'm Hank. And Hank doesn't have these hang-ups when it comes to self image. Thank you Irene for reminding me of that on the way home!

It was slightly awkward kissing another woman in front of my wife. Check that, it was super awkward. And if it wasn't enough during the play, we had a choreographer come in afterward to work with us on the dance/kissing scene. Yep, Irene had to sit and watch us do it over and over again. My wife is a wonderfully amazing woman, I have to say. She genuinely enjoyed the play tonight despite that fact that her husband of twenty years was on stage in front of her kissing another woman. She understood it was Hank, not Sean. It was a pleasure to introduce Irene to everyone at the theatre. It was very cool indeed. Stephanie Williams even asked Irene when she was going to get on stage! Irene would be wonderful too!

Tomorrow night we do the official dress rehearsal and the reviewer for the newspaper will be there! Oh my...Bring it on! No pressure! I got this, heck, I may even tuck my shirt in when it's not required! OK, probably not. I can't wait to post official stills from the play. I'm not sure when those will be taken, but it should be soon. Hopefully I can get copies to post.

I made a homemade tortilla pizza when we got home from rehearsal. I'm still a couple of hundred calories short of my 1500, but it's so late, and I'm not hungry. And you know how the calorie bank and trust works...you use 'em or lose 'em! They don't transfer to the next morning!

Thank you for reading this blog. It has been such a wonderful journey so far, and it will continue to be grand! Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean