Day 321 The New Face of Me

Day 321

The New Face of Me

I've recently written about how I'm really starting to like what I see in the mirror. I see the physical me emerging that I always thought was in there. I always thought highly of this hidden appearance buried deep beneath mounds of flesh, I knew it was in there somewhere. It reminds me of when I use to get made fun of horribly in school and often times my only comeback would be “Oh yeah, well you're ugly and I can lose weight, but there's nothing you can do about that face.” Hey, sounds mean, but I was on the defensive. You must understand, I've never liked what I saw in the mirror, never. I felt that I looked completely hideous all the time. So looking in the mirror now and actually liking the shape of my face and the contour of my head, and the way my ears connect to my face, and my eyes...and the dimples...wow, I'm digging it. BUT---I also understand that this sudden change in how I feel about the way I look is something that must be handled with responsible awareness. I'm not and will not ever become a conceited jerk, but after a lifetime of hating my appearance, I'm kind of enjoying this new self that I see. I don't understand why I feel like it's bad of me to feel like this. Do I think I don't deserve to feel good about myself? Maybe I need some serious self-image therapy. Left unchecked, will my newfound confidence and self-flattering hurt me in some way? You hear stories of people losing considerable amounts of weight and then their lives are completely turned upside down. Why does this happen? Is it because they let this new look go to their head? Or maybe the confidence they never had before pulls them in a direction they were never able to go. That could be good or bad. I'm not complaining. I'll take this mind stretching topic any day over being 500 plus pounds. It ultimately comes down to our true and honest character. I don't think that changes too much. I'm still the same person on the inside I was at 505, the new extra strength dose of confidence aside, my values, attitudes, and philosophies about life, love, and happiness remain the same. I'm going to be alright, yep, I'm pretty sure I'll be just fine. But if you see me staring at myself in the mirror or window reflection, don't think I'm being conceited, I'm just getting to know the new face of me.

I had to work a remote broadcast tonight at a large night club. It was a tequila festival! I'm not much on drinking, and not much on night club socializing, but I do enjoy people watching. And you sure can see a bunch of interesting people in a place like this. I've never been able to just cut loose and allow myself to have a good time. I'm reserved and to myself. Irene and her friends invited me to go with them to a dance club years ago, and I did, but I couldn't really let my hair down long enough to enjoy the atmosphere. This really didn't sit too well with Irene. If I wasn't having fun, then she found it hard to have fun, so neither of us had much fun. This might sound crazy coming from a self-confessed food addict, but I like to feel in control of myself at all times---except when it comes to food---well, at least that's the way it use to be. But alcohol, drugs, that kind of thing---no thank you, if it's going to make me feel weird and out of control, I'll pass. Coming to terms with my food addiction has really opened my eyes to just how out of control I was in the past. But back to the 'clubbin,'---So there I would sit, watching everyone else have fun and laugh and sing along, and act crazy...and I never could, wouldn't feel comfortable. Maybe I was too self-conscious. But maybe that's just me. Because I started doing that same thing tonight. Watching, analyzing, seeing people act a fool while I sit completely calm, cool, and collected. I wonder if I'll ever really be a party kind of guy? Probably a little, but in a very reserved controlled fashion. I know my wife would probably love it if I would come out of this shell just enough to have a little fun. We'll see how I evolve, we'll see how we evolve.

I'm looking forward to my workout tomorrow. I say that because I didn't really have one today. I should really grab the jump rope and head out to the patio for some serious cardio, but honestly---I probably will not tonight. It's late and I plan on visiting with my wife more and planning the rest of our weekend and beyond. I think we'll actually do a real 10K tomorrow! I still can't believe we weren't before...I can't stand that, but like many have told me, the results are wonderful regardless. And wonderful results are what we're all about around here. Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean