Day 431 Sometimes It's Best To Wait and Playing The Victim

Day 431

Sometimes It’s Best To Wait and Playing The Victim

Actually, I'm not sure if I've waited long enough.

I had originally planned to write this Thursday edition between 4:30 and 5:30am this morning (Friday morning). But that would not have been a wise move, as it would have been completely against what I said in the last blog about ending the “divorce talk” in the blog. Sometimes it’s best to wait. I was in no emotional shape to write a fair and respectable post, and I’m not sure I can do it now, but I’ll try.

I discovered this morning that someone other than me shared an extremely inaccurate version of our personal events via e-mail with a long-time reader of this blog. After letting this completely consume me all day, I’m finally ready to write Thursday’s blog posting. I must ignore the urge to just come right out and describe in detail every infraction from BOTH sides of the table, but that would just be more needless drama. I’m seriously tired of the drama within these writings. I’m tired of the drama period.

Someone suggested yesterday that I had an inflated self-confidence and basically that I must think that I’m just a real looker, full of myself really. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m extremely insecure still. Nobody, not even family members, can accurately assume how I feel now. But I can tell you honestly that I am anything but overloaded with confidence. Do I get many compliments these days? Yes. Do I really believe them all? NO. I am more confident, yes, that’s a given…but overly-confident? No, far from it. Full of myself? That’s laughable. When you lose this much weight, the damage left behind in the skin department and psychological department can make you feel as bad or as different as you did at your heaviest. I still feel like a freak---and it’ll be a while and a few future skin removal surgeries and even therapy before that fully changes. The deal is still a good one. I get great health, dimples, and visible cheek-bones…and I can look decent in clothes…but I’m not putting on a bathing suit or taking my shirt off any time soon. Over-confident??—Wow. And to suggest that it has something to do with our current drama---just infuriates me. I have to watch it---Oh how I want to type something else so bad, so inappropriate, so unclassy---although it would be completely accurate, 100%---but I must take the high road. Shoot, I’m slipping off that road just writing what I have so far. What part of “ignore” do I not understand?---I’m being so well mannered. Geez.

The following “victim” paragraph applies to weight loss: I am not a victim, I refuse to be one, but some people love playing the part of the victim. Whatever or however the story needs to be told to make us feel better about what we’ve done, that’s what we must believe. If we binge out of our minds, then surely there’s a good reason why. Poor us. The circumstances, either real or imagined, it doesn’t matter---gives us justification for our actions. Actions that we, if we’re honest with ourselves, know are not right and not justifiable. “Self-honesty” isn’t real good friends with “playing the victim.” However---rationalizations are full-blooded relation to the “victim” mindset. Self-honesty, it’s sibling—personal responsibility, and reality---all can work together to provide a real clear path along this road. But without a grasp or even an honest attempt to grab a hold of these things and accept what they are and what they mean---regardless of the pain caused by the realization of the truth---this road becomes impossible.

Ralph Marston from www.greatday.com got it right with an entry I’ve re-posted several times and re-read many more. His permission requirement for me to re-post “Set Yourself Free” is to share with you his website and of course to properly credit him. He’s a brilliant writer. What does this do for you?: “Set Yourself Free” by Ralph Marston---"There is no outside force holding you back. You are holding you back and you are blaming it on someone or something else. The way you are able to continue holding yourself back is by maintaining the illusion that you're a victim. Once you realize that illusion, you will naturally and easily move forward. In fact, it is easier to fulfill your best possibilities than it is to avoid them. So let go of the blame and watch the limitations drop away. Certainly there will always be challenges that hold you back. For each challenge provides you with a pathway through which you can move toward fulfillment. It is your very nature to accomplish. Lovingly accept your destiny, and allow that accomplishment to be manifest through you. Set yourself free to follow your purpose. Set yourself free to truly live."

This morning was my first morning show on KPNC. I felt like it was my first day on the radio. I was a little nervous, and I don’t get nervous on the air, that stopped years and years ago. But this was new and different. I wasn’t in my comfort zone, this wasn’t “my studio.” I did make it through with minimal damage---and I was stronger from the experience. Proof of that was Friday mornings show, one of the best I’ve had in a long time. I enjoyed lemon marinated apples and a banana during the trainwreck, I mean radio show.

I enjoyed a light lunch, just a couple of hundred calories worth of chili, because I was saving as many calories as I could for the football game. College football on a Thursday night just doesn’t seem right. The Cowboys won over Colorado, and that was good, but something just didn’t feel right. The crowd was much smaller than usual, surely because of the Thursday night television date. I really wasn’t prepared food wise for the game. I ended up having what had to have been a 400 calorie hotdog with mustard. The dog alone was 300 if it was 10, but I was starving and desperate for food! I also enjoyed a few tortilla chips with cheese sauce. Hot dogs and nachos---not the best “calorie friendly” options, but I limited my portion and enjoyed them both with confidence. I ran stairs for fifteen minutes during half-time which prompted a sheriffs deputy to ask me if I were ok. “Just trying to get a good workout,” I said and he replied “whatever it takes right?” Yeah…whatever it takes is exactly right.

I arrived home extremely late and immediately dropped in bed with a plan of blogging this day first thing Friday morning. And that takes us back to the beginning of this blog post. Thank you for reading. Goodnight and…

Good Choices,
Sean